[wildflowerchild25]

How do you all deal with relationships with your bipolar? I know this has been discussed a lot here but I'm wondering.

So as you all know I lost my husband two years ago. I haven't really been interested in dating, mainly out of fear. Well on Monday I started talking to this guy I've known for a few years who recently (within a couple of years) separated from his wife. We started flirting and I hung out with him on Tuesday, then we continued flirting and then yesterday I went to his house and we hooked up. Now I'm having intense anxiety about the whole situation.

He made it clear that he's not looking for a relationship, just to have some fun. That's pretty perfect for me because I am now realizing I'm not ready for the emotional connection of a relationship. I feel like my bipolar ruined my husband's life and ultimately killed him. I don't want to unleash it on another person. Plus I am terrified of sharing my life with someone only to have them ripped away from me again, either through death or just breaking up.

Basically I'm terrified of developing feelings for this guy. I want to keep seeing him but I'm just so afraid of where it could go, except that I know he doesn't want a relationship either (he's also quite a bit older than me).

I'm just not sure I could ever trust anyone again. This guy knows of my past struggles but he doesn't specifically know that I have bipolar. I mean it's hard to hide my past when I'm covered in hundreds of self harm scars. But I would just be afraid of ruining someone else's life if I start to cycle again. I don't think anyone could love me enough to put up with it. My husband did but he turned to drugs to cope.

I wish my therapist wasn't on vacation next week. She did say we could reschedule for a different day so I might text her to see if I can get in.

On top of it all I am struggling with quitting smoking and therefore dealing with intense insomnia. I was EXHAUSTED yesterday but could not fall sleep. I finally broke down and took a klonopin around midnight and was able to sleep until 7.

I've also been drinking frequently since I'm not working right now and I'm sure that's not helping.

Does anyone else feel afraid of relationships because of bipolar?

[liveforsummer]

Sorry you're having a tough time navigating all this. Seems like you have a lot going on at one time. Congrats on quitting smoking!

Sure is easy to reach for a drink tho, trying to curb my own urges in that dept. May be better for you to keep your head free of alcohol while exploring this new relationship. As long as you both know exactly what you want out of it (and youre being honest with yourself) enjoy this new connection. We all need human contact!! Hopefuly you can see your therapist to talk it out. Good Luck

I personally try to be a better person than I am, but admittedly my bipolar is what it is and I know I can't really hide it for very long. Something is bound to happen and I'll be triggered. Last night my wife and I were having a conversation about finances, a trigger for me, and I couldn't be bothered to pay much attention. I literally heard every fifth word she said. Kind of ended the financial discussion right away.

I have other issues, too. Social anxiety especially. I get really uncomfortable in larger groups of people, so that has an effect on relationships in that I tend to keep my wife and I at home more often than not. If there are family events, I opt to stay behind. If I'm left with no choice but to go, I'm usually off in a corner to myself. I'll take a nap if I can to avoid talking to people.

Depending on what kind of state I'm in, I could react one way with people (appear socially astute) and be a chatty Kathy or I could be closed off and difficult to interact with. This has had significant effects on my wife and I's relationship. I feel like she has to cover for me at times. After years of dealing with this, she is starting to say enough and force me to mask how I'm really feeling.

There are days I don't want to get out of bed. It isn't debilitating all of the time - I know when I'm just being lazy - but there are other days when I just can't bothered to be present. My wife cannot truly appreciate it and just tells me suck it up, buttercup. Easier said than done.

[Sunflower123]

I agree with liveforsummer. As long as you're both on the same page, enjoy it. I do think it's possible to have bipolar disorder and be in a successful relationship. Best wishes.

[hopeless2015]

I want to add please don't blame yourself for your husband's addiction and I think you should talk to a therapist about this issue! Hugs....also agree that if your on the same page with your new friend, enjoy yourself, you deserve it

[liveforsummer]

I've been married for 25 years and he's dealt with a whole range of my emotional crap. Was very hard for us at times early days as I/we really didn't know what was going on and he did get annoyed/frustrated at times The past 3 years have been the most difficult by far in relation to my moods. Since my Dx this year he's been fabulous as now he gets it (as much as someone can without it) but hes supportive and understanding. He's total opposite of me, very straightforward. I'm lucky to have him. Relationships are possible.
Hugs to everyone struggling in a relationship, looking for one or ending one

[Victoria'smom]

If anything happend between my husband and I I don't think I would go into another relationship. He has bp so he knows about it. I couldn't put another one through that. So yes I am afraid of a relationship and BP.

[wildflowerchild25]

Originally Posted by hopeless2015

I want to add please don't blame yourself for your husband's addiction and I think you should talk to a therapist about this issue! Hugs....also agree that if your on the same page with your new friend, enjoy yourself, you deserve it

Yes, I do need to work on that in therapy. I'm struggling with a lot of guilt. It was kind of a delayed reaction; when he first died I knew there was nothing I could have done but as time has gone on I just feel more and more responsible. Even though my rational mind know that's not true.

I appreciate all the reassurances from the group. I'm hoping my anxiety will calm down. I'm sure it's also due to nicotine withdrawal.

[Unrigged64072835]

Nicotine withdrawal is a pain, but it won't last too long.

Before I was dating my now-husband, I dated someone who was coming out of a nasty divorce and didn't want a committed relationship. That was hard because I fell in love with him and ended up pissed off with his behavior. He was a trigger for me, and I struggled a lot with the feelings. Thankfully I'm not seeing him anymore and I found a stable relationship even though we both have issues.

I don't think a casual relationship is a bad deal. It just didn't work out for me.

[~Christina]

Enjoy ! You might need to remind yourself that this is just a thing, not long term, Least I would have too.

The guilt ? Work in Therapy, You do know it was on him, not you. But regardless its horrible horrible stuff.

I think this might be a very good thing for at this stage of grief.

[Disorder7]

I know I'm too much for my husband. He's an alcoholic and sort of blames me. I mean he uses alcohol to escape. He's in therapy to deal with caregiver burn-out.
It's funny because I sort of just want him to leave so I don't have to mask who I am. But he wants to stay, for now anyway.

I do think it's possible to find the right person and have a happy relationship. I think it may be more challenging for us, but not impossible.
I like to think there may be someone out there who can handle my intensity.

[Icare dixit]

Yes, I'm afraid. But it's not just the BP; it's also the BPD. And I fear mania so much that I'm afraid to do many things.

I'm sure you have done everything you could do to prevent your husband's death. You just weren't able to prevent it and that's confrontational, but not your fault. Having BP or not is irrelevant. No one has the kind of power over others that makes you responsible. Ultimately, people are responsible for their own actions.

[wildflowerchild25]

I know that's true, icare. I don't think my feelings are rational, but they are there.

I have a lot going on in my head, a lot of fear of something serious developing, but he's definitely not looking for that so I guess I shouldn't worry too much. I just feel like I'm so much better on my own and that I don't know if it will ever be a good idea to get involved with someone again. But in the meantime I can have some fun, flirt, etcetera and just enjoy the attention.

Never thought of myself as a casual relationship girl but it fits for me right now.

[xRavenx]

I'm so sorry about all you've been through. I can relate to feeling that way shortly after a big loss in my life. It left me feeling very vulnerable, although I wanted the release of being with someone with no strings attached. My feelings became more complicated as I started to attach to him. He really wasn't right for me in a rational sense though, and he was going through a loss too. However, I have no regrets and like having casual relationships in general. Maybe since it took a while to adjust to getting out of a serious relationship.

There's definitely positive aspects to a casual relationship, and I hope you have fun! Fear is normal though too. Actually, it is something I'm still fighting with. Bipolar has held me back as far as making some bad decisions, but that's just me....not everyone goes through that. It's person-to-person. Take it easy, one step at a time, and just go with the flow. Do what feels right to you.

[bioChE]

Normal relationships are possible with bipolar. I'm married to my wife for 14 years. We have four kids, and live in a 4-br on three acres in a rural/suburbia area. It's a good relationship.

She's put up with my ups and downs, and I put up with her $h1t as well. Our kids are normal and well-adjusted, and we're living the Beaver Cleaver lifestyle.

It's not for everyone, but it works for us.