[Lifeischallenging]

Some of the anger I have been feeling has abated into nothing. I'm getting my credit up and I am looking at it that way, Besides I am going to have a good 43 hrs. I had to work a double on Wednesday and I was called in early on Friday. So I am hoping this the start of me getting my funds back up. I am apprehensive on going to the UK for study, mainly because of my savings. I don't think they would allow me to enter because of how low my savings is. I'm still looking to go over there. I've been reading they say it is cheap to live if you know where to look.

"The only way forward is to forget."

- Lefty's high school English teacher Hamilton "Ham" Nelson.

I didn't get this when I was 17, but I sure get it at 47.

[Wander]

Depression is still crushing me but today has been a bit better. I think getting out of hospital for hours the last two days and going to the gym has helped. Today I just went to my parents and hung out with them. They are such a great support. My lifeline right now. Soon, hopefully, I will be allowed unescorted leave and will be able to go on walks and possibly even drive myself to university (not sure if I can drive after TMS). Today I also had my first day of productive study - I actually think I leant something and am closer to being ready for my test on Tuesday. I can only do my best.

I have been sleeping 12 hours a night plus an hour nap during the day. i think I am going to ask if I can hold back on some night meds; I take 25 mg of Chlorpromazine, 20 mg of Temazepam and 10 mg of Saphris. I would like to back off the Chlorpromazine first if possible. I just hate waking up feeling like I've been hit by a truck and then feel drugged for an hour or two.

TMS starts tomorrow. They say positive effects usually don't start until the second week so I will have to be patient and try to be hopeful that it works on me. The depression is hell but at least I am stable there and not swinging up and down anymore. I think that might be the Lamotrigine kicking in. I am at 100 mg now. I am on so many meds. I hate it. My pdoc is hoping to stabilise me on Lamotrigine, Lithium and Saphris with Clonazapam PRN. Then slowly take away the Saphris and see how I go. Well, thats our medium-term plan.

I must be doing better today because I usually find it so hard to post but here I am jibber-jabbering away. HUGS to all who need them. Although I don't respond to many posts I wish you all well and care about you.

[bizi]

Hugs to you wander
(((((HUGS)))))

I think I got another good nights sleep. Ate too much last night at dinner:
Delicious fish, can't even remember what the sides were, but it was very very good!
we are going to see the movie Dunkurt....or something like that.
A WW2 movie.
I am still watching the movie with my girl friend "Anne of green gables"
The next time I see her will probably be able to finish the movie.
It was 3 1/2 hours long!

Jeff has been walking every morning all summer am so proud of him. He said it was cooler this morning. It has been so hot and humid lately.

I would like to go to a blue grass festival the end of september.
Jerry douglas, bela fleck, and many others on Friday the 29th.

It is being held in North carolina...a long trip to make for just a few days. I will ask my girlfriend doris if she wants to go. (we talked about doing a road trip in October) I will have to rearrange my schedule of clients. She wants to see her mother in mississippi too.
We will see if it happens.

Have a good sunday yall!
bizi

[wildflowerchild25]

After yesterday's depression, I am feeling slightly UP today. Listening to my music loud again, wanting to dance, getting chores done. I can't wait to take my son school supply shopping so I can spend some money legitimately. Yesterday I could barely get off the couch. I'm only on 500mg of depakote so I'm sure that's not enough to be therapeutic. But I feel so good I don't want to increase. I'm sleeping thanks to the depakote trazadone combination so it's not so bad.

I might go and get another piercing and set up my tattoo appt this week. I know in my mind I shouldn't spend the money on a tattoo but I really want to cover the scars on my right arm. Yesterday I had high urges to self harm and if it's covered by a tattoo I won't do it.

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by Wander

Depression is still crushing me but today has been a bit better. I think getting out of hospital for hours the last two days and going to the gym has helped. Today I just went to my parents and hung out with them. They are such a great support. My lifeline right now. Soon, hopefully, I will be allowed unescorted leave and will be able to go on walks and possibly even drive myself to university (not sure if I can drive after TMS). Today I also had my first day of productive study - I actually think I leant something and am closer to being ready for my test on Tuesday. I can only do my best.

I have been sleeping 12 hours a night plus an hour nap during the day. i think I am going to ask if I can hold back on some night meds; I take 25 mg of Chlorpromazine, 20 mg of Temazepam and 10 mg of Saphris. I would like to back off the Chlorpromazine first if possible. I just hate waking up feeling like I've been hit by a truck and then feel drugged for an hour or two.

TMS starts tomorrow. They say positive effects usually don't start until the second week so I will have to be patient and try to be hopeful that it works on me. The depression is hell but at least I am stable there and not swinging up and down anymore. I think that might be the Lamotrigine kicking in. I am at 100 mg now. I am on so many meds. I hate it. My pdoc is hoping to stabilise me on Lamotrigine, Lithium and Saphris with Clonazapam PRN. Then slowly take away the Saphris and see how I go. Well, thats our medium-term plan.

I must be doing better today because I usually find it so hard to post but here I am jibber-jabbering away. HUGS to all who need them. Although I don't respond to many posts I wish you all well and care about you.

I hope TMS works well for you.
I have been considering TMS, although the nearest TMS treatment center is 2 hr. drive. We will see what comes about.

I truly admire your courage and your dedication to being as well as possible.

I also have CFS/ME and my pdoc thinks this makes the MI much more difficult to treat. (In that CFS/ME/SEID affects the central Nervous System.)
have any of your pdocs thought in a similar way about CFS and brain function?

I hope things start "looking up" for you. You deserve a break so very much.
My heart goes out to you, Wander.

Please keep us posted.

Sending Much Love Your Way -

(((((( Wander ))))))


WC

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by TheHPEnthusiast1987

Some of the anger I have been feeling has abated into nothing. I'm getting my credit up and I am looking at it that way, Besides I am going to have a good 43 hrs. I had to work a double on Wednesday and I was called in early on Friday. So I am hoping this the start of me getting my funds back up. I am apprehensive on going to the UK for study, mainly because of my savings. I don't think they would allow me to enter because of how low my savings is. I'm still looking to go over there. I've been reading they say it is cheap to live if you know where to look.

Good for you, working at improving your credit, etc.

When I'd read this post, I'd felt I should share something with you. Please be extra careful about enrolling in foreign schools, paying special attention to the fine print re: deposits, tuition discounts, etc. One of my younger relatives answered an online ad for a UK graduate school (and I have seen the school advertised on this very site). She was "courted" by the school and was made all kinds of "promises." She was also promised a sizeable tuition discount IF she made a deposit of several thousand dollars before a certain deadline. She'd borrowed the money to make this deposit early. She later decided against going to the school and notified them long before any published deadlines for withdrawing. In fact, she had never signed up for a single class, etc.
(She had never matriculated, etc. Technically, she did not have to "withdraw," only monies had changed hands.)
The UK-based school refuses to refund a single penny. Their reasoning: Although she did not miss a deadline, the fact she'd never obtain a refund was in the fine print somewhere in their literature.)

It all looks legit, very professional, etc. yet, they are taking advantage of people. How does someone in the U.S. legally pursue a school in the U.K., without losing even more money? (Rhetorical) This case is currently being investigated by the Attorney General's office. I highly doubt they will recover any money.

Please be very careful!


WC

[scatterbrained04]

Got my grocery shopping done, and now trying to get myself motivated to do a few chores. Did scrub the tub this morning, which I hate doing. And did dishes. Not going to stress myself out. Maybe will read or go to the pool later.

Not sure what was up with my mood earlier this week. Had one or two rough days. Other than that, have been actually doing very well. Feel the least fatigued I've felt in years. Turns out it was because I wouldn't eat all day most days except dinner and also less than 200 calories at lunch.

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by scatterbrained04

Got my grocery shopping done, and now trying to get myself motivated to do a few chores. Did scrub the tub this morning, which I hate doing. And did dishes. Not going to stress myself out. Maybe will read or go to the pool later.

Not sure what was up with my mood earlier this week. Had one or two rough days. Other than that, have been actually doing very well. Feel the least fatigued I've felt in years. Turns out it was because I wouldn't eat all day most days except dinner and also less than 200 calories at lunch.

Congrats on getting a few chores done!

That's an interesting observation about the relationship between food intake and fatigue. I have many "food sensitivities" and some foods (eg dairy) will make me so sleepy I cannot function.

It's a great idea to pay attention to how different foods affect us.

I am glad you are going to do something relaxing this afternoon. You work hard all week long!


WC

[99fairies]

My dad has been in the hospital the last few days. He has heart failure and COPD. He is not doing well. I know this has affected my mood. I'm checking my phone every 30 seconds and am feeling very jittery

[wildflowerchild25]

Originally Posted by 99fairies

My dad has been in the hospital the last few days. He has heart failure and COPD. He is not doing well. I know this has affected my mood. I'm checking my phone every 30 seconds and am feeling very jittery

I'm very sorry you're dealing with this. Its very hard when someone we love is sick. Take care of yourself as best you can.

[wildflowerchild25]

I feel amaaaaaazing. I want to do so much! I can't find any of my gardening tools. I'm trying to go out and buy new ones but my son refuses to go to the store with me. Being a single parent sucks sometimes. I'm about to drag him kicking and screaming. My garden looks terrible and it's such a beautiful day, I just want to be outside! I feel so connected to nature. I want my house to look better.

I don't want to just sit here. My house is already clean so I can't even do that.

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by 99fairies

My dad has been in the hospital the last few days. He has heart failure and COPD. He is not doing well. I know this has affected my mood. I'm checking my phone every 30 seconds and am feeling very jittery

This must be very distressing.

Is there something you can do to distract yourself (give yourself a break) while still being available to the phone?

Much Love to you, to your dad and family.


WC

[99fairies]

Thanks everyone. I took some klonipin and am just trying to distract myself.

[Unrigged64072835]

Church picnic went well. Half the potato salad was gone. My husband did fine, but I was a hot sweaty mess so we left early. It was fun to chat with other people for a while.

School starts tomorrow. I'm nervous because this is the first week and I don't know how much homework I'll have. I want to be done by Thursday because my husband is treating me to a spa day. Friday I have injections in my back and I may be sedated. Saturday is my birthday. And next week is T, dermatologist and periodontist. Ugh! Some classes start slow; other classes bury you the first day.

Hugs to those that need them.

[liveforsummer]

Hugs to everyone

[wildflowerchild25]

I calmed down around 5. But I still made dinner for the first time in about a month. I've been too all over the place to make dinner, plus I wasn't eating. So I'm proud of myself for actually making something. It was good too, and low carb.

[Wander]

Originally Posted by Fharraige

Church picnic went well. Half the potato salad was gone. My husband did fine, but I was a hot sweaty mess so we left early. It was fun to chat with other people for a while.

School starts tomorrow. I'm nervous because this is the first week and I don't know how much homework I'll have. I want to be done by Thursday because my husband is treating me to a spa day. Friday I have injections in my back and I may be sedated. Saturday is my birthday. And next week is T, dermatologist and periodontist. Ugh! Some classes start slow; other classes bury you the first day.

Hugs to those that need them.

Good Luck! You are so right that some classes start slow and some bury you. I hope the workload this week is manageable. What classes are you taking?

[Wander]

Slept poorly but woke up positive believing I am going to have a good day. The depression is easing but still present. Today I am going to see my Mum and my 2 year old nephew, study then have my first round of TMS. Will be IP for another 3.5 weeks so I am trying to get out as much as possible to avoid cabin fever. SI has gone. I am so thankful for that.

[bizi]

This evening, I booked tickets to the international blue grass music association festival in Raleigh, North Carolina. We leave September 27th.
Traveling from LA, we will spend the night just south of atlanta Georgia. Where we spend the night at the hampton inn,
then head to North Carolina, all told it is a 15 hour drive.
We will spend 2 nights there at a double tree, for the festival then head to mississippi to visit my friends mother for a few days. then head home. Her mother is in her 90's.
The blue grass festival, we are just going for one day, Friday there will be many players/performers. Jerry douglas, bela fleck to name a couple.
This will be the first time that I take a trip with out jeff for some place fun with just my girlfriend Doris.
I am really looking forward to the trip!

bizi

[Lifeischallenging]

Originally Posted by Wild Coyote

Good for you, working at improving your credit, etc.

When I'd read this post, I'd felt I should share something with you. Please be extra careful about enrolling in foreign schools, paying special attention to the fine print re: deposits, tuition discounts, etc. One of my younger relatives answered an online ad for a UK graduate school (and I have seen the school advertised on this very site). She was "courted" by the school and was made all kinds of "promises." She was also promised a sizeable tuition discount IF she made a deposit of several thousand dollars before a certain deadline. She'd borrowed the money to make this deposit early. She later decided against going to the school and notified them long before any published deadlines for withdrawing. In fact, she had never signed up for a single class, etc.
(She had never matriculated, etc. Technically, she did not have to "withdraw," only monies had changed hands.)
The UK-based school refuses to refund a single penny. Their reasoning: Although she did not miss a deadline, the fact she'd never obtain a refund was in the fine print somewhere in their literature.)

It all looks legit, very professional, etc. yet, they are taking advantage of people. How does someone in the U.S. legally pursue a school in the U.K., without losing even more money? (Rhetorical) This case is currently being investigated by the Attorney General's office. I highly doubt they will recover any money.

Please be very careful!


WC

I will be careful. Thank you. I have someone else's concern on my shoulders. I've been actually looking at the college's website and doing research on their offers. Thank you for your concern again though.

[wildflowerchild25]

Down today. I can't take this back and forth ********. I was normal for most of the week, then moderately depressed Saturday, hypo yesterday, back to depressed today. ****ing ********. I just want to be stable. Why oh why did I have to switch medication??? Why can't meds just work with no serious side effects? It's like I can keep taking invega and watch my A1C rise, or I can take something else and be unstable.

I guess I need to go up on the depakote.

I'm gonna go back to bed.

[bpforever1]

Thank you for those who congratulated me on my birthday!!! I'm doing well still. I went to work even though I was tired all day. I feel better now. I met one of my lovers yesterday. We ate out and had fun. It probably explains the reason I was tired all day today. hahahaa Anyways, I am feeling ok now. I am happy and am alone but not lonely. I have so much to do and this keeps me preoccupied. I am trying to look good for myself. Thus, I walk daily for exercise. I eat well too- salads and chicken. I occasionally eat ice cream. I put my hair in curlers and wear makeup. I feel better about myself when I look good. I look ok nothing great. I try to look attractive because I feel good about myself when I do. I also try to have good hygiene because I don't like to smell. I take a shower daily. I feel good about myself and enjoy life. I don't smoke nor drink. I never have so I don't think I'm interested in picking up the habits now. I am old but don't feel that old. I think how one feels is important to one's mental stability. I had terrible acne scars and now my scars are still there but my face has changed. When I was younger, my scars affected my mental state. I felt bad about myself. And, with a mental illness, my scars did not help me with my self-esteem. Now, I wear makeup to minimize my scars and a healthy lifestyle has affected my appearance. I believe my improvement in my appearance has made me feel overall much better about life. Weird. I don't know the reason for this. As a result, I try to look good for myself and for my mental stability. I also take better care of myself now by exercising and sleeping well. It helps, I believe. Happiness is not about appearance, of course, but a state of mind. I am happy. I feel happy about myself and my life. I am not rich nor a beauty. But, I am happy with what I have. I have a broken mind but am doing well with medication. I am poor but enjoy what I can with do within my means- looking at nature, walking in parks, eating out occasionally, etc. I used to think money could buy happiness. But, after becoming homeless and having absolutely nothing, I appreciate the little things in life now. I am grateful for my life and far from perfect. I am happy not because I look ok but because I am healthier overall now than I was before. I feel my mental health due to taking my med daily has affected not only my mental health but also my physical health and appearance. I feel blessed. I feel the pain others have from suffering from severe mental illness. I have been there myself and hope that everybody who suffers such pain will be strong to endure it to find the light at the end of the tunnel of pain. I think nothing in life lasts forever whether it be pain, suffering, or life itself. Thus, we must live for the moment and find that true state of happiness before it is all gone. Death is permanent and may last forever. But, life is not permanent. Let us all live life to the fullest and enjoy what we have and appreciate our God-given life. We are here for a reason. No matter how small and insignificant your life may seem to you- you are important to someone and precious. Nobody is born as an island. We all our born to someone and have parents/ family. I truly believe this. I am not religious but do believe that God has a purpose for each one of us. I believe my purpose is to make others happy and to help others to see that people with mental illness are fully capable of living independently. It is not much. But, I feel blessed to have recovered somewhat to the point where I can be happy about myself and my life. I hope this helps. Hugs and smiles!!

There was break-in two houses up our street, but only medications were taken.
Burglars can have my medication; I'll leave it outdoors every night in a weekly dose case.

[hopeless2015]

Uggg Monday morning. 10 minutes late to work, alarm went off and I went back to sleep for 20 minutes, then traffic was a bear. I made it though. Having trouble staying focused today, so frustrating! I missed 2 days on my trileptal this weekend cause I didn't go pi k up my refill till yesterday, back on track starting last night. Also drank too much this weekend. Hugs to everyone!!