Waikiki Section 8! Another day writing and smokin' big ol' doinks in the Amish. My Seroquel dreams have shifted from bad to just weird. Not unpleasant but sketchy: meeting presidents, producing porn and smuggling metals were just the start of a sketchy procession. I might check in later. I popped two ambien at 5:30 to encourage myself to fall back to sleep. The ambien didn't work then but it's working now. I had a dream in which I barfed a rainbow of 9/11 on a PC forum. Pretty far-out crap. It's overcast and still in our microclimate, which is nice.

[Guiness187055]

Got through hurricane Irma relatively unscathed. I have had no motivation at all as of late. I have also been having really bad panic attacks when I try to go to sleep. I see my pdoc tomorrow and we are going to start to wean off of the zyprexa and add abilify.

[liveforsummer]

Had a good stable day today. Thumbs up

[gina_re]

It's still hard to believe my cat isn't here. I no longer have her there to greet me as I walk through the door. It's weird in my own house with her gone.
In other news, I saw a new pdoc on Friday, he decided to keep everything the same which is fine by me. I talked to the lady working on my disability case as well and she says I have a few months left before a decision would be made. My anxiety skyrocketed. I can't expect my mom to move in here and just absorb all of my past due bills. So I sucked it up and applied for a couple of retail jobs. I have no choice even though my brain has been on vacation for weeks now.
I would like to add that my mom has been extremely supportive through all of this. If it weren't for her, I don't know how would even be able to cope with with a mess of a life I exist in right now

[Woolly Bugger]

Doing well. Stable, but still obsessing about outboard motors. It's kind of fun, to be honest.

[xRavenx]

I've taken enough time off of work and now I must go back tomorrow. I am nervous. Things aren't better with me in those 10 days off. I have a workaholic personality, but was hoping I could have got in to see my pdoc yesterday, but there was no wiggle room. Now I must ask the boss for more time, to take off to go to an appointment, as I attempt to get in soon. There's a lot of pressure to get back to work. Symptom-wise: things are very much "off." I'm falling deeper into this episode, where it's hard to hide anymore. Tonight, I don't know why I can't bring myself to sleep. There's just too much going through my mind. It's hard to even try.

See, usually I have a way of faking things that everything is okay. Sometimes I think I am good at doing that, but I guess others will have to be the judge of that. My mind keeps jumping to one thing to another: belief that I have a deadly illness, belief something bad is happening to my family and it all seems real in that very moment. I don't know what's in store for me......hopefully I won't get fired but get to see the pdoc sooner.

[bizi]

here need to go to bed!
bizi

[Standup2me]

My last day of work, in a job I despise with a boss that I wish was dead, even better - that he would die at work so that I could shove a dirty sock down his throat and suffocate him.
Arrogant p***k
Selfish pig
Stupid, chauvinistic ancient piece of crap
...can you tell that I don't like him????????
no I would not do that with a sock....how would I explain the sock in his throat and me only having one on???????

[Nammu]

Originally Posted by gina_re

It's still hard to believe my cat isn't here. I no longer have her there to greet me as I walk through the door. It's weird in my own house with her gone.
In other news, I saw a new pdoc on Friday, he decided to keep everything the same which is fine by me. I talked to the lady working on my disability case as well and she says I have a few months left before a decision would be made. My anxiety skyrocketed. I can't expect my mom to move in here and just absorb all of my past due bills. So I sucked it up and applied for a couple of retail jobs. I have no choice even though my brain has been on vacation for weeks now.
I would like to add that my mom has been extremely supportive through all of this. If it weren't for her, I don't know how would even be able to cope with with a mess of a life I exist in right now

That must create an empty hole at home.

[Lifeischallenging]

Things are going great with my therapist. Talking mainly how bad it is at home. I found a solution to my car buying dilemma, though. I thought about joining ZipCar. It might not be the best idea in the world, especially someone with me would have to drive me down so I can pick up the car. But next to sharing one car between "three" people, its the best idea I've had.

[winter loneliness]

I haven't seen my therapist/psychiatrist for a while. She is a good doctor but I have always thought she didn't like me. I am a bit much.

Tonight I have to sleep. I have 2 appts tomorrow. When I don't sleep,I become hypomanic.

This has been going on for several nights now.

[Wander]

My pdoc has agreed to discharge me tomorrow. Only eighteen more hours to go until I get to leave this hospital (not that I am counting, lol). Excited but also a bit cautious as it will be a big transition after being IP for eight weeks.

The plan is to take another week off work so I can settle myself in and go back late next week. I will stay at my parents until then at least so I have company as I live alone. I am looking forward to walks on the beach, playing guitar, socialising and resting. I will still have to continue my studies but that is ok. So thankful the depression has lifted and the mania has not returned. Going to comply with my meds and do all I can to maintain recovery. I never want to go through the vicious rapid cycling I have been experiencing for years again. I am hopeful this recent treatment will help me achieve that goal – well at least for a year or two.

[bpforever1]

I am doing ok. I'm trying to get more work but teaching English here in Japan is so competitive these days. I should be happy with what I am doing now. I could have gotten a full-time job but did not think I could handle it. Thus, I am trying to expand my work time. I will be ok. I like the downtime I have. I just rest and take it easy. I truly like working as a teacher. I have done many jobs before and this job is the most suitable for me. I hope I can continue with it as long as I am here. I am happy overall!!

[Shleigh]

Originally Posted by Gabyunbound

I just finished the 2 week orientation at the my new job (in a hospital). The hospital is so huge and the layout such a chaotic maze (and me with no sense of direction) it's caused no end of anxiety. I see my colleagues, their relaxed demeanors, and am jealous and feel so so bad. It takes so much energy to hide anxiety -or the worst of it. And I'm exhausted. I feel down at work, because of all of this, and this is also so hard to hide.

I'm a Certified Spanish Medical Interpreter, so I interpret for Spanish-speaking patients all over the hospital, inpatients and outpatients.

I move on to per diem work now (I'm called in when needed and can refuse jobs if I want to, but I need to take as many as I can to make enough money) and it's scary. The money is in taking night and weekend shifts (where there's no one to help you, you're alone, no dispatcher or other interpreters, night interpreters work til 1:30am and weekend interpreters work 12-hour shifts. Both are responsible for the entire hospital). If I were to take these shifts it would be so nerve-wracking because I still don't know my way around, especially the ER, with it's 8 different areas, that don't make a lot of sense how they're laid out.

In short, I'm very very anxious and having a hard time hiding this from my co-workers and my boss. I feel so alone. I've even considered bringing Klonopin with me in case I need it, but it makes me a bit sleepy and I need to be wide awake...

I know this will get better with time, but I'm afraid of making terrible mistakes along the way. I've gotten lots of tours of the hospital and still have a very hard time finding my way around. I feel so bad. I feel stupid. My lack of sense of direction has come to bite me.

As has my back pain. I can't stand for very long without searing pain in my back. My last job, in California, was mostly outpatient so I could sit for much of the time. Not here. ER is pure standing as are inpatient encounters.

Sorry this is so long. The long and short of it, is my terrible anxiety and my ability to hide it. I wonder how others do it. It's so so hard. And it's starting to bring my mood down, more every day.

I am so sorry that you are feeling this. You are definitely not alone. For me, it has a lot to do with whether I am manic, hypomanic, stable, or depressed. I was a bartender for seven years. I am very sociable, outgoing, opinionated, and confident, until I'm not.

When the depression hits, it hits! I have no confidence, intense and constant anxiety, extreme self-doubt, and crippling fatigue. It feels like it will never end. I'm anxious or don't care about my job. I don't want to talk to or face anyone. I can't focus, and there are times that there is no way I can even fake it. This is coming from a bartender and a sales rep. My phases tend to be cyclical, so I now track where I am at to get a better sense of when it will shift.

Do you have someone there like a boss you trust, or an HR Department that you can talk to? I know disclosing bipolar, or any mental illness, in a professional setting can feel risky for some.

[Shleigh]

Hi Guys,

I am new to this forum and site, and pretty much brand new to this type of online platform altogether. I am here to spread and gain as much knowledge about this illness, it's varying types, and co-existing conditions as possible. I am also here to seek and offer support when the extremes are just too much to handle.

In a nutshell:

Two years ago I was diagnosed with:

-Schizoaffective Bipolar Type
-ADHD
-Generalized Anxiety
-Panic Disorder

I had been misdiagnosed for over ten years prior, on and off medications that almost always made me worse. I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety. I know that this is often a first off diagnosis for a lot of people with bipolar.

I have been through a lot of trial and error recently with my meds, and I am still working to adjust and cope. I am currently experiencing the manic/depressive combo package. How I love that one!

I hope to have some meaningful discussions here. Nice to meet you all!

[scatterbrained04]

Originally Posted by Shleigh

Hi Guys,

I am new to this forum and site, and pretty much brand new to this type of online platform altogether. I am here to spread and gain as much knowledge about this illness, it's varying types, and co-existing conditions as possible. I am also here to seek and offer support when the extremes are just too much to handle.

In a nutshell:

Two years ago I was diagnosed with:

-Schizoaffective Bipolar Type
-ADHD
-Generalized Anxiety
-Panic Disorder

I had been misdiagnosed for over ten years prior, on and off medications that almost always made me worse. I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety. I know that this is often a first off diagnosis for a lot of people with bipolar.

I have been through a lot of trial and error recently with my meds, and I am still working to adjust and cope. I am currently experiencing the manic/depressive combo package. How I love that one!

I hope to have some meaningful discussions here. Nice to meet you all!

Welcome to PC!! So glad to have you join us. Mixed episodes are the worst. Hope it goes away quickly.

[scatterbrained04]

Still battling anxiety and been feeling a bit "off." Like maybe heading into depression but maybe not. I hope not. A lot of things make me anxious that previously did not or not as much. I get anxiety often for no reason at all. I'm not sure what's up.

Supposed to meet with pdoc today. Pretty nervous because if I tell the truth, he's going to want to see me back soon. I cash pay for visits, and the truth is, I can't afford to see him again. I tore through the funds I have for psych visits earlier this year during that episode I had. Sigh.. I don't know what to do. I already will be struggling to pay for meds.

[bizi]

dear scatter,
Contact the pharm companies and see if you can get patient assistance.
or maybe contact an overseas(canada) pharmacist to see if you can purchase at a lower cost.
Please tell your pdoc the truth about your finances and your financial situation. He/she might be willing to see you less?
Don't know until you try.
good luck
bizi

[99fairies]

I've been doing pretty good. My itching has gone away...thank God! And my kids are enjoying school. I'm still trying to adjust to them not being here but I do enjoy the peace and quiet!

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by Shleigh

Hi Guys,

I am new to this forum and site, and pretty much brand new to this type of online platform altogether. I am here to spread and gain as much knowledge about this illness, it's varying types, and co-existing conditions as possible. I am also here to seek and offer support when the extremes are just too much to handle.

In a nutshell:

Two years ago I was diagnosed with:

-Schizoaffective Bipolar Type
-ADHD
-Generalized Anxiety
-Panic Disorder

I had been misdiagnosed for over ten years prior, on and off medications that almost always made me worse. I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety. I know that this is often a first off diagnosis for a lot of people with bipolar.

I have been through a lot of trial and error recently with my meds, and I am still working to adjust and cope. I am currently experiencing the manic/depressive combo package. How I love that one!

I hope to have some meaningful discussions here. Nice to meet you all!

WELCOME TO PC!!!

I hope you find the information and the support you are seeking.
Please make yourself at home here.

WC

[Nammu]

Originally Posted by Shleigh

I am so sorry that you are feeling this. You are definitely not alone. For me, it has a lot to do with whether I am manic, hypomanic, stable, or depressed. I was a bartender for seven years. I am very sociable, outgoing, opinionated, and confident, until I'm not.

When the depression hits, it hits! I have no confidence, intense and constant anxiety, extreme self-doubt, and crippling fatigue. It feels like it will never end. I'm anxious or don't care about my job. I don't want to talk to or face anyone. I can't focus, and there are times that there is no way I can even fake it. This is coming from a bartender and a sales rep. My phases tend to be cyclical, so I now track where I am at to get a better sense of when it will shift.

Do you have someone there like a boss you trust, or an HR Department that you can talk to? I know disclosing bipolar, or any mental illness, in a professional setting can feel risky for some.

to PC and the bipolar forum

[Guiness187055]

It's been an odd day. I feel pretty good for the most part. These muscle relaxers that I am taking for my back really seem to help me out. Got some hurricane mess cleaned up. My Pdoc canceled my appointment tomorrow. The office has no power along with 75% of town. I hope his comes up soon because I really need to see him. We have a 6pm curfew which hopefully will be lifted tomorrow.

[liveforsummer]

Thumbs down day today but trying to savour the warm sunny weather as it'll be ripped from me sooner than later.

[wonderluster]

Originally Posted by escapeartist

I keep writing paragraphs on how I'm feeling, but its pointless. I just want all of this to end.

Whether feeling great or terrible, people usually forget that feelings and situations will eventually change. Try not to forget.

We who experience extreme mood shifts should also try to remember that our assessment of our situation is often distorted. We need to talk to a reliable objective person for reality checks.

[wonderluster]

I am battling mosquitoes in my bedroom as I do various things on my laptop.

This is my nightly routine. My goal is to dispatch all of the tiny biting bloodsuckers who took a wrong turn into my room before I go to sleep.
Sleep time is sunrise give or take an hour or two.

If I do not send them into their next incarnation, (I like to think I am graduating them to butterflies!) they will cause me such misery when I turn out the lights that I will either curse God or beg God to take me now.

Other than that, I think everybody and every little thing is going to be alright.
We just have to keep battling til we win the war.

Thanks & Hugs