[NoIdeaWhatToDo]

I've been pretty stable for the last year, and it's going well for me in general, mood-wise. I've got my energy and motivation back. I can do all the things that need to get done for my work and my family. My challenge is my marriage.

My husband travels for work a lot, and lately I've noticed that I'm happier when he's on the road. I have a great routine with my kids and our home, and it's efficient, predictable, and I feel like it's a system that is well structured for harmony in our house. I always know the next four things that need to get done, and I know that they're my responsibilities because I'm the only parent home. When my husband is home, it all gets unpredictable - he does some things and I do others, and I never really feel like we're on top of things. Partially, this is because his schedule is unpredictable. His work might extend his workday for an extra four hours, notifying him 5 minutes before he should get off shift (it's the nature of the work he does...). So I can't really rely on him while he's home to get anything done, but I resent if he IS home and I'm doing all the work. He often shuts down after dinner and the kids go to bed, taking that time to relax before going to bed himself. But I see all the things that still need to happen to get the house settled before the end of the day - taking care of animals, cleaning up the kitchen, prepping things for tomorrow, etc. I feel overwhelmed because I assume he will help, but he doesn't unless I give him specific tasks. I probably should just accept that, but it infuriates me that he's so disconnected from our home life that he can't see our dogs need water, our water filter is empty, the food from dinner needs to be put away, etc. He'll do any of this I mention, but it's ridiculous that a grown man in his 40's can't see for himself what needs to be done, especially since the same stuff has had to get done EVERY night for the past 15+ years.

So when he's home, I resent the extra work present due to having another person eating, creating laundry, leaving little piles around, etc. (all natural things that people do), but not being able to count on him picking up the workload without being prompted. On top of that, he's been having a stressful time at work with circumstances that are temporary and out of his power to do anything about. All that is roiling around in his mind in a non-stop loop (he perseverates on this kind of stuff incessantly until it's resolved), and it's making him more disconnected with our home life, even though he's physically present. His patience & tolerance for our kids and their normal activity is lower, his demand on my attention so he can perseverate out loud is greater, and he has zero self-awareness about this, so it's become nearly intolerable. It increases my anxiety when he walks through the door, mostly because I'm getting disgusted with how self-focused his thoughts and behaviors are.

He left yesterday for a brief work trip, and I was so relieved. When he gets back, the kids and I will leave for the long weekend for a brief vacation (he'll be home working). I'm happy that I won't have to spend time around him for about a week, and that scares me for our relationship. I want to feel connected to him, and I want to enjoy his company. But right now, I really don't.

Has anyone been here? Please tell me this can just be a phase and it can get better...part of normal ups and downs of marriage?

[NoIdeaWhatToDo]

I forgot to mention one major source of the disconnect - he often rises earlier than I do in the morning, so he does breakfast with the kids. Lately, that means he gets up, starts coffee, and gets himself cereal. Then he turns on his tablet to watch the news or surf the web, plugged in with earbuds. The kids come out when they get up and make their own breakfasts, or I get them up when I wake if they're not up yet. While he's on the tablet, I check that our kids have eaten something balanced, let the outdoor animals out/feed them, check if kids have fed the dogs, check that kids are prepped to go to school (drinks bottles, lunches, paperwork, backpacks), get them to put their dishes away and brush teeth, and watch the clock to get them out the door on time. He goes to work around the time we take my son to the bus; sometimes he drops him off. When he comes home from work, usually we're just sitting to eat (I try to wait for him to get home so we can eat as a family; when he's in town we manage this every night unless he's extended past 7pm). We finish eating and I prompt the kids to clear the table and get ready for bed. If I mention it to him, he'll do the dishes from cooking (kids put the rest in the dishwasher). Kids go to bed, and he sits on the couch with his tablet and earbuds to watch a show. When we head to bed, he puts something on the table like the History channel or something, again with earbuds, and goes to sleep. He's often asleep before I can even manage to get the cat inside/fed, get our son to the bathroom, get doors locked, and into bed myself. He can't shut his mind off if he doesn't have something going like TV in the background, and it makes it hard for him to sleep. That was a dealbreaker for me early in our relationship, because we would turn TV on for him to fall asleep, and I would be up to 2 or 3 in the morning because I would get engrossed. For over a decade, we haven't even owned a TV. And he's gone to bed just fine. But over the past 6-7 months, he plugs in every single night. So maybe he can shut out the thoughts in his head, but he's also shutting out me, the kids, and all the things that go on in our house (including if kids or animals wake in the night and need help - which means I am up almost every night dealing with something while he's blissfully unaware).

I did mention this to him a few nights ago - about him bringing home the issue from work and making the whole house miserable with him, as well as him being super disconnected. But then he left for his trip, so not sure yet if anything will change.

[UpDownAround]

My single largest source of stress is my relationship with my wife, but we act like nothing is wrong. The kids know since she never shares a room with me (by her choice, not mine). It definitely has major impact on my moods. I can't believe I let it go on this long.

[Sunflower123]

It's time for you and your husband to have a conversation either in or out of counseling. There may be tension on both sides. I can see why you'd be resentful. Good luck and best wishes.

[NoIdeaWhatToDo]

I don't really know how to go about talking through this with him. In the past, if I've been upset about something, he has to resolve it before he can move on. Literally, nothing else can happen until he feels like it's resolved. About a month or two ago, I was upset with him about something, and he knew it. He asked if I was upset, and I told him I was, but I was starting my work day (I work from home). In any event, he knows that when I'm upset, I prefer to take some space to sort through what's really going on so that I can discuss it a little removed from the emotion of it all and so that I can make sure I say what I mean and don't say things in the heat of the moment that I might regret later.

He left to get to work at 8. He came home at 8:30 sat down on the couch next to my desk and stared at my profile while I worked until I stopped working and turned to him. He wanted to get to the bottom of what was upsetting me, but I told him I needed time to sort it out and that I needed to work. He told me he wouldn't be able to work without resolving it, and that if he had to wait all day he would just perseverate on it and get himself totally worked up. Then he'd come home upset and angry, and it would be worse to work it out then. I felt backed into a corner - either give up my request for space/time or he'd be angry when I was ready to work it out.

So we talked it out, with me completely at the mercy of my still raw emotions. I was frustrated and in tears and having a hard time coming up with a single thing or finite number of things to resolve, everything that every made me upset came bubbling up. I was not linear or coherent, and my thoughts got all jumbled up in a heap. (Which, incidentally, is EXACTLY why I need time/space to sort through it all.) Because I couldn't stay on a single track, we just kept talking in circles. I was sobbing and upset, developed a severe headache, and was emotionally spent. Still, he wouldn't leave me alone because we weren't 'resolved'. At one point, I told him I COULDN'T go through this anymore and that I was totally beyond spent. He told me that he was OK walking away now, as long as I committed to coming to him when I was ready so we could be resolved. I honestly have no idea how much more he thinks could have been said, but I told him if he felt unresolved to figure out whatever he needed and do it now, because I couldn't subject myself to any more of this later - I wasn't willing to collect myself then only to be completely broken down again later. So, he kept up the discussion until he felt some sort of closure.

This took place in our bedroom with him between me on the bed and our door (symbolically trapping me - and that felt very oppressive at the time and even now in my memory) for 4 HOURS. He forced me to talk this out through obvious emotional distress for 2/3 of my working day, which in reality obliterated my entire day because I was useless afterwards. All because he can't stand if I'm upset with him. I told him at the end that he had to figure out a way to be OK with me being mad at him, because that's inevitable in life. I'll get over it or work it out with him, but I can't emotionally afford to go through sessions like that every time he ticks me off.

As a result of that experience (and others like it), I simply have no desire to try to work things out with him on my own. It feels like I'm being punished for getting upset with him. So I internalize it and refuse to discuss it with him for fear of being trapped into something that just destroys me emotionally.

As for counseling, he's very supportive *in theory* of going to a counselor with me, but only in terms of dealing with things that *I'm* having struggles with. He and I did attend therapy for 2 sessions together once, and he was ridiculously defensive the whole time. Body language, tone of voice, responses to the therapist's questions...and when I mentioned it to him, he had zero awareness about it. He thought he had been totally open. His view of himself relative to the reality of how others see/experience him is bizarre sometimes. Anyway, counseling/therapy is something he'll do if it's for MY issues, and even then he can't manage it in a helpful way.

[Hairball]

Wait a minute the first two posts are from the wife? and the third post from hubby? Whats going on?

[Fuzzybear]

[NoIdeaWhatToDo]

The first two posts and the 5th are from me (a wife). The 3rd post is from another PC user who is a husband, it sounds like in another frustrating marital situation. Not my husband.

[UpDownAround]

Yup, I am a different husband on a different coast with a very different story. We split chores and don't really argue but my wife has lost all interest in any affection more than an almost cordial kiss, doesn't want to go to my work events or do much of anything with me, not even just sit and chat. I gave her some space to work through it and the next thing you know, years have gone by and she hasn't even made an effort. Youngest turns 18 next year, goes off to school and I will be out the door right behind him if nothing changes.

[NoIdeaWhatToDo]

So sorry you're going through that, UpDownAround. That's what I'm afraid of for us, ultimately. If we don't do something to change this now, I don't know what will hold us together later. But I feel like the space between us is growing. I know he notices it too, but he doesn't see his contribution to that space growing. And I don't know how to address it without making it intolerable (meaning how he approaches 'talking it out' with me) - having an arbiter, like a marriage counselor, might help, but I don't know if that would be useful if he doesn't see that there are behaviors and attitudes he'll need to change in himself. I know there will be things I'll need to work on, but going to marriage counseling together to work on me alone won't get us anywhere.

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by NoIdeaWhatToDo

So sorry you're going through that, UpDownAround. That's what I'm afraid of for us, ultimately. If we don't do something to change this now, I don't know what will hold us together later. But I feel like the space between us is growing. I know he notices it too, but he doesn't see his contribution to that space growing. And I don't know how to address it without making it intolerable (meaning how he approaches 'talking it out' with me) - having an arbiter, like a marriage counselor, might help, but I don't know if that would be useful if he doesn't see that there are behaviors and attitudes he'll need to change in himself. I know there will be things I'll need to work on, but going to marriage counseling together to work on me alone won't get us anywhere.

Sounds like you are going through a very tough time.

Personally, I see great value in working with a marriage counselor.
A skilled therapist will help each of you to see attitudes and behaviors you each could choose to change.

I hope you each find healing within your marriage.


WC

[UpDownAround]

Sometimes I think I am being set up to be the bad guy. Other times I think she really is okay with this. But we are approaching retirement and disagree on when it starts, where we will live and in how large of a place. We used to agree on it and I haven't changed the plan. I get that maybe we have to compromise since she has, but she is unwilling to talk about that. She is also unwilling to see a marriage counselor because she says my only motivation is sex. I would hope that would be an outcome but I miss feeling close to her in other ways just as much. It sucks.

I think marriage therapy could be in order. I'm reading a lot of mixed and confusing messages and I feel a professional could help you sort things out better if you intent to try and make it work. You sound very resentful and unhappy. (((Hugs)))

Originally Posted by UpDownAround

Sometimes I think I am being set up to be the bad guy. Other times I think she really is okay with this. But we are approaching retirement and disagree on when it starts, where we will live and in how large of a place. We used to agree on it and I haven't changed the plan. I get that maybe we have to compromise since she has, but she is unwilling to talk about that. She is also unwilling to see a marriage counselor because she says my only motivation is sex. I would hope that would be an outcome but I miss feeling close to her in other ways just as much. It sucks.

I can sense your confusion and pain. My heart breaks for you......that must be very hard to live in such a way. (((Hugs)))

[UpDownAround]

Originally Posted by ElsaMars

I can sense your confusion and pain. My heart breaks for you......that must be very hard to live in such a way. (((Hugs)))

It is, but the intense stress of talking separation and doing it is not really appealing either. I fear ending up like a country song "Since you've gone, I've been so miserable it's like you're still here."

[5150DirtDiva]

I used to get this way too. But we bought a house recently and I now just do the house work. He takes care of all the maintenance stuff and animals. We dirt bike, I do nothing to maintain that or the camper stuff for out weekend racing.

We have settled into roles. But the traveling. I get that. When he is gone I get into a better routine. I am sure he does the same when I travel too.

It is what it is at this point and to be honest I sort of enjoy that he keeps my house in order so I can take care of him and the kid.

[NoIdeaWhatToDo]

Maybe we should sit and agree to specific jobs. Then at least when he's home I know to focus on what I need to get done and I can just leave him to his. It will be like asking him to do x, y, or z, but only asking him the one time and then having an understanding that it always will need to get done...maybe?

I'm feeling a little better today. When I get really pent up about these kinds of things (whether related to him, to my moods, to my work, or whatever else), I really need an outlet to let it all out, even the things I would never want to say out loud to someone. I try to be really careful of his feelings - I never want to say something that I'll regret or that he can't unhear unless I'm absolutely certain there's no way to maintain a healthy relationship without addressing it. That's the biggest part of the reason I need so much space/time to react when I get really upset or angry.

When I can get it all out here, it relieves a lot of that frustration for me. I try not to do that with people in my life too much, because I don't want to speak negatively about my husband to our friends or family.

My big hope here is that once he figures out a new equilibrium at work, he can return more of his attention to our family and home. It would be nice to feel like he wants to be engaged with us again. I really don't think he realizes how his perseveration on the work issues, and his responses to that stress, translate at home to the kids and I feeling like there's no room in his consideration for us.

As a side note, it's particularly stressful in our home right now because my husband is looking at other jobs in his agency to get away from his current situation. These jobs would necessitate us moving. He has asked me whether he should even look at the other positions, or if moving is absolutely out of the question. My challenge is that it's not out of the question (I don't think there's much in life that ever is) - but it would be terribly disruptive to our family. My son is struggling to manage his emotions, largely (according to his therapist) because he needs to feel connected to the people around him in order to thrive. That sense of connection is harder for him to maintain than most people. We're working on this, but uprooting him from his friends, school and community will not help. Our daughter just had her first day of middle school. She's far more resilient than our son, but she's got deep roots in terms of friends, extracurriculars, etc. She's devastated at the idea of leaving. And then for me - I'm generally introverted and have a hard time making deep connections to people. It takes me a lot of time to establish my 'tribe', and once I do I tend to maintain one or two deep friendships that feel like family. These people become my support network, since we don't live near family and my husband is gone or unreliable (due to work schedule) a lot. In addition to that, if we move, it's likely I would have to quit my job, which basically facilitates our lifestyle right now, including the flexibility required to ensure he can do the work he does. Despite all that, I don't feel like I can tell him it's an absolute 'no' to move; ultimately, life taught me early on that whatever else happens you just adapt and keep doing the next thing. We COULD move. We COULD reestablish a new community around us. We COULD figure out how to handle the fallout of uprooting our lives and transplanting to a new place. We would probably be unhappy for some time, then we would figure it out.

So I won't say 'no' to the whole idea, but I'm frustrated because I feel like this has been coming for a couple of years - my husband is not someone who knows how to be content. He is always looking over the fence for the next opportunity. He always thinks the grass is greener elsewhere. I've known this about him for a long time. He gets bored easily. We talked about this when we decided to move here - I didn't want to at the time, but he sold me on it saying that this was a place with enough to do for him professionally that we could be here until our kids were out of school. We have 11 more years until that time, but he's always itching to go somewhere else and try something new. The acute situation at his work is kind of like that match that lit the fuel pile that's been gathering for awhile. I don't particularly want to spend my life establishing a home/life where he lands, then uprooting it when he gets bored and starting again elsewhere. I already gave up my opportunity to have a vibrant career; I work part-time for an agency doing work I don't much care for that isn't engaging, but it allows me the freedom to work from home mostly and schedule my own hours so that I can be around when the kids are out of school and I can manage all the appointments and things that pop up. I get paid around 70% or so of what I should, which is something I accept in exchange for the freedom to work the way I do. If I leave this job, I don't know if I'll ever find this kind of flexibility again, and I won't have the salary history to negotiate for what I'm worth. I also haven't branched out of my field enough to be competitive in many areas, so unless what I do now is available wherever we land, I'm likely looking at a significant reduction in pay for more hours and less flexibility. When I've brought these points up to him, he responds that he's stressed at work without effective leadership (this is temporary - they're in the hiring process right now), and he's not confident in his abilities in his position - he was hired with the understanding that he would be sufficiently trained up, but they didn't allocate the resources to accomplish that, so he's picked up what he could along the way but still doesn't have enough time in practice to feel confident. There's no reason to believe that the training/practice time for him will increase, so he doesn't feel like he's got anywhere to go from here.

I understand where he's coming from, but all I take to heart is that he doesn't want to keep doing what he's doing right now, so he'd like for me to say it's OK to move our whole family several states away to try something new and shiny. Every job change he's gone through has followed this pattern: it seems exciting to try, he gets the position, he likes the environment, some other personnel change happens and he then can't stand someone he's working with (i.e., the person(s) that made it fun for him to go to work every day move/retire/etc.), he thinks another job would be better, and repeat. He even mentioned that one of the places he is looking at has the benefit of a guy he likes working with in that office for about another 6 years before he retires. So while he says all the things about better working conditions, a position that affords him the opportunity to do more/better for his agency, professional fulfillment, etc. - the net effect I hear is that his friends at work left and now he wants to move somewhere that he can work with another friend. I don't think he sees it that way at all, but that's been true for the last 3 positions he's held.

Sorry I sort of went off for awhile on this one - there are clearly several issues at play that are contributing to my sense of not being connected to and prioritized by my husband. I really just feel defeated right now, though, and that as soon as one of these other positions flies (somewhere in the next 4-6 months), we'll start the process of moving again. I feel resigned, because even when we talk about things like this, I just end up feeling steam-rolled by him. And I don't feel like I can withstand going through the turmoil of arguing with him about anything, much less a decision this large. If I have to sob my way through a 4-hour session with him on why I'm mad about a couple of incidents in our day-to-day lives, I can't imagine how dramatically painful he'll make something like this.

[5150DirtDiva]

Yes exactly with the jobs. I had to have this worked out between the 2 of us. If you guys to stick to it and see that both are contributing, it is way easier.

Glad you are feeling better too!

I have had to address my husband being on his phone during dinner. Yea bro, I cooked a scratch meal with home grown ingredients so you can ignore me and our daughter.. Did not word it like that, but I voiced my concern and without blaming him I let him know why it is upsetting. Perhaps your husband is just not realizing that he seems to be blocking you out. Not to mention that he gets up and starts playing on there while everyone else is doing stuff, that is really not cool. You and your kids deserve better.

IMO he is copping out. You do not get to check out at home because work is difficult. That is BS. He needs to man up. It is definitely not his kid's fault (and certainly not yours) that stuff is going on at work, he is being selfish AF.

We were dual military. We faced moves every 3 or so years and the threat of not getting stationed together. Again. Not a reason to check out. But yes, I certainly understand this stress and how it affects a family. Tons of exceptional family members get through this too. If you guys have to move you will make it too.

Originally Posted by NoIdeaWhatToDo

Maybe we should sit and agree to specific jobs. Then at least when he's home I know to focus on what I need to get done and I can just leave him to his. It will be like asking him to do x, y, or z, but only asking him the one time and then having an understanding that it always will need to get done...maybe?

I'm feeling a little better today. When I get really pent up about these kinds of things (whether related to him, to my moods, to my work, or whatever else), I really need an outlet to let it all out, even the things I would never want to say out loud to someone. I try to be really careful of his feelings - I never want to say something that I'll regret or that he can't unhear unless I'm absolutely certain there's no way to maintain a healthy relationship without addressing it. That's the biggest part of the reason I need so much space/time to react when I get really upset or angry.

When I can get it all out here, it relieves a lot of that frustration for me. I try not to do that with people in my life too much, because I don't want to speak negatively about my husband to our friends or family.

My big hope here is that once he figures out a new equilibrium at work, he can return more of his attention to our family and home. It would be nice to feel like he wants to be engaged with us again. I really don't think he realizes how his perseveration on the work issues, and his responses to that stress, translate at home to the kids and I feeling like there's no room in his consideration for us.

As a side note, it's particularly stressful in our home right now because my husband is looking at other jobs in his agency to get away from his current situation. These jobs would necessitate us moving. He has asked me whether he should even look at the other positions, or if moving is absolutely out of the question. My challenge is that it's not out of the question (I don't think there's much in life that ever is) - but it would be terribly disruptive to our family. My son is struggling to manage his emotions, largely (according to his therapist) because he needs to feel connected to the people around him in order to thrive. That sense of connection is harder for him to maintain than most people. We're working on this, but uprooting him from his friends, school and community will not help. Our daughter just had her first day of middle school. She's far more resilient than our son, but she's got deep roots in terms of friends, extracurriculars, etc. She's devastated at the idea of leaving. And then for me - I'm generally introverted and have a hard time making deep connections to people. It takes me a lot of time to establish my 'tribe', and once I do I tend to maintain one or two deep friendships that feel like family. These people become my support network, since we don't live near family and my husband is gone or unreliable (due to work schedule) a lot. In addition to that, if we move, it's likely I would have to quit my job, which basically facilitates our lifestyle right now, including the flexibility required to ensure he can do the work he does. Despite all that, I don't feel like I can tell him it's an absolute 'no' to move; ultimately, life taught me early on that whatever else happens you just adapt and keep doing the next thing. We COULD move. We COULD reestablish a new community around us. We COULD figure out how to handle the fallout of uprooting our lives and transplanting to a new place. We would probably be unhappy for some time, then we would figure it out.

So I won't say 'no' to the whole idea, but I'm frustrated because I feel like this has been coming for a couple of years - my husband is not someone who knows how to be content. He is always looking over the fence for the next opportunity. He always thinks the grass is greener elsewhere. I've known this about him for a long time. He gets bored easily. We talked about this when we decided to move here - I didn't want to at the time, but he sold me on it saying that this was a place with enough to do for him professionally that we could be here until our kids were out of school. We have 11 more years until that time, but he's always itching to go somewhere else and try something new. The acute situation at his work is kind of like that match that lit the fuel pile that's been gathering for awhile. I don't particularly want to spend my life establishing a home/life where he lands, then uprooting it when he gets bored and starting again elsewhere. I already gave up my opportunity to have a vibrant career; I work part-time for an agency doing work I don't much care for that isn't engaging, but it allows me the freedom to work from home mostly and schedule my own hours so that I can be around when the kids are out of school and I can manage all the appointments and things that pop up. I get paid around 70% or so of what I should, which is something I accept in exchange for the freedom to work the way I do. If I leave this job, I don't know if I'll ever find this kind of flexibility again, and I won't have the salary history to negotiate for what I'm worth. I also haven't branched out of my field enough to be competitive in many areas, so unless what I do now is available wherever we land, I'm likely looking at a significant reduction in pay for more hours and less flexibility. When I've brought these points up to him, he responds that he's stressed at work without effective leadership (this is temporary - they're in the hiring process right now), and he's not confident in his abilities in his position - he was hired with the understanding that he would be sufficiently trained up, but they didn't allocate the resources to accomplish that, so he's picked up what he could along the way but still doesn't have enough time in practice to feel confident. There's no reason to believe that the training/practice time for him will increase, so he doesn't feel like he's got anywhere to go from here.

I understand where he's coming from, but all I take to heart is that he doesn't want to keep doing what he's doing right now, so he'd like for me to say it's OK to move our whole family several states away to try something new and shiny. Every job change he's gone through has followed this pattern: it seems exciting to try, he gets the position, he likes the environment, some other personnel change happens and he then can't stand someone he's working with (i.e., the person(s) that made it fun for him to go to work every day move/retire/etc.), he thinks another job would be better, and repeat. He even mentioned that one of the places he is looking at has the benefit of a guy he likes working with in that office for about another 6 years before he retires. So while he says all the things about better working conditions, a position that affords him the opportunity to do more/better for his agency, professional fulfillment, etc. - the net effect I hear is that his friends at work left and now he wants to move somewhere that he can work with another friend. I don't think he sees it that way at all, but that's been true for the last 3 positions he's held.

Sorry I sort of went off for awhile on this one - there are clearly several issues at play that are contributing to my sense of not being connected to and prioritized by my husband. I really just feel defeated right now, though, and that as soon as one of these other positions flies (somewhere in the next 4-6 months), we'll start the process of moving again. I feel resigned, because even when we talk about things like this, I just end up feeling steam-rolled by him. And I don't feel like I can withstand going through the turmoil of arguing with him about anything, much less a decision this large. If I have to sob my way through a 4-hour session with him on why I'm mad about a couple of incidents in our day-to-day lives, I can't imagine how dramatically painful he'll make something like this.

[*Laurie*]

I've been married for 35 years, so have a lot of experience with marriage. I strongly encourage you and your husband to go for counseling. If he wants to think that the counseling is 'for you'- let him think that. Whatever works. Once he's in session, he'll participate and the counseling will be to benefit both of you, and your marriage and family.

[NoIdeaWhatToDo]

Spoke to my husband this morning. He has decided not to pursue the primary job he was looking at out of state. He does not want to disrupt our family with such a move, which makes me feel a lot better/decreases my anxiety. He did go into details about why it's no longer attractive, the primary being that he would not be able to do a particular job function that he really enjoys; he said there were a few other things that would be different than he envisioned as well. That made me feel like he found out the grass isn't so green where he was looking, and now he wants to couch it in terms of the happiness of the rest of the family. I hate feeling so cynical about his motives/intentions, but if our familial happiness was the driver of the decision, it wouldn't have been dependent on the particulars of the job itself. Regardless, for now it looks like we are staying.

Thank you for your input *Laurie* - I really do want to work on our relationship, the way we communicate, and how we each make sure the other feels like a priority (I know I have work to do in this area as well). My only challenge with him going 'to work on me' is that the last time we did a couple of sessions together, he refused to participate in any real, effective way - and he was totally unaware of it at the time. He thought he was being open, while in reality he sat with his arms crossed (totally unnatural for him), barely spoke (also unnatural for him), and when he did speak it was completely in these weird sayings he uses in conversation routinely that are words without any real meaning (phrases in answer to real questions like 'how are you' - he will say "Fair to moderate" every time, no expansion on that, no further discussion, and it's a canned, automatic response with no thought behind it; it totally shuts down conversation of any real content) - or he would make jokes to try to move on. I think he was uncomfortable with the whole thing - he's never done any counseling before - and maybe feeling insecure about being there and trying to be vulnerable. I don't know. Regardless of the 'why', it was not productive. Maybe we can try again and see if it's any better now that he has an idea of what it's like. I'm also a little apprehensive, because I feel so emotionally drained right now I don't know if I have it in me to do another round of therapy. I guess it would decrease the emotional drain over time...?