[bpforever1]

I am doing ok. I am taking my med daily. I ate Indian curry today. I am in contact with my new man and he is coming over during Christmas week. I am so excited!! We might have our encounter at a love hotel or hot spring. So, this is something for me to look forward to doing. He gave me his flight info already. I am very happy. I hope the burger diet does not make me a blimp though. I was eating a burger a day. So, may be I will dance again tonight.

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by kitties

TRIGGER...brief mention sui, nothing graphic


My stepdad finally lost his battle with pancreatic cancer three days ago. He was suffering...I’m glad he’s no longer in that state. Me, I’m gutted. We were so close. Except for my daughter-my entire family is dead. He was 64. He was the BEST parent I had.

My bio parents died early deaths long ago.

Thanksgiving is sooo hard. My dad committed suicide on Thanksgiving Eve. My brother and I found him...we’d made the four hour drive to spend the holiday with him. WHY?! I loved him but we had geographic mileage between us and we didn’t have much contact. He loved me.

My mom...died 64 years diabetes 1 complications. I’m trying to get a trauma therapist. I have C-PTSD and my mom ... big part. Leave it at that.

This is theglamslam/RainyDay. I couldn’t access my account so I’m kitties now.

Two days ago, I was diagnosed with pica. I’ve been eating ten lbs of ice every day for several months. It’s not a want. It’s a need. I hate water.

Chances are I’m anemic. I am so tired. Getting blood work done.

Saw pdoc yesterday and he raised my Wellbutrin to 450 mg.

I feel like a worthless human being, a train wreck. A big FAT waste of space. I’m safe. I’m used to the ideation ps. There is no plan. It destroys families. My daughter...never make her experience that.

Bf and I have been arguing.

I got zero sleep last night.

One of my cats died two weeks ago. (Brief levity...turn it into a dog and we’ve got a country western song, lol).

I’m so depressed I can not read. I’m executor of the will, I’m handling closing the estate withstanding the trust. I’m overwhelmed.

This big house, it’s mine now. That’s pretty cool, I’d never be able to afford on SSDI. But so many bad things happened here. And my stepdad never handled my mom’s things.

I’m starting a med for PTSD nightmares.

Guys and ladies, what do I do? Haven’t showered in four days. I guess that’s in order.

Books are my escape. Healthy escape. Reading tons until the past month.

Thanks for listening.

(((((( kitties )))))))

You've been on my mind a lot. I am so sorry for the deep pain you are suffering. May you feel love surround you.


WC

[hopeless2015]

Hugs kitties!!

It's been a good week. I'm getting so much done, it's amazing what I can get done without the brainfog I was experiencing before this last med change.

[WildcatVet]

My life sucks. There I've said it...and I'm too tired to deal with it anymore. Everything that can go wrong...does...and I just can't seem to fix it. Every day brings a new crisis and how can I fix things that are out of my control??? F**k it! I just don't care anymore.
Tell me tomorrow will be better....

[Sunflower123]

Originally Posted by WildcatVet

My life sucks. There I've said it...and I'm too tired to deal with it anymore. Everything that can go wrong...does...and I just can't seem to fix it. Every day brings a new crisis and how can I fix things that are out of my control??? F**k it! I just don't care anymore.
Tell me tomorrow will be better....

I hope tomorrow is better for you.

[Unrigged64072835]

Along with the backache I now have a headache. Daughter's boyfriend is sick with a nasty sinus infection so we're all under the weather now. Hopefully this goes away soon, or at least not lose my voice for Sunday when I do the readings for church.

Depression is also kicking my butt, though being sick and in pain isn't helping either. My pnurse restarted me on Viibryd to see if it would help. It's the lowest dose so we'll see what happens.

Looking forward to the holidays, though we still have to clear the basement for the tree, buy a new wreath for the door, and wrap the presents.

Hugs to those that need them.

[Naynay99]

Hey. I think I am doing okay? Idk anymore.
Very tired. Had a bad neck headache today. Ugh.
Very hPpy it's Friday. I just want to sit in the warm and nap now that the work week is over.

My T wants to see me less, partly bc I am doing ok and part bc of cutting down her hours due to some personal stuff. I think I'm okay. But then I think of last spring when I was ready to check out of here and I get worried. Idk. She said i can always call if things change w me. I'm sure it will be fine.

I just sometimes vascillate between feeling like nothing is wrong with me at all or else that I am so much more fuucked up than anyone thinks I am. Idk which if either of these is the truth. Maybe both depending on the day? I visited my family last week- had a nice time but seeing my brother with his house and boat and wife and 2 perfect kids makes me feel inadequate. It's sad that I have none of these things. i don't always want them but sometimes I feel regret that my life didn't turn out how I had imagined. If I was married with kids my parents would probably have moved closer to me than to my brother. I don't blame them for wanting to be near their grandkids but seeing this neat little life my brother has makes me feel frustrated that things have always come so easy to him and I have had to fight to just stay afloat.

My sister was talking about her bf sister and how she suffers from depression and doesn't help around the house. She was empathetic to her struggle on one hand but totally judging her on the other. Even my mom asked if she was getting help for it, as if taking some pill would fix her right up. People have no fuucking clue that ADs don't just magically cure depression- they are like Tylenol for a headache. They dull the pain so it's tolerable but it's still there. I didn't realize how much they don't get it. It's frustrating.

Anyway hugs to all who are struggling. MY tomorrow be better than today. Hang in there.

[liveforsummer]

It’s weird. I feel nothing. Absolutely no emotion at all. A tiny part of me feels I should be happy and a tiny part of me feels like I should be sad but I’m just left feeling nothing.

[WildcatVet]

Originally Posted by liveforsummer

It’s weird. I feel nothing. Absolutely no emotion at all. A tiny part of me feels I should be happy and a tiny part of me feels like I should be sad but I’m just left feeling nothing.

I don't think I CAN feel anything anymore...I'm sorry you feel that way...

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by liveforsummer

It’s weird. I feel nothing. Absolutely no emotion at all. A tiny part of me feels I should be happy and a tiny part of me feels like I should be sad but I’m just left feeling nothing.

did you increase medication recently?
Sounds like a medication reaction.
I hope you feel better soon!


WC

[Guiness187055]

I really don't feel emotions either

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by Fharraige

Along with the backache I now have a headache. Daughter's boyfriend is sick with a nasty sinus infection so we're all under the weather now. Hopefully this goes away soon, or at least not lose my voice for Sunday when I do the readings for church.

Depression is also kicking my butt, though being sick and in pain isn't helping either. My pnurse restarted me on Viibryd to see if it would help. It's the lowest dose so we'll see what happens.

Looking forward to the holidays, though we still have to clear the basement for the tree, buy a new wreath for the door, and wrap the presents.

Hugs to those that need them.

It's good to hear from you!

WC

[tecomsin]

Originally Posted by Naynay99

Hey. I think I am doing okay? Idk anymore.

I just sometimes vascillate between feeling like nothing is wrong with me at all or else that I am so much more fuucked up than anyone thinks I am. Idk which if either of these is the truth.... People have no fuucking clue that ADs don't just magically cure depression- they are like Tylenol for a headache. They dull the pain so it's tolerable but it's still there. I didn't realize how much they don't get it.

I feel the same way. It depends mostly on the time of day. Each morning I feel depressed and anxious, like I'm stuck in a giant black hole that I'll never escape from. Then the afternoon/evening comes and I start to feel almost ok. I go between blaming myself and blaming the rest of the world too. Whereas I know the truth isn't black and white.

Antidepressants never worked for me, they just made me anxious and then manic. I stopped taking them years ago.

Originally Posted by WildcatVet

I don't think I CAN feel anything anymore...I'm sorry you feel that way...

I feel anxious and depressed most of the time, but mostly numbness. I think this is really what my depression is about - a lack of range of human emotions.

[bizi]

Got my hair high lighted today and colored. It looks nice.
Jeff went to red box to go pick up a movie: Wonder woman.
He was able to get the receiver to work so we can listen to the movie thru our speakers instead of just the tv...that will sound much better.
I am going to a work shop on lower back pain and sciatica. Will have gumbo for lunch then see 3 clients in the afternoon. no plans for tomorrow night.
we were going to an opera show but it got canceled due to an illness. So this is why we decided to rent a movie.
Sunday we are going to the symphony for a gershwin show.
Our friend is playing trumpet for them and his soon to be ex wife plays cello.
I invited her for dinner soon, I bought a chicken pot pie. Since my husband and her soon to be ex are best friends...not too sure she wants to come over here....probably not.
bizi

[liveforsummer]

Originally Posted by Wild Coyote

did you increase medication recently?
Sounds like a medication reaction.
I hope you feel better soon!


WC

Yes I went up to 100mg lamotrigine a day from 50mg a day starting yesterday. Could it really have an effect like that so quickly? Maybe I’ll even out? I’m also very annoyed at having to take medication to sleep so going to try taking nothing tonight just to see if I can actually sleep ummedicated. Hence I’m still up. oh well I’m sure I’ll be fine. Tomorrow’s another day.

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by liveforsummer

Yes I went up to 100mg lamotrigine a day from 50mg a day starting yesterday. Could it really have an effect like that so quickly? Maybe I’ll even out? I’m also very annoyed at having to take medication to sleep so going to try taking nothing tonight just to see if I can actually sleep ummedicated. Hence I’m still up. oh well I’m sure I’ll be fine. Tomorrow’s another day.

There's an emotional "flatness" which can be a med side-effect. It may be temporary or not, only time will tell. When my pdoc and I are trying and adjusting meds and I feel no emotion, he can observe this and calls this "emotionally flat."

If 50mg to 100mg feels like too much at once, could you try 75mg? (I forget how those tabs are scored.)

Feeling flat can be very uncomfortable. I hope you feel more at ease soon.


WC

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by bizi

Got my hair high lighted today and colored. It looks nice.
Jeff went to red box to go pick up a movie: Wonder woman.
He was able to get the receiver to work so we can listen to the movie thru our speakers instead of just the tv...that will sound much better.
I am going to a work shop on lower back pain and sciatica. Will have gumbo for lunch then see 3 clients in the afternoon. no plans for tomorrow night.
we were going to an opera show but it got canceled due to an illness. So this is why we decided to rent a movie.
Sunday we are going to the symphony for a gershwin show.
Our friend is playing trumpet for them and his soon to be ex wife plays cello.
I invited her for dinner soon, I bought a chicken pot pie. Since my husband and her soon to be ex are best friends...not too sure she wants to come over here....probably not.
bizi

What fun! All of it! I'll bet your hair looks great!


WC

[Wild Coyote]

I am exhausted but cannot sleep.

We have almost constant company while my mother is homebound and recovering. While it's good to see people and to know they care, this is overwhelming. I am expected to serve everyone and I am still recovering from that severe upper GI bug and dealing with an overall exacerbation of all conditions, including the chronic pain.

She'll never set any limits with company. That's a problem when I am expected to get all of the meals and be the hostess. This is not a recovery spa for the masses. I don't mean to sound like a b**ch; it's been a week of constant stress and company (in groups) ring the doorbell from 9 am-7 pm. like this is a public hospital with meal service. I have to ask company to wait so she can even get her home PT sessions in.

It's tiring. It's time to set some additional limits.


WC

[bpforever1]

I am doing well. I got much work done today. I did preparation for my classes and ate another burger with onion rings. Then, I listened to music and danced. I also wrote to my new man who is online and coming to see me in December. He is doing well too. My father is coming next Friday from America. This should be ok. I look forward to his coming here. I need to clean up the apartment though. At least I threw out the trash. But, I need to vacuum and do the laundry soon. I will may be do it tomorrow. I am happy and relaxed. I am glad I did my prep for the students. One item is to translate material and proofread it. It took me some time. I am glad I got it done. Life is not bad. The weather here is gloomy. It is raining and cold. But, I feel fine.

[Moose72]

Originally Posted by Moreta

My disability hearing is today. oh man I'm anxious. I hope it goes well.

How did it go? I had my disability recert yesterday. I went in to the local social security office and talked to someone. Quite easy actually. She told me I was reapproved on the spot. (The first time was not like this and I had to wait.)

[Sunflower123]

Originally Posted by Wild Coyote

I am exhausted but cannot sleep.

We have almost constant company while my mother is homebound and recovering. While it's good to see people and to know they care, this is overwhelming. I am expected to serve everyone and I am still recovering from that severe upper GI bug and dealing with an overall exacerbation of all conditions, including the chronic pain.

She'll never set any limits with company. That's a problem when I am expected to get all of the meals and be the hostess. This is not a recovery spa for the masses. I don't mean to sound like a b**ch; it's been a week of constant stress and company (in groups) ring the doorbell from 9 am-7 pm. like this is a public hospital with meal service. I have to ask company to wait so she can even get her home PT sessions in.

It's tiring. It's time to set some additional limits.


WC

I’m sorry WC. You don’t sound like a b**ch. You sound like someone who is getting absolutely wiped out and who needs to protect her own health. Good luck with setting additional limits. I hope you got some sleep finally.

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967

I’m sorry WC. You don’t sound like a b**ch. You sound like someone who is getting absolutely wiped out and who needs to protect her own health. Good luck with setting additional limits. I hope you got some sleep finally.

Thanks, Jennifer!

[liveforsummer]

Oh wow WC that sure is a lot to deal with and very stress inducing. I really hope the visiting slows down and you’re able to set some boundaries for all this!
Thinking of you

[liveforsummer]

It’s after 10 and I think I should bounce out of bed and go for a run and get stuff done. But I don’t feel like it. Terrible nightmares last night. Just awful and very frightening. Caved and took an imovane at 3 A.M. cause I was scared to go back to sleep and have the nightmare continue. (Had already dragged 12-3 with my heart pounding)
Wet, cold and miserable here. I miss summer and my long walks in the warmth and sun.

Happy Saturday everyone

[Moreta]

My lawyer said my disability hearing went well. The vocational person wasn't there so the judge has to get with them and go over things. I'm glad they weren't there. I probably would've cried. Yesterday sucked. Back pain all day. Today I feel better, just tired asf, trying to wake up. Don't have to do anything today. Found out yesterday that we're going to SC for thanksgiving. Also my husband has an interview for a job tomorrow out in colorado. Not sure how I feel about that.