I get friggin mean sometimes

Whenever I’m not feeling right and my moods are off, I blow up on the nearest person and I feel like an ***. It’s like I don’t even think first. My bf just got home from work and I went out in the kitchen and just started *****ing about anything and everything. Poor guy. When I’m like this I try and stick with “if you can’t say anything nice...” but my mouth works faster than my brain. It’s crap like this that makes me think I’m safer being alone.

My wife does the same thing from time to time for no reason.

welcome to my world ... being by myself and a lot of anger turned inward spares those around me ... but have almost destroyed me ... hope you do better ... peace to you my friend .. love .. Tigger

I've been dealing with being mean and angry for over a month now. It was triggered by external stuff. I just try and stay away from people right now. It's hard because my husband is always around. I treat him like crap sometimes. He hasn't exactly been nice lately either. We have been getting into little spats. Oh well.

Hiding out in my room as soon as my family are in the house as I am irritationally angry they even exist.

Chewed my husband out for having the nerve to approach the basement when I was doing laundry. He got equal treatment for trying to feed me today. He sent my youngest child in to my cave with a bag of chocolate. I feel like an enraged grizzly they'll have to feed with a long pole at this rate.

Not exactly a great parenting/partner moment I must say.

I internalize my anger. Its all on ME

I enjoy - I get actual pleasure from - verbally abusing others. Similar, maybe, to your blow-ups, but I remain calm throughout. And the trigger for my attacks are stupidity and vengeance. My *****ing is usually very specific - not the ‘anything and everything’ that you describe.

But I am mean. That’s the word that drew me to this thread. I am mean and I am vicious and I will not retreat unless I feel that I have destroyed any self-worth that my victims may have.

Is your boyfriend the usual victim of your wrath? I only ask because of your “safer being alone” closing.

And usually there’s a reason behind feeling the need to... explode. Can you think of any reasons why you might be quick to anger just now?

Oh, jeez. That was such a GIANT part of my decade-long depression. I didn’t get better - well, cured - until I was able to externally vent the anger that I felt. I had that “it’s all on me” feeling and I was angry with myself, myself, only with myself. I only slowly realized that others were not just complacent in killing those that I loved but were active participants with an agenda.

So, I became angry and it was a cleansing fire.

Sometimes - and let me address the OP, too - anger can be a very good thing. Cathartic, you know? There’s that ancient platitude - ‘depression is anger turned inside out’ - but I think, now, that there is something true in that (embarrassing banal) phrase. And I think that one can find healthy outlets for anger that don’t include trying to suck the souls from your adversaries.

I am still mean, sometimes. And I carry an anger against those who would hurt me or my friends. Blatant stupidity can still set my gentile destruction off.

I think, though, that I am psychologically better for being able to express my anger calmly (even if, sometimes, cruelly) rather than internalizing it.

Interesting topic. Cruel to be kind.

This is very sad for those around you.

Do you feel you are a sadist?

my T is trying to find a way, "to get the lid off", without me killing myself or anyone else ... so far no real success .. but we are trying ...

I learned ( or feared) if I lashed out ... someone might die ... and I was not ready for that ... so the kettle boils with no vent hole ... some day ...

that is the most important thing I get from my meds ... the numbing effect ... to keep the inner tumult inside ...

that anger is where I go , when not too (blah) by depression to care .. though I hate it ... my being depressed is the best thing for those around me ... what a ****ed up little boy am I ... Tigger.

I get irritable, nasty, mean, hostile whenever I'm hypo which seems like it's every other week...

Yes. It is something that I try to control but I am not always successful.

I am only a recognisable sexual sadist on occasion... my specialty is emotional and verbal abuse and I do get sexual satisfaction during the period of destruction and with the final destruction.

So ‘mean’ attracted me. ‘Cruel’ best describes my aberrant behavior, though.

Yes. My relationships have, for the most part, been intense and short-lived.

I was able to torture my ex-wife for almost six years by a variety of cruel behaviors. Just when I thought I had won, she won. Taught me a lesson.

Life is not about winning. I feel for your exwife. She put up with it for that long? I would have divorced in the first sign of belittlement. Six years is way too long to put up with anything, yet along psychological torture.

Yes, you’re right; she put up with the torture for far too long. She - she did something that she later felt ashamed of doing and I used that shame, you see. Shame is a gift to the torturer. If one feels shame they can be eternally reluctant to admit the behavior that caused the shame to family and friends.

I think, too, that she loved me and that she didn’t want to admit that she had made a mistake in marrying me.

She still hates me, twenty years later. We don’t communicate but she maintains a popular blog and with every other post, it seems, she writes of her ‘psychopathic’ or ‘sociopathic’ ex-husband.

I am neither. I am something else.

One thing that confuses me, now, is that she contrives tales of examples of my cruelty that are not true. I would think that she would have plenty of true tales to tell but those true tales would expose her shameful behavior and, so, she avoids the truth, I suppose, for whole-cloth-tales.

She is now a neoliberal suburban wife and mother whose idea of activism is writing a monthly check to the DNC. An Anne Taylor professional. Not what I expected, but maybe I pushed her into that lifestyle. I don’t know. I will never know.

As for myself, I have made peace with myself. When I write that she ‘won,’ I’m not writing metaphorically. She won our son. I won the grief of losing my son. I only began to bury him a couple of years back.

So, I was punished for both my diabolical behavior and aberrant lifestyle. I punished myself for - hmm - 16-17-years? - after punishing her for 6.

Curtailing my behavior is still a struggle. Since I’ve been smoking cannabis on a regular basis, though, I am calmer and less likely to attack.

To the OP: have you considered that you might be trying to punish your boyfriend?

Tough for everyone involved

I wonder what happened to you that caused this personality?
Of course, this is a personal and a very private question . No need to response.
I am thinking out loud.
I just cannot help but feel the potential pain that may have caused you to be like this.
Glad that you shared the info about the shame. I will keep that in mind although there is nothing that I am shamed of. But good to know about the mind of a torturer

Yes. It is interesting.

OP- I have been mouthy too. I work on my self-control. I fail a lot of the time, but I try.

Experts show scientific proof that people fill in the gaps in memory and those fillings don’t always reflect the reality. The founding pillars of the incident tend to reflect the true story but when time passes, we fill in between those pillars with stories. And we do it, of course, unconsciously. This happens particularly in a more intense level when one is traumatized. May be this happened to your exwife

Yes. I know a bit about memory/memories and my experiences have been that, say, twenty-years or twenty-minutes after an occurrence each participant or observer explains the occurrence differently.

This is not what she does. She does not write well or with any passion but she concocts whole-cloth tales, placing us in an L.A. strip-club with me comparing her body to the body of the L.A. dancers. We have never been to L.A. together and I have never made a comparison between her body and other dancers.

She writes short morality plays, really, and wants an illustrative tale for each. It’s kind of sick, ya know?

May I ask? Why do you read her posts?
On another note, I am really sorry that you lost contact with your son. Although if you were that cruel to your wife... who knows? Your son would have suffered more. It is sad for everyone involved, regardless how you look at it.