I’m very unwell again. I can’t even talk about all that is happening. I want to so badly but I’m so scared. I think I “become” whatever I’m around. I think it might be BPD but doctors said no. I don’t WANT to have it, but fear I do. I absorb others personality I think. Their sickness, stress and other things. Sometimes it positive stuff and sometimes negative. I feel the weight of the worlds pain upon my shoulders. My son has a serious illness and when I would talk to my friend about his medical treatment she would always say “munchaisen by proxy” .....I truly do not believe I caused my sons illness in anyway or used it for attention but perhaps I did without realizing it. I just don’t know anymore. My ex husband has bipolar, most likely my son, mother in law and brother in law. Did I absorb it? Do I have it by proxy? Am I delusional or seeing clearly. I don’t know what to do. I’m so afraid. I’m afraid of this board but I don’t know where to turn so I’m begging for help. Please help me. Please.

[*Laurie*]

Hi EM, I'm glad you came onto PC to reach out for help.

There is no way you could "absorb" bipolar. I can understand the pull to think that you could, but that thinking is based in unreality.

Did something happen that triggered this episode of fear?

I want help but I do not feel it’s even possible. I want to be well.....I’ve got such crazy thoughts. I think people are remotely causing me pain and suffering.....physical and mental torture. It seems unbelievable but I’ve watched things which lead me to believe it is. I hurt so bad....physical, mental, emotional, spiritual. I’ve said terrible things. I’m accusing people of things again and I don’t want to do that. Likely these people have nothing to do with any of this. I’m afraid of what I will do to myself.....one stupid minute of irrational thinking and a bottle of pills will be gone and then people will suffer or hospital staff will be put out. I don’t know. I don’t think I’m going to do it but the impulse gets so terrible. I’m drowning.

Lots of stuff happened I think but I don’t even know. I don’t know what caused it I just know it seems to come from outside. With BP it’s inside. This feels outside. I want to write all the things that are happening but I can’t. How can I even get help if I can’t ask for help? I stopped smoking cannabis.....could that be causing this? Does anyone know?

Being around people who have bipolar could cause the symptoms right? If I have BPD I would think it could. Someone is angry so we become angry, someone is SUPER excited so we become super excited. No?

I think I copy people.....don’t intentiinally. I don’t do it knowing I’m doing it but I see it now. I see how I just seem to become whatever I’m surrounded by. I’m very easily influenced. It’s terrible and I don’t know how to stop it. I feel other people’s pain.......I seem to just become whatever I’m around......whoever I’m around. Does this happen to anybody else. Does this sound like BPD?

I’ve been watching things I probably shouldn’t. My husband doesn’t want me on this board or watching the stuff I’ve been watching but I can’t help it. I can’t help it. I need help so badly I think I go towards abusers to get it because I don’t know where to turn.

Therapists ask “what do you think” rather than telling me what is. Is what I think the reality or am I outside reality?

I’m trying to think back to what the trigger was but I can’t identify it. There is sooooo much. So very, very much. My husband says it’s delusions and I wish it were but don’t think so.

[Pookyl]

I'm in the same boat as you. I don't know how to help you or myself. I'm sorry.
As for your friend s/he sounds lovely (not). Ask them what qualifications they have to make a diagnosis on your son. Then cut all coomunication until you're well.

[Northchild]

It sounds like whatever you're going through is something that thinking is never going to make better. Even if you had the answers to all of your questions arrayed in front of you with the colors of beautiful gems - diamond, ruby, sapphire, it wouldn't help you because you don't sound well enough to put the answers together with the questions, even if the questions were all that helpful to begin with.

My doctor once told me that I was a fairly bright guy, but that the problems that I was having weren't something that I could think my way out of. He was right.

You sound like you need medical assistance as soon as possible, if not tonight. I would try to ignore questions, thoughts, and emotions as much as I could and focus on finding the best, most professional medical person, people, or institutions that you can trust to improve your health and well being. I know that this is not always easy and I'm sorry that this is painful and frightening for you.

[liveforsummer]

ElsaMars
Thinking of you and hope you get the help you need soon. Please stay safe.

***Triggers below****

I want to ask for help so bad. Around 9 or 10 I was suicidal and when I told my dad he strangled me with a jump rope and said "let me help you" a few decades ago I attempted and then called poison control to get advise on how to purge it and they laughed at me......a few years later I called my insurance, told them I was suicidal and they laughed and said the soonest they could see me was a month........I told my doctor I was impulsive and having these thoughts and he threatened to send me into the same toxic environment they put me in last time which wasn't helpful. I want help but I must find it myself. I need someone to talk to, someone who understands and can really help me figure all this out. I just don't believe it's available......it's all on me to help myself but I don't know where to turn. I'm so lost.

Is there any PRN the ER could provide to calm me down without being hospitalized? Maybe I should drink some niquil and try to sleep perhaps. I want to get alcohol but likely that will make things much worse in my current state. I need a path but I'm lost in the woods.

[bizi]

I am sorry that others have hurt you in the past.
This is terrible.
Maybe you would not have the same experience at the hospital that YOu had before.
You do sound like you need medical intervention.
I am so sorry!!!
(((((HUGS)))))
bizi

[Purple,Violet,Blue]

I agree, dear Elsa. You've been feeling bad for some time now. Put yourself in the hands of the doctors. It's certainly worth a try
Much love to you.

I'm tempted to tell them I'm an alcoholic as I feel a rehab could be more beneficial to me than a traditional hospital. I need at least 30 days I think.....I need someone to help me live again. As of yesterday I decided I AM a drug addict and alcoholic........I think I have been denying the obvious. I need to avoid cannabis but it's hard......I've been good at avoiding alcohol but feel I could slip anytime and that would be disastrous right now. I'm going to try to hold off until Monday and then start making calls. I've been abused in the ER so I just can't. I wish it could be different but it can't.

Thank you to everyone......you have been helpful just by being here. I don't think I'm attention seeking but perhaps I am.......but I think (more like KNOW) that I need attention for good reason. I'm so scared.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

Originally Posted by ElsaMars

I think (more like KNOW) that I need attention for good reason. .

This is the truth and you need to work really hard at believing it and not believing the bad, untrue stuff. You are a good person who is currently unwell. You deserve help and to feel better.

[bizi]

You are a good woman elsa!!!!
And are being very hard on yourself.
much love to you.
(((((HUGS)))))
bizi
keep posting, we are listening.

[TuscanSicilian]

EM: have you ever been evaluated by a mental health provider: NP, PA, psychiatrist? Was the doc you mentioned a specialist in psychiatry? Have you ever been on meds? Have you ever done any counseling, group or 1-on-1? Are you using alcohol/substances?

[tecomsin]

Anxiety and rumination peaked for me when I stopped cannabis... it was like my mind was constantly running around in circles of misery. but now it is slowly getting better... week by week. I agree with Northchild. He makes a good point.

[TuscanSicilian]

Have you sought mental health services to I.D. A diagnosis(es)? Are you seeing a mental health medical provider for meds and/or counseling? Are you a alcohol/substance user?

[bioChE]

Stopping smoking cannabis can be a mindfuuck. It’s landed me in the hospital more than once. It wasn’t the smoking by itself that made me psychotic, it was the stopping.

Maybe this is cannabis withdrawal? I can hope. How long did it take you guys to get better once stopping? It’s only been a few days for me.....I’m so tempted to get more but if cannabis is contributing I MUST stop. My husband doesn’t think the cannabis has anything to do with it and thinks it helpful.......it has been helpful but I think it might be triggering g whatever is happening. I dont know if I have phychosis or not, I just know I’m miserable and so, so sick!!! My life has went downhill since I started using it. I think it’s a case of trading short term relief for long term consequences. I need to stop and see......if in a few months I’ve not improved I will reconsider this position.

Thank you to everyone whose been here to help me through this today.....if I can’t sleep tonight I will go to the ER because not sleeping will be a disaster waiting to happen......I MUST sleep.

[Wild Coyote]

Dearest Elsa, I'm just checking in tonight and am just seeing this thread.
You've gotten many responses, for which I am thankful as I care very much for your welfare.

I am saddened for you, for all you have gone through and yet more you are dealing with now. I am very hopeful you will get this exacerbation sorted out and will feel much better.

I am relieved to read you will consider the ER if needed tonight.
Please have a safety plan and keep yourself safe. You have a place in our hearts, Elsa. Always remember you are Loved and are worthy of help.

Please keep us posted as you are able to do so. We are here to support you.

May you find stability and Peace.

Heart-to-Heart,
WC