[xRavenx]

The way I'd describe my mood: both anxious and empty....also feeling that I'm "not good enough," if that makes sense. I was manic part of last month, then it became mixed, dysphoric mania, and I fell flat on my face into a deep depression with some paranoid thinking and high anxiety, which is what I am facing now. I am really trying to hold out for my pdoc visit at the end of the week. I wish it were sooner.

Also, I went back to work today after using a lot of "mental health days"/accrued time off. It was really hard. Plus, we have a blizzard on Thursday, and I will have to use up more time off. Although I really do need as much time off as possible, because I'm not feeling strong, I don't want to lose hours.

[bpforever1]

I ate a steak burrito with peach soda. Then, I drank coffee and did my module for the teaching certificate. I finished after four hours. I put my resume online for companies to see. And, I messaged my lover who has a severe cold and is doing badly. I feel pretty good. I hope to finish my courses in about a month. It is 240-hour of courses, but I'm doing 20 hours in about 2 to 4 hours. So, it should go fast. I find the material to be rather pedantic and not too practical so far. But, here, in Asia, they are into certificates and qualifications. I think for teaching it is important to have a good background but experience is more useful. It is good I'm teaching already so know what works and does not work. I am hoping to find some of the material useful. One of my students also wants me to teach her on Monday so this will take some time away from doing my courses. But, heck,I need to get paid or can't eat. I like teaching and hope to continue doing it for awhile. Life is not bad. Also, I've been taking my medication faithfully. I believe this has made a difference in my outlook and my mental stability. I have no depression, no psychosis, no mania, or anything else right now. Hmmm, I wonder how long this is going to last?

[99fairies]

My side effect meds came in yesterday! A whole months worth, so I don't have to worry about that for awhile. Still hypo, but could just be from the cold meds I've been taking.Waking up 4 hours before dawn is so not my favorite thing. I need more light! I'm ready for spring.

[liveforsummer]

I’m drowning in life

I’ve been reading posts and see so many struggling,

[BPQuestions]

My wife told me she wants a divorce last night and then kinda backed tracked at the same time after I told her of my diagnosis for the first time last night. She says Im using it as a scapegoat for all the horrible things Ive done. I told her it just defines why I did what I did. Not sure where things are going to end up at. But Im hoping that after she thinks about it she will want to talk more before making a decision. On a side note the meds must be working because Im not a the hole or up in the sky like I usually would be after hearing something like this. I hope she can see that I have been sick for a very long time and I finally realized I needed help.

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by liveforsummer

I’m drowning in life

I’ve been reading posts and see so many struggling,

(((((( liveforsummer ))))))

Thinking of you!


WC

[Wild Coyote]

I've been really struggling with everything that's been going on, along with chronic pain and illness; yet, I had a very fulfilling day today (stated at 4 a.m.), for which I am grateful.

Sometimes, I am pleasantly very surprised!

Sweet dreams to All!


WC

[xRavenx]

Someone who had been talking to me and sometimes seeing me just kind of stopped talking to me out of the blue. I didn't ask him why, I just kind of shut down to protect myself. It was one thing that was helping me at little through this time (to a point, that is). He didn't even wish me a Happy New Year. Maybe I'm being too sensitive, but I am just hurt and feel like I am not worthy.

I didn't even do anything that would scare the average person away....I hate wondering why? So I need to distract myself and not care so much, but it is hard. On top of it, I still feel I am anxious, depressed, and the paranoia is still in the background, although I suppress it during the daytime. Tomorrow, I am not going to work due to a bad snow storm. I plan to use that opportunity to rest.

[Moreta]

I'm awake tending to the fire tonight. I'm happy I get to see my best friend later and her new house. I haven't seen her since my bday when we went out drinking. I'm going to make a huge salad and a pork loin to take with me when we go over. I'm going to put the pork loin in a marinade soon. I hope there's enough parsley growing out on the porch. If not I'll just make the pork loin a diff way. All the pipes in the bathroom are frozen so we're going to stop at the gym and take showers on the way to her house. I really hate these cold temps.

[bpforever1]

I ate too much and too much sugar. I felt really tired for awhile. I could not finish the next module because, well, I took a look at it and did not feel motivated because it was long. I will tackle it tomorrow. Also, I should eat less. I ate another steak burrito, lemon soda, two chocolate chip cookies, chocolate, and a coffee latte with sugar. I don't feel bad but was feeling like blah- drained. I did not want to do anything after I ate. I also talked to my mother and this was emotionally a wipe-out. This is always the case where she talks and does not allow me to say much. I am feeling ok now. I hope to finish the next module tomorrow for sure. I'm not going anywhere tomorrow and will focus on finishing the next module. Tomorrow is another day. I am hoping to finish these courses by the end of this month hopefully. I can still do this if I wanted. I do want to get something out of these courses too though. I don't want to just do them and learn nothing. So, there is a fine line between finishing quickly and learning. I will be ok. At least, I took my medication and feel fine.

[Naynay99]

Snow day today!
And I didn't anticipate it so I didn't stay up late watching the news for school closings.
They called a delayed opening last night but this am I got a call around 6 am saying my school was closed!! Yeah! Snow days are still almost as great as when I was a kid. Only bad thing is I have to shovel later.

I got to watch I love Lucy this morning and snuggle with my cat. And I am making a veggie frittata for breakfast. Did the dishes as soon as I was done cooking which is not my normal mo. Maybe I will take down the Xmas tree today. Anyway I am so happy to get a surprise day off work... take care all.

[99fairies]

My daughter and I woke up at 6 am this morning, which is a lot better than 4. So now hopefully the day won't seem so long! Thinking of sticking a chicken in the crock pot this morning so I don't have to cook tonight. This hypo blip has made my house sparkling clean. Every room is cleaned and organized. This does not happen often around here. I found out yesterday that if I want to keep up with the laundry I have to do 5 loads a day. WTF!? I had no idea my family got clothes and towels so dirty so fast.. Sigh. It's nice now, but I know once I crash it's all gonna go to hell again.

apart from calling someone a ****ing dickhead (I did this morning, he was so ****ing rude) my day's been okay, mood stable, no suicidal thoughts and no self-harm.

I overate this afternoon, but I figured it was going to happen sooner or later with all these treats around me.

Originally Posted by 99fairies

My daughter and I woke up at 6 am this morning, which is a lot better than 4. So now hopefully the day won't seem so long! Thinking of sticking a chicken in the crock pot this morning so I don't have to cook tonight. This hypo blip has made my house sparkling clean. Every room is cleaned and organized. This does not happen often around here. I found out yesterday that if I want to keep up with the laundry I have to do 5 loads a day. WTF!? I had no idea my family got clothes and towels so dirty so fast.. Sigh. It's nice now, but I know once I crash it's all gonna go to hell again.

Hope you don't crash too hard.

You reminded me -- I need to clean my room, but I've been lazy as hell. I wish I had more motivation!

This blizzard hurricane thing is killing me. How the hell do you get a blizzard hurricane? wtf

Some courageous (or stupid) people are driving to work in this weather, and there are tons of car accidents. I can't say I'm entirely surprised by any of that, though.

Anyway, got tons of sleep. Finally feel REFRESHED after skimping out on sleep. Missing an hour here and there catches up to me.

I was hearing sounds in my right ear again. My therapist said about a week ago that the sounds coming in only one ear are likely hallucinations. Sh_t. I literally just increased my AP dosage, too. I've been on this new dose for 2 weeks. I don't know what I'm going to do with myself.

[xRavenx]

It's a snow storm here. Luckily, I slept in. Tomorrow, I will have to go to work. Company policy is that we have to use our vacation time when it snows badly, so I really wish it didn't snow. I'm still feeling a little sad about certain things, but just trying to stay warm.
The snow gives me a reason to stay inside, and that's exactly what I feel is best.

[Vaporeon]

I honestly feel like an outsider on this site, despite clearly having enough issues to warrant my being here. I feel like no one understands me and I'm coming across as arrogant or harsh when all I'm trying to do is help people to the best of my ability. I'm kind of put off by some of the popular threads on this forum in particular, such as the diet one and the "have you taken your meds today?" but that's my problem and I'm not making a big deal out of it, but whenever I say something to try to help someone, I'm attacked and not always by the original poster. I wish I never joined this site. This isn't the first discussion board I've had to either delete my account from or be banned from and I should learn my lesson already. I'm just sorry that I wasted everyone's time.

Originally Posted by Vaporeon

I honestly feel like an outsider on this site, despite clearly having enough issues to warrant my being here. I feel like no one understands me and I'm coming across as arrogant or harsh when all I'm trying to do is help people to the best of my ability. I'm kind of put off by some of the popular threads on this forum in particular, such as the diet one and the "have you taken your meds today?" but that's my problem and I'm not making a big deal out of it, but whenever I say something to try to help someone, I'm attacked and not always by the original poster. I wish I never joined this site. This isn't the first discussion board I've had to either delete my account from or be banned from and I should learn my lesson already. I'm just sorry that I wasted everyone's time.

You are not wasting anyones time. I love talking to you. You're a really neat person. Hugs.

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by Vaporeon

I honestly feel like an outsider on this site, despite clearly having enough issues to warrant my being here. I feel like no one understands me and I'm coming across as arrogant or harsh when all I'm trying to do is help people to the best of my ability. I'm kind of put off by some of the popular threads on this forum in particular, such as the diet one and the "have you taken your meds today?" but that's my problem and I'm not making a big deal out of it, but whenever I say something to try to help someone, I'm attacked and not always by the original poster. I wish I never joined this site. This isn't the first discussion board I've had to either delete my account from or be banned from and I should learn my lesson already. I'm just sorry that I wasted everyone's time.

I agree you are not wasting anyone's time.
I know nothing about your being "harsh" or "arrogant." This all comes as a surprise to me. I am very sorry you feel this way. I hope you stay; yet, only if it's helpful to your well-being.
I wish you Peace.

WC

[LadyShadow]

I am coming out of a real storm of an episode over New Year's. I was hurting myself and others for what seemed like the silliest of reasons. I got a wake up call and realized I needed to take responsibility for what I was doing. Sometimes you can't blame all of it on bipolar, sometimes it's just YOU not treating people with the respect that they give you and you have to own up to it.

[Sunflower123]

Originally Posted by Vaporeon

I honestly feel like an outsider on this site, despite clearly having enough issues to warrant my being here. I feel like no one understands me and I'm coming across as arrogant or harsh when all I'm trying to do is help people to the best of my ability. I'm kind of put off by some of the popular threads on this forum in particular, such as the diet one and the "have you taken your meds today?" but that's my problem and I'm not making a big deal out of it, but whenever I say something to try to help someone, I'm attacked and not always by the original poster. I wish I never joined this site. This isn't the first discussion board I've had to either delete my account from or be banned from and I should learn my lesson already. I'm just sorry that I wasted everyone's time.

This surprises me as well. I’ve read some of your responses. I don’t see harshness or arrogance. I hope you’ll decide to stay but like WC said - only if it’s helpful to you. Sending big hugs.

[bizi]

11-28-17 day 1 AF
11-29 AF
11-30 AF
I made it AF all of December!
1-1 AF my birthday!
1-2 Planned DD
1-3 AF
1-4 AF

I am very happy to be back in control of my drinking.
Thank GODDESS for the right medication!
bizi

[Sunflower123]

Originally Posted by bizi

11-28-17 day 1 AF
11-29 AF
11-30 AF
I made it AF all of December!
1-1 AF my birthday!
1-2 Planned DD
1-3 AF
1-4 AF

I am very happy to be back in control of my drinking.
Thank GODDESS for the right medication!
bizi

Yay!!! Congratulations!!!

[Naynay99]

Well didn't get much done today but feeling okay about that. I did cook breakfast and dinner and watched 2 movies on tv. Cuddled with my cats all afternoon.

And I successfully found someone to come shovel/snow blow my driveway and walkway. We got like 5-6 inches of snow. I find calling people, esp strangers, really hard. But I sucked it up and did it- went on Craigslist and actually ended up with a guy who showed up when he said he would and they did a decent job and didn't overcharge me or try to murder me.

So I call that a successful day that did not involve me being outside in 25 mph winds shoveling my driveway for 2 1/2 hrs... it seems like a lot of people r having a tough time - I hope we all have a better tomorrow. Hugs.

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by bizi

11-28-17 day 1 AF
11-29 AF
11-30 AF
I made it AF all of December!
1-1 AF my birthday!
1-2 Planned DD
1-3 AF
1-4 AF

I am very happy to be back in control of my drinking.
Thank GODDESS for the right medication!
bizi

Awesome!
*Doing a happy dance*

WC