[franz kafka]

I'm procrastinating. Hell, it's a Thursday. My day off. I don't really need to work.

[Unrigged64072835]

to those that want them.

Busy day today. Bought a bunch a stuff, including a replacement microwave. My husband bought new shoes, and I hope he remembers to swap them out as he tends to wear one pair for a year. Also got groceries, salt for the water softener, and replacement filters for various things. Did two loads of laundry as well. Still making dinner tonight. I thought today would be quiet, but no...at least the kids are eating out so I only have to feed two including myself.

Mood? I'm beat but okay.

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by Innerzone

I can't take it anymore. Total desperate mess.

(((((( Innerzone ))))))

Thinking of you.

WC

[bizi]

Originally Posted by Innerzone

I can't take it anymore. Total desperate mess.

I am sorry it is so hard right now.
keep fighting, you are worthy of this effort!
bizi

[leomama]

Definitely feeling irritated. Was supposed to go to a lecture in the city today but it was raining so I decided to stay in bed. I've been working really hard and there's been a lot of challenges at work lately so I needed a day of rest. I'm getting caught up on meal prep. I'm still on week 3 of my whole30 even though I finished it in January. I'm finding that its really better if I go grain, sugar, dairy and legume free but its a lot of work. Every time I compromise and eat something that is not compliant I pay the price but I have to be the one to call it quits. I'm finding that not even gluten free is enough if I eat sugar. I'm still not sure about oats or rice. Its kind of exciting figuring things out, but again, it is a lot of work.
I'm waiting to hear back from my p doc and I'm feeling kind of annoyed. I'm also waiting on my lab results, and that's irritating me too.
I'm just glad I'm working full time and my manager is working on developing me as an employee so I can advance in my career. I have to keep my eyes focused on the prize despite the obstacles on the way.

[Pookyl]

Just woken up (10:30am). Saw the community psych nurse yesterday who visited me at home. She thinks I’m manic. I’m already at full capacity for Seroquel so she’s encouraging me to take my prn Valium.
I’m seeing my pdoc on Monday. She will want to up my Seroquel I just know it. We’ll argue about it.
Have had my wallet etc confiscated again. Wish I could fake being well better.

[Hopeful Camel]

I am angry today. Just sort of mad at the world. I am mad at my mental illness, and mad at having to find the energy every day to drag myself in to work and pretend I've got it all together and am rockin' along in my happy little life. I guess I'm having a pity party. I just feel alone in my reality. It is hard work being mentally ill. If we had cancer people would bring us flowers and give us sympathy for our illness. Instead we have to hide our illness and live in fear of being found out. I am scotch-taped together these days. I cry in the bathroom, in my office at work behind closed doors, in my car driving home. It seems it takes superhuman strength just to be...

[leomama]

Originally Posted by Hopeful Camel

I am angry today. Just sort of mad at the world. I am mad at my mental illness, and mad at having to find the energy every day to drag myself in to work and pretend I've got it all together and am rockin' along in my happy little life. I guess I'm having a pity party. I just feel alone in my reality. It is hard work being mentally ill. If we had cancer people would bring us flowers and give us sympathy for our illness. Instead we have to hide our illness and live in fear of being found out. I am scotch-taped together these days. I cry in the bathroom, in my office at work behind closed doors, in my car driving home. It seems it takes superhuman strength just to be...

I hear you, and we have similar diagnosis, in my case its c-ptsd and bipolar 2.
I don't cry, I get frustrated. Yesterday I had a supervisor tell me on her last day that the reason she humiliated me and not my other supervisor is because she outranks me. I told my daughter that and she was like what an a-hole. A former employee of my company said my store was like the military. As I'm too old to join the military this is the closest I will get. I have my one on one with my manager in a few weeks and I'm going to mention this incident to her although the offending employee is now gone.
Its ironic that my other supervisor is allowed to have their moments, allowed to take breaks because they feel anxious, is allowed to walk of the floor because they can't deal, and I am not allowed to have any feelings whatsoever, except by the manager who wants me to tell people when they hurt my feelings. It is so utterly frustrating. I am very thankful that I now have another leo mama as a manager and again am trying to so utterly hard to stay focused on the positive, except for this stupid disorder makes it very hard to do so!

[xRavenx]

My supervisor had me drive all around the state today looking for something that's not even my responsibility. Driving isn't even part of my duties, but whatever. I'm exhausted and yesterday Seroquel made me feel very weird at night. I was kind of scared actually. I felt so drugged. Hopefully tonight will be better, but it's those kinds of nights that make me scared all over again. I'm glad things worked out today, but I have to drive all over the place tomorrow, and I get anxiety driving based on past experiences.

As far as going to the lab to do tests, I wasn't even able to get in. I know I need to take care of my health, but it's hard with all these demands on me. I'm still nervous since they confirmed it's not a UTI after all, but it's still an abnormal result, so it's a matter of ruling out a kidney problem. I might not be able to get in to the lab until Monday since Quest Lab closes early.

[leomama]

Originally Posted by xRavenx

My supervisor had me drive all around the state today looking for something that's not even my responsibility. Driving isn't even part of my duties, but whatever. I'm exhausted and yesterday Seroquel made me feel very weird at night. I was kind of scared actually. I felt so drugged. Hopefully tonight will be better, but it's those kinds of nights that make me scared all over again. I'm glad things worked out today, but I have to drive all over the place tomorrow, and I get anxiety driving based on past experiences.

As far as going to the lab to do tests, I wasn't even able to get in. I know I need to take care of my health, but it's hard with all these demands on me. I'm still nervous since they confirmed it's not a UTI after all, but it's still an abnormal result, so it's a matter of ruling out a kidney problem. I might not be able to get in to the lab until Monday since Quest Lab closes early.

One of the reasons I am going off lamictal is so that I can learn to drive without having to worry about side effects.

[xRavenx]

Originally Posted by leomama

One of the reasons I am going off lamictal is so that I can learn to drive without having to worry about side effects.

I'm on Lamictal too I think Seroquel and Gabapentin mess with my driving too. I hate all these side effects.

[Cocosurviving]

Today started off ok then I turned cranky. First at the lady in my daughter’s doc office about a mistake last week. Then it’s rent time but my water bill was not in the mail but is due with rent. I called and listed to their excuses then hung up lol. Next I went to my pharmacy and one rx was not ready. The lady did not do a good job explaining what was going on. I found out later what was going on. I hate when I’m cranky. My grandmother got on my nerves today too. She was nagging about little small things that made no sense. My mom had a birthday dinner for her. People gave her gifts. She deceived she did not want to keep the gifts. She wants to return everyone’s gifts. That is just too much damn work to me. I hope my mother never has her another f$&$$ ever!

[VerMOZZica]

I had a hard time falling to sleep last night so naturally I overslept. I am really disappointed in myself because I didn't get to do the things I wanted to get done. I feel so useless and worthless.

[leomama]

Originally Posted by xRavenx

I'm on Lamictal too I think Seroquel and Gabapentin mess with my driving too. I hate all these side effects.

I got off seroquel and gabapentin, I was using them intermittent for sleep, one at a time.

[hopeless2015]

Glad it's Friday, just have to make it through the afternoon at work. I've been working on a couple projects that are detailed and require full attention. I'm hoping I haven't ****ed anything up.

Hugs to everyone!!!

[Unrigged64072835]

Took the cats to the vet this morning. My daughter's cat gets an anti-anxiety med mixed in her food, but she didn't finish her food because my cat freaked out as well. I hope she doesn't claw or bite anybody. I also hope they're okay.

That would've been the end of errands but my husband decided he needed a foam pad for his cot downstairs. This turned into a bunch of impulse buys for the bed. I can't return anything now because I washed it all. Kind of grumpy about it now but nothing I can do. And he wants to do clothes shopping tomorrow at the mall along with my daughter. I wouldn't go but I need new walking shoes. Ugh.

I ended up taking a shower and puttering on the computer for now. My husband is making roast chicken so that will be good. I just want to rest.

Other than grumpiness, I'm okay.

[leomama]

I’m hungry but I just ate lunch

[bizi]

I am home early from work,
hubby and I are talking about places to eat.
Poke geaux, raw tuna bowl with seaweed salad and other asian toppings.
I tried and liked it so hubby is willing to try.
bizi

[leomama]

Last 10 at work

Thanks for the hugs and words of encouragement. Had a med appt. Wed. She wants me to start Vraylar, but turns out the pharmacy had to order it in, so it won't be in till Monday. I don't like to start a new med on work days, but it's a toss up with being in a bad state. What to do.

Had a T appt today. It was rough. We went into a long-standing trauma issue. Cried my freaking eyes out. It was REALLY hard to go there, but it is a part of the ruminations, so...

The "wellness routine" I've had going for months has gone by the wayside. Can't even fake expressiveness.

Well, that's today...

I'd been relatively well for quite awhile. Almost forgot how much this BP sucks. (Well, not "forgot" exactly, but you know what I mean.)

[xRavenx]

Got stuck in a snow storm, blamed at work for something that wasn't my fault, had a complete breakdown. Thank goodness a kind co-worker talked to me and comforted me. I was literally shaking and couldn't stop crying. It took a long time to come down. I'm wiped out. This is getting to be way too much. It's not just a bad day at work. Things have really been building up to a point where I seriously might go on leave again. I just can't handle this while trying to take care of myself emotionally and physically.

Originally Posted by xRavenx

Got stuck in a snow storm, blamed at work for something that wasn't my fault, had a complete breakdown. Thank goodness a kind co-worker talked to me and comforted me. I was literally shaking and couldn't stop crying. It took a long time to come down. I'm wiped out. This is getting to be way too much. It's not just a bad day at work. Things have really been building up to a point where I seriously might go on leave again. I just can't handle this while trying to take care of myself emotionally and physically.

So sorry to hear that you're having a crisis. Taking a leave of absence sounds like a good idea. I wish i'd taken the leaves that were offered me when i used to work. Maybe i wouldn't have burnt myself out so bad and become permanently disabled.

[Hopeful Camel]

Whew! I'm glad I survived the snit I was in yesterday. I'm a lot more grounded today. I am supposed to go to a Depression and Bipolar Support group tonight but I don't want to go. I'm being a snob and thinking that I don't need support from "those people." Yep, I'm one of those people. Maybe I just can't face myself. It is Friday, at least. I live for my weekends. I just have to face my wife when she wants to know why I didn't go to the support group. She wants to "fix" me. I think she is sick and tired of my depressions, my dark places.

[leomama]

I have one more day of work this week. I just got off work.

[xRavenx]

Originally Posted by apfei

So sorry to hear that you're having a crisis. Taking a leave of absence sounds like a good idea. I wish i'd taken the leaves that were offered me when i used to work. Maybe i wouldn't have burnt myself out so bad and become permanently disabled.

Thank you so much. Sorry to hear that you've struggled with this as well. It's really rough lately, and I am a "people pleaser," which makes things really bad in the work setting. When I'm hypo, I thrive off of doing a ton of things, but when you combine being on the brink of crashing in a work environment with negative influences, it sets me up for disaster. I think when I am hypo, I am vulnerable to being used, since people love to take advantage of the fact that I do lots of things and have energy. When you give an inch, they take a mile. I neglect myself and stop using self-care and keep running and running a million miles a minute until I burnout. That's where I am at right now. I see my pdoc next week and will bring it up.