[Tucson]

Sorry for the long post. I may not be able to handle this with my MI. I want your opinion on this. I hope the following will not trigger any person reading this.

I have known this woman for twenty years. We were together for a few years, but I figured out that she was still in love with her ex husband who beat her allot. Now it is twenty years later. We have a daughter together. We may get married. If this is the case, it would be a very pragmatic relationship. Still we do care about each other. She helps me, and I am there for her.

The reason we are thinking of getting married is to solve some problems. She has a work permit instead of a green card. Due to this, she has no legal status which is not the case with having a green card. She has been in th U.S for thirty years, twenty years with a work permit. Her lawyer made some big mistakes over this. In order to cover this up, the lawyer told her not to approach Immigration, for she would be deported. This does not make sense since Immigration has been renewing her work permit all along. They know she is here, and where she lives. She is a documented alien with a work permit.

I do very much want to keep her here in my family. She is very important to me. My daughter would lose her mother. So marriage would solve this problem and other problems. I am willing to do anything for her to make sure she is secure. This I promised her many years ago.

I am going to have a talk with her. I need to know specifically her reasons for marriage. I also want to find out how she really feels about me. Then I will contemplate some and come to a decision. I will have a hard decision to make. I just hope I can keep myself together. I do not want any more stressors in my life, otherwise, my MI will kick in. I am already very depressed.

PS She is going to see a lawyer about this soon and find out her current status with Immigration.

[bizi]

You have a lot to think about.
What is your gut telling you?
write more out here....
pros cons etc.
bizi

[Northchild]

I would only marry someone that I was in love with, romantically, who felt the same way about me.

Still, I'm sure that what I would do wouldn't work for everyone. This holds especially true if other cultures are involved. Marrying someone "for love" is relatively new even in the US, and even though we're fed a steady diet of romantic movies from Hollywood and whatever passes for TV these days, who or what gives anyone else other than you and your partner the right to an opinion about who to marry and why you should get married?

I guess my only advice is to not give anyone else's opinion, other than your partner's, much weight at all. This decision is about you and her.

[Tucson]

The pros are my daughter’s mother will remain in the U.S. My family will not be broken up. All of us will be very very sad if she were to leave. She has a life here that she does not want to give up. She has been through some terrible things in her life but strong as ever. She has not seen her family since the age of thirteen. She is now in her fifties. So it would be very nice if she had the opportunity to see her family again. We can have a working relationship. In return for what the marriage will provide her, she can periodically clean my house and provide me food. Of course we will help each other when we can. Her cooking is very healthy compared to mine, and her food is quite tastey. Oh yes, she makes allot of money in comparison to those in Mexico. She has been saving every penny so she has some money to retire with. Maybe she should be in charge of my money. I spend the amount above bills very quickly. I know this will not work, but this is a fleeting thought.

The cons are I still do have some feelings for her as I did in the past. No way can it work between us if we were back together. That is why I want her to continue living in her own home. I just cannot read into this as being anything more than a marriage that serves purposes, important purposes. But at first this will be very difficult for me. I have believed that marriage protects a very special relationship for the two being in love. But I have never have been in love until I met her. I just realized this today. So no wonder I have problems with this. Oh yes, I do not understand Spanish but maybe a vacabulary of about 500 words. But this has not stopped us from communicating reasonably well most of the time. So I will need to learn more Spanish. I have been thinking about this for some time anyways. I need to be able to communicate well with my wife.

[bizi]

bizi

Mango Languages is a great app for language learning. In my city it is available free from our public library site. Just an idea.

A marriage is just a formal partnership. You get to decide what your partnership looks like. Forget all the hearts and flowers of Hollywood. If she helps you and you help her that is a good basis for a partnership. And sharing a daughter ties you together, of course. Best of luck in what ever you decide!

[emgreen]

I don't want to get political, but it's too bad decisions like this have to be made. If she's been here since the age of thirteen it would be difficult for all of you if she had to return to Mexico - especially since she's worked so hard here & has contributed to the economy. That written, it's too bad she never learned much English after such a long time living in the U.S.

As Northchild wrote, I think you shouldn't give anyone else's opinion much weight except for an immigration lawyer. You're the one who will have to live with your decision. It sounds like you have a big heart. Good luck.

[Tucson]

She has been here only 30 years. She is not good at learning a new language. She tried phonetics with a place that help foreigners learn it as their second language, but this was very hard for her. She has only had one year of education, the first grade. Her parents took her out of school telling her that she was stupid. At the age of 13, her parents had her moved alone to another city. There were people there that had her work a full time job, and work additional hours doing what she said as “cleaning rich peoples homes”.

A green card holder came and wooed her, telling er that he was able to take her away from all of this and give her a much happier life. So he had her brought in illegally in the States. Her husband severely restricted her to where she can go, one place being grocery shopping. He beat her and their children. He also would bring his girlfriends home with him. After ten years, he abandoned her and the children. A friend of the family took her in. She immediately went to an immigration attorney to see if she can legally remain in the United States. This is when they gave her a work permit. They gave her a work permit because one of their exceptions is where spousal abuse is involved. This is when I met her working at Denny’s.

She is semi-illiterate. She can speak very well considering her lack of education. However, she cannot read or write. Still she is able to pick out some words in a written document. She is able to make intelligent decisions. I wonder what would have been possible with the right education. She can be very perceptive. I do think her very low self-esteem got in the way.

Due to our lack of understanding of each other’s language, we used part Spanish, part English, and words we made up which were our poor attempts at real words. Most of the time we were able to communicate unusually well. I can totally mispronounce some words, use very poor sentence structure, and many times I made very creative use of the words I understood. She still understood me. I do not understand how she did this. The rest of the time we managed, and at times, we used a friend of the family, or one of her children to translate more complex communication.

Why am I writing all of this? It is to communicate what I am willing to do for her, and why. She had a terrible past. I was taking action to make it better for her and her children. I came to care very much about her, so the relationship took a turn where we ended up having a child together.

IF we do get married, I hope I am emotionally up to doing this. But if not, I suspect I will be very depressed. She does know about my MI.

PS How did I come to believe in what she told me? By purposely interviewing her friends, including her children.

[luvyrself]

Originally Posted by Tucson

She has been here only 30 years. She is not good at learning a new language. She tried phonetics with a place that help foreigners learn it as their second language, but this was very hard for her. She has only had one year of education, the first grade. Her parents took her out of school telling her that she was stupid. At the age of 13, her parents had her moved alone to another city. There were people there that had her work a full time job, and work additional hours doing what she said as “cleaning rich peoples homes”.

A green card holder came and wooed her, telling er that he was able to take her away from all of this and give her a much happier life. So he had her brought in illegally in the States. Her husband severely restricted her to where she can go, one place being grocery shopping. He beat her and their children. He also would bring his girlfriends home with him. After ten years, he abandoned her and the children. A friend of the family took her in. She immediately went to an immigration attorney to see if she can legally remain in the United States. This is when they gave her a work permit. They gave her a work permit because one of their exceptions is where spousal abuse is involved. This is when I met her working at Denny’s.

She is semi-illiterate. She can speak very well considering her lack of education. However, she cannot read or write. Still she is able to pick out some words in a written document. She is able to make intelligent decisions. I wonder what would have been possible with the right education. She can be very perceptive. I do think her very low self-esteem got in the way.

Due to our lack of understanding of each other’s language, we used part Spanish, part English, and words we made up which were our poor attempts at real words. Most of the time we were able to communicate unusually well. I can totally mispronounce some words, use very poor sentence structure, and many times I made very creative use of the words I understood. She still understood me. I do not understand how she did this. The rest of the time we managed, and at times, we used a friend of the family, or one of her children to translate more complex communication.

Why am I writing all of this? It is to communicate what I am willing to do for her, and why. She had a terrible past. I was taking action to make it better for her and her children. I came to care very much about her, so the relationship took a turn where we ended up having a child together.

IF we do get married, I hope I am emotionally up to doing this. But if not, I suspect I will be very depressed. She does know about my MI.

PS How did I come to believe in what she told me? By purposely interviewing her friends, including her children.

—-this could work, but be sure to get an attorney. Don’t just google it. Would you legally acquire any debt she mite accrue. Be sure to have a will ETC
Are you then willing to get a divorce if necessary and take the consequences, like splitting assets.

[Nammu]

You should really talk to an imagration lawyer because I think marriage is no longer a sure way of avoiding deportation. There was a huge article in the paper here a few months ago, a husband was deported with a plane full of others. He too had children with his wife and worked.

[incogneo]

I don't want my personal politics to have a negative effect on my response so I will be as clear and concise as possible.

Based on what you provided thus far I would get a lawyer and make sure that marriage will ensure she will not get deported. There is no use getting married only to watch her be deported because of some new regulation.

Now, I may not agree with how the laws are upheld, but I understand why people want them and agree with them to an extent.

[Tucson]

Originally Posted by incogneo

I don't want my personal politics to have a negative effect on my response so I will be as clear and concise as possible.

Based on what you provided thus far I would get a lawyer and make sure that marriage will ensure she will not get deported. There is no use getting married only to watch her be deported because of some new regulation.

Now, I may not agree with how the laws are upheld, but I understand why people want them and agree with them to an extent.

Yes, this is what she is doing now. She want her lawyer to get her the green card. She does not want to get married unless that is the only option. FWIW I am for stronger immigration policy that will impact future illegal immigration.

[Tucson]

Originally Posted by luvyrself

—-this could work, but be sure to get an attorney. Don’t just google it. Would you legally acquire any debt she mite accrue. Be sure to have a will ETC
Are you then willing to get a divorce if necessary and take the consequences, like splitting assets.

She is not interested in money that she did not work for. I remember filling a hat with cash. I did this from a stack of hundred dollar bills. I told her to take some money when she needs it. She did not touch one bill in the years we were together. Instead, she went back to work for her money.

We will keep all finances and debt separate between us, and we will leave with what we had coming into the marriage. She will keep her original last name. We will live in our own houses. There will be no need to share responsibilities with respect to our separate finances.

[Tucson]

Originally Posted by Nammu

You should really talk to an imagration lawyer because I think marriage is no longer a sure way of avoiding deportation. There was a huge article in the paper here a few months ago, a husband was deported with a plane full of others. He too had children with his wife and worked.

I will have to check into this with her lawyer. She will end up with what is called a marriage green card. She does not get to have citizenship here. I imagine she would need to go through the naturalization process to become a citizen. So even though she will have legal status, it is not the same as being a citizen. All green card holders can be deported if they do not follow the laws related to their status here.

[Victoria'smom]

If you get SSI her income will effect your amount you receive.

[Tucson]

Originally Posted by Miguel'smom

If you get SSI her income will effect your amount you receive.

This is good information. However, I receive SSDI. I am fortunate in this matter. I just hope I can handle this without going more into depression, or hypomanic.

[Rose76]

I have a great deal of respect for what you are trying to do. I think you are trying to be very responsible about helping a situation that you don't have a lot to gain from. You did father a daughter by this woman. Helping so your daughter does not see her mother deported is a caring thing to do.

Do you have an attorney that you trust? I think you should get some legal advice independent of whoever your lady friend is talking to.

Clearly this is not what you have ever had in mind when you may have thought about marriage in the past. At least you're not kidding yourself that this will mean more than it will. I hope she appreciates what you're willing to do. I hope your daughter appreciates this.

[*Laurie*]

Originally Posted by Miguel'smom

If you get SSI her income will effect your amount you receive.

Not necessarily, if the couple lives separately with 2 verifiable addresses.

All things considered, I believe the marriage would be a wise decision. Personally, I am in favor of it.

Over the years of my life I have noticed that while most marriages start out (when the couple is young) based upon love and romance, after some years "pragmatic" becomes a reality - and in later years, a necessity. The love comes from depending upon and trusting each other over time. It sounds to me like there is love between you and your daughter's mother.

[Tucson]

I told her I will be willing to marry her, but she has to first consult with a lawyer. Now it looks like I will not have to marry her. I just felt that I never ever want to see my daughter in allot of pain because her mother no longer can stay in the States. I would never want this to happen to her, so I have been willing to do anything at all to keep this from happening to my daughter.

I allowed myself to fall in love with her mother when we were together. I have never completely got over her, and it has been about 16 years ago since we broke up. She was still in love with her ex husband, so I decided to leave the relationship at least until she gets herself straightened out emotionally. Ever since then, she has shown no interest in getting back together with me.

Her ex husband beat her and his children all the time he was there with them, even taking dates home to show off to his family. This is when they were together and married. He even married another woman when he was still married to my daughter’s mother. He just went to Mexico and met and married that other woman. Then her paid for her to be smuggled into the States.

When I met her, I decided to make a big difference in their lives, particularly for her children. I took care of them as my own children. I also promised her that I will always be in her life, in one way or another. This has turned out to be true and will continue to be true. All I have ever wanted for them is for them to feel secure and be happy. Even today, I am there anytime they need me. I knew if I married her, it would of been terribly difficult for me since I still have feelings for her, but still understanding that we cannot be together in the way I would want us to be together. Nevertheless, I still was willing to make it happen.

Anyways, so that is how it goes. Now she will need to leave the States for two weeks, and then she will be processed through and given her green card. This is what INS has arranged for her. At least she stopped dressing up every time her ex husband came over to visit their children. Maybe she will find happiness despite all of this.