[Under*Over]

I have put so much time and energy into understanding and just payig attention to my ‘every mood’ that Im just tired of it. Im tired of trying so hard but feeling like its just never enough.

Im wondering if I just stop focusing on my illness- if I just push it to the back of my mind- well... maybe Id just be less stressed out and able to function better. If I stop thinking ‘oh no maybe I shouldnt do that because Im bipolar’ maybe if I instead just DO it and just- pretend Im normal... maybe that is the answer.

I realize this sounds stupid and messed up. But maybe Im over-idenftifying with being bipolar and I dunno- maybe its stopping me from living.

Its been so hard and Im tired of everything always being so important and challenging. Maybe if I pretend long enough- maybe Ill be ok.

I dont know. Im thinking about it.

[CelestialFlame]

Normal is boring and overrated.

[Under*Over]

Originally Posted by CelestialFlame

Normal is boring and overrated.

I just dont want to be in pain anymore. I see people all around me and they seem happy and just- have things I fear Ill never be able to have. And it sucks. And I want those things. I try so hard just to still... not be happy. And I just want to be happy. If normal people are happy, then I want to be normal

I'm happy, but I've never been normal. I had an abusive childhood and no friends as a kid. While my junior high peers were at the pool hall, I was tucked in a corner reading Charles Dickens and Edgar Allan Poe. In my early 20's I was with co-workers and drank too much. My depressive thoughts came pouring out and suddenly everyone treated me like I was insane.

Now? Definitely not normal. Rainbow hair, tattoos, piercings, pole dancing. I go to play grounds with my kids and hang upside down from the equipment. I crochet and like bingo. I am unfiltered and say whatever pops into my head. I love picking up wild snakes and dancing while covered in mud. I tried skinny dipping last year.

Oh and I also have mental illnesses. I take 7 pills a day minimum plus cannabis. Sometimes I drink to cope. I have days where I bounce off the walls and days where I want to hurt myself. I see a therapist all the time and I cry at my sessions. Bipolar and borderline feels brutally unfair. I'm still happy. Don't give up.

[Under*Over]

Yeah. I have one friend. I used to have more but I ignored them and went into hermit mode for a few years and now I fear Ive lost the capability to form relationships with people. I feel so... ‘other’. And Im just tired of feeling so alone in it. I dont want to be alone.

I want to some day be able to love someone and have someone who loves me. I want to have a house, a job, a family- be able to travel and just live a life that matters and that Im proud of.

But I dont know if I can. My mental health conditions make everything SO hard. And I try SO hard just to function a fraction as well as it seems most others do.

I dont know. I guess its a good thing. Ive moved on from the basics- becoming functional again, fighting suicidal impulses, understanding my moods... that now- I mean. The new thing to focus on is... being something besides just... my illness.

I just want to be able to let myself BE FREE without having to worry so much. Im going to work on it

[pirilin]

Define normal.

[Unrigged64072835]

Normal is subjective to the observer. So is what a person does to be happy.

Even with stability there are still ups and downs. Not every mood is bipolar-related. Sometimes it's just life life-ing along.

Originally Posted by Under*Over

Im just tired of it. Im tired of trying so hard but feeling like its just never enough.

Im wondering if I just stop focusing on my illness- if I just push it to the back of my mind- well... maybe Id just be less stressed out and able to function better. If I stop thinking ‘oh no maybe I shouldnt do that because Im bipolar’ maybe if I instead just DO it and just- pretend Im normal... maybe that is the answer.

Yes, stop thinking about bipolar disorder all of the time! You are so much more than a stupid mental illness! I know that at times it's hard not to feel obsessed with what is going on with you mood-wise, but it does people harm. If you can, try to get yourself involved with some hobbies. Writing, painting, exercise of some sort, volunteering, playing an instrument, reading, gardening (when the time comes), cooking, baking, dancing, anything. When you're doing one of these things, be mindful about the task. Don't pick green beans while asking "Am I getting hypomanic just because I'm having a good time picking green beans?" Just pick the green beans and enjoy it.

[CelestialFlame]

A mental illness is just a label, a bunch of traits shoved together so people can reason your behavior as sensibly as possible. Dwelling on it will not make it go away. Nobody is normal, everyone has something different about them that can be described as irregular, you shouldn’t focus so much on your diagnosis because either way it’s not going to go away.

[cool09]

I'm totally consumed with this illness, too. It's all I talk about with my father. I come to this board too often because I have so much time on my hands. The illness (I have 2-3 diagnoses) has my hands tied.

[BipolaRNurse]

I used to have the same problem in the early days after I was diagnosed. Bipolar was all I thought or talked about. It finally got better when I got stable, but I'll never be able to say I'm "normal". Normal is a setting on a dryer. You have to get out of your head and learn to distinguish between what's bipolar and what's not. It takes time, but it can be done. I'm living proof.

[Blueberrybook]

Sorry, this first part has nothing to do with the original post, but how do you quote things previous posters say when responding to a thread?

I agree. Normal is overrated.

BPD is hard, but it is not you. It may have shaped you, but you are not BPD, a series of definitions in a diagnostic manual. I never had this issue with BP, but I had an eating disorder (anorexia) in college. Eventually, it came down to me asking myself, "What do I want to be remembered for?" Do I want to be remembered as a good wife, good mother, good child, good sister, good aunt, good niece, or would I rather be the family member everyone avoids because she has an eating disorder and remote body language? I let the eating disorder define me, and I was lost and floundering once I let go of that definition, trying to figure out just who I was (but I did, eventually!)

BPD is a difficult illness. You can't escape it (not that I even 100% escaped the eating disorder though I am recovered from it), but you shouldn't let it hinder you or consume you. You need to start equating yourself with those positive traits of yours, your particular talents, what makes you stand out, your interests and hobbies. You need to become more well-rounded and obsess less. Hard, I know, but doable.

[Under*Over]

Thanks everyone. I guess I just started to feel validated when I found out there was a REASON for my difficulties... then focused so much and working with myself to understand it all- that now Im ready to just... live again. I can accept where I am, and what I am, but also realize I am and can be so much more.

At least that is the hope

[leomama]

Originally Posted by Under*Over

I have put so much time and energy into understanding and just payig attention to my ‘every mood’ that Im just tired of it. Im tired of trying so hard but feeling like its just never enough.


Im wondering if I just stop focusing on my illness- if I just push it to the back of my mind- well... maybe Id just be less stressed out and able to function better. If I stop thinking ‘oh no maybe I shouldnt do that because Im bipolar’ maybe if I instead just DO it and just- pretend Im normal... maybe that is the answer.


I realize this sounds stupid and messed up. But maybe Im over-idenftifying with being bipolar and I dunno- maybe its stopping me from living.


Its been so hard and Im tired of everything always being so important and challenging. Maybe if I pretend long enough- maybe Ill be ok.


I dont know. Im thinking about it.

Are you seeing a psychiatrist or therapist?

[Under*Over]

Yes both. Im planning on bringing this up in therapy next session. I think it in some ways is a good thing- I want to start working on things that before... I never thought Id get to. Thinking that all I could expect was to not suffer so much... Now. I wonder if there can be something more for me.

New goal setting. Im excited.

[leomama]

Originally Posted by Under*Over

Yes both. Im planning on bringing this up in therapy next session. I think it in some ways is a good thing- I want to start working on things that before... I never thought Id get to. Thinking that all I could expect was to not suffer so much... Now. I wonder if there can be something more for me.


New goal setting. Im excited.

Your psychiatrist or therapist should be a good source of info for you

[amicus_curiae]

Originally Posted by Under*Over

I have put so much time and energy into understanding and just payig attention to my ‘every mood’ that Im just tired of it. Im tired of trying so hard but feeling like its just never enough.

Im wondering if I just stop focusing on my illness- if I just push it to the back of my mind- well... maybe Id just be less stressed out and able to function better. If I stop thinking ‘oh no maybe I shouldnt do that because Im bipolar’ maybe if I instead just DO it and just- pretend Im normal... maybe that is the answer.

I realize this sounds stupid and messed up. But maybe Im over-idenftifying with being bipolar and I dunno- maybe its stopping me from living.

Its been so hard and Im tired of everything always being so important and challenging. Maybe if I pretend long enough- maybe Ill be ok.

I dont know. Im thinking about it.

I don’t think that anyone is able to pretend that they’ve no disorder, but I think that your “wondering if I just stop focusing on my illness,” might be an excellent idea.

Some people, diagnosed with mental disorders, create a kind of life doing nothing but intently focusing upon their disorders, medications and other treatments. I’m always amazed that these folks can rattle off dozens and dozens of meds taken over a decade and can recall exactly how they fared on every single med.

No need to pretend but no reason that you need act impulsively, either. Try to stop focusing on your disorder and just remain aware of it — don’t ‘just do it’ without quickly processing the speech or actions through a filter of your disorders. That doesn’t mean focusing, just awareness.

Good luck — I think that your confusion could be your redemption.

[amicus_curiae]

Originally Posted by Under*Over

I just dont want to be in pain anymore. I see people all around me and they seem happy and just- have things I fear Ill never be able to have. And it sucks. And I want those things. I try so hard just to still... not be happy. And I just want to be happy. If normal people are happy, then I want to be normal

I understand pain. I understand wanting to be happy. By ‘normal,’ I’m assuming that you mean ‘those without mental disorders?’ If that’s what you mean, no, you’ll never be normal. I have no legs and I’ve no expectation that they will grow back. I don’t keep up with my physical illnesses, really. But I’m optically not normal.

It sounds as if you might be in a depressive state just now? Is that possible? I went through a long, long period of major depression. That’s when I felt the greatest pain.

What are the “things” that you say that you want?

I’m so sorry that you’re in pain. I’m so sorry that you don’t seem to have even occasional happiness. It gets better.

[Under*Over]

Originally Posted by amicus_curiae

I don’t think that anyone is able to pretend that they’ve no disorder, but I think that your “wondering if I just stop focusing on my illness,” might be an excellent idea.

Some people, diagnosed with mental disorders, create a kind of life doing nothing but intently focusing upon their disorders, medications and other treatments. I’m always amazed that these folks can rattle off dozens and dozens of meds taken over a decade and can recall exactly how they fared on every single med.

No need to pretend but no reason that you need act impulsively, either. Try to stop focusing on your disorder and just remain aware of it — don’t ‘just do it’ without quickly processing the speech or actions through a filter of your disorders. That doesn’t mean focusing, just awareness.

Good luck — I think that your confusion could be your redemption.

I can do the rattle off med thing but thats only because Ive done badly on most all of them and had to stop (except lamictal which was wonderful but I got THE RASH)

I think the biggest thing is I dont want to hurt anyone. I know hos bad and hard to deal with I can be when Im badly off- its hard for me to judge what is OK and what isnt/little self control- and I just very much dont want to hurt amyone.

But thats not fair to me. I deserve to be able to have a life too- not just worry about how Ill-and my conditions-will effect other peoples lives.

Hah I have mad anxiety too if it wasnt obvious

[mtnannie]

Do I hear you and used to feel the same. For better or worse I've given up. 99% of my day is caring for my psych and med disabilities. No way around it. If I fight it and carve out time for other things, some pill or treatment gets left off and docs hassle me. I don't think this is what they talk about when they talk about acceptance. Anyway, the regimine I have works and I feel great doing it so. I am going to keep it up. I think I feel normal, even though y life isn't normal.