Of course

So I saw my t. I was ready to just lay down and die. I said as much. She suggested giving my meds to my mom. I of course said no, yada yada, I’m sure most of you know why at this point so I’m not going to rehash. My t asked me if my plan was to just wait until I was committed. That scared me. She’s never said anything like that before. It sounded as if she was implying she would commit me if need be. So I said no no no of course not and that if I got worse (only way to get worse right now is dip into psychosis) I would certainly give my meds to my mom. So we scheduled a second session for tomorrow and I am seeing pdoc today at seven.

So on the drive home I became increasingly agitated. I am pissed as hell because I can’t tell my mom anything without her freaking out. So I decided **** her. I’ll tell her exactly wtf is going on and she can suck it if she doesn’t like it. So when I got home I told her I’m going to see my pdoc at 7pm and that I am not doing well. I go to the bathroom and to get changed - three minutes tops - and I come back out, and she’s ****ing GONE. Disappeared upstairs LIKE SHE HAS DONE TO ME MY ENTIRE ****ING LIFE. Like you don’t even care? You don’t even want to find out what’s going on? WHAT. THE. ****. I ****ing hate her sometimes I really do.

Now I’m even more agitated because of HER and because NV hasn’t texted me back not once today. Last time it was because his phone wasn’t working right so maybe that’s it today but I don’t know. But I’m ****ing pissed. And if I end up IP tonight my motger’s Gonna have some ****ing hell to pay!!!!

I’m so sorry your in this mental place again. But so glad you are reaching out for help.

For what it’s worth you mom sucks

WTF?
I am angry on your behalf!
She just left?

You have every right to be angry.
Just don't let your mom be the cause of IP or SH or anything that is not in your best interest. She does not deserve that kind of power.

If you go IP, do it for yourself.
Is there anyone who could take your son for a few days if you go IP?

(((((( wildflowerchild ))))))

We are here for you.

WC

I’m so sorry! Why do you think she leaves? Is she not good at handling it because she cares too much or it the opposite- that she doesn’t care at all.

I’m sending you a great big hug

Oh I wouldn’t give her the ****ing power AT ALL. She doesn’t deserve it, you are right!

Do I need to be IP? Yeah it would help. Can I survive without it? Sure, so I will. I don’t have anyone to take my son out of this toxic *** environment when I’m not here except for the weekend. He’d have to stay here during the week and who knows what would happen without me here.

I don’t believe she doesn’t care, I just believe she cares about her own emotions more. If something makes her uncomfortable BAM she’s outta there.

wish things were going better. Hang in there. It is so hard with family.

Pdoc said go up to 100mg lamictal on Friday. She said only thing to do is grit my teeth and get through this. I think the only thing to do is



****ing ********. **** it. She’s right. Wtf am I supposed to do but feel like ****. Story of my life. I’m always looking for a way out but there IS no viable way out. Unless I want to mess up my son forever. I don’t want him to live this cursed life.

****. I’m so enraged. I drove like a hundred miles down the highway, changing lanes without even looking.

I have a million scenarios running through my head but none are healthy. I’m just going to take ONE Ativan, curl up under my weighted blanket, and hopefully go to sleep.

I hope the Ativan helps.

My heart goes out to you.


WC

Awww Hun,

You struggle and struggle but remember it’s only temporary. You had a long stretch of stability for a while, it will return, I know you can’t see it right now, but it will come again.

Take best care of yourself that you can. Snuggle with your son if you can.

Much love your way :throbheart:

I hope it helps too. I'm sorry you're so stressed out.

I know it’ll get better one day, I’m just afraid of what might happen while waiting for that day. But I’m ok for now. I texted my therapist and she called me as soon as she got it. She made me promise I would be safe, and I am. even though I just counted out my Ativan. I just know my son would find me and I know what that’s like and I refuse to do that to him.

I just wish I could eat and sleep normally again. I’m so hungry and so tired but food nauseated me and sleep escapes me.

I talked to NV briefly on the phone but I was too scared to tell him everything. I feel like I’m just annoying him and that he’s not as interested in me as he was, but keeps me around for some reason. If I look at his actions that’s not the case but if I look at his words that’s kinda the case. And it’s kinda the case that depression would cloud my judgement. I have no idea.

I am glad you still have good insight!

It's also blessing your T is so available.

I hope you have a peaceful night.


WC

It sucks your mom is like that. I hope your lamictal kicks in fast.

Do you know and trust NV enough to ask NV to help with your son if you do have to go IP?
Just seeing if that’s an option,

Thanks pookyl but I’ve only known him six weeks. We haven’t even had the “exclusive” conversation yet. Certainly not able to ask him to watch my son. But thank you for the suggestion.

I fell asleep pretty easily because I took 200mg trazodone but now it’s 3am and I’ve been awake for a half hour. I’m probably going to take a half day from work. I honestly don’t care if they fire me ****ing TOMORROW. Don’t care at all.

I’m crying.

Edit: took 2mg Ativan. Now 4am. I’m gonna be stoned again but better than this hell. Probably missing work entirely tomorrow.

I'm so sorry you're struggling so badly. I think once you get stable, you should look into doing some trauma work.

Hopefully, the Lamictal increase will help. I was going up 50 mgs every week. But in the hospital a lot faster. Maybe she'd be willing to go up a little faster.

Big hugs tara.

I’m at 50mg now, allowed to start 100mg on Friday. Then I will be on that for two weeks and then another increase if necessary. Hoping it won’t be necessary.

I’m so sorry you’re mom wasn’t there for you

My mom is pretty much hopeless and helpless. I’m super grateful that I don’t have a young child in the mix. I hope you get back to stability soon. For what it’s worth I don’t blame you for being angry.

I woke up hungover, then as the med wore off I got super ****ing agitated. I was trying to go back to sleep and could only think of harming myself so I jumped out of bed and went for an angry walk around my neighborhood. Halfway through my walk NV texted. I told him what was going on and he said don’t worry, I’m on my way <3 so he really does care for me. He came up and cuddled with me for awhile, rubbed my shoulders, etcetera. Told me he wants a list of ten things I can do when I’m angry that don’t involve “jumping into traffic” as I had put it. Lol. I don’t want him to be my therapist obviously but it’s nice to know he does care for me.

He left and now I’m alone and back in a rage. I think my mom tipped me into mixed territory. Right? Can an incident trigger a mood flip? I really just want to go for a drive but I don’t know where to go. I have t at three. But if I stay here I’m going to harm myself, no question about it. So I guess I better gtfo of here. Maybe just drive down to a farther exit and swing back around.

I’ve had two protein shakes and one McDonald’s hash brown today and that’s only so I don’t pass out at some point. ****ing body. ****ing brain.

Hopefully T can help.

When it rains it pours.

I have gotten triggered big time when my husband just doesn’t understand what I struggle with. Yes that makes me worse.

I so hope you took a drive !

I’m glad your guy is understanding!

T should help settle your mind a bit.

Yes you need a different job for sure

((((((( hugs ))))))

I did take a drive. I drove like an *** hole though. So was it better...I don’t know.

T was very patient with me but firm as well. Said I was saying I didn’t want hospital but I was acting like I wanted her to call mobile crisis by refusing to hand over meds to SIL. I don’t know what I was looking for. In the end I broke down and texted SIL. Gave her my meds less the ones for the week. Except I kept trazodone and Ativan. For sleep purposes.

My energy is gone now and I am just exhausted and want to cry and sleep and cry and sleep and just die. In the fall I felt like the suicidal thoughts were separate from myself but this time it’s all me. I’m ****ing TIRED OF THIS ****. I don’t want to be here. I don’t care that it will get better because it will get worse after that. Everyone always says BP is cyclical, so yeah, I’ll feel better for awhile, and then I’m back into THIS FRESH HELL.

I don’t want to do it anymore. I love my son but maybe it would be better for him as well. I could write a will that says he goes to my SIL and her husband and he would be well taken care of, much better job than I can do.

Tired of being the one that fights.

Ever feel like the very air is suffocating you.

I took 400mg trazodone in a bid to knock me tf out for the night. Likely not going to work tomorrow either. I can’t function like this.

I wish I wanted to live.