What keeps you alive?

Lost everything that ever mattered. Again. Therapist says live in the here and now, a deep dark, rancid water filled hole....

Be positive she says. The future isn't written she says.

Single, alone, no energy, no goals, no life. Every time I build one it falls apart. Decades of this. Its morning here. Normal people would get out of bed.

Why bother?

My religion, my parish, my daughter, my parents and brother and extended family, my team at work, my customers those are all the people I live for. I think about all the people it would impact .

Honestly coming to sites like this and reading people's stories. Makes me realize I am not alone.

I have all the normal stuff ... ment nothing to me ... when I was the lowest .. darkest I had ever been ... I found my obsession ... it (she) ... is the only reason I am still alive ... may seem a little crazy ... but it is true ...

Family, friends and my dog.

I don't really know. I guess my love for God.

Lithium. It’s THE drug that has been effective in reducing the risk of suicide. I feel I’m at risk because this is how I lost my mom. Honestly, it has been hard since my husband died in a heart transplant. His heart was damaged by radiation treatments many years prior.

I have an adult daughter and a purpose to get her through college.

I also have pets and outdoor critters depending on me.

I stay alive because I luckily have people stop me when I'm in my emotional "spells". My brain gets so fogged, I have come so close, but then someone I love calls me or walks in and i sort of... Wake up.

I'm alive because I made a promise to my husband a few days before he died. He asked me to swear that I would never end my life before it was time. I've been as good as my word, and I firmly intend to continue to honor his request.

Meds.
Family.
A strong medical/psych support team:
pdoc, pdoc’s registrar, therapist, community psych RN who visits me at home, GP, pharmacist who does home visits, etc etc

Don’t think too much about the future if you can help it. Here is what helps me in those dark times. Try sitting up in bed.. You might even try swinging your feet off the side of the bed and then placing them on the floor. How does it feel? What is the texture, temperature etc.... keep going and give yourself grace if you can’t but then try again. ❤️ I believe in you

fear.
not so much fear of dying (I don't feel death at all now, tried to take my life so many times), more so the fear of not being able to do the things I take for granted.. like breaving, and laughing, and being creative, and being able to talk on these forums..

also my love for music

I can't imagine any day without music, and singing

and their's always new songs to discover

and it's a bold statement (and probably not possible, no, certainly not possible), but I want to be around to hear everything, every song ever recorded

and their's loads of old recordings I've never heard

I am very challenged with several treatment resistant illnesses and chronic pain. I have gone through this for over 30 years now. I am very tired.

The biggest thing that keeps me alive is not wanting to traumatize my H and my family.

I keep trying.

WC

Previously, the only thing that really keeps me alive is the thought that all the pain and emptiness I carry will become the burden of someone I love.

And this is still the primary means I have.

The other thing is I have tried to stop thinking existentially and have moved on to thinking, or adopting, a stoic approach to life. That is, accepting my narrator is broken and the world or my feelings about the world are separate things. And while I might have little or no control about the world, I do have absolute control over how I react to the world.

So I look at the problem directly in front of me and focus more on methodology. What needs to be done, rather than what I can't do.

I'm not very good at it. But, yah. It's a hard burden. Everything helps.

The fact that there are poems, songs, stories inside me that haven't been written yet. I haven't taken all the photos yet either.

Plus the trauma that my husband and daughter would go through.

Plus I'm the only one who feeds the cats.

My #1 that keeps me alive is my Faith in Jesus Christ.
I understand that many people read or hear people say that and tune out, or are turned off. But prior to the start of my relationship with Him 11 years ago, I had nothing that took away the hopelessness when I was in deep depression mode. I'd tried to clock out, have been in so many psych wards that I stopped counting. Was a guinea pig for every new med that came on the market, had years of counseling, ECT, out patient programs...whatever the flavor of the day was, I tried it. I even had PDOCs refuse to treat me because I am so "atypical".

My meds finally stabilized me after about 10 years of intensive therapy.

My dog is the reason why I get out of bed every day, even on the roughest days/weeks/months when I'd rather not. I've drilled it into my head that I took the responsibility for his well being over 9 years ago when we rescued one another. His responsibility to me is for him just to be himself

Right now I feel totally hopeless. I can’t work at the moment, can hardly move, can’t see friend or family unless they come to me which only my family do and had to pull out of university for the semester. Bipolar has taken so much from me. I see everyone out having a good time but I can’t go. Still, I won’t end my life for love of my family and few friends. Unless I was psychotic I just wouldn’t put that kind of agony on them.

What keeps me alive is how beautiful innocent things in the world are, like flowers and animals. Music.

What keeps me alive is: Awe and curiosity.

Maybe try some volunteer work. Or anything constructive for ANOTHER person. I find it helps alleviate some of my suffering when I can help someone else. For example, teens or children suffering with depression. You would have valuable experience and advice to give on how to deal, cope, and get through bad days, and it would make you feel useful.

Everyone has use and worth and value, even if you can't see it right now through the rancid water. Going through loss, doesn't mean things will always suck.

Don't forget "Strong is fighting, it's hard and painful and it's every day".

You are strong.

Meds and mostly my daughter and my husband. My daughter is just 10 years old; I don't want to traumatize her for life. She is already a very sensitive child.

There are days that the only thing that keeps me alive is a concious decision to not do anything to stop myself from being alive. There are other days,like I’ve been experiencing lately, when life is wonderful and i love everyone.

Maybe what keeps me alive is that I know that these days will come, no matter how long and how many med changes it takes.

The Good Lord keeps me here. He must have a reason.

Until recently, writing.

Now that writing seems to have fled, I don’t know. I’m in a depressive state, now, after having lived in a prolonged life-sustaining period of mania.

My experiences here over the past 4-5 months have led me to question my worth, my worthiness. Not because of other users but because of the very structure of the website. I believe that ‘worthiness’ — self-worth/ego — goes to the heart of your question. I think that it’s what we find worthy in ourselves (even if the worth is other people) is what keeps us alive, what gives us the courage to function, to live a life that is something more than functioning.

Given my physical maladies (coupled with this new depressive episode) I’m not sure how long I’ll be able to function. I’m frightened. I’ve a bit of pneumonia in my lower left lung, edema despite my diuretics, and the middle finger of my left hand is dying. I’m no stranger to gangrene but I certainly don’t find it life-affirming.

I can answer your question, though, by saying that it is my overwhelming fear of death — of ‘nothingness’ — that keeps me going through the minimum necessities of living. But I’m losing interest, lately. Maybe it’s time to die. If that’s the case, I’ve no argument to present.

I’m not religious but do believe in God. I live for my eleven year old. We spend a lot of time together

Yesterday I was grasping for a reason. Today is a tiny bit better.

Ptsd is horrible