who am I under all these meds?

Anyone else feel this way? Like you don't even know what your personality is because you take medication or so much medication? In my case, it's a lot, not including vitamins to prevent restless leg syndrome & calcium for osteopenia as well as melatonin on pdoc's advice for sleep because too much of his sleep medication makes me very forgetful, to the point of being a danger. I have been on meds since I was 19 years old, and I'm 40 now. I've been on psych medication more than I've been off it (except for the 9 months I was pregnant with my daughter).

Sometimes, I wonder where the heck I am under all these meds? Often they make me tired and I feel less creative and motivated. I used to be a go-getter, straight A's in high school (graduated valedictorian), all A's in college except one B in Physics II (graduated summa cum laude, got a Master's in grad school in Cell & Molecular Biology, used to write fiction stories, etc.

Now I can't even hold down a job (every time I try, I nearly end up in the psych hospital). I try to be a decent mother to my daughter, but she has tons of sensory issues and also is in puberty now, which I find extremely challenging to deal with. I don't even keep house well. I can't concentrate much and I often forget words for common objects.

Ugh! In some ways, I feel the meds have messed me up. For 10 years, I was mis-diagnosed with major depression and on depression meds which caused me to have manic symtoms, but no pdoc seemed to care to re-evaluate me once I got the initial diagnosis of major depression (I had a very bad eating disorder and they mostly concentrated on that) & panic disorder for years & years. Finally, I showed up at a pdoc appt. super manic, and got re-diagnosed. In some ways, I feel like all the anti-depressants I was on for years (probably every one out there that existed at the time) messed with my brain.

I'm not the person I once was, but is it just life happening or the meds? Who knows? I find it very frustrating at times, which causes me to stop taking the meds and then get into messy situations. Ugh.

i know where you're coming from. for me, reducing the # of drugs in the cocktail helped. Reducing the Abilfy dosage helped a whole lot, too. For me, a form of alternative health--Orthomolecular--seems to help me get more mileage out of fewer drugs @ lower doses.

sorry about this. I mean that, because...like I said, I have a good idea of where you're coming from. I find that the tranquilizers/antipsychotics are the absolute -worst- offenders, when it comes to causing apathy, fatigue, lethargy, etc. Maybe your shrink could do a slow, gradual dosage reduction and see if that helps? Just...if you reduce the tranq...try to do it very, very slowly. Its rapid tapers that cause hell on earth.

hope this helps. :-)

Sorry you're struggling!

I feel the same way sometimes. I'm barely able to hold down my job now, but 3 years ago, before I was medicated, I was well enough to graduate with my master's degree in Computer Science, despite struggling immensely with my symptoms. If I never went to grad school and instead decided to get my Master's now, I'm certain I would flunk out.

I think meds have messed me up for sure. I'm more stable now than I was back then, but my concentration and memory are just off, so I'd argue that I'm worse off in that respect. It sounds like you're in the same boat.

I'm fortunate that I got my bipolar diagnosis very quickly, even though (like you) I was initially diagnosed with MDD. Took me 3 years to get the bipolar diagnosis, which I suppose is very quick compared to a lot of people who get diagnosed with bipolar. Lots of psychiatrists are ignorant and/or don't believe us when we tell them the truth. (I told my first psychiatrist the 100% truth, but he still didn't believe me.)

I don’t know....sometimes I think I got to get off them to see who I really am, a refresher course on the real me...but then I look back at the crazy times and then think oh yeah....not!

I can relate to your story.

Like my pdoc says, I used to run on all 8 cylinders and now I try to get by on 4 cylinders.

I also feel I am slipping in every arena, including keeping house.

I, too, have been on meds since my teens, with only short breaks. I was able to get off meds for 2-3 years when I'd had access to an excellent M.D. specializing in orthomolecular medicine. Still_crazy knows a lot about that approach!

My meds are minimal right now. What I've found? I am very affected by C-PTSD; it's very uncomfortable.

I keep trying!

I am glad you've checked in, I was wondering if you were doing okay. After your recent hospitalization for a severe medical issue, was concerned something was up.


WC

I'm sorry you're feeling that way. I like the 8 cylinder/4 cylinder engine analogy Wild Coyote's pdoc talked about. I've felt similarly and that's a really good way to explain it.

During 2016 and 2017 I was heavily medicated and didn't know who I was other than a person who slept a lot and answered questions slowly. I tapered off just about everything and I'm trying a minimalist approach towards pharmaceuticals right now, just PRNs if needed. I still don't know who I am because I have a disorder that gives me several different me's. Depressed me is way different from hypomanic me, and that person is even way different from manic me. Let's not even think about mixed me. I still don't know who baseline me is, and I wonder if I ever will. It seems like I and others with BP get to choose between all the me's that are defined by my mood state and the overmedicated me. I thought I found out who I was, someone who watched sunrises and sunsets every morning and evening from the tops of mountains, had no fear of steep ravines home to dozens of skier and hiker fatalities, had millions of creative and unique thoughts a minute, acted boldly without thinking, and said what was on her mind regardless of how it would be interpreted by those around me. I found out that was hypomanic me. The real me doesn't say "hey, I'm up at 1am anyway, let's just throw a dart at a map and drive up to 3 hours to hike up to 10 miles in the dark and watch sunrise every day." Yeah, she may do something similar, but it would take much more than an hour of planning, an alarm clock, and a trip to DD's, and that wouldn't happen every day.

It's hard never being sure of your identity. Who would we be without the meds, the mania, and the depression? This may sound pessimistic, but I don't think we'll ever know. Sure it's possible to be off meds and stable, but when I'm there I don't think that's the true me either because I'm always scared of a relapse and (somewhat frantically) avoiding things or doing things just because of that. It's okay though. Everyone has a thing or twenty about them where they wonder where they would be without it, and in many cases they never get to find out.

Sure you can find out who you are without the meds, but it's risky and there's a good chance you won't find out who baseline, unmedicated you really is.

I was always angry and tempestuous, impulsive and even wild at times. Now, on six psych meds, I am none of the above. And I wonder sometimes if this is the "real me", or if the "real me" is actually being tamped down by the drugs. I think it's the latter...but I don't dare experiment with them too much because I really don't want to find out.

I feel like I’m still me under my meds. With the exception of my memory and some cognition issues.
Actually I’m a better ‘me’ on meds. Even though I’m unstable even on meds, I’m manic less often and suicidal less often.
I’m unable to work because of mental illness and I grieved for a long time. However, I understand fully the reasons I can’t work.

I feel like I'm still me under my meds, and right now I'm coming out of a low and my meds being increased at the same time. I don't know how much of my fatigue and lack of focus right now is me, and how much is the med increase. I'd really like to know but would be afraid to take the risk to find out.

I can relate to not knowing who I am on meds...
I live in a fog during the day with poor memory/cognitive skills and lethargy. I tried lowering my meds in January but the anxiety came back so fast that I went right back up. I did it way to fast. I'm now trying to reduce my seroquel by 5% bi-weekly taper from 150 to 100mg. I've increased my exercise too as I've found it to be the best medicine of all. Also cutting down on sugar, carbs, processed foods and going with a more organic, whole food diet.

Oddly, I can't wait to take my meds at night and enjoy the seroquel kicking in so I can fall asleep. Insomnia has been an issue for me.

I wish all of you the best with your meds as It's so hard to find inner peace from a pill.

I know this feeling SO well. You could be describing me.

We then wake with the fog in our head....

I will say that seroquel was a life saver for me. Nothing else helped me get a good night sleep. So now I just want to lower it a little to be alert in the morning.