I can't deal with the system anymore

I went to my appointment today and the receptionist lady basically said "**** you, we don't care about you, you can die in a hole for all I care or let nanobots take over your mind, we're only here because cults dedicated watching someone physically murder another are illegal." That's how I took it anyways. So I drove all the way and spent 50 cents on parking only to be told I'm not worth saving and not see my doctor.
That's totally true. I'm not worth saving. I only know of three places I can go to receive ongoing outpatient care. Two of them are so flawed I'm pretty sure they've actually made me take steps backwards in recovery and the other doesn't have any providers that "fit" AKA will take people that deal with more than mild depression/anxiety.

Just when I stopped obsessing over doctors being sadistic bastards here's some proof that doctors are sadistic bastards.
I don't know how I'm going to work this summer. I go back Friday, but I don't think it's going to go well when I have zero support, am off meds and can't get back on them, and have a fragile connection to reality.

What did your therapist/pdoc say about this?

Hi spike, I'm a bit confused. You had an appointment, but when you arrived could not see the pdoc?
Reading your post, it definitely sounds like you need to be on medication. There is always the ER, you know. If I were you, I would not hesitate to go there. Also, are you connected with any other resources...a Wellness Center, a NAMI support group, others in your location with mental illness who can give you support and practical advice?

They just want to see how much you can cope. Thanks to all the scum bags that abused the system in the 90s..

Now there is no more getting proper care without going through all the ridiculous amount of red tape just be be taken seriously.

Learn the system the correct way. Inform your self in person is your able to. But there's always the phone.

Like fishing. It takes patience.

Yeah, and this isn't the first time I've gone and they've told me to leave. There's a group I want to go to later, but I feel like I shouldn't be driving. I'll probably go anyway.

That's great. They want to see how much we can cope by making patients want to kill their receptionists and keeping them from getting antipsychotics or even talking to a doctor. That's going to work out great. Wonderful system. I can't think of a better way to do things.

Yeah they want to know how much **** you can “cope” with

I’m sorry ....

First, I hope that you can replay the messages that you’ve received. You’re obviously very upset but I think that you should try to recall the actual conversations rather than what they felt like.

Secondly, a physician would be liable if s/he suddenly discontinued life-saving medications without reason (e.g., being in the patient’s best interest to discontinue the meds). I don’t know the ‘system’ in which you’re entwined but there are usually legal safeguards for those being served.

I really hope that you can find help, and quickly.

I'm sorry it went badly, spikes, and that it triggered such feelings in you. I'm trying to wrap my head around what happened. When you arrived for your scheduled appointment, what reason was given for not seeing you?

The thing is I asked to be taken off my meds last year and we tapered, so it wasn't his choice to discontinue for no reason.

Okay so I went up to the receptionist and told her I had an appointment, and she said I did not. I took out my card and confirmed that it was the date and time that was on the card. I had the right date and time, but she had no scheduled appointment so either they lied about my appointment or cancelled it without telling me.
I believe my doctor told them to cancel it because he wants me to truly suffer without meds. He probably thinks he's giving me a lesson. He's angry at me. At my last appointment he told me if I start having any symptoms to go to the hospital instead of him. The group having nothing to do with his practice I go to explained to me that. He wants me to go to the hospital so he doesn't have to deal with me when I'm not at my best. That's my experience with every other practice I've gone to so why not this one.

I don't think I'm even capable of calling them back at this point and calmly explaining I need an appointment. I don't want to see him. I'm considering separating myself from the system. From this point on I have no psychiatrist, am on no meds, and am not going to seek for either. I totally understand I'm going to wind up in the hospital, jail, or dead, but I don't have any other options I will genuinely consider when every single psychiatrist is in a conspiracy against me.

It could be an honest mistake on their part. Do call them back and talk to the doc. You may need to reconsider medication or other forms of therapy (cognitive behavioral/mindfulness...) to help you sort out what is going on.

I do NOT need medication. They have made too many "honest" mistakes. It's not honest. Ignoring me for three weeks? That's honest?! Convincing me I just had an episode when I was pissed at them? That's honest?!? Lies lies lies, the world is lies. I'm the only honest one, but I'm honestly lying to everyone for my own good.
They're screwing with my thoughts and reality to make me think I need those poisons, but I am stronger! I will fight to the end! Awareness is key, it just doesn't work if you don't beieve in it.
I see the world as it is for the first and last time. I am faster than light, and I will avoid the black hole known as THE MENTAL HEALTH SYSTEM.

spikes, I'm going to be very truthful. I have absolutely no reason to mess with you.

It sounds like your pdoc's office is not well-organized. It sounds like the receptionist(s) are messing up appointments because of their disorganization. Here's my suggestion: When you have an appointment scheduled, call the day before to confirm the appointment. Be absolutely sure you are on the schedule at the time and on the date you believe you should be.

My next assertion: It sounds to me like medication would help to stabilize your thinking and emotional life. Being on medication is not a weakness, it's not about which is stronger - you or the medication. It's about being the healthiest and most stable you.

Best of luck to you, spikes

I also don’t take medication (or very little) as I’m allergic to nearly all the drugs

I have found the “system” beyond unhelpful. I certainly wouldn’t push you into going back on “medication”....

Dang, I don't know what I would do if I was allergic to most medicine. It doesn't even take a week without meds before my bipolar crushes me not to mention I can't sleep period without medicine. you have my respect

I'm rereading this and it sounds sarcastic I don't mean it in that way at all.

It’s ok I don’t even know how I’m still “here” half the time

Time heals everything. How much?. I don't know. But it Will improve.

I'm pretty sure I'll die before half the things wrong with me heal haha (that was a joke in my mind, but I'm realizing how sad that actually sounds)

Thanks Fuzzybear, it's good to know I'm not the only one who has experienced more harm than good from the mental health system and meds.

When I can keep others' thoughts out of my head, I'm actually doing pretty well.

It’s great that you were able to take a step back and explain the situation more clearly. So...

...you’re not currently on meds. You had an appointment with your shrink but the receptionist told you that you had no appointment. I’m trying to decide if I would have reacted the same as you and the answer is... yes. Probably much worse as I can imagine my head exploding in that situation.

I agree that the ‘canceled appointment’ thing is... fishy. But, realistically, I don’t think that your shrink wants you to suffer. The thing about being told to go to the hospital? I’ve heard that from every shrink (except when I was, already, hospitalized). Not in a sense of abdicating any responsibility but rather as an assurance of treatment that my shrinks can’t give me as an outpatient. Don’t read too much into that — SOP.

(I never go, personally. I have a morbid fear of hospitals. Long story.)

I know that you want to do what’s best for you. We all do, at some level (even when it feels like self-destruction is our last chance). It’s not in your self-interest to go without a shrink and, possibly, meds. You know what you should do — that calm phone call — and I think you know that would be in your best interests.

It’s hard for me to calm down once I’m racing, once I’m angry. I don’t know if you feel the same? I really think that you need to find out why your appointment was canceled and think that you should make that call and confront your shrink. Anytime that I don’t understand another’s reasoning I become angry and combative. And, oh, so self-destructive.

Try to get another appointment. Explain your experience and feelings with your shrink. Afterwards you can decide whether to drop out or not.

Best of luck.