An Audi TT

Aug 05, 2018, 02:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Balthascar810

At least Fred came from a large family so going home for lunch wasn't a big deal. But my brother got enough money for everyday. Enough to smoke. Enough to buy chip shop every other day. I am amazed that my parents payed the fees for my sport.
A friend of mine thought that because we had sky tv that we were spoiled. Fred could say he had a large family. But mine had no excuses. My mum tried to coax me into first and seconds, a second hand shop on a trip to nearest city. Yes, I know there are kids in poverty. And kids in care. But if you feel neglected compared to all the kids around you, then of course depression creeps in. If you feel like a black sheep and you know that you only feel ostracized because of money. But there is more to this equation, there has to be. I thought I know my mum hates my father, and my brother was her favourite. My brother got money when he asked from my mum. And a phone contract. My mum shopped for him all the time and told me boys need more. So that was it: boys need more. I couldnt change that view. I didn't believe it but she said it over and over.
I didn't have the confidence to fight for a Saturday job or weekdays in chip shop etc. And going to my father's was a good excuse to NOT apply myself to find a job. I did apply for jobs. But nobody takes on someone who is shy unless for example they are family or a friends kid really. And pretending only works for so long. I did get offered a job but I knew one of the girls would probably not make life easy for me. Two girls who are friends I stood no chance. Maybe they would have been ok and it was just my self-doubt. I should have tried in hindsight. They were the normal ones. It was my thinking and not them. I was a bag of nerves. A crowded coffee shop, I'm not sure I could have done it. One day a week, maybe.

Even when I started working at 17 thankfully I got a shelf stacking job and didn't work on tills.
Technically I started working at 15 in the gym. Got paid for it at 16. So it was worth hanging on. And that really helped me to keep off the streets. And then I destroyed it all anyway.
The depression and self esteem I struggled with, just resulted in me being called lazy. My father, thug coach, some teachers. And obviously my mother. My friends just thought I was odd. Funny and clever, yes. But odd. I found it hard to relax. My friends didn't want to so anything I told my team mate and my work mate. The truth was we didn't have a lot of expendable income. Most of us didn't.
My second boss at supermarket would sometimes find it amusing that I never stayed still . Other times a bit frustrated. What's up. Just chilling.
When I had a blip at my longest running job. I told the boss when I had a mini melt down that I don't get the chance to chill. And I had to take about 8 weeks off.

My friends never wanted to do anything, I would complain. But what was there to do in a town ? A lot of teens grow out of playing football and boxing/karate etc. And we didn't have money to burn. I wasn't one to chase down kicks. My parents were pathologically strict. I didn't drink on the streets and I didn't want to.

Aug 05, 2018, 03:25 PM

When Fred and I took the plunge, it felt like the right thing to do. We were definitely set to rent some where and had some options.
He was stressed by the move. Every spare minute was spent on the place. And he got a bee in his bonnet when his parents kept asking him when would he be moving in. They weren't pushing him out the door but it was coming up for two months. And when Fred came in from work nobody was safe if he happened to be in foul mood.
When we both moved to our pad, the start of our lives together, there was no honey moon phase. But it was better after an up and down few years. It looked on the outside that we had settled our differences, broke away from wild youth and had a future together.

Aug 06, 2018, 08:03 AM

It was a real relationship. And Fred Keeping my feet on the ground is a blessing in disguise. I was lucky after the overdose I took that the doctor switched me right away onto the perfect medication for me. And when I had to go for follow ups some staff I recognised went past and asked if I was ok.
The doctors aren't gods. They are incredibly intelligent. I had no idea what psychiatric treatment involved. It was unnecessary to try and prove a point. But then again, I needed time away and I could not have went home.
And when In hospital at 18 I did go out with mum for lunch all the time. And it was more David that was pushing for a diagnosis. If you are getting treated with medication then a person is going to question what is treating. But most parents would have prayed that it was a stress induced episode. Not mine though. They were conflicted. They'd rather I would get better but if worst came to worst they couldn't afford to take the blame. And it was the easy way out if all the eggs went to my basket.
I apologise for nit picking with doctor. I guess it felt worse to me because this was my life! And looking at the big picture, I was one of the lucky ones.
Your the type that sees your body as a temple said the doctor. I had no interest in drugs and alcohol was a social thing for me. Through the thick and thin. True. We can call it a blip. Nipped in the bud.
I'm on good terms with family now. We have our own normal.

Aug 06, 2018, 09:02 AM

Good luck. You said I was autistic to my face. I had every Right to say good luck staying away from drugs. The only reason you were moving was to do drugs. Lo and behold I was bang on the money. I know social media was not the place. And I deleted my comment. I hated drugs. I hated Jeremy Kyle. Why on earth cause a spat online? But you were the only one of my old friends that I left an unsavoury comment about.
And I will be brutally honest; I did have too much time one my hands. And my inhibitions were not quite recalibrated. But why don't YOU be honest and admit that I may have made you question your motives for flitting to the city. Maybe I cared more than others around you did.
You may have came the bag and crossed the line calling me autistic (not even aspergers syndrome) but we were friends at high school. Maybe I did care ?

Aug 06, 2018, 09:27 AM

We were just too different to have been friends. I did get a bit down that my friends didn't want to do anything. But I wouldn't have fitted into your crowd. And I never had your freedom. If my wall hadn't happened I would have been happy with the friends I had. But maybe not? I was supposed to have gone to university. I would have travelled for my career. And I wouldn't have given you or washing powder a second thought. So I apologise for any grief I caused on your page. And I'm sad to hear you think your life went wrong somewhere and that you need to look at things from a different perspective and hopefully make it right.
I'll be honest meeting you was the best part of my work at the supermarket ! I thought you were ace and fun. I got you. I remember dropping the box of flowers trying to fit the last one on and you were like that's being too adventurous. I was made fun of at my club for working there. I would have "jacked" the job if you were not there. And thank Christ my escapades was there at supermarket.

Aug 06, 2018, 11:53 AM

I did not want to sign my life away. And the man who conducted my interview knew from the get go that my heart was not in it. But give him his due at the end he said have you got a back up plan or plan b? But he did set the tone by pondering if I was the right material for the first role I considered without even knowing my test score. But my highers grades were barely average. So he was right to give me the third degree.
The old me would have cried and left straight away. But an old boss of mine pointed out that I acted like a tough nut while there. My longest serving job.
I understand that you were just doing your job. And you did ask if I knew what I would do instead. I was barely 18 with my whole life in front of me.

02:30 PM

I needed a new creative out let. I was going to get a key board and learn guitar from you tube tutorials. I could have folded a key board under my bed. And get an electric acoustic guitar and an amp. So I could practice with headphones on in the flat.
But reality stepped in. I needed money to get started. I would need a job. And my foray with college proved that I wasn't ready for studying. If I had taken a year off things would have been different.
I had to get a job and any job at some point. I should have done the art therapy my doctor proposed. But I didn't enjoy drawing any more. The solitude was killing me. I needed noise and words and distraction.
I wasn't ready to work either though. I was in a fine mess.
When the depression hit, I didn't even flick through the music channels. When I reeled in my hyper energy, there was only depression and regret. I had been extremely ill. Part of the illness is failure to have insight that you are ill. Not denial, lack of insight is different.
Rock music was the only music that made my brain take notice and Fred persuaded me that it was counter productive to my recovery. There wasn't any good films on during the day.
So I sold the guitar. Deciding it was just a restless phase. That it was time I got to the nitty gritty. And get my head out of the clouds.
So I started to read. I could listen to music & read at the same time. And this helped me relax. With the guitar my attention wandered because there's so much repetition in order to learn. It was the same with sketching. I had to start from the bottom with that too as I had lost the ability to sketch.
When I jogged I toggled through song after song. And I thought of ideas to write about. I needed some hope. After my fall from grace, I needed a dream. I needed to escape the truth for my piece of mind.
I mean pop music died in the 80's? I didnt like guns n roses, iron maiden, ac/dc, led zeppilin or slayer. Classic rock did nothing for me. And I gave up on my first love of soulful/rnb/hip hop. I couldnt find an album that I could listen to every song on. I still listened to rock alongside more main stream music.

02:20 AM

I bumped into Freds Mum when I did my jogging on my routes and she was nice saying she got cabin fever too some days. And I didn't feel like I was imposing or unwelcome when I was over. I did think that they maybe thought I wouldn't be good enough. But I had achieved things. His sister's boyfriend spoke about tkd on a programme he saw. I was known for it.
All I had at home was a box room. Martin had a spacious room. He had a sub woofer for films. Evenings at his were miles better than me brooding alone. And I was ****ing difficult when trying to adjust to everything. Trying to get better, not realising the time it would take. I turned Fred away some nights, because I knew that his friends would take the Mick. My mum said I didn't deserve a devoted man like him and why he still bothered with me was a mystery.
We would get Oreo ice creams and chicken wraps from McDonald's and go walks and drives. We'd go out all the time to pubs and people would say they were so glad we stayed together.

04:12 PM

I was young and giving up and accepting the fate that some people had placed on me just made me more determined. I had fought tooth and nail to try and give myself a future. My grandfather encouraged my gran to do her cryptic crosswords to keep her brain working and "oiled".
I thought the longer I was out of work, that it would be less likely that I would get back in the game. But with a mental breakdown, thats not quite the case.
But I didn't have a nurse like Justin effing beiber, sit on the bottom of my bed and say that getting well was a long long road and that I should break down everything to tiny bites. One thing at a time. I had my my mum saying that I was a sick just face it. One health care worker saying don't you realise how sick you were.
I did get some good advice from nurses and the doctor. But I was under going a full psychosis and I was not lucid that often and I wasn't ready for talking it out. My medication was working it's magic. When I crashed I was more reasonable. And I regained my judgement. I think I was one of those people that opening up would have been more dangerous.
I went out with friends and some of their college classmates were with them. And one girl greeted me one week with " oh it's you...I knew YOU would be here"
I took this as a sneer of superiority. Insinuating I was a "drooth" and nothing else. So I bucked up. And the pub closed and I lost contact with the duo.
So my priority changed to first I was to get out the house and be productive. THEN I would tackle my social life. I'd rather be on my own than hang about with people that didn't care about taking responsibility. I needed purpose. I got fixated on this. I wasn't a deviant. I had legitimately been un-well. Self medicating too. I wasn't a lost girl.

Aug 06, 2018, 04:25 PM

I don't blame any of you for thinking my cv was a joke. But I know that it swayed the decision in my favour. So I could forget the audacity of the phrasing. And giving me that second chance meant the world to me. And my new manageress said that I never complained about any job I was asked to do it. Sitting here now I see that being out in the back room, flying under the radar was as close to perfect I could get in my home town.

05:19 PM

I lost two jobs. And I quit another. Please do not feel bad about cutting me loose before my three month trial. I definitely wasn't ready for luminous green uniform.
And the cafe I wasn't either. I was a bit arrogant thinking that it would be a piece of cake.The older lady who was at college wasn't scrutinised like me. She did her own thing and sung away to herself all day. She had family and college homework to do. She was quite aloof but had a lovely manner and positive way. I got miffed when I was on portering duty every time. This wasn't the job I applied for to start.
And to be honest I absolutely dreaded learning the tills. I was ok with making the variety of coffees. But engaging my brain to operating the till and orders and change while being happy go lucky to the customers made me nervous.
So when I was given the option of a disciplinary or cutting my losses and taking that months pay and an extra month on top, the latter seemed my best bet. And when I went back an hour later with my decision, they were honest with me and as an after thought they said that I didn't fit in with the girls in the team. I appreciate that they told me the hard truth and I sensed an edge of sympathy and that I was owed the truth. I knew I didn't fit in with the team but reinforcing this was the case did help me.
I actually applied for a different job and I was offered the cafe because an opening came up so I agreed. Half hoping it may lead to better prospects. I still wasn't ready for returning to the work place with this job either.
I lied to my parents and I said that I was laid off because the cafe was changing from waitress service to self service. There was word of this so I used it on all my future job applications. A gap in employment was worse right??

06:04 PM

I lied about the cafe. The reason was lo and behold: my mum's reaction. She has no filter sometimes. David never got on at me. But my mum said are you joking, nobody gets sacked from somewhere like there. But house on fires gf had got sacked from a shop while at uni for one tiny mistake. I know a few people who made only one mistake and lost their job.
I got one strike for leaving the station because I couldn't get hold of the person on the phone and I didn't know who I was asking for. Another strike for reading a magazine at the station. A strike for putting on a cd with parental guidance even though I swear I put it away before I finished. And another for over riding a games console without contacting the supervisor. It was an expensive product and I should have called someone. And I never left a note at night to let the morning person know of any changes or problems that stood out. It was the same s^it just a different day to me. There was never anything out of the ordinary. And the delivery was self explanatory. I put what I had done on the trolley that was labelled such. And labelled the other still to do. It was just a formality and if I was better I would have known. So I used my three strikes you can probably gather. I was a perfectionist once upon a time.

02:21 AM

I will never make a decent living staying here I sighed. I ruined everything. I'm fed up with this place. Revolving door jobs are the only ones that take me.
Your a dogs body like the rest of us. Was Freds reply.
Why are you on the computer again? Not ****ing Facebook. Fine, I'll log off and join you. And no I am reading. Supposedly my medication has similar properties to ecstasy. And In American prison it's street name is: snooze berries. I may as well have been talking to a brick wall.

You know I want to write a book one day.
And what makes you so special?
Why are you with me If I'm nothing special?
I'm not just with you because I feel sorry for you....
That was as far as that conversation ever got.

Aug 07, 2018, 06:39 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Balthascar810

My friends never wanted to do anything, I would complain. But what was there to do in a town ? A lot of teens grow out of playing football and boxing/karate etc. And we didn't have money to burn. I wasn't one to chase down kicks. My parents were pathologically strict. I didn't drink on the streets and I didn't want to.

I had to get second job. My contract was cut in half. I didn't run this time and went back. You can have a lie in someone said. I told the person I worked next to that a lie in wouldn't pay my bills and mortgage. I wished I had never admitted I had no money to myself to the supervisor. I signed the new contract so I didn't have a leg to stand on.
At my other job I got mixed reactions. With my past . But one lady told me that a good friend of hers committed suicide. She said it was because she was intelligent and she felt she had to have a good job. She was a morgue nurse. And the supervisor said that I was a good kid doing sport instead of loitering.

08:39 AM

I found out that Fred had been enforcing the fact that I was only working part time to everyone at work.
It's ok moon shaped face . It only struck a nerve because my ex coach used to wind me up that my contract was 28 hours. 36 was full time. But there was ALWAYS over time. This was how retail worked. I got every second Sunday so that made it full time . And when people were on holiday which was most weeks in a large company.
I never told my sports club my contract hours. He literally
Called me part-timer. So when you asked are you still working part-time at the Eec I took it the wrong way. Sorry.
But It gave that push and I got a second job and I also did evening classes at college. It was ME that latched onto "part-time".
My father also said I lazy. It wasn't just the hours with my father, it was the type of employment also. The easy way out. It was supposed to be my gap year so I could figure out what I wanted to pursue. I tried to ignore the negative people.

Aug 07, 2018, 07:18 AM

Freds work mate told him that it was his fault that I was crying in the rest rooms. And it was.
He glared at me when I went up to dance. He pretended to be so drunk that he was falling asleep. But his colleague said he saw that he was glaring at me with his chin on his chest and was not that drunk or sleeping. And when I sat down he kept forcing me to kiss him.
He disappeared and I got worried that he might have decided to walk home on the main road seeing that he was being irrational and drunk.
Me and a different work mate found him out the front trying to get a whiskey barrel loose from a decorative sculpture. Punching and kicking them in a blind rage.
When he saw me he said "how did I end up with b^tch and a sl^t like you" He was drunk. And he shouted over and over.

bizi · Aug 07, 2018, 07:20 AM

how awful!
bizi

02:15 AM

We were out a local pub and Scotland were playing. They were going to lose by one goal. And Fred started bawling at the tv in the busy pub. You *****s, ****ing *****s and he started rolling the rr's and drawing it out "*rrrrrr r**s! And his friend told him to stop making a scene. And Fred carried on screaming at the t.v. I said please calm down. And in the end his friend grabbed him and said :this is my local and you are going too far and making a fool of us as well as yourself. And he seen sense. His friend was quiet for a bit and seemed lost in thought so people assured him that if he hadn't done something that someone else would have and another joked that his girlfriend was ready to give him tongue soup anyway.
It's ok to be passionate, and patriotic. There was no need to lose control. He would always forget himself and where he was. He would see red. How else could I explain it. He must have just been that kind of person who would see red.

02:26 AM

Fred started be-littling me again when we moved in together. I thought he had grown up and changed . I put it down to him being stressed or because the boys at work had been winding him up. Both were probably true.
He spoke Like a little school boy. One that sticks in my memory was : ooohweeohhh girl powa, I'm going to change into ... any day now.
I think we were maybe speaking about a girl that had work experience and Fred said she was delusional and only men are fit enough to carry the weight of the materials on a building site. And I just said his views were a bit draconian and you have to give them a chance.
Oohhh girl power, was a regular show stopper for Fred.
He would act so Jekyll and Hyde. He reminded me of an un well young man I met in hospital. He said I love you....and then try and be funny and call me .. honey bunny.. and then he would ruin it and say something ridiculous like even though you used to be a man and laugh and put his head down.

09:17 AM

He would put his sister's down all the time but his brothers were long suffering because of their wives. He would say that his sister would never ever be in a court room and be a proper solicitor. I said that she could be a legal secretary and that millions of graduates work in jobs that you wouldn't initially have guessed their degree would lead to.
Fred spoke to an old teacher and they just blew his head bigger than it all ready was. Saying that they wish they had gone down his route and had a trade. Kids are disrespectful, there's no discipline without the belt etc. everything we all knew. And a teacher said that Fred had more common sense than his sister. Why would he do that? His sister was highly strung and ambitious but he didn't have to pit Fred against someone in his own family and undermine her achievements. I knew who she was from school and everyone knew she was very intelligent.

The truth was that Fred wasn't happy with his job as a fabricator or in a timber yard. He wanted to be a mechanic, joiner, builder etc. They had more scope than being stuck in one place. They could do jobs of their own outside of work hours as long as they published their extra earning. Or in time you start your own business.
With both his jobs when I knew him, there was no extra hours, they were fixed. His sister said he could have done engineering at university. We all knew he felt he was selling himself short so she was trying to be encouraging. Even though Fred had nothing nice to say about her.

If Fred saw someone with a shirt and tie at Macdonalds drive through. He'd say typical executive, does nothing but work and eat c^ap food and will end up having a coronary .
When it was my grandfather s 80th he had his two pennies worth pop at my mum's family. What is he so full of himself for, look at his belly for a man in his twenties. And I didnt agree with him, even though the relative in question did say inappropriate things that were a result of his privileged background. Fred needed to grow up was all I thought.

09:18 AM

I was not just embarrassed when his work scrapped the Xmas night out. The following year Fred acted out when he was drunk and walked across the plants and decorations after someone "egged" him on. We didn't fall out. I shrugged it off because he was showing off. And then the "high spirits" incident. His work went to a restaurant opening and who ruined it ? Three in a row Fred.
When we were out with my old school pals up town after I bumped into her at her work, you messed it up again. A man was "chatting up" one of the girls and she had a partner. And Fred got militant and when you were picking a fight, you kept looking at me thinking I should be impressed and rooting for you, when I wasn't. Everyone crept away and we were left on our own.
But it wasn't your fault.of course. The man who flirted with the girl was a sleazy a^s ...So on..And so forth.

11:12 AM

Of course I was angry with my parents after my first year parents evening. My wall became even more enforced. I was getting average in English now. I scraped a 2. My writing in art was lack lustre. I wasn't good in art or p.e. or drama in primary school. They took confidence. I used to solve the extra math problems in primary. At high school it began to turn into mumbo jumbo as the years rolled on.
My father was livid I didn't take German. But I had never met my German family! And I never asked him about my family because he was so closed off himself. He ended up speaking about a d^mn raccoon drinking his juice on a golf course in America. Of course I wondered where my surname originated. My gran had early dementia I think when I started to see them on a Saturday. She just knitted away, quiet as a mouse.
The art was from my father. He gave me tips on how to paint, got the ball rolling. Not a master class exactly but how to mix colours by thickening the paint. A touch of water and keep adding and mixing. If I was happy I wouldn't have needed art. If I didn't feel like all everyone did was lie to me, I wouldn't have needed art. When I asked questions he deflected them and made jokes.
He would rather I was learning the periodic table, solving maths and physics problems and that I'd taken all three sciences. But my home was with my mum. My father was far too gone. I knew that. He never told me grans full name. I answered the phone and told her friend she must have the wrong number. And then I realised when I put the phone down and explained to my father. I had spent all these years, with my gran blending in like a ghost.
I never asked him about my grandfather because I didn't even know the truth about his life and his leg. He was secretive. I had been shown my grandfather's medals and military portrait.
My mum was secretive. And ignored my questions too. My gran and granda were repressed. House on fire called them blue nosed to their face. I'd never have done that.
Yes I passed many a period in English, just doodling or thinking of other things. I didn't realise I had this mental block. I just thought it was the way I was wired. I must be a kinetic thinker? Maybe I really am not that intelligent after all. Am I just too sensitive?

Aug 07, 2018, 11:33 AM

I would rather have been 100% sure. I didn't have the information I needed with me. And my mind drew a blank even though they told me stories referring to themselves as postman and his black and white cat. Thankfully I didn't phone. But when they said which one, there is two at that address? It threw me. And I realised when I got back to my car which one it was. But I got tied up with other business and decided that someone else would see to it.

11:44 AM

I knew that schizophrenic disorders would require medication. I knew that I needed mine for my issues.
But I couldn't believe that some people accepted a doctors prognosis saying a person had a string of mental illnesses. Of course if you have a serious mental illness you will at some point experience social anxiety,depression or OCD .
A dual diagnosis where I have had treatment is thought to be rare. When I hear people talk. So more?
I thought that if the person was well enough to have conversations and get information on their affliction that there was hope.
And from my experience keeping the mind in the moment, not getting stuck in your thoughts IS the way to go.

Aug 08, 2018, 11:53 AM

I believed that I must have a chemical imbalance.
But if diabetes type 2 could be kept in check with some with a controlled diet, there was maybe hope that bi-polar could be managed without resorting to medication. Especially when the medication is so strong and life altering. But I should have admitted that my ailment was not just like diabetes or depression.

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