An Audi TT

My English teacher said I was university material. And I remember I used to love writing stories in P2. It was effortless for me. Seven A4 pages for a seven year old in an hour and half at the most, was promising.
Like everything else in my life it was short lived and over before it even started.
A nurse said to me : not everyone is against you, you know. When the people who are supposed to guide you, nurture you and help you, simply fail. Then survival instincts, step in and you find a new way to cope with the pain. Or shut it out and dull your emotions. If you don't let it through you can't feel it's full intensity.
I feared my elders, where I should have trusted and respected them.
I was humiliated in front of the whole class. I could keep my home life as hushed as I could. But not this. This was something that I'm sure others will remember too.
My friend said to me you never get excited. But If something happened once, and I got grief for it, I set up my defences, instantly. Like Kafka' s castle. Nobody would penetrate my castle. They could try.

After my breakdown, I eventually admitted I needed to relax. David would say, chilled day today. Then be on his way back out to work. I felt miles better than pushing myself to do things. And I learned to not compare myself to others. And ignore my mum's moods.
I watched the extras and directors commentary on my favourite dvds. And realised that I was going to have to wait for the dust to settle before I even thought about what came next.
But filling my time wasn't all that hard. I did some cleaning, seen Fred a lot, met pals in pub on Fri, and went for a jog. Just did normal run of the mill things like getting stuck into books, films and music.

I tried to draw but it was too intricate for someone who had a major major major mother of all breakdowns. I needed to start small but time was of the essence. And I didn't have the space either. I would feel guilty for "sitting around the house all day" when it was really me needing to rest.
I turned down the art therapy because I thought it was based at the hospital, and I didn't want to be reminded of being really ill. That's why I refused.

I didn't want my brothers girlfriend to think I was a waste of space. I seen him hold her up to the wall one hand pinching her cheeks. I was taken by surprise by his angry outburst. But I didn't say a thing.I processed it later. I wouldn't have turned a blind eye before. Maybe I was desensitized from my experiences.

I apologise for turning down your kind gesture. I know you were trying to help.
I was like an addict in a way. Everyone around was just trying to be a saint or a martyr, get brownie points or a pat on the back. Nobody really cared for ME. It wasn't my best interests they had at heart.
Everyone just wanted to lock me in a gilded cage so I would never cause trouble again. And they wanted rid of my art because it belonged to a "bad" person and not in a school.

I came in and I was out of it.
I was un raveling for real.
I had been drinking.
Probably not slept more than
Two hours each night
For weeks on end.
Help on Fri night.
God I feel awful
For saying what effing tablets.
Just fire me !!
I was unbelievably sick.
The police should have
Arrested me and taken
Me to the ward.
How I escaped is anyone's guess.
And even in hospital
I didn't feel ill.
I spent most of my years
Dampened down, not feeling
My feelings, with any intensity.
That I wasn't frightened
By the disturbances,
Where my world was
Once black and white,
Now there was colour.
Everything was flowing
Thick and fast.
May as well enjoy it.
Because I wasn't going
To be around much longer.
This would never last,
Like everything else in my life.
My self destruction
Had flicked a switch.
And this illness wouldn't
Even let me realise
I was detained under
The mental health act.
Which meant I was
In need of urgent
Medical intervention.
I wasn't sick.
I was once blind
And now I could see.
I was allowed home
After a month. But
That only meant
I Was well enough
To not be in hospital.

My step family never had anything nice to say about me. David couldn't be happy that brains would suffice. No people with brains don't have common sense. End of story.
My parents grounded me. They never ever took my side when I fell out with a friend or fought with someone. I only reacted to other people and never started a fight in my life. It was dark and I was taking out puppy Sam a walk. I was upset and crying and whispering it's so unfair. And once I calmed down returned to my usual composure.
Turns out that my aunt and a friend spotted me somehow, when they looked out the curtains. So they told everyone I was speaking to myself. That wasn't quite the case. Talking aloud while distressed was a better description. Even though it was dark it made no difference but I was 8 at most. I wasn't a blood relative so I never expected to be treated as such. There was nothing wrong with them or me, just family dynamics.
I knew my father and all his side but I didn't need a proper relationship with them. We were acquainted that was fine. I got to know my father and I did speak to some on his side and visited along with him. But obviously I felt distant from them. I was accomplished at school and shy so they took me how I was. I didn't go to London because when they visited the girls didn't even introduce themselves. I would get asked what I wanted to be after school. And I had never spent more than half a day with my father. It was daunting. And after the abuse I got for the martial arts shoes, there wasn't any point in complicating matters if they even let me go.

But David did do his best to treat me and my brother the same. And he was honest and would tell us stories back yonder.
He told us why he wasn't comfortable with showing emotion. His dad found it hard and so he did too. One time, his dad drowned puppies when he was young . It was a common thing then and acceptable as they were just mongrels and not worth anything. They couldn't afford to keep them so it made sense. There wouldn't have been an animal shelter nearby back then.
He stopped playing football because someone picked on his shoes.

When my mum turned my grand parents against me, I couldn't do a thing about it. Whatever my mum said was gospel. Of course I was the liar, I was just a teenager. I have a hard time convincing myself I am not that defenceless youngster anymore. I don't have to resort to the things I did back then. But I still think why why why

How's the mileage in that TT?. Is it 'Vert?. Color?. How much?.

I wanna buy da dam thing to rid you of your burden.
They take it to the junkyard and watch the 100T press do her thing. Cool?.
Don't leave any personals behind, please.

Once upon a time, a friend was constantly complaing about his yunky car.
Someone paid a woman to distract him, and burned the hell out of it.
It happened to have two airline tickets to fly to NY inside. Round trip.

Someone was counting on giving his friend 1k for a new car. Not to pay 452 extra for the favor.

Where I live, it's not a melting pot of different cultures. If there's one thing I could blame my surroundings for it would be telling my propensity to tell jokes that were politically incorrect. I was young too. Every joke I told I had heard from my family and friends. And sometimes if you can't beat them, you may as well join them. I was young and thought I had nothing to lose.

I didn't say what I wanted to be after school because, one : my mum laughed at me when I did an assignment on what you want to be in the future .
Two: my father would have told everyone if I said what I hoped to be because he was unemployed, and never had anyone else the whole time I knew him and I didn't want that pressure hanging over my head. It would have been no thanks to him if I did succeed. Health before wealth he would say. Heart before wealth works better for me.

I only kept the higher going because a friend convinced me that I had to "keep My brain ticking over" . Don't give up yet they insisted.
At the launderette they didn't know about the hospital so I was a bit of a conundrum. To be honest If they did know, they would still have told me to try again and go back to school. They found out in time like every where else.
I swore I would never let life beat me down like my father. If my mum had told me that he didn't even come and see me being born because he wanted a boy then I'd have refused to see him. But my mum had never read Uncle Frank's letters in the study.
Then at the tender age of 18 I had a breakdown and was placed on suicide watch. My life was built on sand. It was going to happen at some point, that switch just needed a small flick.
Nothing was ever normal in my life anyway. I was naive to believe I was exceptional so I wouldn't be like my mum or gran or father.

Forcing myself to be nice
Nobody likes to be
Sloppy seconds.
I like your jumper
Said witches of East wick
So you hid it and
I lost it. Ruining the trip for me.
I understand, three.
And yoghurt fruit flakes.
Some people would
Say I got my just desserts.

It was my decision to keep my distance from my new friends. My new friends never wanted to do much I toughr.They called on me, and I made up excuses to stay in and watch films instead of pointlessly wandering the streets. One of my pals said she would rather be bored with her friends when I went out more.
I had done things of the same nature that upset other people the way you upset me. But girls show off like boys. Especially as teens. With my parents I was bound to rebel at some point.
I had no business being so passive aggressive with you. You had grown up and were genuinely pleasant to me. I feel awful because you probably picked up that I was hostile for a reason.
I don't need to say I was messed up and heading into rehab. Don't pay attention to a word I said at the time. And I wish you all best for starting a family if you haven't all ready. Goodbye.

I understand that my mood disorder does share similar traits with other conditions. And I was arrogant to think that nobody thought I needed sort myself out. I sure to god did. And you offered me the opportunity to switch departments. And while at the launderette sometimes I would say that I didn't know how good I had it at my first proper job after helping at gym classes. I was indeed erratic and probably self medicating the whole time.

It was my granny that told me why a 5 year old me had a You have been framed worthy moment. My father was teasing me, thinking it was amusing. In the aftermath of a wedding and someone caught it all on camera. Lucky me.
My Gran and Grandad didn't like my father. If he hadn't been in the army I doubt he would have got their blessing. Even then they reluctantly agreed. He looked happy in the wedding photos to my mum though. And I can only remember him when he got back in touch, out of the blue it felt like to me. I didn't go the first few times, I ran back inside in tears.
And my mum shouted at him like a maniac when he came to the door. So I had to look out for his car every second Saturday. Soon enough my parents were still in bed with hangovers and I was the only one up on a Saturday morning.
The only time my father got angry with me was when I did French. And we had German family. I had only seen photos of them. I didn't mind seeing my father because he never once raised his voice. And at home, it couldn't have been more different. I was afraid to sneeze too loud at home. And I honestly felt like my mums hate for my father was unintentionally pased on to me. She would look at the obituaries hoping he had passed away my mum would say.

When we were out bowling one time. And we went into town to get food and a taxi. And Fred was wound up from arm wrestling someone. He was drunk and kept telling the man he was cheating and we all thought he was going to leap over the counter and hit the man. My friends decided to walk home. And Fred plucked from the air: we have sex about twice in four months. And he wouldn't quit. I said I don't want to come home with you and he tripped me up and pushed me over on the road. And said if I didnt he would tell my mummy and daddy and I would have a nice holiday in ward four. So I grabbed his phone and almost threw it into a garden centre. At the last minute I gave it back to him. I never fought in public with Fred after that.
ATM you could have been asked to do Jeremy Kyle. My husband was stolen by a teenager who has slept with more men than I have eaten hot dinners. At least I feel some shame and regret. Loudmouth bas^tard.

Fred was tired because he did not relax. It was not sex! I had to concoct a story that because I had been on the contraceptive pill for so many years, I had to take a break. And what do I find a day later when putting Freds washing away that wasn't there before : condoms.
He genuinely used to say: I can sleep when I am dead. He really adopted that philosophy. He thought it was funny that his work mate thought he was so pasty and tired because I couldn't get enough of him and kept him awake or disturbed his sleep . I hope you corrected him I asked. And he just said nothing. Got up and said he had to clean the fish tank.

I have a sneaky suspicion that his young girlfriend only stayed with him to uphold her honour and her families. She had to say that it was the real thing and she did love him. A fling would not be tolerated by her family. She was still in school!! They may have questioned did he "groom" her if she did not say she thought it was love.

I wasn't given dinner money. My brother was. I had to go home. Fred had a big family. What was my mum's excuse? I would say I only go home so I can spend money on other things. And one half of the crowd I tagged along with didn't warm to me that well saying I was "brainy"

There was no middle ground for me. Tempers flared at mum and David's. Passive aggression with my father. My father completely ignoring life, reality and responsibility. I needed physical things like clothes, food and shelter. Mum and David making it clear nothing comes for free. You have to work for every penny. That my room didn't actually belong to me, they worked to pay for it. My father couldn't face the truth. He didn't care for himself so how could he care for me. It was me who was the adult. The army had ruined his life. His own brothers in arms broke his leg on purpose! You can go scuba diving but you can't get a part time job?

I wasn't the strong one like my brother said on new years day 2012 when grandad passed away. It was my brother who was the normal one. He expressed his emotions the way he was meant to unlike his dad and Granda. And his nan and aunt thought the world of him for being emotional. It was me who wasn't in touch with my emotions. But when your hamsters died mum comforted you. Me and mum didn't have that. It would have been selfish of me to try and enforce the way I was practically neglected compared to you. I told Fred. But telling the doctors who have a permanent record of every session. I couldn't do it. The nurses said I could say that I would never get better going home because I was subjected to really bad verbal abuse, of a violent nature and there was no need to be specific. Part of the reason I was there was because I thought no one would believe me.

Nan said when I admitted at 24 that I was maybe jealous of my brother because it was just me and mum for a spell when she left my father. I told her that my mum went out partying while my father looked after me before she left. I didn't say anything about dinner money or clothes or phone contracts. The bike confession was ignored. And I knew that my nan gave my brother money all the time. But I wasn't a blood relative so It was just the way it was. Me and my brother were too different. I was brains, shy and he was outgoing and practical. My brother wasn't just my mum's favourite. I felt bad enough telling my nan about my brother getting a bike costing over double mine at Xmas. I wish I had never told them.
I only did it because I was set to never come back to my old town.
My brother had nothing to do with my unresolved anger or depression. Where do I start? Like the first time, in hospital opening up memories was not what I needed at the time. I felt it was impossoble to bury the hatchet. I was too old then to try and mend things. But if a victim can forgive a perpetrator for sexual assault or other crimes then I can forgive my mum for extreme favouritism. And I need to put my issues in perspective. And It was easier for me to see why David was just trying to be tough than understanding my mums motives for making me feel an inch tall my entire childhood. She told my uncle's family she had a hard life so why did she make mine so difficult? The circle isn't easy to identify when you are inside it. It takes an outsider to save you. There is always suicide. I would have been a good mum if I stayed with Fred. I really would. I would got a therapist. I would have never drunk. I would have taken cooking classes. If I got mad I would say sorry and get them a token.of appreciation. I'd never have been like my mum or my father.

It was my last week and I said to a work colleague: you reminded me of my mum there. But It was in a good way I promise. Sometimes my mum did try. Sometimes.
It made me think that I knew what I had to do. I had to bury the hatchet. As you only get one mum. My friend told me that in high school.
Patience is virtue, my gran always said. Never in a man. It's seldom in a man gran, trust you to change the words. I was going to have to have to be a very patient, patient. A long way to happy.

I got a copy of the Catcher in the Rye. I read it on my way to a competition. It was the first classic I read that I thought I wish I had wrote this.
I had to leave at the time. That wasn't to say I ignored or forgot anything . On the contrary. I never gave up.

I had to come past to let you know I was sorry for the pulling faces incident. And hoodies just need a hug. I added the hoodies bit.
I hadn't been drinking. I just decided I would try and make the boss laugh. You were so sombre with me most of the time.
After my breakdown I think I never went to that supermarket for years.

Hey! What you doing now? Nothing exciting just now. So where are you working? Who are you working for? I'm not working. What you doing then ? What else are you up to? What are you doing if your not working? ...judo I have a job for you. Lucky save. This wasn't long after hospital. I'm not sure I would have tried to get back on the horse so soon if I thought people wouldn't look down on me for taking time out. But you were just being friendly and I was being evasive. You weren't to know. And it was nice that someone was interested in what I was up to.

Maybe my nan doing a psychology class at college was something she had always wanted to because she was planning to retire soon.
I said that she wanted to see if I could be fixed. Or they were just like my parents and would pin the whole blame on me so everyone could be exempt from any guilt. It was just me who was faulty. I didn't need to get away from those who were around me. They wanted to reassure everyone that I was "a bad egg." Case closed. That was my thinking at the time.
I'm sorry for catastraphising. I used to give everyone the benefit of the doubt. But after everything that had happened, I was still too hasty in making that call.