[Blueberrybook]

I'm depressed over yesterday. H was off work yesterday to rest, but we ended up spending most of the day discussing finances and our marriage. The divorce word came up a lot, though this morning he said he did not want to break up our family, just mostly am he is worried I would break down if we lose the house & not keep it together for our daughter and wishes I would and could bring income into this marriage.

He wishes I were a better housekeeper. So do I but I don't think he understands bipolar I that is mixed (horrible), panic disorder, PTSD, ED, possibly ADHD. I am a walking DSM.

He told me not to jog any more and that is the solution people without EDs see. Just stop the exercise. But if I stop that, I will do something else, SH, not eat, make myself throw up, end up even worse off. But I need to stop. I am going to have to devote myself to this & I need to do it now. 96 lb. on the scale this morning, and that was after a glass of water & cup of coffee. So bad. Some of it is dehydration, I know, but not all of it. I want him to understand how hard ED recovery is, especially when the type I have looks like you can just decide to quit and quite cold turkey.

I can't be much better at cleaning the house, at anything, until my weight is up though I am not sure H understands the horrible fatigue giving up an ED (even one where you are eating, just exercising too) much causes as well. Probably not as bad, but from experience, I know it it very exhausting. It's like you suddenly stop, let your body absorb all those miles run at once. Well, that was me the first time around and hopefully won't be me again soon. My relapse in 2015 was just not eating enough and was after a sexual abuse incident at massage parlor, and I hadn't made it a way of life, connected with it much, I just now know I had it from looking at pictures taken back then.

It's a choice I have to make to save my family, but God is it hard. And we still probably will lose the house. I think the emergency psych ER and the CPS case really did it for H. Plus, he is already depressed over his mom's death in late December, a rift between his sister that now makes a rift with his dad as his sister moved him to take care of FIL, and FIL puts all phone calls on speakerphone (we had planned to move out there to help FIL, and H's sister just took over). His sister is married, and they have a house with a 2nd mortgage. She has mental issues but can work as she has worked full time until recently. Then, she quit her job, supposededly to take care of FIL, but I don't know; H gets the impression she is sleeping until 1 PM and feeding FIL one big takeout meal daily, which is not good since he has diabetes type II.

H was told by Lamar University he wouldn't get the teaching position they practically promised, and he so desperately wants to teach at university level and be able to research. Yesterday, was a breaking point. But I've thought about it too. Divorce. Maybe in name only and stay here or just move away. I am not a good mom, or rather, I could be better and not flip out over small stuff like a 10 minute late bedtime. I have promised to work on all these things, but I somehow have to let him know the ED goes first alone with trying to build some sort of relationship again with my daughter (hard because she is into playing lots of video games I don't understand) will have to be put ahead of house-cleaning. It's been rough even making these decisions, that I have absolutely got to get rid of the ED & improve other things as well. I'm wiped today. And the financial worries don't go away.

I actually called & rescheduled my rheumotologist appt for tomorrow (fibro) to next month. Too afraid of doc scale reaction.

Sorry to hear about your struggles

Are you willing to go to some sort of ED clinic? But besides that, maybe you can do a marriage counseor? That could help you both with your own stressors, and that can help your husband understand the ED issue

Not sure what to say about the divorce piece except that maybe marriage counseling will help there too?

[tecomsin]

This must be very stressful also for your husband. You have a lot on your plate. Did cps dismiss the case?

[Blueberrybook]

We think CPS will dismiss the case. The last time I talked to the caseworker, she sounded like it would be dismissed, needed approval by her supervisor first though.

There is no way I could do an ED clinic, not if I want to keep our marriage together, and there is no time we could even find to go to marriage counseling. Ugh. He says he loves me, but then he puts finances all the financial worries first. And we have had financial issues so long. It is like you cannot even write the type of bad luck we've had over the years. I know we got I daughter, and she is a blessing but too young to be left on her own, and no one we know to watch her.

I will fight as much as I can to keep this together. I don't think H really wants a divorce, more like damage control for a future he sees coming and how it would impact our daughter. The problem now is that I've grown so distant from my daughter, I just don't know how to put it back together. I will suggest things we can do together, she won't want to do them, and we have no money, so that makes it even harder. Libraries around here typically do adult programs on Saturdays, not kids' and are closed on Sunday.

So I don't know what the future holds. Both H & I are so depressed. I think H might be bad enough he has clinical depression now that, yes, is highly situational, but he doesn't want to admit it. H & I were so wiped out this morning from yesterday. I still am. My whole body just wants sleep, and I will try that after posting because I am just so tired too. And yes, this financial situation has weighed so heavily upon me this entire marriage, I hate that I can't work, but I just can't. It all just sucks.

[Wild Coyote]

Bipolar and additional conditions can place a lot of stress on marriages.
You both may benefit from couples counseling.

I can relate to the many issues/problems.

I hope you can work things out.


WC

I'm so sorry for your trouble rn. Has he thought about teaching at Lamar port Arthur or orange?( I just moved from that area that's how I know my pdoc is still there) have you tried a work from home position? I'm not aware of your situation but that could help if you're able too. I'm also sorry about your daughter, my son is into video games as well. I just keep reminding him that God loves him and I love him and use positive reinforcement. With your husband just keep reminding him of how much you love him and you're doing your best. Financial worries exacerbate everything, I've been there. I'll definitely keep you and your family in my prayers. Sending good vibes your way.

[Victoria'smom]

My ED has almost broke my marriage up more times then I can count. Could you walk instead of running? Bring a shake instead of water? I know how hard it is but if you don’t gain weight fast then you’ll end up in the hospital or worse. What is your favorite food? Can you eat a bowl of oatmeal before you go for your walk? What about waiting until your daughter is home and taking a walk with her? It’ll let her decompress her day and prevent you from actually running.

I know it’s weird but try to get her (and you) into magic the gathering. Starter deck packs are around $20 at your local game store. It’s a card game with nice art and strategy great for gamers. Make her help cook. It lets you have time to teach her how to eat healthy and can take your mind off the calories. Do you all eat at the table? If not I would start. Serve yourself at least as much as you serve your daughter. This prevents you from under serving yourself. Look for a pottery place or a paint your own pottery store. We use to go and spend the whole day painting a tile it cost us $4 each. I know I’m giving you money ideas and your negative $ right now but I have no free ideas.

As for you working have you looked into homeschool co-ops? Teaching at them can easily make you $30-$50+/hour for one 4-5 hr day. It usually starts at 9-10am and lasts till 2-3 pm during the school year. My husband is on the cheap side and he makes $31 per hr per co-op. However he still has to provide everything that is needed. It’s too late for this semester but put your feelers out for next semester. Look into tutoring homeschoolers. It would be while your daughter was in school and you can make good money and be flexible. Texas has a huge home school community. It doesn’t require you to homeschool either.

My husband and I use to have these cards called 52 wks of romance. It’s not available now. We would each pick one and do that for the person if we really didn’t like the idea we would throw that card away and pick a different one. We would save the ones we did so we could reuse them again after we were out of the scratch off ones. It was just nice to show your appreciation for one another (warning it did have sexual suggestions at times). Remember he is your best friend first. Other than telling your best friend to leave the situation (because you can’t control who they are with) What would you do for that friend to make their life easier if their partner was being crappy? Then do that for your husband.

One of my friends work for VIPKID Teacher'''s Portal .

[Movingon69]

I know it is easy for people to give advise when they are not in your shoes. But, maybe an ED clinic would help your marriage. He might see how serious you are about recovery and if you came out better you'd be able to address the issues you sited that are caused by the ED.

If he says he loves you he does. Sometimes financial issues cause a man to feel like he isn't being a good provider. lt may be compounding the depression you recognize in him.

I strongly believe in marital counseling, as it recently helped us. My H had EVERY reason to leave even if he brought baggage to the marriage. But, on top of that if he is dealing with depressioin like you say it could help him deal with it and put him in a better frame of mind to look at your issues. HUGS

[Movingon69]

Originally Posted by Miguel'smom

My ED has almost broke my marriage up more times then I can count. Could you walk instead of running? Bring a shake instead of water? I know how hard it is but if you don’t gain weight fast then you’ll end up in the hospital or worse. What is your favorite food? Can you eat a bowl of oatmeal before you go for your walk? What about waiting until your daughter is home and taking a walk with her? It’ll let her decompress her day and prevent you from actually running.

I know it’s weird but try to get her (and you) into magic the gathering. Starter deck packs are around $20 at your local game store. It’s a card game with nice art and strategy great for gamers. Make her help cook. It lets you have time to teach her how to eat healthy and can take your mind off the calories. Do you all eat at the table? If not I would start. Serve yourself at least as much as you serve your daughter. This prevents you from under serving yourself. Look for a pottery place or a paint your own pottery store. We use to go and spend the whole day painting a tile it cost us $4 each. I know I’m giving you money ideas and your negative $ right now but I have no free ideas.

As for you working have you looked into homeschool co-ops? Teaching at them can easily make you $30-$50+/hour for one 4-5 hr day. It usually starts at 9-10am and lasts till 2-3 pm during the school year. My husband is on the cheap side and he makes $31 per hr per co-op. However he still has to provide everything that is needed. It’s too late for this semester but put your feelers out for next semester. Look into tutoring homeschoolers. It would be while your daughter was in school and you can make good money and be flexible. Texas has a huge home school community. It doesn’t require you to homeschool either.

My husband and I use to have these cards called 52 wks of romance. It’s not available now. We would each pick one and do that for the person if we really didn’t like the idea we would throw that card away and pick a different one. We would save the ones we did so we could reuse them again after we were out of the scratch off ones. It was just nice to show your appreciation for one another (warning it did have sexual suggestions at times). Remember he is your best friend first. Other than telling your best friend to leave the situation (because you can’t control who they are with) What would you do for that friend to make their life easier if their partner was being crappy? Then do that for your husband.

Such good advice from someone who really understands.

[Blueberrybook]

Originally Posted by Miguel'smom

My ED has almost broke my marriage up more times then I can count. Could you walk instead of running? Bring a shake instead of water? I know how hard it is but if you don’t gain weight fast then you’ll end up in the hospital or worse. What is your favorite food? Can you eat a bowl of oatmeal before you go for your walk? What about waiting until your daughter is home and taking a walk with her? It’ll let her decompress her day and prevent you from actually running.

I know it’s weird but try to get her (and you) into magic the gathering. Starter deck packs are around $20 at your local game store. It’s a card game with nice art and strategy great for gamers. Make her help cook. It lets you have time to teach her how to eat healthy and can take your mind off the calories. Do you all eat at the table? If not I would start. Serve yourself at least as much as you serve your daughter. This prevents you from under serving yourself. Look for a pottery place or a paint your own pottery store. We use to go and spend the whole day painting a tile it cost us $4 each. I know I’m giving you money ideas and your negative $ right now but I have no free ideas.

As for you working have you looked into homeschool co-ops? Teaching at them can easily make you $30-$50+/hour for one 4-5 hr day. It usually starts at 9-10am and lasts till 2-3 pm during the school year. My husband is on the cheap side and he makes $31 per hr per co-op. However he still has to provide everything that is needed. It’s too late for this semester but put your feelers out for next semester. Look into tutoring homeschoolers. It would be while your daughter was in school and you can make good money and be flexible. Texas has a huge home school community. It doesn’t require you to homeschool either.

My husband and I use to have these cards called 52 wks of romance. It’s not available now. We would each pick one and do that for the person if we really didn’t like the idea we would throw that card away and pick a different one. We would save the ones we did so we could reuse them again after we were out of the scratch off ones. It was just nice to show your appreciation for one another (warning it did have sexual suggestions at times). Remember he is your best friend first. Other than telling your best friend to leave the situation (because you can’t control who they are with) What would you do for that friend to make their life easier if their partner was being crappy? Then do that for your husband.

One of my friends work for VIPKID Teacher'''s Portal .

I'm actually surprised my ED has had as little fallout as it had. I was the worst in college; H never saw that. Yes, I always did exercise a lot, belonged to the gym when we had money, but that was actually good; I'd get into weightlifting, drink the protein shakes and gain a lot of muscle (above my set point weight post-ED, the same as post-pregnancy). I got really bad in 2015, didn't eat much but there was an SA incident, and somehow I got myself out of that one.

This one, I think, I think if I catch myself now, I can stop before I hit the bottom low. And I'm not restricting nearly as much as I used to. Meals with my family, I eat normally. Some days I snack, some I don't. But I do need to turn running into walking or just stop altogether for awhile now. Because I would tell any other woman in my position "Stop hurting your body!"

I guess H views I can still do stuff and not how much easier things are (even just doing daily chores like laundry) when I weigh more and don't obsess over it. The long jogging really is bad, and if I do it too late, I really could get heatstroke. Long jogging led me into restricting foods, labeling foods good or bad, but because of all the exercise I was lucky in that I was still eating, so I didn't go through refeeding syndrome.

Now, I just have to stop/slow the exercise into something else as hard as it is. H sees I go jogging so I must have a ton of energy and be strong, but I actually have to force myself or I worry about getting too fat. When I am healthy, I do jog and have found a happy medium around 3, 3.5 miles, normal for many joggers. Just right now I can't make myself stop at a healthy place, and I get so lost in my head jogging, I think now I spend nearly all of it dissociating. So not healthy on any level.

I see the T again on Friday, and hopefully she will help me with trying to find good coping strategies and ways to help our marriage. I did have to work really hard not to lose patience with my daughter, but considering she just started her first menstrual cycle ever, and she was extra moody/teary/grouchy, I held my tongue when I really wanted her homework done before dinner. She promised she would do it after dinner, and she is. And I didn't run today, so that's something.

I need to drink protein shakes, but ugh, I bought some chocolate protein powder, mixed it in a shake with milk and it was so gross. And that was one of the middle priced brands, some people rated it good, some just OK, not great but works (I guess by that they mean it helps you put on muscle). I think I am going to have to find the money somewhere to spend on the pricey stuff I used back when I did weightlifting because at least it did not taste disgusting, and I can see myself drinking that a couple times a day, ideally 3, but 2 is a good first goal. I know they sell it at a store not too far from where I live though I might price compare; Amazon could be cheaper.

The good thing about the ED is if I stop now, I am not too far gone, and it should be easier to recover and regain weight. Because even 5 lb. goes a long way toward making me feel better, though I know I need to gain more than 5 lb., but it's just I know even 5 lb. would increase my stamina a lot. I do not do good when I weigh so low.

One day at a time. I'm going to try to clean 1 bathroom tomorrow too, the master bathroom. It's not as bad as it sounds as it is our smaller bathroom. I don't think they even built master bathrooms into these houses from the 1960s. I feel like it was probably something a past owner put in, either for convenience or to help sell if he invested in properties. So it is very small and should be a do-able goal.

[Tucson]

I am happy you are thinking the way you are as you did in your previous post. There is now more to be hopeful about. All you need to do is make this in terms that can be used on a to-do list which I see you are doing. You have received some support here and a few good ideas.

As far as eating goes, you may want to try Ensure. I think people can live off of the stuff. I am using caesine protien powder. Its effects last much longer than whey powder. The whey powder spikes early. I can post the name, and cost. It is available on Amazon. I use it in yogurt smoothies. It does taste a bit chalky, but I find this to be very manageable. You also can make a small ice cream shake instead of a yogurt smoothie. You can get the inexpensive ice cream for this, the one that comes in a tub. Inexpensive chocolate syrup can make it taste better. I have other things to say but not at this time.

I wish the best for you. You are capable of getting tgrough this. At this time you just not know in what shape your life will be in. But I am sure you can deal with whatever happens. All you can do is put your best effort into this, and I think you should include your husband in on your plans. He can help by giving you ideas. Opportunities for you two working together is a good thing. Also you would be showing him that you are trying very much to make this work for both of your lives together.

As far as your daughter goes, IMO all she needs to know is that you are there for her. Spend some time with her even if this is just watching her play her video games. I did this with my daughter. JMHO

PS PM me anytime. I will prove that I can be a good listener.

[MistressStayc]

My son is heavily into video games and I am so not a gamer but I still converse with him about them and ask questions so I can learn. I even play some games with him even though I am horrible at them, lol. He takes pity of me and tries to find games I can play because he wants to hang out with Mommy. I bet your daughter would do the same and save the harder ones for Daddy like my son does....our kids are about the same age and sound similar in many ways. They really just want someone to be interested in them and what they are doing. Showing that interest goes a long way even if we have to fake it, lol.

[Movingon69]

Originally Posted by Tucson

I am happy you are thinking the way you are as you did in your previous post. There is now more to be hopeful about. All you need to do is make this in terms that can be used on a to-do list which I see you are doing. You have received some support here and a few good ideas.

As far as eating goes, you may want to try Ensure. I think people can live off of the stuff. I am using caesine protien powder. Its effects last much longer than whey powder. The whey powder spikes early. I can post the name, and cost. It is available on Amazon. I use it in yogurt smoothies. It does taste a bit chalky, but I find this to be very manageable. You also can make a small ice cream shake instead of a yogurt smoothie. You can get the inexpensive ice cream for this, the one that comes in a tub. Inexpensive chocolate syrup can make it taste better. I have other things to say but not at this time.

I wish the best for you. You are capable of getting tgrough this. At this time you just not know in what shape your life will be in. But I am sure you can deal with whatever happens. All you can do is put your best effort into this, and I think you should include your husband in on your plans. He can help by giving you ideas. Opportunities for you two working together is a good thing. Also you would be showing him that you are trying very much to make this work for both of your lives together.

As far as your daughter goes, IMO all she needs to know is that you are there for her. Spend some time with her even if this is just watching her play her video games. I did this with my daughter. JMHO

PS PM me anytime. I will prove that I can be a good listener.

I agree with so much you have said. When I am having a severe Crohn's flare (unable to keep anything down, more than 30 episodes of diarreah a day, and losing weight) I live off Ensure. I've also had a feeding tube put in when that doesn't work and that is NO FUN.

[Blueberrybook]

Ugh, yeah. But the I truly am sick of Ensure from my previous experience with it. Also, it too gets expensive. I will try to use the protein powders. Failing that, I think I used the Slimfast shakes between meals (not as meals) too. They might have less protein or calories from the other shakes. They used to sell Slimfast in a powdered form, so I would mix that with milk. But I am not sure if the powdered version still exists. I tried the protein powder I got mixed with water instead of milk (really I thought those things could be mixed with either water or milk); this one says water on the directions and still - gag!

No running today. No exercise except cleaning the master bathroom and working on the soap scum in my daughter’s tub. I have to continue that tomorrow. But I managed a little vacuuming too.

It is getting hard to go with no exercise. Maybe walking tomorrow morning I am thinking. I feel horribly fat and guilty, and it has only been a couple days. I really hate this stage of ED recovery. Hopefully, it won’t be like my last recovery, where I overshot my set point weight by 10 lb before my weight got to a set point. It was lower the my high school weight, but IDK, after breastfeeding it settled there again (couldn’t keep weight on while nursing), so who knows? But I hope maybe starting sooner rather than later on this will make it easier in the long run. Though I really wish I could continue running.

Seeing T again tomorrow. She is not an ED T, but really, I have heard the ED stuff before, echoed it myself. I need to see if our insurance covers a dietician. I know they have one at the multi-spceiality clinic next to my PCP. But she might not do ED stuff, more like managing diets for heart disease, etc. The good thing is the T is close. Having no commute helps a lot. I don’t think she does marriage counseling though.

I hope H does see some ways past our financial difficulties. He flat out said my not working would not be a burden if he made better pay and we had better medical insurance. He has told me he is going to take a week or 2 then start emailing contacts from his old jobs. And I think JSC (Johnson Space Center) may have some funding again, which means there could be openings for research again with NASA contractors. We really hope not to move. The other outpostings for Lamar are only 2 year colleges, which means they tend to hire adjunct professors, usually just with a Masters. H could get an adjunct job here (San Jacinto College) is a ten minute drive away though I don’t think he would have the energy to teach high school all day, then work as an adjunct 3 to 5 days a week. The pay is horrible. One of H’s friends here teaches math as a adjunct at San Jac, and he hasn’t earned enough pay to move out of his mother’s house, though to be fair, he may spend a good deal of his pay on gaming. H looked at teaching at Lee College, but I think it’s all adjunct stuff again, which adds up to much less than what high school teachers earn.

I don’t know. I hope H’s mindset improves. He is worried about his father too. Since his dad is out in California, H hasn’t seen him since his mom’s funeral last December. And after that, things just got so bad for us financially, just worse and worse, cars breaking down, huge AC repair bills, a perforated ulcer, you cannot even write this much bad luck. Hopefully, a contact of H will know something.

Until, we just keep going on a day at a time.

[Movingon69]

Originally Posted by Blueberrybook

I'm actually surprised my ED has had as little fallout as it had. I was the worst in college; H never saw that. Yes, I always did exercise a lot, belonged to the gym when we had money, but that was actually good; I'd get into weightlifting, drink the protein shakes and gain a lot of muscle (above my set point weight post-ED, the same as post-pregnancy). I got really bad in 2015, didn't eat much but there was an SA incident, and somehow I got myself out of that one.

This one, I think, I think if I catch myself now, I can stop before I hit the bottom low. And I'm not restricting nearly as much as I used to. Meals with my family, I eat normally. Some days I snack, some I don't. But I do need to turn running into walking or just stop altogether for awhile now. Because I would tell any other woman in my position "Stop hurting your body!"

I guess H views I can still do stuff and not how much easier things are (even just doing daily chores like laundry) when I weigh more and don't obsess over it. The long jogging really is bad, and if I do it too late, I really could get heatstroke. Long jogging led me into restricting foods, labeling foods good or bad, but because of all the exercise I was lucky in that I was still eating, so I didn't go through refeeding syndrome.

Now, I just have to stop/slow the exercise into something else as hard as it is. H sees I go jogging so I must have a ton of energy and be strong, but I actually have to force myself or I worry about getting too fat. When I am healthy, I do jog and have found a happy medium around 3, 3.5 miles, normal for many joggers. Just right now I can't make myself stop at a healthy place, and I get so lost in my head jogging, I think now I spend nearly all of it dissociating. So not healthy on any level.

I see the T again on Friday, and hopefully she will help me with trying to find good coping strategies and ways to help our marriage. I did have to work really hard not to lose patience with my daughter, but considering she just started her first menstrual cycle ever, and she was extra moody/teary/grouchy, I held my tongue when I really wanted her homework done before dinner. She promised she would do it after dinner, and she is. And I didn't run today, so that's something.

I need to drink protein shakes, but ugh, I bought some chocolate protein powder, mixed it in a shake with milk and it was so gross. And that was one of the middle priced brands, some people rated it good, some just OK, not great but works (I guess by that they mean it helps you put on muscle). I think I am going to have to find the money somewhere to spend on the pricey stuff I used back when I did weightlifting because at least it did not taste disgusting, and I can see myself drinking that a couple times a day, ideally 3, but 2 is a good first goal. I know they sell it at a store not too far from where I live though I might price compare; Amazon could be cheaper.

The good thing about the ED is if I stop now, I am not too far gone, and it should be easier to recover and regain weight. Because even 5 lb. goes a long way toward making me feel better, though I know I need to gain more than 5 lb., but it's just I know even 5 lb. would increase my stamina a lot. I do not do good when I weigh so low.

One day at a time. I'm going to try to clean 1 bathroom tomorrow too, the master bathroom. It's not as bad as it sounds as it is our smaller bathroom. I don't think they even built master bathrooms into these houses from the 1960s. I feel like it was probably something a past owner put in, either for convenience or to help sell if he invested in properties. So it is very small and should be a do-able goal.

I use IdeaLean (it is not a weight loss supplement) and I love the taste of it. I use Almond milk because I can't drink milk. It is so good when I put it in my coffee after mixing it with a bit of almond milk I don't have to put sweetener in it. I have used chocolate, mocha caramel, peaches and cream, and Apple Pie. All are good but Apple Pie is my least favorite. Sometimes I put fuit in the chocolate and peaches.

[Movingon69]

Originally Posted by Blueberrybook

Ugh, yeah. But the I truly am sick of Ensure from my previous experience with it. Also, it too gets expensive. I will try to use the protein powders. Failing that, I think I used the Slimfast shakes between meals (not as meals) too. They might have less protein or calories from the other shakes. They used to sell Slimfast in a powdered form, so I would mix that with milk. But I am not sure if the powdered version still exists. I tried the protein powder I got mixed with water instead of milk (really I thought those things could be mixed with either water or milk); this one says water on the directions and still - gag!

No running today. No exercise except cleaning the master bathroom and working on the soap scum in my daughter’s tub. I have to continue that tomorrow. But I managed a little vacuuming too.

It is getting hard to go with no exercise. Maybe walking tomorrow morning I am thinking. I feel horribly fat and guilty, and it has only been a couple days. I really hate this stage of ED recovery. Hopefully, it won’t be like my last recovery, where I overshot my set point weight by 10 lb before my weight got to a set point. It was lower the my high school weight, but IDK, after breastfeeding it settled there again (couldn’t keep weight on while nursing), so who knows? But I hope maybe starting sooner rather than later on this will make it easier in the long run. Though I really wish I could continue running.

Seeing T again tomorrow. She is not an ED T, but really, I have heard the ED stuff before, echoed it myself. I need to see if our insurance covers a dietician. I know they have one at the multi-spceiality clinic next to my PCP. But she might not do ED stuff, more like managing diets for heart disease, etc. The good thing is the T is close. Having no commute helps a lot. I don’t think she does marriage counseling though.

I hope H does see some ways past our financial difficulties. He flat out said my not working would not be a burden if he made better pay and we had better medical insurance. He has told me he is going to take a week or 2 then start emailing contacts from his old jobs. And I think JSC (Johnson Space Center) may have some funding again, which means there could be openings for research again with NASA contractors. We really hope not to move. The other outpostings for Lamar are only 2 year colleges, which means they tend to hire adjunct professors, usually just with a Masters. H could get an adjunct job here (San Jacinto College) is a ten minute drive away though I don’t think he would have the energy to teach high school all day, then work as an adjunct 3 to 5 days a week. The pay is horrible. One of H’s friends here teaches math as a adjunct at San Jac, and he hasn’t earned enough pay to move out of his mother’s house, though to be fair, he may spend a good deal of his pay on gaming. H looked at teaching at Lee College, but I think it’s all adjunct stuff again, which adds up to much less than what high school teachers earn.

I don’t know. I hope H’s mindset improves. He is worried about his father too. Since his dad is out in California, H hasn’t seen him since his mom’s funeral last December. And after that, things just got so bad for us financially, just worse and worse, cars breaking down, huge AC repair bills, a perforated ulcer, you cannot even write this much bad luck. Hopefully, a contact of H will know something.

Until, we just keep going on a day at a time.

Yay! that sounds like progress! You know I'm a runner too so I know how hard scaling back to walking is (I only do it when depressed and can't make myself run). I'm happy and pround for you doing these things today. Hope you can do them tomorrow.