[pirilin]

I feel POWERFUL!!!. Went to battle with eBay, and won.
I should have been a lawyer, among other things. Hahaha.

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by Innerzone

Welcome to PC, Egnito!


(((((((((Christina)))))))))


Lots of hugs all around


Sorry to not say more, but I'm having trouble concentrating as I'm in a medical situation that is giving my BDD a field day. Trying hard not to cry. Not succeeding very well. OMG, I hate this! Can't say more without triggering more crying, and I'm already über self-concious in this waiting area. Can't wait to go home.

I hope you find some peace quickly.

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by Innerzone

At a coffee shop now, rewarding myself for getting through it (sort of). They did a second diagnostic procedure. All looks fine, it's not that, but they had a male doctor coming in to discuss and possibly do more (THANK GOD that part didn't happen or I would have totally lost it as I have major trauma there), but even having her (the lady who did the procedure) tell me that sent me into a panic attack, so I laid there in the interim and tried to breathe, stop crying and pull my **** together).


So then I come out, go to the bus stop, and have the bus pull away just as I'd finished crossing the street. Then the next one was supposedly cancelled, so it was going to be a long wait, which is when I decided to walk up to the coffee shop. Where they got my (not complicated) order wrong. Twice. Whatever. Day can only get better, right? Right?


Oh how I hate having BDD and PTSD. I've been lately thinking I've got it *somewhat* together, then this just showed me once again that I really do not have it together at all...

Pat your self on the back even tho you had shyt to go through... you made it! You made it!

I’d be all kinds of pissy if my coffee wasn’t right.

[~Christina]

Seems the bf is making your life worse than it needs to be. Can you address that in T ? Maybe time to walk away.

I know your worried about this appt and you have every right to have him there and not leave you alone , I too my husband to my ortho appt today him and even Xanax had me twisted in knot.

Maybe take up the PA’s offer to go along.

I hope you get some good news!

[~Christina]

Saw the neck ortho today he said my cervical spine looks okay but my shoulder is the problem, probably rotator cuff that likely needs surgery.

So I go back Tuesday to see the shoulder Ortho. I’ll need a new MRI and likely with contrast , ouch.

I’m still just walking in my corner banging into the wall.

I need a freaking break all ready !!!

[Moose72]

((((Christina)))) You said it- you need a damned break!

I'm feeling pretty good right now. I'm hoping I don't sleep another 10+ hours (because 11 was obviously too much). Not depressed. Just sleeping too much for no reason.

I took the day off from work to sit back and relax. I pretty much didn't do anything except take out the trash. I laid back in bed watching bizarre documentaries on YouTube. No annoying kiddos running around and shrieking like banshees because they've bashed their heads into something again. Not sure where they went, but I ain't complaining.

I pretty much sat/laid in the same spot on my bed all day as part of my mini vacation. I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing.

Now I'm ready to go to bed and it's not even 9 o'clock.

I hope everyone else who is struggling feels better soon. Hopefully tomorrow is a new day and things will be better

[wildflowerchild25]

My back pain is spreading into my leg. Not down the back of my leg but on the side of my lower leg. Very odd. I don’t know if it’s because I’m now standing strangely due to the pain or what. I see the spine specialist on Wednesday but the only thing he’s gonna do is recommend surgery. I don’t have time for surgery. I have to work. My grandma is only at like 75% and it’s been three months. I don’t have three months to take off of work. I have to lift in my job too. I can’t be on no lifting. I dunno. The pain is excruciating in the morning and at night if I’ve been laying down on the couch. It seems like laying down is what triggers it. My mom told me to sleep standing up like an elephant lol.

In other news I haven’t talked to my new guy hardly at all for the past week. He says he’s just been busy. That’s probably true and I shouldn’t expect that much since we’ve only been talking for a month and only met twice but I’m still feeling rejected. And lonely. He didn’t text me at all today or Tuesday. Yesterday he found out he’s facing some very serious health problems so I imagine he’s not gonna want to continue to see me. He probably wants to just focus on his health. But I don’t know. I’m just so used to rejection I figure it’s lurking around every corner. I try to psych myself up for it so it won’t hurt as much when it happens.

I’m just lonely

[liveforsummer]

Originally Posted by Moose72

When is 4th shift? There are only 3 8s in 24.

Oops I meant it was my fourth time actually going to the job
....got home at 8pm, I’m exhausted!

[Nammu]

Watching Macgyver and Hawaii five-0 and missing the originals. Especially Macgyverr he was so angst ridden and a loner.

[Lefty Seven]

Today: Heavy emotional weather passing slowly over a complex landscape. Lightning and thunder. No reason to leave the house. Drugs. I can't figure out if I'm the weather or the landscape.

My friend who believes the world is flat and the Apollo missions were faked is paying me to edit ad, web and policy copy for his Chinese employers. It doesn't make sense, but it's happening.

It's been 21 minutes since my last mood swing.

[TheSeaCat]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

Seems the bf is making your life worse than it needs to be. Can you address that in T ? Maybe time to walk away.

I know your worried about this appt and you have every right to have him there and not leave you alone , I too my husband to my ortho appt today him and even Xanax had me twisted in knot.

Maybe take up the PA’s offer to go along.

I hope you get some good news!

Thank you dear I needed some reason, I had a melt down in therapy over this. I just don't know what to do, but it probably wouldn't hurt to let the PA tag along. It's ten days away, but my stomach is in knots. I'm scared he's going to find something and poof I'm right back in a spiral and probably without another job.

I'm sorry you received bad news at the ortho, I hope the MRI goes well; I always hated contrast too.

[TheSeaCat]

Therapy was eyeopening tonight. He called me a strong intelligent women who deserves some happiness. He thinks the boyfriend is a large man child. He thinks my father needs to keep his emotional distress to himself about mom's condition. This back and fourth of home stress and work is a big stresser of my anxiety. I didn't feel like going home and facing the boyfriend and or the parents. I'm hiding out at my Aunt's house, my cousins are spending the night with friends, Uncle is on the road as usual, so it's just her and I. I really needed to get away and think.

She and the therapist think I am terrified of Nurse Practitioner's and that's why I can trust my family doc enough to do a women exam. I showed them both my stretch marks the Zyprexa caused me, they are all over the place my arms, stomach, thighs, among other places. I wish I could go back to the 160 before the Zyprexa; before she put me on something that caused more depression. The only reason I saw this NP was because of my boss pressuring me, and the other NP put me on Latuda and wouldn't even listen to my side effects. He's the only one who actually bothered to care about my issues; of course I freaking trust him, he hasn't given me a reason not to.

Auntie thinks I should truly call it quits with the boyfriend which I can't think about because we've been together a year and he is my second longest relationship. My longest was two years and I only broke up with him so that he could go to the school of his dreams; I was scared that he stuck with the plan he would end up resenting me in the long run.

They both think I should let the PA in, instead of trying to build more walls. So I texted him and asked if he would still be willing to tag along to my Cardio appointment. He texted back anytime I needed. I just feel like I don't know what to do, it feels like I had a good week and suddenly my weekend is turning into shyt.

I just feel conflicted.

On the way home to Aunt's house I heard a song that really described my anxiety and bipolar caution there are a few F-Words.

Hugs to everyone

very depressed yesterday,

to depressed to even come on here

managed to shower and to use some of my new perfume though

feel a little better today but not much (but wanted to come on here, felt so bad for not doing it yesterday)

listening to christmas music

[Moose72]

Yay christmas music! I have a xmas album by Pentatonix. Its cool!

Its 10:17. N3 is supposed to be at his repetoir class right now but he refuses to go because he says he's not prepared. Well his recital is in a week or so. THEN what?? He says he has no time to practice. Right after school would be great because N2 comes home at 5:30 and immediately takes over the tv. Yes the piano and tv are in the same room.

[yellow_fleurs]

Waiting until Tuesday to see my doctor will be tough. I have more concerning symptoms and have not had the mammogram yet but they told me to come in earlier than planned. Starting to feel kind of flu-like and under the weather but pretty sure it is all related. Feeling lost in my thoughts. Making myself see a friend this afternoon so hopefully that will make me feel better.

[Blueberrybook]

Originally Posted by Moose72

Yay christmas music! I have a xmas album by Pentatonix. Its cool!

Its 10:17. N3 is supposed to be at his repetoir class right now but he refuses to go because he says he's not prepared. Well his recital is in a week or so. THEN what?? He says he has no time to practice. Right after school would be great because N2 comes home at 5:30 and immediately takes over the tv. Yes the piano and tv are in the same room.

Ugh, I hate Christmas music. It reminds me of fake happiness, money I don't have to spend. And you have to here it constantly in stores, doctor's waiting rooms from now until Christmas. When you hate Christmas (even though I am Christian and do believe in Jesus, it's the commercialization I hate), the Christmas music really grates.

[Blueberrybook]

The fibro is bad today. I am having a rough time.

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by Blueberrybook

The fibro is bad today. I am having a rough time.

I am sorry you are in pain.
I am also having issues with fibromyalgia today. For me, the weather is a factor. it's cold here now and will only get colder for about 5 months.

I hope you get some relief soon!

WC

Originally Posted by TheSeaCat

I feel like crap today to the point where I wore scrubs to work instead of the usual business attire. I spent most of the night fighting with the boyfriend; I think we are on the last leg. He keeps getting medical bills from his asthma so I called his doctor since I'm one of the contacts he allowed release of information too and apparently his doctor has been saying everything I've said. I just can't stand by every time he has an asthma attack when he would just use the stupid nebulizer. I asked him to take a long lunch and tag along when I go to the Cardiologist; since I am honestly terrified. He told me no that work was more important. I am honestly terrified of getting bad news, or getting dismissed. He's also annoyed that when I made my appointment for a pap I made it with my usual doctor who is a male and he felt the need to fly off the handle. I just don't care about his temper tantrums. He is two years older than I am and he wants to act like a child.
<snip>... I can't ask boyfriend's mother because well he'd get even more mad.<snip>I just don't want to make the boyfriend more mad; but I also don't want to go alone.

Originally Posted by TheSeaCat

Therapy was eyeopening tonight. He called me a strong intelligent women who deserves some happiness. He thinks the boyfriend is a large man child. <snip> I didn't feel like going home and facing the boyfriend and or the parents.
<snip>

Auntie thinks I should truly call it quits with the boyfriend which I can't think about because we've been together a year and he is my second longest relationship.
<snip>

I just feel conflicted.

Soooo, he intentionally doesn't take proper care of himself, yet expects you to just keep putting up with the consequences, work is more important to him than your fears, so he won't go with you to an appointment, but gets mad about anyone else going, flies off the handle about the doctor you see, you need to unreasonably alter what should be self-directed decisions so that he doesn't get mad....

And you can't think about calling it quits because you've been together a year??

Your T recognizes him as a big baby man child and so do I. I had one of those and finally ditched him after 9 long years. I absolutely kick myself for waiting so ridiculously long (and mine wasn't even getting mad every other minute!). You've got plenty of evidence that this is not a healthy relationship for you. Act now. Don't wait till you've lost a decade. Just sayin'.

Now that I'm done being bossy.... No really though, it doesn't seem like there's much to be conflicted about there.

I agree that taking the PA up on their offer sounds good. Support can be hard to come by. I'm glad you have such a person to help.

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by yellow_fleurs

Waiting until Tuesday to see my doctor will be tough. I have more concerning symptoms and have not had the mammogram yet but they told me to come in earlier than planned. Starting to feel kind of flu-like and under the weather but pretty sure it is all related. Feeling lost in my thoughts. Making myself see a friend this afternoon so hopefully that will make me feel better.

(((((( yellow_fleurs ))))))

I am hoping Tuesday comes quickly for you.


WC

[Wild Coyote]

I finally had a sleep consult with a sleep doctor.

He suspects two conditions. He has immediately contacted my insurer (CIGNA) to appeal their guidelines. CIGNA wants their insureds to have home studies. The specialist feels we need a lab study in order to catch all that's going on.

I don't yet know the date of my study; however, I was assured it would be in this calendar year.

Struggling with chronic sleep deprivation. Still altering meds/dosages with a new pdoc. it's challenging, yet could be worse.

I really enjoy my new pdoc/therapist!

Love to All!

WC

[Blueberrybook]

Originally Posted by Wild Coyote

I finally had a sleep consult with a sleep doctor.

He suspects two conditions. He has immediately contacted my insurer (CIGNA) to appeal their guidelines. CIGNA wants their insureds to have home studies. The specialist feels we need a lab study in order to catch all that's going on.

I don't yet know the date of my study; however, I was assured it would be in this calendar year.

Struggling with chronic sleep deprivation. Still altering meds/dosages with a new pdoc. it's challenging, yet could be worse.

I really enjoy my new pdoc/therapist!

Love to All!

WC

What 2 conditions does the sleep doc suspect?

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by Blueberrybook

What 2 conditions does the sleep doc suspect?

Apnea and narcolepsy. I have many symptoms of each condition.

Narcolepsy runs in my family. It's also an autoimmune condition.

He had reminded me that we make neurotransmitters when we sleep. If we are not sleeping, we are missing out on the natural manufacturing of neurotransmitters.

I have several medical conditions, some autoimmune. The lack of sleep only makes them flare up more.


WC

[TheSeaCat]

Originally Posted by Innerzone

Soooo, he intentionally doesn't take proper care of himself, yet expects you to just keep putting up with the consequences, work is more important to him than your fears, so he won't go with you to an appointment, but gets mad about anyone else going, flies off the handle about the doctor you see, you need to unreasonably alter what should be self-directed decisions so that he doesn't get mad....

And you can't think about calling it quits because you've been together a year??

Your T recognizes him as a big baby man child and so do I. I had one of those and finally ditched him after 9 long years. I absolutely kick myself for waiting so ridiculously long (and mine wasn't even getting mad every other minute!). You've got plenty of evidence that this is not a healthy relationship for you. Act now. Don't wait till you've lost a decade. Just sayin'.

Now that I'm done being bossy.... No really though, it doesn't seem like there's much to be conflicted about there.

I agree that taking the PA up on their offer sounds good. Support can be hard to come by. I'm glad you have such a person to help.

Thank you I really needed to read that! I don't find you bossy at all

I was very pissed when I got off the phone with his doctor, he was blaming his doctor when a lot of these hospitalizations could have been avoided with the stupid nebulizer he doesn't like. I was really annoyed when he said work was more important than my appointment, it's not like I asked him to take the day off just take a long lunch and work later than scheduled that is what I am doing. I know his boss would have been fine with that, besides he honestly isn't going to get his dream job with how much work he has missed this year; honestly it's a wonder he hasn't been fired for to much missed work.

I was really stunned when he flew off the handle about the doctor I see; he's the only reason I'm stable right now. He's just mad because it's a man, best of all he called my father to tell him about that and I got an earful from my father. Now he wants to care, yeah right.

I think I am honestly done after his latest idea of calling my dad. Now I am terrified to go home; because I don't want to deal with my father suddenly flying off the handle that I trust a man. How about anytime I trust a female it ends up badly for me. He doesn't understand any of my issues.

I agree that is not a healthy relationship at this point, he used to be always on my side about everything, now it feels like anything I do upsets him. I don't know what his problem is; and honestly I don't want to know what his problem is. I got enough issues of my own that I don't need his pilled on top of it.

I ended up not sleeping well last night and decided to text PA for coffee, you are exactly right, I need support and I don't have a lot of support. I'm still holed up at Aunties house, I imagine my cat isn't too pleased with his separation anxiety, but honestly I'm not ready to deal with the parents. Thank you Innerzone I really needed that wake up call. He and I are done.