Accepting need for medication

I tried to go off seroquel. I did go off seroquel. I'm back on a low dose comparitivly to earlier in the year. I got way, way out of balance and I didn't know. Therapist told me last time "anosognosia" She explained, I understood, but I don't think I kept it. I definitely was hypomanic for awhile. It was great actually. Phenomenal. Then it got uncomfortable. And then more. And then more. At that point I don't even know. Paranoia, other weird thinking, everything just got way out of balance. I was barely sleeping. I knew, but didn't. There was a night i don't think i slept at all. I was in bed but I don't think I actually slept. I did weird things and was not thinking clear at all. A friend got me to realize I was manic which I wasn't sure I agreed but I restarted seroquel then. And took again. And again. And again, etc. I'm just taking small IR doses but probably have 9-10 doses in me from saturday afternoon. I will never, ever, do this again. There has to be better balance on meds not ruining my life on either end of spectrum. I don't want to be asleep all day and obese. The other extreme isn't ok either. I've lost a ton of weight. I don't think I hardly ate at all last week. I new, but didn't. My thoughts got way out of sync with reality. I knew, but I didn't. I have no idea. Bottom line, I will never, ever go off a medication again without someone watching me closely. Therapist, doctor, friends, family. I totally botched this. If someone would have asked me every few days, even if it annoyed the hell out of me, are you taking seroquel at all? Do you have any weird thoughts, compulsive repetitive thoughts, sleep hours, etc. I think i did fine at first, but once I was fully off of it for more than a couple weeks, things went bad. And then worse. So, anyone reading, don't ever go off an AP if you have bipolar, unless you are being watched like a hawk. You don't have the insight to NOT have that kind of monitoring. I'm very dissappointed in myself but I'm pretty sure this is life changing and is actually going to end up helping me have my life back. With balance, and bipolar IN-order. I said to myself and others, I might totally crash and burn by doing this. I did. I ****ed up royally by coming off it. Why? Ultimately, it's the no insight/anosognosia. I can't even ****ing believe I stop taking it. Went way too fast. And with way too little support, and it's my fault. I do not want to be on it at all, but I'm sticking with it at least for now or at least till I have a better treatment structure. I never stopped the valium or lamictal. I almost wish I would have and I would have crashed and burned sooner to be honest. This is very long, I didn't intend it. Never stop taking meds unless people are watching you like a hawk. It might go great if that is happening, but if not, the odds are very poor you will not have serious problems as a result.

good advice- thanks for sharing.

I've never come off meds by choice, only once I was off them because of a mix up in records- it was hell.. all the withdrawal because it all happened so fast

i managed to do the withdraw part i think in a few weeks from large dose to zero. I do remember taking the 'last dose' several times which probably was the last week of that. was hypomanikc then I think, everything felt good. Then uncomfortable. Then manic. I remember a few depressed days somewhere where my energy went to zero. Then it turned back on. I don't know. Other than that I'm never fully stopping an AP again. Unless it's part of a longer term plan and I'm doing great. I think now I probably got on the 'up' side of things when I decided to reduce. I think I remember the plan NOT being to fully stop, just get the dose further down. But I did stop. My judgment etc was not good. And here we are now. I'm in a different world than a few days ago. i still am going to need a lot of sleep short-term. I just got a little more after taking a small dose with normal lamictal this morning.

Your concern of obesity and sleeping all the time is a real concern. Have they addressed this?

Coming on and off meds can be a huge problem both ends of the spectrum.. I have rode that wave many times..

Never "settle" for a med(s) that just arent helping ... Your concerns are valid

Seroquel helped a ton. It was a game changer last year. I just ended up oversedatd and obese, but stable. That is when i started reducing which was fine i think. a line got crossed at some point though. and i think that is how/why i ended up off it completely which was never the goal. my insight, etc gradually fell apart. i really think, or did at least, that the seroquel 'fixed my brain' therefore i didn't need it anymore. It's the best one I've been on but worst side effects too. For now, a low dose for purspose of sleep is what i need. And i'm increasingly OK with that. I just slept more earlier this morning and got plenty last night. Several days ago, one tiny dose was out of the question. Wouldn't do it. Now I've taken many small doses and am going to continue indefinately for now. The more I take the more I realize I need it. Will probably reduce some of the daytime and make more at night at some point soon. I can not ****ing believe i did this.

The definition of stable is not near comatose, please remember that.


Being stable is being able to deal with life, not being sedated enough to have the life float around you and carry you wherever and not caring...


There is always another way.

Wow, well-said my friend.

I've taken more since I posted last and just took 75mg which is still small but I was on 700 total at one point. That will never happen again either. But zero won't either.

I haven't taken more than 25 at a time before right now and I think this makes it 150 total so far today. A few days ago I balked at even the idea I needed 25mg one time.

Family member was here, it was a huge wake-up call yet again. I'm improving by the hour sometimes it is actually noticeable in that short of time. and it a bizarre experience when that happens. I was so out of it. I had no idea. The 'slide' started a long time ago. Months. The 'fall off the cliff' was in the past week or so. I ate with my dad and I think was first true meal in over a week. It was nice. I didn't know I wasn't eating. Jesus Christ. Does not the whole freakin' world say 'people who have bipolar disorder can not stop taking their medications'??? Yet I still did it. This is going to take months to heal from. The more doses I take the more I understand i need to take it and gain more understanding. Maybe with bigger dose I just took and can do less daytime but hopefully sleep a full night like a normal person? I think several daytime doses is needed still though for now. I knew most people don't get up at 4am at the latest, but didn't register at all really that 4am, sometimes in the 3s, for several weeks in a row, was a sign things were sliding further down hill. Not sure what else to say other than seroquel is about to make me totally collapse and that's probably the best thing to happen to me in many weeks. I may still end up awake at 4am but I will have almost 8 hours at that point and maybe I can dose in middle of night if put by bed. I already had a couple more hours or so daytime. Wow. WTF. I can not believe I did this. It's cliche as **** and I ignored it a million times from others, but don't ever, ever, stop taking an AP unless you are being watched like a hawk. Things can be fine or at least kinda sorta one day, and 2-3 days land you are in psychosis stage and very very ill. I said it earlier in the message and will again. This is going to take months to recover from. I just became aware of this in the last several hours I think. How the **** can you know there's going to be a recovery period, if you aren't even aware there's anything to recover from?

It sounds like you are self-medicating with the amount of seroquel you are taking. Can you get in to see a pdoc and discuss the right dosage?

I'm not sure what you mean by self-medicating but I'm not ****ing taking it anymore. It agitates the **** out me. Maybe i'll sleep tonight, maybe I won't. The office doesn't give a ****. I got up at 3 today and not a lot of interest in laying down but I'm going to try. I'm guessing I'll be up at 4 at the latest if I do even sleep. But, yes, **** you seroquel, I'm done. And mad I even restarted to begin with. So there's my thoughts for right now LOL. Happy t-give and peace.

It sounds like you need to be under much closer psychiatric care. You can't just take or not take an antipsychotic and at any old dose. Things aren't going to fall into place until you can establish a regular and effective medical regime. If Seroquel is giving you unbearable side effects then it's time to switch to a different AAP. Your doctor should be working with you on all of this. If he isn't then find another one and see him as often as you need to.

(You can't just take or not take an antipsychotic and at any old dose)

Actually I can. I've been on the seroquel a handful of days now after zero (minus a couple of doses (tiny) of 25mg) for a couple months. Everything was kinda sorta OK until recently which actually means probably a month. In the last couple few weeks, things were getting really weird. But, I didn't 'do it on my own'.

I did it on the fly perhaps, but when I actually remembered and looked at drug book yesterday (day 4 or 5), I pretty much followed the instructions without realizing. actually I did a 'light' version. Not exact, but not bad as far as initial titration.

The first dose I took was Saturday. Doesn't seem like it but it's Thursday. I went off seroquel a couple months ago (the obesity wasn't really doing it for me, nor was sexual function problems, nor was the left breast enlargement that I'm now told is 'just fat' and everything's fine. I just have one boob that's much larger now).

Now, bear with me, I'm not a jerk at all, I'm a pretty sweet guy. The seroquel has now caused major agitation that I still have and have for 24 hours and I choose to not take it last night. I did take lamictal and valium. I didn't have agitation the first couple days. When I took 150 total 2 days ago now (biggest dose at that point), THEN the agitation started.

How long was actually asleep? I'm guessing 2.5 but could be 3.

Item: Who here has a health care license? I know some do, but rare. BPRN I love ya. It's me and you baby. So any talk of me being 'rogue' is BS. Not being a jerk, just saying the truth.

Item: Who here has talked to a MD before, and not necessarily their own, and perhaps multiple MDs, who honestly thinks APs are highly dangerous, even if people need them, or are told they 'need' them. And that that drug class might actually be the one as far as psych meds, and to some degree medications in general, which somehow PCPs often prescribe, they worry about most?

I can check both off the list.

The good news I suppose is I rolled out of bed at 4am today was 245 yesterday. It's just that I went to bed at 9pm 2 nights ago, and closer to 130am last night as best I can tell.

Agitation isn't normal for me, like at all. SO, I'm gonna go for a walk like I normally do this time of morning for the past 2 months. And listen to jazz.

If I sound rude it's not intended I'm just expressing myself at the current moment, though this is about baseline in the past 24 hours more often than not. Not mad at anyone at all, just have generalized agitation, and it's from seroquel. And that wasn't evident until sometime yesterday when I realized it. peace

I am not really comprehending what you are trying to say, but...



if you want to take meds (decided it's a reasonable trade off), you need to take them consistently... not "take it, not take it, take a LOOOOOOT of it cause it feeels SOOOOO GOOOD, not take it...." That is only going to cause damage.

It doesn't sound to me like you have accepted the need for regular medication.

if you want to take meds (decided it's a reasonable trade off), you need to take them consistently... not "take it, not take it, take a LOOOOOOT of it cause it feeels SOOOOO GOOOD, not take it...." That is only going to cause damage.

I'm really confused with what you mean "take a LOOOOT of it? Feels sooo good? If there's one thing I DON"T do, it's take excess medication, I don't want to be on it period. If I referenced low grade hypomania feeling really really good, it does.

And yes, it's my right whether i want to take anything or not. I just gave seroquel a second chance. It lasted what, 5 days? If I wake up screaming in the morning, without any reasonable stiumuli, actually not even with the slightest stimuli, ....I think that means I probably shouldn't take it....Not to mention the other weird things that started going thru my head yesterday, which were actually weirder than what was happening before I restarted it.

My compliance history is pretty F'in solid. When's the last time I missed a dose of lamictal? Other than by accident and taking a little bit late once in a great awhile, it's been years....

Valium? I would prefer to not take it period. I do take 5mg nightly for awhile now, 6 months probably. With perfection. Don't think I've missed a dose anytime recently, and certainly have never over-taken it, and my script is for 5-10mg. Can probably count the times I've actually taken ten on one finger.

So I have no idea what you are talking about at all. This is a support board?

I won't be back anytime soon, and really the only time I actually post is when I'm having a hard time. ie. now.

The medications 'we' take are largely BS. I'm allowed to say that. Even if I don't think that 100% of the time. And it's my right to 'not accept the need for medication'. Which obviously I'm NOT doing or I wouldn't be taking the lamictal and valium still.

It seemed from your posts that you were going over the prescribed dose.


If you want to get off medicine, it is preferable to do it gradually, not restart it just to drop it in few more days....

your body does not know what is going on and cannot adjust.


This is a support board, but not a support bad decisions board.


You have every right not to be on meds, be on meds... but stopping and restarting in short periods of time, without guidance and plan... BAD FOR YOU. Nothing to support.

There are some people who will take all their medications regularly except antipsychotics.
It is one of those things that is hard to explain so you are not alone.

It took me awhile and some bad experiences to accept to take an antipsychotic everyday although the dose is slowly being lowered over the course of months.

I've always been compliant with my medication (accept forgetting to take the occasional dose here or there). But I have never really experienced really bad side effects. I'm not psychotic, so I don't really need an anti-psychotic, but I took Abilify for a while to augment the anti-depressants. I think it helped for a while, and I didn't have any side effects. But after a few years, I tapered down (with the guidance of my psychiatrist) and am now off it. It would be hard to deal with some of the more serious side effects for sure. But withdrawal symptoms can be pretty bad too, so I would taper first.

Whoever said I overtook ANYTHING has no idea what they are talking about. My script on seroquel, that I accepted, was 25mg 1-2 tablets, TID. So I don't know what your talking about. The most I've taken, in one day, is 150, which, actually, is the top out of the script. And when I did take 150 total in one day, I woke up screaming the next morning. Which has continued to happen intermittently till the present moment. Not to mention the other side effects that have already happened. Let's all reflect on the fact that I was on 600-700 at one point early in the year....and guess how my quality of life was....Nill. I honestly prefer where I'm at right now, to that.

PS...I tapered off it months ago. And frankly it was pretty amazingly done. If you want to see the sheet on it, somewhere I have it. After I was off it, and looked back at what actually happened, I'm pretty sure it was far better than any doctor could have done. That stuff is toxic.

I went back on it Saturday if I recall out of desperation and it being suggested that perhaps I was manic. It did help for a few days, one small dose did the first night. I did get more sleep then a couple days in, but again, as I said, it was Tuesday night when I had actually had the best day I've had in awhile, that I decided to take more than 25mg at one time. I was 'accepting' the need for medication.

And woke up screaming the next day and I'm still just as agitated as I was then. I'm not mad at anyone at all. Not even slightly. I'm agitated, my thoughts move too fast, back to barely eating again. Can't sit still. Not to mention the other things/thoughts/side effects that were not there, at all, before I started taking.

The other stuff that had been happening in the past week or so, is totally gone and has been gone for days now. And that is really good. i don't even know where that stuff came from.

Now, for real, I'm not posting on here anymore lol. Half of it is axis 2 and another 30% are still in sheep mode and don't even know what you're taking. Not being a jerk. It's reality. If you want to rot out your body from the inside out....have it. I'm not doing it. peace

((((paino97)))) Please, do not self-medicate. It won't end well. It may feel good now, but the situation will probably change soon. Please, take care of yourself and be careful in what you're doing

You write about being angry and screaming, repeatedly, but I can't tell if it bothers you or not that you are that way. Then you write critical remarks about the whole group of people here, who you hardly know. Makes me wonder also about other axes.

1) Your posts are not clear and they are bit scattered. You write about accepting the need to medication, than about how toxic is, than how the more you take it, the better you feel...

2) I am myself unmedicated, been unmedicated successfully for years, i am proponent of "it can be done sans meds" or people being on least amount of medicine possible. Yes, that stuff can be harmful, even if it is helping and you should be aware of risks, bad side effects and reactions.

3) Constantly stopping and restarting your meds does not proof anything, besides you are in constant state of withdrawal and your body is having hard time adjusting and readjusting.

4) I mean no disrespect. But it bit unclear what are you asking for.

Am I the only one who is completely lost on this thread?