[nikon]

hugs to everyone, extra hugs to those who are struggling

i'm sooooooo tired at the moment. for the past four or five nights i've had bad dreams about work that have made it hard to sleep. dreams about things being completely chaotic and having to try and regain control.

i am working tomorrow and then only on tuesday again, so glad i will be able to sleep late for a couple of days. since a was severely depressed about two months ago, i've struggled with being around my family. i don't live with them, but i had been spending quite a bit of time with my sister and niece and nephew - toddlers. the start of my deep depression coincided with having to spend a lot of time babysitting and finding it overwhelming, and now when i think of visiting i feel immediately overwhelmed with anxiety and dread. i definitely want to be a part of my niece and nephew's lives, but i don't know how to handle being around them. i'm not a person who finds kids easy - i have never thought of having children - and the loud noises like screaming and crying and shouting are very overwhelming.

Happy Belated Birthday, giddykitty!

[Tryingtobehappy5]

Originally Posted by tecomsin

It's much easier on the outside to see what is going on and when a person crosses over a line called 'manic and irrational'. At the same time, I have lived through the state of mind described by Tryingtobehappy5. Sent the email, feel that any suspicion that I'm not depressed leads to people thinking I am manic and need to be medicated. I think it is very hard to reach people in that state of mind. In the end, i feel better with the med regime I am on than without. My goal now is to make it through life with out another trip to the psych ward. I have found them to be brutal experiences where I live in Canada.


I've had almost the exact train of thoughts. In the end those episodes ended very badly for me. You also might feel better on medication than you do right now. Try to find meds that help you sleep besides sleeping pills. A number of antipsychotics can do that.

I dont want antipsychotics. I am just knocked right out on them. I dont want anything but sleeping pills. And they are all working together talking about me and after last night Im feeling worried that my husband is part of it too.

I was up every hour last night and feel so angry again today. I feel like physically exploding. I cant eat anymore. I only had a few bites of salad and a piece of bread yesterday its been like that for weeks. I snapped at my coworker today. She deserved it though im just sick of everyone.

I cant take the meds. I cant not be me. Its not ok

[Tryingtobehappy5]

And she said Im not fully manic so its not that bad. Im not psychotic or anything just a little off.

Possible trigger:

the wall wants me to cut. A specific wall at my school. I don't know if it's that wall or someone working with that wall but all week I look at it and it tells me to cut

Good day though. It hurts, but it hurts good. After this song it's time to get splinters. Everyone in here is too loud.

[Moose72]

Originally Posted by spikes

Possible trigger:

the wall wants me to cut. A specific wall at my school. I don't know if it's that wall or someone working with that wall but all week I look at it and it tells me to cut

Good day though. It hurts, but it hurts good. After this song it's time to get splinters. Everyone in here is too loud.

This.post reminds me of me.

[Moose72]

I missed an appointment this morning with my case manager because i was dealing with n3. But we rescheduled for Monday before I see T. I dunno what to talk with T about for my last appointment.

[tecomsin]

I slept solidly until almost 7 am this morning after taking 2 mg rexulti and 2.5 mg olanzapine. will try to cut olanzapine in half tonight and see if I sleep as well. Keeping rexulti at 2mg until i see my pdoc again. Maybe that is all I need but even one night's missed sleep can destabilize me so I'm cautiously reducing Zyprexa. Also if I am repeatedly waking up at the wrong time it can be very difficult to shift later without alot of Olanzapine. i don't take sleeping pills or any sedatives, only AP's and a small dose of lyrica to sleep at night with neuropathic pain.

[~Christina]

We have a couple days of snotty weather coming and I should go to the store but Nope !!! I’m not doing it. I will get super creative with what I have on hand food wise.

This is day 3 of just not feeling “ right” physically. Just random stuff. Hard to even put into words. Hope it doesn’t turn into anything.

Happy Friday everyone

[tecomsin]

Originally Posted by Tryingtobehappy5

I dont want antipsychotics. I am just knocked right out on them. I dont want anything but sleeping pills. And they are all working together talking about me and after last night Im feeling worried that my husband is part of it too.

I was up every hour last night and feel so angry again today. I feel like physically exploding. I cant eat anymore. I only had a few bites of salad and a piece of bread yesterday its been like that for weeks. I snapped at my coworker today. She deserved it though im just sick of everyone.

I cant take the meds. I cant not be me. Its not ok

Not all AP's knock people out. Some are much more sedating than others. For me olanzapine acts like a sleeping pill and I just take it at night. Rexulti isn't fatiguing at all. Are you up every hour at night when you take a sleeping pill?

[yellow_fleurs]

Hope everyone is having a good night, sending compassion to anyone who is struggling.

Nothing too interesting here, but I have grand plans to improve my overall health, and hopefully mood, by eating better. I fell into terrible habits during grad school, but it's time to fix that. I cannot really blame my body and mind for yelling at me when I do so many things that don't really help the situation, like not getting enough sleep, skipping meals etc. I am not great at planning and keeping up with a schedule, though, so this will take work.

I also need to decide about meds sometime before the beginning of January when I have my next appointment. I need to decide if I will continue to see my psychiatrist, as there is no point if I am not on meds, but I worry if I end up needing them that it will be too hard to get an appointment again if I stop being his patient. Also, my therapist wants to see if there is anything to work on before assuming I need meds so that is making me a bit conflicted on the whole decision. I think I'll run my concerns by my therapist at our next appointment.

[Unrigged64072835]

All presents are done. I am in a lot of lower back pain, but no NSAIDs until after the long term nerve block procedure on Tuesday. Right now that seems like infinity. All I can take is muscle relaxer and Tylenol. Good thing I only have t before then. Everything is one big knot. Even ice and heat aren’t helping.

Everything else is fine, just this frigging pain.

Lots of love and hugs to everyone.

[Tryingtobehappy5]

Originally Posted by tecomsin

Not all AP's knock people out. Some are much more sedating than others. For me olanzapine acts like a sleeping pill and I just take it at night. Rexulti isn't fatiguing at all. Are you up every hour at night when you take a sleeping pill?

Ive tried seroquel and risperidone. I dont want any more. And no I sleep 7rs straight with a sleeping pill and averaging 4-5 plus waking up hourly without for a few weeks.

Its ok though, tonight I got whiskey and I prefer that to everything else anyway. I didnt answer my T back about an appt and i will probably cancel my Dr appt next week. Plus my H said he pretty much has to stop worrying because its too much. Thats good with me I just want his love not concern. Pretty soon everyone will quit bugging me and just let me do what i want.

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by Fharraige

All presents are done. I am in a lot of lower back pain, but no NSAIDs until after the long term nerve block procedure on Tuesday. Right now that seems like infinity. All I can take is muscle relaxer and Tylenol. Good thing I only have t before then. Everything is one big knot. Even ice and heat aren’t helping.

Everything else is fine, just this frigging pain.

Lots of love and hugs to everyone.

I am sorry you are in so much pain.
Tuesday cannot come soon enough!


WC

[Wild Coyote]

Saw my pdoc today. We went over all meds and thoughtfully went through the timeline. It's her current opinion that the sudden inability to tolerate sedating meds is a shift in mood.

We are not yet sure where this "shift" will take me.

I could be euthymic or could be headed for depression. I am usually headed for depression; yet, we will see in time.

I am currently feeling confused about my mood, as some of it is okay; yet, with intermittent agitation. Will wait and see.

Otherwise quite cold here.

Love to All!

WC

[Moose72]

Im freshly showered and in pjs. We trimmed the tree and decorated the house. I found ornaments the kids made at school from 2008 and 2009. So cute!

Last night I found an audio book on youtube. Its by Stephen Fry. Its 9 hours! I listened to some last night before bed. I'll try to do more tonight. This should take days!

[downandlonely]

Originally Posted by Moose72

Im freshly showered and in pjs. We trimmed the tree and decorated the house. I found ornaments the kids made at school from 2008 and 2009. So cute!

Last night I found an audio book on youtube. Its by Stephen Fry. Its 9 hours! I listened to some last night before bed. I'll try to do more tonight. This should take days!

I can get audiobooks downloaded to my phone for free from this app with my library. I really like it. I used to listen to books on cassette or CD, but now I don't even have to go to the library.

[liveforsummer]

Pretty good day until the Christmas planning discussion came up in the evening. The details are irrelevant, suffice to say the mere thought of the planning and logistics is enough to send me spinning. I could hibernate for a couple of weeks

Hugs to all and I hope you all get a good nights sleep zzzzzzzzzzzz

[TheSeaCat]

Hi guys, my laptop seems to be on the fritz which is the last thing I need before finals, I think it has something to do with that day one of my brats got caught in the cord and pulled it out from the wall and destroyed the surge protector it was plugged into. I hope it's not planning to die, I have all of my school work stored on another hard drive; but it is making me very nervous that I might have to make an emergency trip to Best Buy.

Work was fine today; nobody complained and I got another complement from my boss, I'm still a bit untrusting given my history.

M and I are hanging out this weekend; he, R and a few others are thrilled that are registered for a conference and won't have to worry about their outrageous CME's not getting done.

I have been staying at R's house since father decided to have a meltdown yesterday. It's nice to see what it will be like once we become roommates.

I had another major headache for most of the day today, turns out symptom of my heart condition. It's gotten to the point where I have Excedrin stored everywhere since they like to come out of the blue.

I cut myself shaving my legs, so that cut will be fun to explain on Monday to my primary. I guess that is what I get for shaving in a rush with a new blade.

Also therapy was wonderful today and I have been officially demoted to once a week seasons now. With the permission to text him anytime.

Hugs to everyone

[TheSeaCat]

Originally Posted by Innerzone

Wanting to get out of that situation? Uh, yeah! His behavior is irrational (and yes, controlling). You seem to be doing very well (Go you! ). Do I remember correctly that you have a friend you were talking with about moving with?

I don't know what is going on first it was the ex now it's my father. I am sick of people trying to control me. Thank you Innerzone and yes I was supposed to move in with R at the beginning of the year; but that timeline is rapidly being moved up; I stayed the night and I am currently working on a school assignment on her couch. She's cool with the timeline being moved up. I have about a weeks worth of clothes and my cat. I know I need to visit and grab more clothes and stuff but I don't feel like another argument.

[Victoria'smom]

yellow_fleurs why don't you see if you can do 6 months appointment? Then you will still be a patient.

[~Christina]

I would be confused also. Sucks because it’s a wait and see kinda deal hopefully your not going down.

I have all my body parts crossed that you are just going to land baseline and stay there a long time.

Stay warm !

[beauflow]

I am sorry to be checking in again but, it's whatever it is. I've been very aggravated today.
Had issues talking to a person at work about an outside work thing ... changing my pace in a sense.
Also all day I am not processing things correctly, I don't get how not and maybe this isn't even bipolar- but I swear I make sense in my train of thoughts ar the time.. and even with some things I even believe I've checked myself by other means of things not me ..but I am still some hoe doing this.
For example time, I saw how far away a carrier is, I did the math on my own and asked Alexa and checked google "how many x hours is from now" ... it concurred with me.

My ex and I work in the same dept. Different managers, etc. So unfortunately we talk about work items. Tonight is one of those nights.

I dont want to go into to much detail. But after he just sat down and talked with me, I understand I am very confused with the time. He showed me and we talked and I used Alexa again to check and ... wtf.
I dont know if any one understands this. I do but I am not doing great with this right now I guese.. well enough, but ugh!!

I've been snappy with him as well tonight, very adamant that I'm right before we sat down. And just cross whenever talking about the work crap.

And after he left for his place, almost went into a 5angent by myself on how I NEEED a friend, a partner, a person, that I do not work with.. it's fine if another had to take a business call, but if it's something with my work place-- I just don't want to talk or know on my time away ((of course unless it's me being called and having to handle)).

I just need some rest I guess.. no wonder people at work with work things were a little confused with me.. and here I thought they were being asses (( well they can be, so that's not all on me))..
I know, small things-- a sign to do self care.

I am sorry for being self centered too.

I am sorry I didn't read back it remember if I read earlier .
I hope every one is doing ok or doing what they need to do to be ok.
I am sorry if I am whiney.. .

[tecomsin]

Originally Posted by Wild Coyote

Saw my pdoc today. We went over all meds and thoughtfully went through the timeline. It's her current opinion that the sudden inability to tolerate sedating meds is a shift in mood.

We are not yet sure where this "shift" will take me.

I could be euthymic or could be headed for depression. I am usually headed for depression; yet, we will see in time.

I am currently feeling confused about my mood, as some of it is okay; yet, with intermittent agitation. Will wait and see.

Otherwise quite cold here.

Love to All!

WC

I haven't had this sudden shift in being able to tolerate meds although I could imagine at times writing the rest of your post like "usually headed for depression" or "confused about my mood" or "intermittent agitation". Thanks for putting it so well. Sometimes i have a hard time describing how I feel. It all seems like one complicated knot to untie and you do it so well.

Are you completely off all meds now?

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by tecomsin

I haven't had this sudden shift in being able to tolerate meds although I could imagine at times writing the rest of your post like "usually headed for depression" or "confused about my mood" or "intermittent agitation". Thanks for putting it so well. Sometimes i have a hard time describing how I feel. It all seems like one complicated knot to untie and you do it so well.

Are you completely off all meds now?

Hi tecomsin!

I am still taking Lamictal (dropped 100mg.), citalopram (same dose), Abilify 1mg.(tapering off), temazepam (same dose bedtime for now).

I've had to drop gabapentin entirely, decreased Lamictal, decreased Abilify

My pdoc's ideal goal, if/when I am ready, is to have me on Lamictal only, if possible. I am not sure this would handle my anxiety; yet, we will see. I am partial to citalopram, as it has helped me a lot with agitation, anxiety and PTSD reactivity. I feel okay taking it with Lamictal on board.

In addition to becoming far too sedated on some meds, I have improved sleep. It's significantly better; yet, still needs improvement. I will finally have a sleep study in 3 days.

Thanks for your interest and your ongoing support.


WC