[Blue_Bird]

Had a great day yesterday! I only was able to sleep 4 and a half hours last night though but I feel good. I might go to the gym later, need to face some of my anxiety.

Need to study for my final exam.

I'm enjoying some coffee and listening to music right now

Feeling kind of depressed still.

Also, something scary happened this morning: My therapist broke into my apartment and started yelling things at me, but I couldn't see her anywhere. She was telepathically yelling at me. Then I heard banging that got progressively louder. I don't know if that was her too. But then she left

[Tryingtobehappy5]

Originally Posted by Tryingtobehappy5

Ive tried seroquel and risperidone. I dont want any more. And no I sleep 7rs straight with a sleeping pill and averaging 4-5 plus waking up hourly without for a few weeks.

Its ok though, tonight I got whiskey and I prefer that to everything else anyway. I didnt answer my T back about an appt and i will probably cancel my Dr appt next week. Plus my H said he pretty much has to stop worrying because its too much. Thats good with me I just want his love not concern. Pretty soon everyone will quit bugging me and just let me do what i want.

Well big surprise that ended with me in a cell for the night lol. Told my H I felt like stabbing myself looking at the knives on the counter. I couldnt stop shaking my head and hyperventilating. And then all of a sudden I was sitting on the steps and look up and see the cops in my door. 4 cars lol, overkill. Now waiting at the hospital to talk to mental health. Maybe I should go back on meds now.

[Blueberrybook]

We're having a birthday party for my daughter today since her birthday is next Friday. Seven pre-teen girls...I can hardly wait. I will be glad once this party is over. Parties (even for my daughter's birthday) are just not my thing. I don't like being around so many extra people, and I know some of these girls have moms who will stay through the whole party. And about half of them have to get dropped off an hour early, at least one leaving an hour late.

I slept in today, have not even showered, and the cake will be ready for pick-up in half an hour, and I need to get balloons too.

I have a pounding headache. I'm anxious because I couldn't exercise. I feel rushed for time. I don't want to have to socialize with other moms or deal with this party for 3 or 4 hours, wish I could go into a time warp. I know it's important to my daughter, and she does have good friends, and I was worried before she started school because she wouldn’t play with other kids her age. Even in kindergarten, her teacher called me several times because all she did at recess was stand to the side and cry. But in 1st grade, she finally started playing with other kids and making friends.

Still. I hate kid birthday parties. Though I should be grateful. By next year, it will probably turn into a slumber party.

Very anxious and on edge this morning though. However, the increase in Seroquel may be helping as normally, I'd be angry and irritable besides manicky, and I am not, at least not yet.

[tecomsin]

Originally Posted by Tryingtobehappy5

Well big surprise that ended with me in a cell for the night lol. Told my H I felt like stabbing myself looking at the knives on the counter. I couldnt stop shaking my head and hyperventilating. And then all of a sudden I was sitting on the steps and look up and see the cops in my door. 4 cars lol, overkill. Now waiting at the hospital to talk to mental health. Maybe I should go back on meds now.

I'm glad that you are safe. Maybe a different AP than ones you have tried before can help with your symptoms?

[tecomsin]

Originally Posted by bluebicycle

Feeling kind of depressed still.

Also, something scary happened this morning: My therapist broke into my apartment and started yelling things at me, but I couldn't see her anywhere. She was telepathically yelling at me. Then I heard banging that got progressively louder. I don't know if that was her too. But then she left

Yes that would be very scary. Do you think that was real or a hallucination/delusion? Do you have meds to take prn if your symptoms get worse, or someone you can contact about symptoms getting worse?

[tecomsin]

Last night I took 2mg Rexulti and 1.25 Olanzapine and slept until 6:45 am... which is good. And I don't feel hopelessly groggy this morning. Just anxious and kind of despondent. Will take the same meds tonight. Would like to get off of olanzapine as quickly as possible.

[wildflowerchild25]

I think the funk I was in is ending. Even though I still can’t sleep, my appetite is better and I’m listening to my podcast again. And my mood has been better with the trazodone on board. It helps me sleep. Even though last night I took it and couldn’t fall asleep until 12:30am but I could sleep in today so it’s not that big of a deal. Slept until 8:30 so got about eight hours still.

I’m taking my son to see the grinch movie today. That should be fun. He’s wanted to see it since it came out but we haven’t had time. I really need to get some cleaning done but I can take a couple of hours and see a movie with him. Should be a cute movie too.

RS is coming over tonight. I’m so excited. He is so sweet to me. I just hope it’s genuine and it lasts. My ex was sweet in the beginning but it quickly went away. But I just feel differently about RS. I can’t describe it but I just have this feeling it’s going to last a long time. I feel the same about him as I did when I first met my husband. And when I met my ex I was high as hell so that was clouding my judgement. I’m stable for the most part right now. I’m seeing things through a normal lens. I’m just really excited. RS is going to come to New Years at my sister in law’s with me. It’ll be so nice to have someone to share the holidays with! It’s been four years.

I wish it wasn’t so cold here. I hate the cold!

[yellow_fleurs]

Originally Posted by Miguel'smom

yellow_fleurs why don't you see if you can do 6 months appointment? Then you will still be a patient.

I may ask about that. At my last appointment he gave me the option of coming back only as needed and no longer being his patient, or scheduling an appointment 3 months out as a longer follow-up in case I needed it. So I am not sure if he will agree to another follow-up like that. I guess at least I now have a therapist I see every couple of weeks I can check in with.

[Tucson]

I apologize for this long post.

I feel listless today. I have been meandering through life for a couple decades now. Thinking about this is not helping me with my depression. Once again, I have spent money that I do not have to spend. What is wrong with me? I have not been able to get a job to pay off my debts. It seems that no one wants to hire me. I have applied at many of the big box stores like Target, Sears, Macys, Best Buy, and Dillards. All of them turned me down. I do not understand this. Is this age descrimination? I do not think so. Is this because I have a twenty year gap in my employment record? Why would this be a concern for this type of job? We are talking about part time retail work here. Many retirees have jobs like this with these same stores. There must be something wrong with me. In some cases, the prospective employer has never met me for an interview. They must be able to “smell” my mental illness before they even have met me. Oh well.

I have just found out my ex girlfriend, the mother of my daughter, lost her legal status here. The lawyer has been telling her that the immigration service has been working out a deal for her. What happened? Even her lawyer does not know what happened. We are now searching for another lawyer. I guess you get what you pay for. The legal services has been probono. This next one will cost money she does not have. This also has applied to my step son. He no longer has his work visa. This is probably President Trump at his greatest. I will miss them a great deal if they go back to Mexico.

Because of all of this, I have been feeling more depressed. There appears to be no solution to my current state of affairs. I am now afraid to look for my next job. Currently, I think I am not mentally fit for a job. My mind has not been working. Quite frequently I have been forgetting what I was doing at the time. I stop in the middle of a conversation unable to come up with the right words. I even have been forgetting what I was just talking about. I cannot think clearly. I have had to look up how to spell simple words. I have been leaving all sorts of things around the house, forgetting where I placed them. But then why am I able to write a coherent post like this one? What is going to happen next? I understand that Putin has been threatening to build more neuclear bombs. Wonderful. Just wonderful.

Woe is me. I hope all of you have been having a better time in your lives.

PS Right now words have been popping into my head, words that before this post I never knew I understood. Words from a long time ago. This also has been periodically happening to me. Bizzare. Really bizzare. Twilight Zone stuff.

PPS I see there have been only five threads here that others have posted to in this forum from yesterday. Is eveyone leaving this forum? I hope not.

[Unrigged64072835]

Originally Posted by Wild Coyote

I am sorry you are in so much pain.
Tuesday cannot come soon enough!


WC

Thanks, WC.

Ended up in the ER at midnight getting a Dilaudid shot with a big Tylenol chaser because I couldn’t lay down without a cruise ship full of pain. They also gave me Tramadol until Monday but hope I won’t need it. Just trying to rest more than anything. Husband still doesn’t understand that no bending means I don’t feed the cat, put away the dishes, make meals, etc. Ugh.

And all this because of taking out Christmas ornaments to decorate the tree. Sheesh.



Hope you’re feeling better too, hon.

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by Fharraige

Thanks, WC.

Ended up in the ER at midnight getting a Dilaudid shot with a big Tylenol chaser because I couldn’t lay down without a cruise ship full of pain. They also gave me Tramadol until Monday but hope I won’t need it. Just trying to rest more than anything. Husband still doesn’t understand that no bending means I don’t feed the cat, put away the dishes, make meals, etc. Ugh.

And all this because of taking out Christmas ornaments to decorate the tree. Sheesh.



Hope you’re feeling better too, hon.

Oh, wow! That's a lot of horrible pain.

I have a limited supply of dilaudid pills if/when I need them for breakthrough pain. The ER (shots) of dilaudid work much better in my opinion. It's a powerful med in any form.

I am so sorry your pain has exacerbated to the point of needing the ER; yet, am so glad you could make it into the ER.

I hope the Tramadol works well enough to keep you comfortable.
I hope hubby catches on quickly to your needs.

I am trying to do all I can to feel better, thank you!

I am so sorry you are in pain; I selfishly enjoy having you around.


WC

[Moose72]

Originally Posted by Tryingtobehappy5

Well big surprise that ended with me in a cell for the night lol. Told my H I felt like stabbing myself looking at the knives on the counter. I couldnt stop shaking my head and hyperventilating. And then all of a sudden I was sitting on the steps and look up and see the cops in my door. 4 cars lol, overkill. Now waiting at the hospital to talk to mental health. Maybe I should go back on meds now.

Wow. Once i got two cop cars blocking my car in when I said I was going to kill myself but not four. The hospital released me that night too.

[Moose72]

Originally Posted by Fharraige

Thanks, WC.

Ended up in the ER at midnight getting a Dilaudid shot with a big Tylenol chaser because I couldn’t lay down without a cruise ship full of pain. They also gave me Tramadol until Monday but hope I won’t need it. Just trying to rest more than anything. Husband still doesn’t understand that no bending means I don’t feed the cat, put away the dishes, make meals, etc. Ugh.

And all this because of taking out Christmas ornaments to decorate the tree. Sheesh.



Hope you’re feeling better too, hon.

Feel better soon!

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by Tryingtobehappy5

Well big surprise that ended with me in a cell for the night lol. Told my H I felt like stabbing myself looking at the knives on the counter. I couldnt stop shaking my head and hyperventilating. And then all of a sudden I was sitting on the steps and look up and see the cops in my door. 4 cars lol, overkill. Now waiting at the hospital to talk to mental health. Maybe I should go back on meds now.

I am glad you are safe.

You seem to be struggling quite a bit lately. Maybe meds will help?

Please take care of yourself, staying safe and finding stability.

Thanks for the update.

WC

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by bluebicycle

Feeling kind of depressed still.

Also, something scary happened this morning: My therapist broke into my apartment and started yelling things at me, but I couldn't see her anywhere. She was telepathically yelling at me. Then I heard banging that got progressively louder. I don't know if that was her too. But then she left

Sounds very frightening, Blue.

Is it possible to mention this to your pdoc (and your T)?
Is there something for which you think your therapist might want to yell?

I am very concerned about you.
Please stay safe.
We are here for you.

WC

[Moose72]

Peter was supposed to meet me here at starbucks - he said "2:30". Now its 10 after 3 and he's still not here. Either he's bad at time or... Im just pissed off because he does this a lot. Wastes my time. I could be making shortbread with my mom.

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by Blue_Bird

Had a great day yesterday! I only was able to sleep 4 and a half hours last night though but I feel good. I might go to the gym later, need to face some of my anxiety.

Need to study for my final exam.

I'm enjoying some coffee and listening to music right now

Hi Blue_Bird,

I'm sorry you haven't gotten more sleep. It sounds like you are highly motivated to reach some goals today. Thanks so much for the upbeat post!
I hope you are having a productive day!


WC

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by Moose72

Peter was supposed to meet me here at starbucks - he said "2:30". Now its 10 after 3 and he's still not here. Either he's bad at time or... Im just pissed off because he does this a lot. Wastes my time. I could be making shortbread with my mom.

If Peter does this a lot, it may be time to tell him how you feel about this. You might also tell him you are not going to wait more than "x" minutes for him in the future. You don't deserve to be treated this way.

Shortbread with mom sounds like fun!
Why not go to you mom's now?


WC

[Scooter9]

For the first time in a month I slept 11 hours. That's a good thing because I was really tired.

I've been getting myself into my hobby again and there's a lot to learn. I've also been learning lots of technical stuff outside of work. And then there's work, which is also technical. So no wonder I'm tired.

Thing is I'm still depressed. I'm just hoping that something out of all these activities sticks with me since I've lost interest in so much.

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by Scooter9

For the first time in a month I slept 11 hours. That's a good thing because I was really tired.

I've been getting myself into my hobby again and there's a lot to learn. I've also been learning lots of technical stuff outside of work. And then there's work, which is also technical. So no wonder I'm tired.

Thing is I'm still depressed. I'm just hoping that something out of all these activities sticks with me since I've lost interest in so much.

I, too, have lost interest in my hobbies, etc., when very depressed.
I think it's great you are still trying to gain interest.
It's a step in the right direction, IMHO.
I hope it pays off well for you!

WC

[tecomsin]

Hey WC, I often wonder what to say when responding to posts but then I look at your replies and often think to myself that was a response I would also hope to be able to write.

I've been through all kinds of denials before about the nature of my own mental illness but am in a better place now in accepting it and being vigilant about a few things like sleep. Once you have had psychotic thoughts they don't suddenly completely disappear. For instance, you have memories of what you were doing when you were having those thoughts and it can seem like a different person... but it isn't.

I really do think there's a profound divide between people who have psychosis as symptom and those who do not and wonder often why they are put into the same disease like bipolar.

[yellow_fleurs]

Originally Posted by Moose72

Peter was supposed to meet me here at starbucks - he said "2:30". Now its 10 after 3 and he's still not here. Either he's bad at time or... Im just pissed off because he does this a lot. Wastes my time. I could be making shortbread with my mom.

I think you at least deserved to be informed he will be running late so you can change your plans if you want, even if he isn't the best at time. Hope he showed up or you got to make shortbread!

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by tecomsin

Hey WC, I often wonder what to say when responding to posts but then I look at your replies and often think to myself that was a response I would also hope to be able to write.

I've been through all kinds of denials before about the nature of my own mental illness but am in a better place now in accepting it and being vigilant about a few things like sleep. Once you have had psychotic thoughts they don't suddenly completely disappear. For instance, you have memories of what you were doing when you were having those thoughts and it can seem like a different person... but it isn't.

I really do think there's a profound divide between people who have psychosis as symptom and those who do not and wonder often why they are put into the same disease like bipolar.

Thanks, tecomsin. I often do not know how to respond to posts, yet, I give it a whirl. Lol.

I do understand about the "memories of what you were doing when having those thoughts," at least to some extent. I have a lot of memories and when they arise, I often feel like I am in the same environment I was in when the memory was being processed. Maybe a bit similar?

I have been psychotic only a few times that I am aware of. It sometimes happens when I am under tremendous stress and severely depressed. I have also been very psychotic after a long surgery... and lots of meds involved. (A large percentage of post-op patients suffer from some form of delirium. I had all types of hallucinations and was very delusional for a few days inpatient.)

I don't think any case of bipolar (be it comparing BPI to BPI or BP II to BPII) are the same. At the same time, I agree with you that BPI and BPII can be very, very different. Yet, some people/bipolar experiences are right on the line between BPI and BPII. Still others progress from BPII to BPI; so I guess it is a "spectrum." (just thinking out loud here.)

For instance, both my H and I have a BPII diagnosis. His episodes "flirt" a bit more with BPI than do mine. At the same time, he is much more stable and much more functional (easier to treat/manage).

I do agree that it's very difficult for some people with BPII to fully understand what people with BPI endure (from an experiential viewpoint). Quite possibly vice versa?

I appreciate you sharing your thoughts and opinions. I feel you are a very intelligent person with outstanding thinking skills. I admire your ability to reason things out. I do learn a lot from you. I am grateful to you.


WC

[tecomsin]

Hey WC, I still think, experientially that having psychosis is a unique experience (independent of diagnosis) and it affects people in unique ways so don't understand why some people with BP have psychosis and some do not, as a definitional matter.

It was not about BP 1 and BP 2. That is more understandable to me as one having mania and the other not, to be very brief. You can sort of imagine mania as a speeded up version of hypomania and most BP 1's also have that, as well as the depressions.

I do agree it is possible to crossover from one diagnosis to another. Probably I was BP II until I had a manic breakdown in my 40 s, just misdiagnosed.

I just think it is unwise to mix people with psychosis into the same diagnosis as people without it.