[tecomsin]

I have done things when I was seriously ill that are morally wrong. I am not a very religious person but do feel guilt, remorse and regret at some of my actions and thoughts. Not all of it was due to the disease though but some of it was definitely out of character.

I am wondering how other people cope with these emotions.

[Unrigged64072835]

I’ve done a lot of wrong things in the past. I have compassion for others and myself, because of all the emotional pain. I know now that I’m not the same person that I was. That is the best amends that I can do.

[MickeyCheeky]

I'm so sorry you're struggling, tecomsin Please don't be too harsh on yourself. Anyone can make mistakes. What matters is that we're able to recognize them and learn from them. Not to mention it's understandable you would not act like yourself when you're not feeling stable. Try not to beat yourself up too much. You're a wonderful person, I'm sure of that, and I'm always happy when I see your kind and helpful posts here on PC. I'm sure many others are grateful for your presence here as well. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this

[Wild Coyote]

Hi Tecomsin,
I am sorry you have found yourself in this position.

I think this is a great question.

I have done a few things which were "out of character" when hypo. Even when some of them were 20+ years ago, I still feel both surprise, and sometimes, shame.

I try to employ self-compassion. I also know I would most likely forgive someone else, so why not myself? Easier said than done, for sure.

If I find I am obsessing about these things, I sometimes use a ritual to help me to stop. I write out the incident/event on paper (as detailed, or not, as I wish) and I then burn the paper. This sometimes helps.

I do not have a really good answer to share, unfortunately.

Thinking of you,


WC

[xRavenx]

((((Tecomsin))))

Sorry you're going through a hard time. I find myself reflecting on past mistakes and behaviors that were out of line or just outright embarrassing. Something that helps from time to time is reminding yourself that you are not the person that you were yesterday or the day before that.

As humans, we have the ability to constantly grow and learn from past experiences. Acknowledge that it is normal to feel guilt, but all you can do is move forward and try not to fixate on certain things too much. This is definitely a process and easier said and done, but we're all a work in progress.

[~Christina]

I have many situations from my past that really effect me 25 - 30 years ago . Still haunts me.

I agree with WC we have to learn to forgive ourself.

I’m still trying to come to terms with some things I have done.

Don’t beat yourself up I know easier said than done

I can even remember all of the "bad" things I did, most of which were verbal vomit and acid from manic disinhibited fury or other

[tecomsin]

Oh I'm sure there's lots I don't remember too, BirdDancer.

And I am sure much of it relates to the badness of my childhood. I thought I was adopted for many years because my sister and I were treated so differently, and i was a target for both my mom and dad to take out their unhappiness and frustration.

I think this bad feeling that either gets turned inward or outward [or both] comes from that early dehumanization. I was born into a hostile world. To me this seems like the origin of all the badness. There's also the possibility that my father is a sociopath and I inherited some tendencies to be antisocial.

Each post here has given me something to meditate on and come to terms with my grief. It's a difficult subject to write about and takes some time to really digest. I like the suggestion to write it down and then destroy the document. There are things I would not confess to any living soul.

Sometimes, when it is too much, I try to focus on what I am grateful for. I still can provide a home for my son. That is the big thing.

I told my therapist not long ago that when I was younger I had a tendency to be like Teflon. Things I didn't want to accept responsibility for would just roll off my back. But I later realized that that was not entirely true. Such acts of mine and their ramifications dwelled somewhat hidden in my brain. Though I didn't ruminate about them, the stress did eventually show itself in various ways.

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by tecomsin

Oh I'm sure there's lots I don't remember too, BirdDancer.

And I am sure much of it relates to the badness of my childhood. I thought I was adopted for many years because my sister and I were treated so differently, and i was a target for both my mom and dad to take out their unhappiness and frustration.

I think this bad feeling that either gets turned inward or outward [or both] comes from that early dehumanization. I was born into a hostile world. To me this seems like the origin of all the badness. There's also the possibility that my father is a sociopath and I inherited some tendencies to be antisocial.

Each post here has given me something to meditate on and come to terms with my grief. It's a difficult subject to write about and takes some time to really digest. I like the suggestion to write it down and then destroy the document. There are things I would not confess to any living soul.

Sometimes, when it is too much, I try to focus on what I am grateful for. I still can provide a home for my son. That is the big thing.

I am so sorry your childhood was tough. I do think those of us with rough childhoods are somehow affected for a lifetime, even if we forgive and become healthier.

(((((( tecomsin ))))))

My heart goes out to you.
With Love and Appreciation,


WC

[tecomsin]

When I was little my father would come in to the bathroom whilst I was having a bath and laugh at me while i was squirming then he would take pictures.

He would be laughing at how funny it was to him. It was sick.

Fortunately he never touched me sexually although he would get a hard on when he beat me with a whip when I was a teenager. My mom would tell him how 'bad' i was and then when he came home from work he would pour a drink and come in and whip me. He was either beating her or me.

My mother was a clinical psychologist. She died many years ago and I still cannot figure out much about her except she was much closer to my sister than to me and to me, a hypocrite. My father is alive but no longer part of my life. I decided I finally had enough of his harmful acts.

I feel grateful I have never sexually abused another human being, so I am a step up from my father. My father is an alcoholic bipolar btw.

[tecomsin]

Originally Posted by BirdDancer

I told my therapist not long ago that when I was younger I had a tendency to be like Teflon. Things I didn't want to accept responsibility for would just roll off my back. But I later realized that that was not entirely true. Such acts of mine and their ramifications dwelled somewhat hidden in my brain. Though I didn't ruminate about them, the stress did eventually show itself in various ways.

That's quite insightful. I'm not exactly clear where my resistance to accepting responsibility came from. This stress is something that preceded my first breakdown and contributed to it. I think at some level I didn't know how to be a decent human being. Life was just this chaotic soup I was struggling to survive in. I went from one catastrophe to another but managed to climb up in my career despite all setbacks, but I didn't gain much in terms of humanity till I learned in therapy how to cope better with the conflicts with my son and my part in all of that too. We have much less conflict now but everynow and then some of it leaks out.

My mind goes between thinking i am a horrible person to thinking that can't possibly be true.

[Wild Coyote]

Tecomsin,

You show a lot of concern and compassion toward others here.
You also extend yourself and try to help.

These are not traits of a "horrible person."
I hope you will come to see yourself as a very decent human being.

WC

[Wild Coyote]

I am very sorry you parents action/inactions did not reflect your intrinsic worth. I do feel this can have a lifetime effect.

I live with similar memories. My father was a very violent man, taking his rage out on others via overt physical and psychological abuse. We'd lived in a very volatile home. My mother eventually saw her way clear to divorcing him. He was still violent and, often, sadistic during court-ordered unsupervised visitation. I was very traumatized by his behaviors.

I still cringe if/when I see a picture of him or experience other reminders of him. (He eventually took his own life.)

While our experiences are similar they are not exactly the same, I understand. I, in no way, mean to minimize your suffering.
I think your dad specifically targeting you with his abuse must have been very traumatizing. That's an understatement. Words escape me.

Despite our histories and the trauma, I happen to think we are both decent people.


WC

[tecomsin]

Originally Posted by Wild Coyote

I am very sorry you parents action/inactions did not reflect your intrinsic worth. I do feel this can have a lifetime effect.

I live with similar memories. My father was a very violent man, taking his rage out on others via overt physical and psychological abuse. We'd lived in a very volatile home. My mother eventually saw her way clear to divorcing him. He was still violent and, often, sadistic during court-ordered unsupervised visitation. I was very traumatized by his behaviors.

I still cringe if/when I see a picture of him or experience other reminders of him. (He eventually took his own life.)

While our experiences are similar they are not exactly the same, I understand. I, in no way, mean to minimize your suffering.
I think your dad specifically targeting you with his abuse must have been very traumatizing. That's an understatement. Words escape me.

Despite our histories and the trauma, I happen to think we are both decent people.


WC

I'm so sorry to read you also had a violent father. Of course that he was so and also committed suicide would continue to affect you to this day. Maybe that is one of the things that brings us together.

My father was verbally and emotionally abusive to my sister to, but never hit her. My mother protected my sister from that. I feel most let down by my mother. I didn't have a loving relationship with either parent. I didn't know what it meant to have a good relationship with another person until I started working on it with my son, and even then it is a work in progress.

I also think spending a lot of time alone can make one start to think that one is worthless. I do feel abandoned by society. I'm not part of the fast paced professional world any more and failed to make lasting friends in my life. I can start to have really angry thoughts and just want the whole world to rip apart to still my emotional pain. Fortunately I was never in to self-harming but can see how some peopel can get addicted to it.

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by tecomsin

I'm so sorry to read you also had a violent father. Of course that he was so and also committed suicide would continue to affect you to this day. Maybe that is one of the things that brings us together.

My father was verbally and emotionally abusive to my sister to, but never hit her. My mother protected my sister from that. I feel most let down by my mother. I didn't have a loving relationship with either parent. I didn't know what it meant to have a good relationship with another person until I started working on it with my son, and even then it is a work in progress.

I also think spending a lot of time alone can make one start to think that one is worthless. I do feel abandoned by society. I'm not part of the fast paced professional world any more and failed to make lasting friends in my life. I can start to have really angry thoughts and just want the whole world to rip apart to still my emotional pain. Fortunately I was never in to self-harming but can see how some peopel can get addicted to it.

We all look to our parents to protect us. It had to be so very devastating to have your mother protecting your sister and not you, too.

I never felt I was as protected as most of my siblings. After their divorce, there was, as I have mentioned, court-ordered unsupervised visitation. Unfortunately, one of my brothers and I were my dad's "favorites." My parents would negotiate visitation by agreeing my brother and I would go with my father while others were able to stay safe(r) at home. I'd felt very betrayed. My brother and I were constantly placed in further jeopardy as a part of a "deal." (This kept my father from pursuing access to all siblings, so was seen as a reasonable "bargain." I'd had 5 siblings.)

My brother has passed on, before he had resolved much. He'd initiated talking with me about his inability to resolve the trauma on his death bed. This had truly devastated him and had messed up his life and his relationships, due to the extreme pain. We'd remained very close as adults and I still miss him every day.

I have chosen to work on trying to understand and to forgive my mother. it's been a lot of work. Fortunately, she has been relatively accessible and I have been able to work on this with her. Our relationship is healed enough now where she lives with me and my H. We help her with her many needs as she grows older.

I am sorry your mother has passed on. You have not had a chance to work on healing with her.

I whole-heartily agree that social isolation impedes our realizing our worthiness. We need others to assist by reflecting our worthiness back to us.

I am sorry the pain continues so immense.
I totally understand this. While there has been some healing in my life, the effects of the severe/ongoing trauma still haunts me.

I did not know whether to share or not. Yet, you have been courageous enough to share, which I do admire. I only hope that my sharing has, somehow, been helpful. I want you to know you are not alone. I know I feel less alone with my traumatic experiences (and the related effects) because of your openness.

Thank you for sharing.
My heart goes out to you, tecomsin.


WC

[Moose72]

My dad is an alcoholic. It wasnt until my teens that he really abused us. Hed come home drunk and go to bed. My sister and i were left to fend for ourselves. I spent a lot of my kids younger years not around too. But at the same time i took them out for fun times and teaching them lifes little moments. My dad too. Its a mix that I find hard to understand. I was also sexually abused by an older classmate for 3 years. Why didnt i stop it? I regret yelling at my kids and mom in a manic rage. Just so much to regret.

[tecomsin]

Thank you so much for sharing, WC. I didn't know what would come tumbling out of me in this thread. I've never told another living soul about my Dad taking those pictures.

It's so sad your brother passed without resolution and being able to fully open up. I'm so happy for you that you have your mother and made a kind of peace with her.

My mother was sending me angry, almost hateful letters up until the day she died. I don't even know where she got the energy to put so much criticism down on paper. I couldn't even read most of the letters they were so negative. I would travel to stay with her in hospital and at home for some periods while she was dying of cancer but it seems that almost everything I did was wrong in her mind.

My mother also finally divorced my father, but then shortly after got diagnosed with cancer. When they were separated already but my Dad still apparently came to the house I brought my boyfriend from uni home with me for a holiday. One day I woke up and my boyfriend was gone. I had no idea where he was. A day or two later I finally reached him on his home phone (it was a 14 hour drive from uni to home).

My Dad had told him that I was a terrible person and he should get away from me. He drove him to the airport and put him on the plane and sent him on his way. When I told my mom what had happened, she didn't have any words to console me. She just said 'your dad did this to get at me'.

[downandlonely]

Originally Posted by Moose72

My dad is an alcoholic. It wasnt until my teens that he really abused us. Hed come home drunk and go to bed. My sister and i were left to fend for ourselves. I spent a lot of my kids younger years not around too. But at the same time i took them out for fun times and teaching them lifes little moments. My dad too. Its a mix that I find hard to understand. I was also sexually abused by an older classmate for 3 years. Why didnt i stop it? I regret yelling at my kids and mom in a manic rage. Just so much to regret.

I can't comment on the yelling, but the sexual abuse was not your fault. You were a child and dealing with an older classmate. Abusers can terrify children into thinking that it is their fault and that something bad will happen to them if they tell anyone what's going on. They try to pass the guilt on to their victims. I hope in time you will learn that the abuse was not your fault.

[Moose72]

Originally Posted by downandlonely

I can't comment on the yelling, but the sexual abuse was not your fault. You were a child and dealing with an older classmate. Abusers can terrify children into thinking that it is their fault and that something bad will happen to them if they tell anyone what's going on. They try to pass the guilt on to their victims. I hope in time you will learn that the abuse was not your fault.

Adults definitely found out what was going on. My teacher! He told me "not to do that agaiin until you are grown up". I have no idea if the boy's parents were contacted. I think so. Mine werent and I lived in fear that they would. I finally told them when they gave me my sex ed talk.

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by tecomsin

Thank you so much for sharing, WC. I didn't know what would come tumbling out of me in this thread. I've never told another living soul about my Dad taking those pictures.

It's so sad your brother passed without resolution and being able to fully open up. I'm so happy for you that you have your mother and made a kind of peace with her.

My mother was sending me angry, almost hateful letters up until the day she died. I don't even know where she got the energy to put so much criticism down on paper. I couldn't even read most of the letters they were so negative. I would travel to stay with her in hospital and at home for some periods while she was dying of cancer but it seems that almost everything I did was wrong in her mind.

My mother also finally divorced my father, but then shortly after got diagnosed with cancer. When they were separated already but my Dad still apparently came to the house I brought my boyfriend from uni home with me for a holiday. One day I woke up and my boyfriend was gone. I had no idea where he was. A day or two later I finally reached him on his home phone (it was a 14 hour drive from uni to home).

My Dad had told him that I was a terrible person and he should get away from me. He drove him to the airport and put him on the plane and sent him on his way. When I told my mom what had happened, she didn't have any words to console me. She just said 'your dad did this to get at me'.

This is so hurtful, so painful, so sad. I am so very sorry, tecomsin.
Again, words fail me. I know the pain is immense.
Please continue taking good care of yourself.


WC