[Blue_Bird]

Originally Posted by Wild Coyote

How did it go the first night?

I hope you find Seroquel helpful.



WC

Thank you!

I slept normal for the first time in almost a month. My thoughts aren't racing and I'm not agitated. It's wonderful, I feel peace for the first time in quite awhile

I'm so relieved, I felt like I was being tortured for several weeks with all the symptoms and lack of sleep.

I hope you're doing well WC!

[Nammu]

So happy you found relief blue bird! That's great.

[Guiness187055]

Very unproductive day today. I laid on the couch all day in and out of sleep. Not really depressed just worried about future events. Had a panic attack and took a xanax. Going to try to make meatloaf, spaghetti squash, and mashed potatoes for dinner if I get up some energy. Hope all are having a good day.

[Guiness187055]

Originally Posted by Blue_Bird

Thank you!

I slept normal for the first time in almost a month. My thoughts aren't racing and I'm not agitated. It's wonderful, I feel peace for the first time in quite awhile

I'm so relieved, I felt like I was being tortured for several weeks with all the symptoms and lack of sleep.

I hope you're doing well WC!

Glad to hear it. I wish seroquel put me to sleep. Enjoy your good night rests.

[wildflowerchild25]

Still depressed. Took RS to meet my brother and sister in law last night. They really liked him. But it was too much noise for me. I stuck it out until 10pm and then I used to excuse that I had to take my son home so I could get out of there. I usually love hanging out with them but I’m usually drinking and I’ve lost my taste for alcohol. I had half a glass of wine, that’s it. And I didn’t enjoy it. I just don’t like the taste of most alcohols anymore. My brother kept mailing me try IPAs and they were nasty. He wasn’t being mean about it though. Just trying to share his “delicious” beer with me.

I’m just not happy. Even with RS there, usually I never want him to leave but I just wanted to be alone. But I had him spend the night so I wouldn’t be alone feeling sorry for myself. It was nice to sleep next to someone again and wake up to kisses. We had a nice breakfast at the diner. I wasn’t sure I was going to be able to stomach anything but I was able to eat French toast and some bacon. I think I did have a virus on Wednesday and Thursday because the extreme nausea is gone. Now I’m just left with the lack of appetite. That’s normal for me In depression. At least it will help me lose weight. I need to lose 13 pounds.

The house is a mess but I can’t motivate myself to clean it. I need to do laundry too but again, motivations. I’m just sitting on the couch like a lump. I’m making my son make his own hardboiled eggs so I don’t have to get up and make him dinner. But it’s also good. He is eight years old, he can learn to cook now. I did do something nice for myself though. I had some extra money from Christmas so I got professional highlights done. They look good.

Im counting myself lucky that the depression is still mild-moderate. We will see how it goes. I need to find a new pdoc ASAP. I might pay my current one out of pocket until I can get in with a new one.

One good thing is my brother and his wife said they would take Chris overnight one night so me and RS can have a night out. I’m gonna plan a night in the mountains for us. Go to a nice little bed and breakfast and have some alone time. Not sure when but it’ll be nice. B&Bs up there are only like $150 a night and the mountains are only 2 hours away. I just have to kick this depression first.

Sigh. ****ing winter. Gets me every year.

[Unrigged64072835]

Hope everyone is doing okay.

New hair stylist texted me early this morning. Said she had either food poisoning or the flu—she couldn’t tell. She would contact me later today or tomorrow to reschedule.

Lights are down, tree is put away. Ladder is upstairs. Need to bring up vacuum and buckets to clean upstairs. Plus laundry and vacuuming the main rooms tomorrow. Thud!!

I will survive this, I will.

[Sunflower123]

Originally Posted by Wild Coyote

I am so sorry you are going through this.
I agree with Nammu about scents/odors being powerful triggers.
Sounds like the way you were treated by the sitter was very toxic to you; understandably so.

I have found the odor of Pinesol lingers for awhile.

How are you doing today?

Thinking of you.

WC

That did really knock me for a loop but I’m slowly coming around. I have a diffuser set up with lavender essential oil to mask the smell.

I found out today that we have relatives coming to stay Wednesday to see for themselves that Mom is ok. That’s just the nightmare that keeps on giving but for some reason I got tickled and had a really good belly laugh over it. I guess why not? I’ll work on being a good hostess. Maybe I’ll let them help out and take myself out to dinner and a movie.

Thank you for asking. I really appreciate you.

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25

Still depressed. Took RS to meet my brother and sister in law last night. They really liked him. But it was too much noise for me. I stuck it out until 10pm and then I used to excuse that I had to take my son home so I could get out of there. I usually love hanging out with them but I’m usually drinking and I’ve lost my taste for alcohol. I had half a glass of wine, that’s it. And I didn’t enjoy it. I just don’t like the taste of most alcohols anymore. My brother kept mailing me try IPAs and they were nasty. He wasn’t being mean about it though. Just trying to share his “delicious” beer with me.

I’m just not happy. Even with RS there, usually I never want him to leave but I just wanted to be alone. But I had him spend the night so I wouldn’t be alone feeling sorry for myself. It was nice to sleep next to someone again and wake up to kisses. We had a nice breakfast at the diner. I wasn’t sure I was going to be able to stomach anything but I was able to eat French toast and some bacon. I think I did have a virus on Wednesday and Thursday because the extreme nausea is gone. Now I’m just left with the lack of appetite. That’s normal for me In depression. At least it will help me lose weight. I need to lose 13 pounds.

The house is a mess but I can’t motivate myself to clean it. I need to do laundry too but again, motivations. I’m just sitting on the couch like a lump. I’m making my son make his own hardboiled eggs so I don’t have to get up and make him dinner. But it’s also good. He is eight years old, he can learn to cook now. I did do something nice for myself though. I had some extra money from Christmas so I got professional highlights done. They look good.

Im counting myself lucky that the depression is still mild-moderate. We will see how it goes. I need to find a new pdoc ASAP. I might pay my current one out of pocket until I can get in with a new one.

One good thing is my brother and his wife said they would take Chris overnight one night so me and RS can have a night out. I’m gonna plan a night in the mountains for us. Go to a nice little bed and breakfast and have some alone time. Not sure when but it’ll be nice. B&Bs up there are only like $150 a night and the mountains are only 2 hours away. I just have to kick this depression first.

Sigh. ****ing winter. Gets me every year.

Must truly be nice to be having a relationship with such a compassionate man. I hope you feel better soon!

WC

[wildflowerchild25]

Originally Posted by Wild Coyote

Must truly be nice to be having a relationship with such a compassionate man. I hope you feel better soon!

WC

Thanks WC! It is. Tonight I did something I’ve never done with any of my relationships, including my husband. I was actually honest about being depressed and asked him to come over just to hold me and get me out of my head for awhile. I’ve never asked for help from a boyfriend or even my husband because I’m so ashamed of it. But he said he’d be right there and came over immediately. We just talked and cuddled in bed and now I feel better. And he really touched my heart; he said he’s been doing research about bipolar so he can learn how to best help me. No ones ever done that for me before. I’m so so lucky to have found him. I hope he stays around for a long time. I still don’t trust that I won’t drive him away with my moods but we HAVE only been together for seven weeks. That will come in time.

[Victoria'smom]

I was so frustrated with my dad today. He said most homeless were mentally ill and dangerous. DUDE you have 3 kids with serious mental illness, come on.

[TheSeaCat]

Hi guys today I went on a date with M and we went out to dinner (I kinda cheated on my diet a little bit) and we went to see Bumblebee which was a really good movie for what it was; one of the better Transformer movies; but it basically focuses on Bumblebee's backstory and his first partner in crime. Anyway we cuddled through most of the movie and had a nice make out in his Jeep outside my house. I also went to the gym with the roommate and had a nice ground yoga session before heading to the pool for floating yoga on a surfboard which was really fun and is making me gain some of my cheerleading flexibility back not to mention yoga just feels really good and head cleansing.

Hugs to everyone

yesterday I struggled a lot with abandonment issues (it was due to that girl leaving recently). they were really bad and I ended up sitting their talking to myself about my funeral (which may or may not happen, I'm seriously thinking about not having one). I really don't think anyone would even turn up.

no sleep yesterday again- not even any traces of rest or tiredness

today I'd be quite happy to do "**** all". sit on a chair, look at the wall and think about my existance and what a mess it is

probably not going to get me anywhere though.. need to at least try to be productive.

[Aurelius710]

Had insomnia for the past few days which for me manifests something like 36 hours up and 12-18 down when I finally finally crash. Well, I finally crashed, which is all well and good, considering how useless I am after a day and a half of sleeplessness, but !#$@ me for wanting to be productive, right? I think I'm going to drive to my hometown today (a couple of hours away) and see friends and family down there. Try and take my mind off of insomnia, schoolwork and failure for the time being.

my throat hurts from screaming...

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25

Thanks WC! It is. Tonight I did something I’ve never done with any of my relationships, including my husband. I was actually honest about being depressed and asked him to come over just to hold me and get me out of my head for awhile. I’ve never asked for help from a boyfriend or even my husband because I’m so ashamed of it. But he said he’d be right there and came over immediately. We just talked and cuddled in bed and now I feel better. And he really touched my heart; he said he’s been doing research about bipolar so he can learn how to best help me. No ones ever done that for me before. I’m so so lucky to have found him. I hope he stays around for a long time. I still don’t trust that I won’t drive him away with my moods but we HAVE only been together for seven weeks. That will come in time.

That's awesome!

W C

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by raging vortex

yesterday I struggled a lot with abandonment issues (it was due to that girl leaving recently). they were really bad and I ended up sitting their talking to myself about my funeral (which may or may not happen, I'm seriously thinking about not having one). I really don't think anyone would even turn up.

no sleep yesterday again- not even any traces of rest or tiredness

today I'd be quite happy to do "**** all". sit on a chair, look at the wall and think about my existance and what a mess it is

probably not going to get me anywhere though.. need to at least try to be productive.

(((((( raging vortex )))))))

I have days like that, too.
So sorry about your friend.
I hope you have a better day.

WC

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by Miguel'smom

I was so frustrated with my dad today. He said most homeless were mentally ill and dangerous. DUDE you have 3 kids with serious mental illness, come on.

So many people misunderstand mental illness, often including our family members. I can see why you'd be upset.


WC

[Blue_Bird]

Another night of fantastic sleep. Feeling good I'm so thankful

[Gabyunbound]

My mother is very ill with MS; she's in an electric wheelchair. She also has COPD and other health issues. She lives 1.5 hours from me, and 1 hr from my brother. My brother is insisting that we buy land near where he lives and form a 'compound' for the family. We would all live there in different houses, but all on the same land, within walking distance from each other. My brother says that I need to live there to take care of my mother because he doesn't have time (3 kids).

I don't want to do it. I refuse to move from where I am, which I love, and which is close to work. I don't want to live in a frickn' 'compound' which would probably be prohibitively expensive and is pure fantasy for both my brother and mother, especially for my brother. I suggested we get her a house around equidistant from his house and mine (so we'd each be about 15 mins from her) and he said absolutely not because we wouldn't be within walking distance...

He and I have fought over this multiple times. He has major anger issues, and when he starts to yell at me I freeze up and when it's in person, I sometimes get scared; not that he'll hit me or something, but just scared.

I saw my theraist the other day and we did role playing, which was very helpful. She thinks this whole thing is very unfair to me (I'm the only one making sacrifices, and he's being very controlling, etc. and positing "preposterous" reasons why I need to live with them). In any case, after the role playing I feel stronger; I feel like I can talk to him about this without falling apart and will be able to say to him "no" under no circumstances, instead of saying no and then getting wishy-washy after he's yelled at me and guilted me and bullied me.

I'm afraid that this will affect our relationship. I moved here almost 2 years ago to be closer to family, and espeically to him and my nephews. He is my support system here, really the only one that is, or has been, strong.

Re my mother, I should add that she has homecare which helps her enormously and could/will get more as she deteriorates. She needs to be closer to us, but it's not necessary that I be there, within walking distance, for god's sake, in order for her to have a good life.

This has all caused a great deal of stress and sadness. I'm feeling depressed, in fact, and just want to spend all day in bed, which is what I did yesterday. But I have so much to do, and back to work tomorrow. I don't need meds, this is purely situational, but I need support. Fortunately, I'm getting it from my best friend (who unfortunately lives far away), a couple close colleagues, and a couple of other people from the family (which my brother is estranged from, in large part, because of his anger issues, and being so controlling).

To be clear, I love my brother very very much. And he can be lovely and generous, and nurturing and just a wonderful brother. But if he does not take control of his anger and controlling ways, I'm afriad we will regularly be running into problems with each other. I'm afraid we won't be close anymore once I've told him "NO" absolutely no, when it comes to the compound, but I need to stand up for myself, and do what is best for myself. As it is, I'm the one who calls my mother every day, visits her more than him, organizes her home care and medical appointments; and I go to every appointment I can. And I love her very much too. But I wish she, too, would give up on this fantasy of a 'compound.'

[wildflowerchild25]

I’m sorry to be posting all this negative ****. I feel awful. It’s only 11:52a and I’ve only been up for twenty minutes. And yet I’m fighting back tears. I already grabbed my son and yelled at him for getting ice cream on the couch. I yelled at him for climbing on me. I’m wondering how I’m gonna be able to handle anything at all today. I’m starving but I can’t eat. I’m gonna try to choke down a bagel.

****. I feel like all I do is complain right now. I don’t want to drive RS away by being sad all the time. He won’t understand it. He won’t want to be with me anymore.

I think I’m going to call my pdoc tomorrow and try to get in. I’ll pay out of pocket until I can I get in to a new one. I have some money left over from Christmas. I’m sure it’s only $200 or so. I think if she raises my lamictal I might feel better. I hope anyway.

[Sunflower123]

My sister is coming over to sit with mom and my brother while my daughter and I go out to eat and to a movie. Any day I get to spend time with her is so precious to me that I’m feeling particularly positive today. She leaves tomorrow to head back to college

I think we’ll all be okay (fingers crossed). I’ve worked out a rhythm to get all the bases covered so I’m not so exhausted or stressed. I do have my moments but I try to stay positive and patient. Most days I do have SI but I’ve had that for so many years now that I’m used to surfing that wave.

Sending hugs and positive vibes to all for a peaceful Sunday.

[Nammu]

So glad your getting some one to one daughter time before she heads back!

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967

My sister is coming over to sit with mom and my brother while my daughter and I go out to eat and to a movie. Any day I get to spend time with her is so precious to me that I’m feeling particularly positive today. She leaves tomorrow to head back to college

I think we’ll all be okay (fingers crossed). I’ve worked out a rhythm to get all the bases covered so I’m not so exhausted or stressed. I do have my moments but I try to stay positive and patient. Most days I do have SI but I’ve had that for so many years now that I’m used to surfing that wave.

Sending hugs and positive vibes to all for a peaceful Sunday.

I am glad to read your sister is continuing to be helpful.
So glad you and your daughter are able to spend some time alone.

It can be very exhausting to be a caretaker, as you know. I hope you can get some breaks and do not lose sight of your needs. It's a challenge to stay balanced when there are so many needs around us.

I also experience SI and have for many years. It never goes away. Some days are better than others.

I hope you have fun with your daughter!


Wc

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by Aurelius710

Had insomnia for the past few days which for me manifests something like 36 hours up and 12-18 down when I finally finally crash. Well, I finally crashed, which is all well and good, considering how useless I am after a day and a half of sleeplessness, but !#$@ me for wanting to be productive, right? I think I'm going to drive to my hometown today (a couple of hours away) and see friends and family down there. Try and take my mind off of insomnia, schoolwork and failure for the time being.

Insomnia can be very trying.I hope the visit to your hometown is helpful.

WC

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25

I’m sorry to be posting all this negative ****. I feel awful. It’s only 11:52a and I’ve only been up for twenty minutes. And yet I’m fighting back tears. I already grabbed my son and yelled at him for getting ice cream on the couch. I yelled at him for climbing on me. I’m wondering how I’m gonna be able to handle anything at all today. I’m starving but I can’t eat. I’m gonna try to choke down a bagel.

****. I feel like all I do is complain right now. I don’t want to drive RS away by being sad all the time. He won’t understand it. He won’t want to be with me anymore.

I think I’m going to call my pdoc tomorrow and try to get in. I’ll pay out of pocket until I can I get in to a new one. I have some money left over from Christmas. I’m sure it’s only $200 or so. I think if she raises my lamictal I might feel better. I hope anyway.

I am sorry you are having a rough time.
I can relate to your concerns about how my depression and struggles effect those around me.

Please don't be concerned about your posts. We all understand, care, and are here to support you.

I hope things get better for you asap.


WC