[Blueberrybook]

Originally Posted by Wander

Being mixed is pure hell. I’ve spent years in that state. I feel your pain. Is there anything your pdoc can do? After years of hell I haven’t been mixed for over a month. That’s a long time for me. It was a med change(the hundredth) that seemed to do the trick.

IDK, I've been on so many meds, different combos, etc. Nothing is perfect; this probably works as well as anything else I've tried (before it stopped working). He did low the dose of Seroquel back to 400 mg, so at least, I shouldn't feel quite so tired. I usually can take a lot of medication for my size; even the dentist was amazed how fast I blew through anesthetic when I was getting the setup for 2 crowns. 400 mg of Seroquel/night I'm fine on, but 500 mg is just too much for me, leaves me groggy in the daytime.

The pdoc wanted me back in therapy ASAP, so I have an appt. on Sat. morning on the 16th. Maybe it will help. Pdoc seems to think it will at least help with the panic disorder and times I've had severe depression & constant losing of important things (cell phone, credit card, car keys). Stupid mixed, I can't concentrate on anything much lately.

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by Innerzone

Oh that sucks!! I'd like to give your fibromyalgia what for and a half!! Tell it to not play so mean. Or better yet, not to play at all!! I hope the weather evens out, though spring (are we there yet?) is not exactly known for that, is it? Still, we can hope.



Oooooh, for your neck -- oww! I don't know if it's the same for necks, but some zings and pokes were worse than others. Result was they are referring me for surgery (carpal tunnel -- left side this time). Which is just fine. I just want the pain gone. (Oh how I wish your fibro had a thing to fix it!) Are they going to be able to fix anything related to your nerve conduction study?


And yes, forgot to mention -- periodically took 1/4 xanax (needed to calm, not sleep, lol) and I'm SURE that had a lot to do with not crying, just on account of not being (quite) so freaked out. The "safety blanket" nestled next to the tissues right in my pocket...


Thanks for the well-wishes for job-hunting. It's always a big challenge (especially being older with no in-demand marketable skills whatsoever ).


I hope you feel a LOT better soon!!!!

Fibro still hasn’t flipped off yet

I have another illness to add “ spinal stenosis “ go me !!! I have both physical therapy exercises for frozen shoulder too , ain’t nothing helping a thing. Hell to get old.

I give you credit it’s not easy to split a Xanax in 4 pieces kudos !!!!

I hate to see you go through so much hell just finding a job that doesn’t pluck you all up. If I didn’t have all the physical health problems I’d try to find something pt but I’m old and lack skills for stuff around here. I get so weary of life sometimes. But I keep waking up on the right side of the earth. My husband and kid would miss me. So there’s that.

Try to go back to your old job , maybe something can be worked out ?

Many : hug:’s

[cashart10]

Originally Posted by Innerzone

Survived and managed not to cry. (Had tissues in my pocket at the ready though.) Go me.

Still, I loathe it and don't feel like I know jack-diddly. Like, just because they said I "passed" (pity pass, trust me) doesn't mean I should be put on a register. The complexity of their policies and all the crap they do is ASTOUNDING. (A nearly 2" stack of paper filled with minutia I'm supposed to "know"(!!!!) Let alone verbal stuff.) And all end with the caveat that if you mess it up, you will be disciplined "up to and including termination". **** that. Living in constant fear of being fired like that is no way to live. I would never do something bad intentionally, but innocent errors from sheer confusion? Another story.

I've been holding off on just asking to go back to my old job, but only because they know I'd be looking for something else, and that doesn't seem quite fair on them. But maybe I'm just being overly-considerate.(?)

I have today off. TG!!

This experience has definitely fueled my already well-established distaste and distrust of big corporations. (I thought this one was somewhat regional, but of course it turned out they had been gobbled up by a large national chain.) Can't wait to burn that damn name badge! And not have 3(!) employee numbers.

Sorry, veering off into a rant!

I need to call the people that were my "team". I've had the meds right along, but no therapy, and that's not good going through this.

Many hugs all around. Sorry I've been kind of wrapped in this situation.

I’m so sorry! This is such a horrible situation for you! I hope you are able to get back to your old job!

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by cashart10

My music is speaking to me. I was listening to Jeremy Camp’s version of “Give me Jesus” and some of the lyrics are: when I come to die...just give me Jesus. Well, when I heard it,

Possible trigger:

I thought that I was supposed to die and thought while I was driving that I needed to take my life to meet him.

Thankfully, it wasnÂ’t a thought I hung onto but it was something I felt passionately at the time.


As far as my day, I went to group, then ran some errands, was wrapped up in my head the whole day. Then, I took an extremely long shower and listened to praise music the entire time. The specific worship music I listened to takes me back to a time when I was incredibly spiritual and had an extraordinary and magnificent relationship with the Holy Spirit. That music choice, of course, was deliberate but I couldnÂ’t seem to help it and it had (and is having) a haunting effect on me. In fact, IÂ’ve been listening to that music the last few days. I need to have purpose again.


I talked to my therapist yesterday about that episode from 7 years ago. We have talked about it many times but never like this because she said my thoughts are delusional and she has never seen that from me. We walked through the details of those 6-8 months and how it could have been faith and illness...that they aren’t mutually exclusive. I’m having trouble believing that right now though. Like with my 6 hour shower...she said, I assure you, that water was ice cold. She said no one has a water heater that would last that long. She compared it to someone really high on drugs. Then she asked if I believed her. All I could say was that her reasoning was logical but it could have been a miracle. That water was still hot after 6 hours and I only turned that water off because God himself said to me “Sarah, turn off the water.” I believe it was a miracle.


My husband also tried being the voice of reason...he said if I canÂ’t recognize mania as anything other than spiritual, then I should try to recognize the depression. Why are they so long and debilitating? He said that would make it seem like God is using me as a voodoo doll, just poking me whenever he so pleases.


I get it; I really do. IÂ’m just having trouble with acceptance. I am currently still taking my meds though. I am having faith in a very trustworthy treatment team and family who wants the best for me. I donÂ’t want to go into the hospital and every single person tells me IÂ’ll go right there if I stop my meds right now. I donÂ’t think I would belong there but I donÂ’t think they would agree. Just because something is not socially acceptable does not mean it makes me ill. I do think the meds are bad for me and I am SURE they are stunting the faith that is currently overcoming me. Faith I never want to let go of again. Faith I want to pass through my generations. Faith that defines my life.

Please consider IP , I worry your going down a bad road and quickly. 6 hour shower ? Where were your kids or husband ? Did they not get you out of there just because no one takes a shower for that long ???

Worried about you

[Pookyl]

I’m still cheerfully sui.
I don’t want to say what’s in my head because I don’t want to trigger anyone. I didn’t contact my pdoc yesterday because I didn’t want to. I’ve told my husband this morning what’s going on and he fed me some Seroquel

[cashart10]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

Please consider IP , I worry your going down a bad road and quickly. 6 hour shower ? Where were your kids or husband ? Did they not get you out of there just because no one takes a shower for that long ???

Worried about you

The shower occurred in that time frame 7 years ago. I should have made that clear. I’ll go back to edit it. It was the middle of the night between 12-6. I had 2 kids at the time. They were both sleeping and I hadn’t slept in days. My husband was petrified but every time he walked in the bathroom I would get frustrated and insist it was the Holy Spirit and he must leave immediately. However, I have many times come to that shower as like a stepping stone. Either the Holy Spirit did some amazing things through me that night or I am mentally ill. It was so extreme that there is no one or the other.

[cashart10]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

Please consider IP , I worry your going down a bad road and quickly. 6 hour shower ? Where were your kids or husband ? Did they not get you out of there just because no one takes a shower for that long ???

Worried about you

Also, thank you so much! I am finding it increasingly hard to let go of things like the meds but I am really trying to have faith.

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by Pookyl

I’m still cheerfully sui.

I don’t want to say what’s in my head because I don’t want to trigger anyone. I didn’t contact my pdoc yesterday because I didn’t want to. I’ve told my husband this morning what’s going on and he fed me some Seroquel

Take good care of yourself

Please reach out for help if needed

[tecomsin]

Originally Posted by cashart10

Also, thank you so much! I am finding it increasingly hard to let go of things like the meds but I am really trying to have faith.

Is there a conflict between your religious beliefs and taking meds? Not really sure what this means to 'let go of the meds'?

I'm going back on the Wellbutrin. I filled the prescription today. $75 for a 3.5 month supply. My depression is more intense, like it was last time the W worked. Also, i'm due for my Spring hypomania, like i was prone to Fall hm last time too. So it could work.

[TheSeaCat]

Hello everyone and happy Friday. I hope everyone is having a great Friday. Also Happy Women's Day to all the women here. I'm doing alright today all things considered, work was alright it's Friday which is my favorite day of the week. M's MRI came back and well it was not good news. He is probably looking at another spine surgery based on the MRI; which honestly he was expecting with how much pain he has been in.

We are both glad it's the weekend tomorrow and the plan is staying in and doing nothing this weekend; well besides maybe church. My kitty is still having a vacation at the parents and the twins are happy to be back together for a little bit; since I have been staying over at his place since he needs help. I miss kitty but at the same time I know he is glad to spend time with his twin; my dad has sent me many videos of the two monsters playing around so I am glad the kitty is happy with the family.

Hugs to everyone

[Nammu]

Spent the day with my daughter. She's doing a volunteer position for class work where she has to evaluate how various social services are helping or failing the MI community in her area. Then next semester she's attending a training for NAMI. Very interesting stuff. She has a much better handle on her BP than I did at her age.

[cashart10]

Originally Posted by tecomsin

Is there a conflict between your religious beliefs and taking meds? Not really sure what this means to 'let go of the meds'?

I feel like I’m not mentally ill. I feel like my episodes and experiences have been spiritual encounters. When I said ‘let go of the meds’ I actually meant letting go of control by taking them when I am scared of them, when I believe they are causing harm. My pdoc, t, IOP leader, and husband all told me I’ll go to the hospital if I stop taking my meds because of my current “delusional thinking”. I honestly haven’t doubted my illness for years but now, I just see so many miracles and can recognize the enormous power of the Holy Spirit inside me.

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by whatever2013

I'm going back on the Wellbutrin. I filled the prescription today. $75 for a 3.5 month supply. My depression is more intense, like it was last time the W worked. Also, i'm due for my Spring hypomania, like i was prone to Fall hm last time too. So it could work.

Hope it works well for you

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by Nammu

Spent the day with my daughter. She's doing a volunteer position for class work where she has to evaluate how various social services are helping or failing the MI community in her area. Then next semester she's attending a training for NAMI. Very interesting stuff. She has a much better handle on her BP than I did at her age.

I feel that way with my daughter also , I was diagnosed at 43 out of the blue. .....her 3 months later. She didn’t have 40 years of shyt to process thankfully.

My daughter is also writing a paper on mental illness and the lack of resources.

My daughter has done so much in her community in Fl.... she was part of the back pack movement at her university.

[Wander]

The peace has left me. I want to destroy myself. I am overwhelmed. I can’t cope yet I don’t want help. F******* weekend anyway so no T or pdoc. What can they do? My heart is broken. Don’t want to ask parents for help as they will panic. I guess I’m embarrassed too. I don’t think it’s an episode but it is intense enough to be very worried if I don’t calm down.

[tecomsin]

Originally Posted by cashart10

I feel like I’m not mentally ill. I feel like my episodes and experiences have been spiritual encounters. When I said ‘let go of the meds’ I actually meant letting go of control by taking them when I am scared of them, when I believe they are causing harm. My pdoc, t, IOP leader, and husband all told me I’ll go to the hospital if I stop taking my meds because of my current “delusional thinking”. I honestly haven’t doubted my illness for years but now, I just see so many miracles and can recognize the enormous power of the Holy Spirit inside me.

I'm glad you have all these people supporting you. It's pretty common in psychotic illnesses for people to go through periods where they don't believe their diagnosis or need to take medication. That's part of what makes treating these illnesses long term so difficult.

I was just wondering why the experiences you have had can't be both intensely spiritual encounters and also symptoms of mental illness. Is it necessarily either/or?

It's a nice day today. I did a lot of prep for my turkey dinner yesterday, so today should be easy. I also straighten up yesterday. All I'll need to do is clean up the kitchen while the turkey roasts. The bed needs to be made and a laundry basket of clean clothes put away. Maybe hubby will help with the kitchen. We're going to have turkey up the wazoo. Dad and bro will get plenty of leftovers to take home, but I'll still have too much. It's an 18.5 lb turkey.

On Monday I have my annual physical at my GP's office. At least some of my blood work will likely suck, especially my cholesterol. It's been a while that I've had high cholesterol. Diet and exercise are not happening. I'm going to ask for the statin. Maybe that may even be a motivator for me to improve the diet/exercise.

[wildflowerchild25]

It’s getting harder to walk around. My left leg and foot is worse than my right. My left foot doesn’t lift up all the way. I’m considering getting a cane to balance myself. I’m worried about falling. I already ordered a shower chair, a grab bar, and a set of grabbers for myself.

I’m worried that I will be permanently disabled. I don’t want to be permanently disabled at 32. I want to be able to walk and play with my son. I’m hoping and praying that surgery will help. I am nervous about seeing my dr on Monday. I’m afraid he won’t refer me to surgery yet again even though I don’t think any injections are going to help with the numbness and tingling. That alongside the pain is what makes it so difficult to get around.

It’s a gorgeous day outside and I wish I could go out and enjoy it but I can’t. I might go out and sit in the driveway at least.

I am just scared. I’m terrified of surgery but I have no choice, I’m more terrified of being disabled for the rest of my life.

I just want answers. At least the spasms have stopped.

[Sunflower123]

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25

It’s getting harder to walk around. My left leg and foot is worse than my right. My left foot doesn’t lift up all the way. I’m considering getting a cane to balance myself. I’m worried about falling. I already ordered a shower chair, a grab bar, and a set of grabbers for myself.

I’m worried that I will be permanently disabled. I don’t want to be permanently disabled at 32. I want to be able to walk and play with my son. I’m hoping and praying that surgery will help. I am nervous about seeing my dr on Monday. I’m afraid he won’t refer me to surgery yet again even though I don’t think any injections are going to help with the numbness and tingling. That alongside the pain is what makes it so difficult to get around.

It’s a gorgeous day outside and I wish I could go out and enjoy it but I can’t. I might go out and sit in the driveway at least.

I am just scared. I’m terrified of surgery but I have no choice, I’m more terrified of being disabled for the rest of my life.

I just want answers. At least the spasms have stopped.

I’m sorry you are suffering with this. If your doctor won’t refer you to surgery to resolve it and the injections aren’t getting it done...what do you think about getting a second opinion?

[Sunflower123]

Having a pretty good day. Leisurely cleaning house while watching a Monk marathon. Going out to Costco for groceries and Belk for some yellow box flip flops. I love that brand! They last forever and I get lots of compliments. Here in Tennessee with me being hot natured, I wear them practically year round even though I sometimes get strange looks. I have a friend who works there and gets them at a 20% discount.

When I went to visit my daughter it wasn’t a happy, feel good kind of visit. I went up there to line up resources for her and to see that she gets help (she did everything I asked). We’ve always been so close and she is usually a thoughtful, caring person but she has deteriorated with the depression. I felt unwelcome, unappreciated and uncared for. It’s like I lost my daughter and best friend.

Since then I have researched therapists who specialize in mood disorders, anxiety disorders and the grief process. I’m going to work through my feelings so I can be there for her while not getting dragged down by her behavior. I’m also going to start building up other areas of my life.

Thanks for letting me get that out. I’ve been hurting since that trip.

Warm wishes to all for a peaceful weekend and hugs to all who need them.

.

Originally Posted by cashart10

Also, thank you so much! I am finding it increasingly hard to let go of things like the meds but I am really trying to have faith.

Please don't let go of the meds. It's not about faith.
Worried about you.

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967

Having a pretty good day. Leisurely cleaning house while watching a Monk marathon. Going out to Costco for groceries and Belk for some yellow box flip flops. I love that brand! They last forever and I get lots of compliments. Here in Tennessee with me being hot natured, I wear them practically year round even though I sometimes get strange looks. I have a friend who works there and gets them at a 20% discount.

When I went to see my daughter the other day, it wasn’t a happy, feel good kind of visit. It was me going up there to line up resources and getting her to agree to get help (she did everything I asked). She is usually such a loving, thoughtful person but she has deteriorated with the depression. I felt unwelcome, unappreciated and uncared for. I did what I strongly felt was necessary as a parent although I was heart broken at how I was received. We’ve always been so close. It felt like I lost a daughter and a friend.

I’ve researched therapists since then who specialize in mood disorders, anxiety disorders and the grief process and I’m going to make an appointment to start working through my feelings so I can A) be there for her and B) not get dragged down in the meantime by her behavior and C) work on building up other areas of my life.

Thanks for letting me get that out. I’ve been hurting since that trip.

Warm wishes to all for a peaceful weekend and hugs to all who need them.

.

Good for you in looking after your own self-care! I'm so sorry you've been hurting. It's hard when someone we love gets seriously depressed.

[pirilin]

Everything is fine.
Except that I had to remove the new master bath faucets.
They are not of her liking. Just because they're over a foot tall.
Who has foot tall faucets in the master bath?.
There. That's what I like 'em. And they cascade.
However, I recon they look like some fireman equipment.
You win some...... I'm still removing caulking.

Cheers.

Today is grocery shopping day. I hope I have the courage to not pick up soda. I drink a lot , and I mean A LOT of soda. I'm almost ashamed of it, but I'm cutting it out because of some weight gain. It's better for my health in general anyway.


Other than that -- I'm not feeling as elated as a week ago, I think that feeling is passing. It kind of makes me sad, because I'm afraid I may be headed back into my depression. It was nice while it lasted -- maybe I'll even out with the meds I have now and just feel OK. One can only hope.