[yellow_fleurs]

Had therapy after work, then went to my friend's house for her birthday and we made dinner and cake. Therapy was pretty good, I mostly rambled about how confusing my brain and thoughts are, my recent obsessive thoughts, and admitted I am having some issues trusting people. I am not totally paranoid or anything, but I can just tell my thinking feels off from where it should be. This time she said she wanted to start seeing me every week, so starting in 2 weeks I have a fixed weekly appointment. I am wondering if that's a sign she does not think I am doing well, since usually she just asks how it was for me and if I want to schedule another appointment or not. Either way I glad about it, because they have been spaced out and it's taking too long to make any progress or figure out what is going on. And, although things are off in my mind, I am doing a really good job of taking care of myself and doing what I need to anyways, so I am not really unstable in that sense. Like I am going to be safe and keep functioning I am just struggling and really stuck in my head so if that could end it would be great.

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by Wander

Quick check in. I’m sure most of you have read my thread. Today I’m going to try to drag myself to university and test if it’s possible to keep going though in my heart I know it’s a lost cause. My hamstring injury is giving me grief too and will make sitting in class difficult. My physiotherapist told me not to go in if my pain hasn’t lessened, and it hasn’t. What to do? I barely slept last night due to pain so I’m tired too. I will take the day as it comes.

I’m so sorry about your injury

Are you able to talk to uni about some accommodations?

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by cashart10

Had a very busy day today. Didn’t have IOP because I saw my t and insurance won’t cover both on the same day. Because of that I was able to sleep in. The kids were out of school because the teachers in our state are on a mini strike (kind of) due to screwy legislature and my husband is always off on thurs so we went out to lunch and spent the day together after my appt. We were in the car a lot though because we had a lot of errands to run. I have to admit spending the day with them made me less anxious and made my day better. I hope tomorrow is the same but I doubt it. I’m already feeling low and lost in my head again. My pdoc submitted a letter to confirm my continuous leave and listed my return to work date as April 8th. Apparently that is the Monday after spring break and she doesn’t want me going back before then. * The women I work with will not be happy with that and my mom will question it. I guess I’ll just have to tell her. But, like everyone keeps saying, the treatment is for me. No one else.

I’m glad you had a good day with your family

You need the time between now and April to get back to feel well again.

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by yellow_fleurs

Had therapy after work, then went to my friend's house for her birthday and we made dinner and cake. Therapy was pretty good, I mostly rambled about how confusing my brain and thoughts are, my recent obsessive thoughts, and admitted I am having some issues trusting people. I am not totally paranoid or anything, but I can just tell my thinking feels off from where it should be. This time she said she wanted to start seeing me every week, so starting in 2 weeks I have a fixed weekly appointment. I am wondering if that's a sign she does not think I am doing well, since usually she just asks how it was for me and if I want to schedule another appointment or not. Either way I glad about it, because they have been spaced out and it's taking too long to make any progress or figure out what is going on. And, although things are off in my mind, I am doing a really good job of taking care of myself and doing what I need to anyways, so I am not really unstable in that sense. Like I am going to be safe and keep functioning I am just struggling and really stuck in my head so if that could end it would be great.

I use to see my T weekly for almost 8 years . But due to finically I can manage it twice a month. Makes me sad I do better weekly

[beauflow]

many well thoughts to all.

just a quick check in-
Gen Doc sat and talked with me today. long story short- She suspects over all that my severe stress is becoming physical and while she thinks what I went through was physical she also believes that stress is the main factor. she mentioned the fatty liver but also that with changes now it would assist and we should keep an update on it. She wants me to get into counseling or care soon.

We did blood tests again//those are done quickly and I get a copy of the results- all ok again there.

I have felt like I have been bat **** crazy and stressed today, a lot of out of character things with me; but nothing too severe or detrimental (I don't think).

Later- I had a rant session on myself of "not getting this, how can I do ok then wtf happens and I am on a* ledge". Then told myself I really do need to care on how I talk with and about myself, due to I do still believe that how we talk to ourselves effects how we talk to one another- and I have missed that again.

I reached out to a counseling center via email (yes I know, a call is better); asked how long the wait is, and what is their process with placement.

I dislike that I can't seem "to get it together and keep it together". I question the BP many times; but in the end I am back with "i just don't know any more"... my trust issues with others is so prevalent.. and my apologies on that.

[TheSeaCat]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

I am still miserable. This is ridiculous, day 3 and we have thunder storms coming Saturday so cold today of 38-40 today Saturday 69-72 , no wonder my body is screaming.

I sick sick sick of the shyt.

Oh hun I am sorry that you are in pain. I hope your weather mellows out and gives your body a break.

[Wander]

Update. I didn’t go to University due to my sore leg. Should be able to get accomodations due to disability. I have a test next week though. I’m up to date on the readings and can get more information from my lecturer. Will see how next week goes. I’m still very close to dropping out of the degree but want to keep up until I make that decision. Gosh it’s tough getting around with a stuffed hamstring. So far the Physio exercises are making it worse but it’s only been a day.

[TheSeaCat]

Hello everyone and happy Thursday; man we are getting really close to the weekend; granted I don't have weekend plans since M is still in some serious pain. I'd rather stay in bed and make sure he is comfortable; besides I quite like snuggling up in bed with him so that sounds like a good weekend to me, not to mention he has two large dogs so I have been staying over and helping him out with the dogs who really like me.

Work was alright I had more interviews today and no one decided to walk after meeting me so I'd call that a good interview day. M is still determined to work despite his pain. He had his MRI today and doc will hopefully have the results some time tomorrow if not tomorrow; then Monday. I am really hoping it is nothing but a strain or something; but I know realistically that if was a strain or a pulled muscle it wouldn't be causing him this much pain and he probably would have been sent for an MRI. I am trying to think happy thoughts that it is nothing and that he is fine and that it is just a strain or pulled muscle and that he will get better.

I am alright trying to keep my mind off what could happen with school and work and obviously staying over and making sure he is alright since I know he doesn't want to admit it but he needs help with the dogs and himself.

Hugs to everyone

[Wander]

Originally Posted by Blueberrybook

God, I really hate being bipolar and only once having a 6 month period of stability. My normal baseline is craziness basically since I'm mixed practically all the f***ing time. And there is no way I can even begin to explain to my husband what it is like. I just have no way to explain to someone who is not bipolar to begin to understand what my typical day is like I can't find the words at all.

Being mixed is pure hell. I’ve spent years in that state. I feel your pain. Is there anything your pdoc can do? After years of hell I haven’t been mixed for over a month. That’s a long time for me. It was a med change(the hundredth) that seemed to do the trick.

[TheSeaCat]

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967

I’m doing better and better since I quit that AD. I’m not bouncing around like a yo-yo anymore.

I’ve been visiting my daughter for the past two days at her college campus. She’s struggling with depression so I went up there to get her set up with a counselor, a psychiatrist and an academic advisor to keep her high GPA. It was a productive visit...cheered her up and calmed my worries while handling her problems. She has a nice apartment with windows facing the afternoon sun.

We went to the Cheesecake Factory. Am I the only one who thinks it is overpriced and overrated? The food was good but overpriced and I’ve had better cheesecake at Juniors in NYC for much less money. I also rarely wait 40 minutes for any restaurant. No offense to anybody connected to CCF...just my opinion.

It’s good to be home. My pets were glad to see me.

Warm wishes to all.

I'm glad you got see your daughter and spend time with her. I wish her luck with the rest of the semester. Even I sometimes have issues with finding the motivation of wanting to study; granted online school is very different than normal university.

I might be the only one that will admit it but I really like the Cheesecake Factory it's one of my favorites. I don't find them all that pricey compared to restaurants in a similar price range not to mention they have a great food selection. I will agree the cheesecake itself is a little pricey but that is when you split it with a friend since there pieces at least here tend to be on the sharing size. I will admit that the wait can be a bit long at times especially at peak times.

[pirilin]

I slept late. Woke up early. Back to bed. Later.

Cheers.

Originally Posted by Wander

Being mixed is pure hell. I’ve spent years in that state. I feel your pain. Is there anything your pdoc can do? After years of hell I haven’t been mixed for over a month. That’s a long time for me. It was a med change(the hundredth) that seemed to do the trick.

I hope your moods will remain better, Wander! I'm assuming you like your med mix?

I had to comment on it since at one point I was on almost the exact same medication cocktail you're on. I did well on it for quite a while, and only side effects changed it. Side effects that didn't bother me much for years. It was about four years ago when I was on Lithium 900 mg, Lamictal 100 mg, Geodon 160 mg, Seroquel XR 350 mg, Klonopin 0.5 mg, Ativan 1 mg prn, plus Tegretol XR 1,400 mg. So all the same except Tegretol XR and some different dosages.

Hey all,
I am still feeling upbeat but I had a pretty rough night. Some memories I have isolated and pushed away in my head came to the front last night and really upset me. Images, thoughts, remembering... it was rough. Not to get into it, but traumatic memories and flashbacks can really take a toll on your mental health. I am OK now-- I made it through it. I'll definitely follow up with my therapist soon, I don't know why these are coming up now. Anyway...

Hope everyone is having an excellent day!

[pirilin]

When you have nothing relevant to say, just say nothing.
Yeah, right. That would be the day.

Cheers.

[Wander]

Originally Posted by BirdDancer

I hope your moods will remain better, Wander! I'm assuming you like your med mix?

I had to comment on it since at one point I was on almost the exact same medication cocktail you're on. I did well on it for quite a while, and only side effects changed it. Side effects that didn't bother me much for years. It was about four years ago when I was on Lithium 900 mg, Lamictal 100 mg, Geodon 160 mg, Seroquel XR 350 mg, Klonopin 0.5 mg, Ativan 1 mg prn, plus Tegretol XR 1,400 mg. So all the same except Tegretol XR and some different dosages.

Thanks. I love my new med regime. I have genuine hope, minus minor fluctuations, that it will keep me stable for longer than I have ever experienced. Can I ask why you changed your meds? Did it stop working? I hope you find peace soon.

[Wander]

Another post. Sorry for the frequency but it is helping me gather my thoughts. Today was a good day. It is 11.30pm and I hope to sleep soon. My mind keeps running over my life looking for patterns and clues so I can make the wisest decision moving forward. Think I’m obsessing a bit though. Tonight a close friend I hardly get to see came for dinner. It was wonderful. I rarely have visitors and we got to catch up on so much.

I wept when she left. Not over her leaving but over the grief and loss at what to do going forwards. Now, listening to Tori Amos, I feel peace. My life will be much different to the hopes and plans I had. Still, I am beginning to see a new path ahead of me, Bipolar with me still but now covered in acceptance. I’m still floating between my old and new lives, but in time I will become aware of my new life.

Survived and managed not to cry. (Had tissues in my pocket at the ready though.) Go me.

Still, I loathe it and don't feel like I know jack-diddly. Like, just because they said I "passed" (pity pass, trust me) doesn't mean I should be put on a register. The complexity of their policies and all the crap they do is ASTOUNDING. (A nearly 2" stack of paper filled with minutia I'm supposed to "know"(!!!!) Let alone verbal stuff.) And all end with the caveat that if you mess it up, you will be disciplined "up to and including termination". **** that. Living in constant fear of being fired like that is no way to live. I would never do something bad intentionally, but innocent errors from sheer confusion? Another story.

I've been holding off on just asking to go back to my old job, but only because they know I'd be looking for something else, and that doesn't seem quite fair on them. But maybe I'm just being overly-considerate.(?)

I have today off. TG!!

This experience has definitely fueled my already well-established distaste and distrust of big corporations. (I thought this one was somewhat regional, but of course it turned out they had been gobbled up by a large national chain.) Can't wait to burn that damn name badge! And not have 3(!) employee numbers.

Sorry, veering off into a rant!

I need to call the people that were my "team". I've had the meds right along, but no therapy, and that's not good going through this.

Many hugs all around. Sorry I've been kind of wrapped in this situation.

Originally Posted by Wander

Thanks. I love my new med regime. I have genuine hope, minus minor fluctuations, that it will keep me stable for longer than I have ever experienced. Can I ask why you changed your meds? Did it stop working? I hope you find peace soon.

Right now I'm on the same meds I mentioned, except for Lithium and Geodon. I had to go off the Lithium, because it affected my kidneys. That is a real possibility for some people, though it less common than common. My psychiatrist very slowly weaned me off. It turned out that going off Lithium didn't affect my moods negatively.

I later had to go off of Geodon. Geodon was helpful at curbing my mania, but not fully, so I had to have Seroquel XR added. Beyond that, Geodon was extremely side effect friendly for about five years, then I eventually developed akathisia. My psychiatrist tried to treat my akathisia for a couple of years, but the treatments had issues. I had to eventually go off the Geodon. He very slowly weaned me off. Geodon withdrawal can be kind of tough. I will admit that as my Geodon was reduced, I did start to get mania symptoms. My psychiatrist had to keep increasing my Seroquel XR over time. These past few years, my Seroquel XR dose has gone up and down between 450 and 650 mg, depending on my mood states. I've done mostly well, but do need these tweaks. I like my mix, especially when my Seroquel XR dose is a little lower. At 450 mg and below, it can be weight neutral. Above 450 mg, it can sometimes make me extra hungry. It doesn't make me gain that much weight, though. Some people gain massive amounts of weight on meds like Seroquel, but I am about a weight now that I might have been even without meds.

So, now I take the medications in my signature. I'm trying to finally stop taking Ativan daily, but that's been a long road.

[Loveandkindness]

Originally Posted by hopeless2015

-43 with windchill today. The University cancelled classes and gave staffers the option to use a benefit day, which I did. Not leaving the apartment today. Hugs to all and stay warm if your in the vortex!!

Hugs to all!!

Hello, I'm also in University. How has it been for you?

I neglected to call the potential French instructor this week. I'll call her early next week. I just wasn't ready.

I've actually felt a bit better with the mini dose decrease of my Seroquel XR two nights ago. I wonder if it's really the mini dose decrease, placebo effect, the recent sunnier days, or a combo of all three. Who cares! I feel better.

I need to get off my butt and start straightening up the house. My husband pushed me to make a turkey dinner this weekend. I have thawed it in the fridge for five days now. It should be ready. I invited my dad and brother. I'm not going to go overboard. I'm skipping the usual stuffing. I'm just making a simple crudités with dip and pita chips as an appetizer, then will serve the roasted turkey with mashed potatoes, homemade turkey gravy, a little canned cranberry sauce, olives, and steamed carrots and green beans. I bought a small 4-serving chocolate cake from the grocery store that I will decorate with fresh raspberries and serve with whipped cream. I think all of that is more than fine. I already made homemade unsweetened iced tea brewed with fresh mint. That is sort of tempting me. I have more mint left, so I might make a second pitcher.

Originally Posted by ~Christina

I am still miserable. This is ridiculous, day 3 and we have thunder storms coming Saturday so cold today of 38-40 today Saturday 69-72 , no wonder my body is screaming.

I sick sick sick of the shyt.

Oh that sucks!! I'd like to give your fibromyalgia what for and a half!! Tell it to not play so mean. Or better yet, not to play at all!! I hope the weather evens out, though spring (are we there yet?) is not exactly known for that, is it? Still, we can hope.

Originally Posted by ~Christina

Oh good ! Yes new job ASAP !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I’m so sorry that tears are happening yes take Xanax along.

I had a nerve study for my neck recently it definitely sucked , hope your doesn’t hurt too bad.

I have all my parts crossed for you that a new job comes up ASAP !!

Thinking of you

Oooooh, for your neck -- oww! I don't know if it's the same for necks, but some zings and pokes were worse than others. Result was they are referring me for surgery (carpal tunnel -- left side this time). Which is just fine. I just want the pain gone. (Oh how I wish your fibro had a thing to fix it!) Are they going to be able to fix anything related to your nerve conduction study?

And yes, forgot to mention -- periodically took 1/4 xanax (needed to calm, not sleep, lol) and I'm SURE that had a lot to do with not crying, just on account of not being (quite) so freaked out. The "safety blanket" nestled next to the tissues right in my pocket...

Thanks for the well-wishes for job-hunting. It's always a big challenge (especially being older with no in-demand marketable skills whatsoever ).

I hope you feel a LOT better soon!!!!

[fern46]

A decent day today. I met with my pdoc yesterday and he adjusted my meds slightly to bring me closer to being off risperdal altogether. The side effects aren't too bad, but he thinks Geodon will be better for me. I met with my therapist today. The hour crawled by and I feel like I'm running out of things to say, but I made it through. I'm back to being level which is great, but it makes for boring sessions.

Wishes for a good day for all.

[cashart10]

My music is speaking to me. I was listening to Jeremy Camp’s version of “Give me Jesus” and some of the lyrics are: when I come to die...just give me Jesus. Well, when I heard it,

Possible trigger:

I thought that I was supposed to die and thought while I was driving that I needed to take my life to meet him.

Thankfully, it wasnÂ’t a thought I hung onto but it was something I felt passionately at the time.

As far as my day, I went to group, then ran some errands, was wrapped up in my head the whole day. Then, I took an extremely long shower and listened to praise music the entire time. The specific worship music I listened to takes me back to a time when I was incredibly spiritual and had an extraordinary and magnificent relationship with the Holy Spirit. That music choice, of course, was deliberate but I couldnÂ’t seem to help it and it had (and is having) a haunting effect on me. In fact, IÂ’ve been listening to that music the last few days. I need to have purpose again.

I talked to my therapist yesterday about that episode from 7 years ago. We have talked about it many times but never like this because she said my thoughts are delusional and she has never seen that from me. We walked through the details of those 6-8 months and how it could have been faith and illness...that they aren’t mutually exclusive. I’m having trouble believing that right now though. Like with my 6 hour shower that happened in that time frame...she said, I assure you, that water was ice cold. She said no one has a water heater that would last that long. She compared it to someone really high on drugs. Then she asked if I believed her. All I could say was that her reasoning was logical but it could have been a miracle. That water was still hot after 6 hours and I only turned that water off because God himself said to me “Sarah, turn off the water.” I believe it was a miracle.

My husband also tried being the voice of reason...he said if I canÂ’t recognize mania as anything other than spiritual, then I should try to recognize the depression. Why are they so long and debilitating? He said that would make it seem like God is using me as a voodoo doll, just poking me whenever he so pleases.

I get it; I really do. IÂ’m just having trouble with acceptance. I am currently still taking my meds though. I am having faith in a very trustworthy treatment team and family who wants the best for me. I donÂ’t want to go into the hospital and every single person tells me IÂ’ll go right there if I stop my meds right now. I donÂ’t think I would belong there but I donÂ’t think they would agree. Just because something is not socially acceptable does not mean it makes me ill. I do think the meds are bad for me and I am SURE they are stunting the faith that is currently overcoming me. Faith I never want to let go of again. Faith I want to pass through my generations. Faith that defines my life.

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by Brentus

Hey all,
I am still feeling upbeat but I had a pretty rough night. Some memories I have isolated and pushed away in my head came to the front last night and really upset me. Images, thoughts, remembering... it was rough. Not to get into it, but traumatic memories and flashbacks can really take a toll on your mental health. I am OK now-- I made it through it. I'll definitely follow up with my therapist soon, I don't know why these are coming up now. Anyway...

Hope everyone is having an excellent day!

I go through the same stuff , it sucks.

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by Innerzone

Survived and managed not to cry. (Had tissues in my pocket at the ready though.) Go me.


Still, I loathe it and don't feel like I know jack-diddly. Like, just because they said I "passed" (pity pass, trust me) doesn't mean I should be put on a register. The complexity of their policies and all the crap they do is ASTOUNDING. (A nearly 2" stack of paper filled with minutia I'm supposed to "know"(!!!!) Let alone verbal stuff.) And all end with the caveat that if you mess it up, you will be disciplined "up to and including termination". **** that. Living in constant fear of being fired like that is no way to live. I would never do something bad intentionally, but innocent errors from sheer confusion? Another story.


I've been holding off on just asking to go back to my old job, but only because they know I'd be looking for something else, and that doesn't seem quite fair on them. But maybe I'm just being overly-considerate.(?)


I have today off. TG!!


This experience has definitely fueled my already well-established distaste and distrust of big corporations. (I thought this one was somewhat regional, but of course it turned out they had been gobbled up by a large national chain.) Can't wait to burn that damn name badge! And not have 3(!) employee numbers.


Sorry, veering off into a rant!


I need to call the people that were my "team". I've had the meds right along, but no therapy, and that's not good going through this.


Many hugs all around. Sorry I've been kind of wrapped in this situation.

Ugh ugh ugh my friend !

I do wish I could wiggle my nose and fix this for you. The company sounds shyty.

Can your old company take you back knowing your limited hours you can work ? If so yep I’d fly back there in a heartbeat !

I have been wrapped up my own head lately so I get it !