[Wander]

Ive been IP for nearly two days and can barely type as I am so drugged. Yet still I am unbelievaoly terrified. I am scared of being here and still don't trust the staff. I am close to running away because of this. The panic is immense despite the drugs and the nurses seem tired of me already. My pdoc has barely seen me since I got here. Only twp minuses since I got here and that was in front of my mother so I couldn't be honest. He is supposed to come in at midday to have a proper talk with me. If he doesnt do that I am out of here. I have no friends supporting me. My parents are great but I don't want to scare them, even though running away would.

How can feel so damn terrified when med to the gills? I just cannot stand living anymore. I want to be well but that seems too far away, if not impossible. I don't know what writing this down to you all helps but here I am.

[Under*Over]

I know this wont seem like enough but I really feel you right now. What you are going through is very hard and scary... but I think you have made a good choice in coming and STAYING at the hospital during this time.

If you are going to feel better you need to let people help you. If you dont- well- then nothingbwill change. Your best bet is to listen to the people who want to help you- because whatother option is there if you want to feel better!

I wont say its all going to be ok becaude I dont want to just trivialize how scary things must be for you... but there is hope. If you work at it really hard and are patient with the people who claim to want good things to you... thats your best bet I thibk of feeling better. Of finding hope.

You have a lot of people here rooting for you, Im fairly new and even I can tell that. That must mean you are a good person who deserves that. Can that be enough for now? That people here recognize that you bring good to the world? I know things feel pretty dark but maybe other people can help you light things up for just a little while. Until you are able to feel that again on your own

[Wander]

thanks so much under-over. Sorry the chasing cars song triggered you. I really wappriciate what you wrong but am too drugged to replay properly. Even this took me 10 mins to replay.

I am seeking all the help I can get despite my isstreaum pressure. Some staff are great the otters make me desperately wan to get out of here but I have been seriously warned that I will be locked up if I don't comply with treatment. this only makes me more rfightened .

I am drowning here.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

I don't know what to say Wander except hang in there and it will get better. I know those are hollow words right now but they are true. Keep working to find some staff you can trust even a teeny bit and talk to them.

[Under*Over]

Originally Posted by Wander

thanks so much under-over. Sorry the chasing cars song triggered you. I really wappriciate what you wrong but am too drugged to replay properly. Even this took me 10 mins to replay.

I am seeking all the help I can get despite my isstreaum pressure. Some staff are great the otters make me desperately wan to get out of here but I have been seriously warned that I will be locked up if I don't comply with treatment. this only makes me more rfightened .

I am drowning here.

It didnt trigger me, no worries.

Definitely agree with beyondtherainbow... try to find a staff member or two you can trust so maybe you dont feel so scared and alone- hopefully thatll help.

*hug*

I am sorry you have to go through this. And I hope things grt better soon

[cashart10]

All my love to you! I hope you are able to be entirely able honest with pdoc so that your can perhaps be lead in a new direction that may make you feel better.

[yellow_fleurs]

I hope you see the pdoc for longer and they can help you. Being terrified is an awful feeling, I have been there. Hang in there. Is there anything that has helped you feel safe in the past when frightened if this has happened before?

[Wild Coyote]

I am sorry you are going through this, Wander.

I, too, hope you will find someone you can trust enough to be open with.

As far as I have seen, you always benefit (get better) if/when you go IP.
I hope that's the case this time, too!

Thinking of you, sending positive vibes.


WC

[MickeyCheeky]

I'm so sorry you're hurting so much, Wander Please don't give up. I understand how hard this must be for you. I think you did the right thing by going IP. It means that you care about yourself and your own safety. And that's good! It means that you know when you need to get help. Please don't hesitate to aks help here as well. Is there anything we can do to help you? Please let us know. I hope you'll feel better soon. Try to hang on. You can do this! You're strong, I know that. I believe in you. We all love you here, Wander. You're a wonderful person. Remember that we're here for you if you need it. We'll listen to what you have to say. We care about you. Keep writing here if it helps. I'm here for you as well. Feel free to PM me anytime. Let me know if I can do something to help you. Wish you good luck! Let us know how it goes. Sending many hugs to you

Hold tight, Wander. Rooting for you!! This may take some time, but you are worth it. Much

[Wander]

Thank you all for your input and reassurance. The really helps me to hang in. day four in hospital and I can hardly write as I', heavily drugged on Haldol. Its really helping me except for they typing.

Today I am getting a second opinion on my Bipolar from a bipolar sepeciaist in that area. I will still keep my doctor but just making sure he is doing all he can. This helps me to no be paranoid of my doctor but I am still paranoid about some nurses and patient here. I went to the counter yearnerday to get my meds then ran away as I was terrified of all the people. Thankfully my nurse brought them to my room.

I am beginning to feels after and less paranoid but still totally freak out at times. I want this stay to be a week or
10 days. I am realising my paranoia is not based on reality but is instead in my mind is still freaked out all of the time. It is exhausting.

[liveforsummer]

That’s good that you’ll be seeing a bipolar specialist and hopefully that will help to alleviate your fears. That’s a real positive step that you realize your paranoia isn’t based on reality. I really hope you feel a little better each day and sending you hugs

[Wander]

Hi everyone, this will be too tired to write claely. YOur suupoert amaxing. It has strengthend me a lot. Day Four and I wan to free. I guess dark mood and SI's are not helping towards release,

Has anyone tried Haldo and ha similar eyesight issues. I Cath read much and tying is extucaingly fiddiculy. am on too Seroquel(24-50mg) a few times a day. I am ok(iish). I just do wan to pi on weight while IP. It cares me.but this has to stop as mu con roll waning. I have a plan worked out leavigit just in csethrenisaneergency

Soon if I a, not makig sense. You an cony see a quarter of the tyioi's and my efforts the collect them.

[Victoria'smom]

I've never have been on hadol sorry. Seroquel mg isn't high yet. Right now try not to worry about weight gain. When you get out you pdoc can help with weight gain. Maybe look into joining a community center or YMCA when you get out. They have financial assistance.

Originally Posted by liveforsummer

...That’s a real positive step that you realize your paranoia isn’t based on reality. I really hope you feel a little better each day and sending you hugs

I'll echo this a hundred times! Wander, I am so happy for you that you're recognizing the paranoia as paranoia and not reality -- that's great!! I feel like your freaking out will abate as that really settles in. I know for me, I can often know something, but sometimes it takes a bit of time for it to really settle into my heart, where I knowknowknow it (I've currently got a whole BUNCH of stuff trying to make that move...), can feel really confident in it and move forward.

Sending good vibes for continuing progress.

Originally Posted by Wander

Hi everyone, this will be too tired to write claely. YOur suupoert amaxing. It has strengthend me a lot. Day Four and I wan to free. I guess dark mood and SI's are not helping towards release,

Has anyone tried Haldo and ha similar eyesight issues. I Cath read much and tying is extucaingly fiddiculy. am on too Seroquel(24-50mg) a few times a day. I am ok(iish). I just do wan to pi on weight while IP. It cares me.but this has to stop as mu con roll waning. I have a plan worked out leavigit just in csethrenisaneergency

Soon if I a, not makig sense. You an cony see a quarter of the tyioi's and my efforts the collect them.

What do you mean by eyesight issues? Blurry eyes or double vision, or both?

I got double vision on seroquel and abilify, for example, and some people get blurry eyes on haldol.

Are you drinking enough water? More water has helped me with vision issues. Like 64 oz a day. (If you have a Nalgene bottle after you get out of IP, 64 oz is two of those bottles) It’s worth a try for one day. If it doesn’t help, then maybe it’s time for a new med (if they’ll let you).

[MickeyCheeky]

Stay strong, Wander. You've got this. Please don't give up. I hope you'll better soon. Try to hang on. You can do this! You're strong, I know that. I believe in you. Sending many hugs to you

[cashart10]

You can make it through this sweet friend. I’m pulling for you!

[Wander]

Thanks everyone. I still can't type. with my glasses I can see far art and with them I can see short distances but there is a distance in between that I cannot see well.Including my laptop.

I am still very paranoid even though I am beginning to see its not real. The feeling though is terrifying. I hide in my room afraid to even get dinner sometimes. I do eat enough though. Nurses help me do this.

The second opinion when well but the cholprmazine(thorazine) he gave me made me sleep 13 hours. I am back on slow doses of seroquel today. I don't want to be super sedated during the day as I can hardly speak. He also confirmed my diagnosis of BPAD 1 with psychotic features. Apparently I am depressed but I don't feel depressed, well apart from the severe SI and low mood. Now I think it I am as I struggle to shower, sleep in the same cloths, get no enjoyment out of usual activities etc. I just down feel down enough for psychosis. Apparently I am psychotic. I can't believe it right now but maybe later.

Still fell I am in danger and being hunted down but to a slightly lower degree.

[Wander]

Originally Posted by bluebicycle

What do you mean by eyesight issues? Blurry eyes or double vision, or both?

I got double vision on seroquel and abilify, for example, and some people get blurry eyes on haldol.

Are you drinking enough water? More water has helped me with vision issues. Like 64 oz a day. (If you have a Nalgene bottle after you get out of IP, 64 oz is two of those bottles) It’s worth a try for one day. If it doesn’t help, then maybe it’s time for a new med (if they’ll let you).

Hey Blue,

It is not double vision. There is a short distance from my eyes (like a laptop) that I cannot read unless It take my glasses off so it is not from raging. Drinking heaps. Lithium requires that. Take care. 10.30 pm here and no sight of sleep.