[BeyondtheRainbow]

Innerzone, I am so sorry. You deserve things to go well.

That is a real bummer, Innerzone! I'm sorry that special opportunity had to end so quickly. Such is life!

I saw my psychiatrist today. I won't go into all I yapped about. As I often do, I went off on a tangent. He sort of drew my attention to it. Anyway, I knew he wouldn't lower my Seroquel XR. Actually, even I know that wouldn't be a good idea right now. I sort of feel my spring upswing in its very early stages. I did ask if I could FINALLY go off the daily Ativan I've been weaning off at an extremely slow pace. He said to rather cut my current dose into half. That means cutting my 0.5 mg pills (the smallest dose possible) into four pieces, since I've been halving them to take 0.25 mg for a long time. Pills just don't cut into quarters very well. So I'm now on 0.14 mg. I'm not sure how long I'll be on that, but I don't think it's even possible to go lower, unless a lower dose is created at my pharmacy. Luckily, my pharmacy is a medication compounding center.

I don't know why he made a point to tell me he isn't in the office tomorrow and the next day. And yet he said he would be available by phone those days. Is that info just some miscellaneous FYI? Or did he tell me that for some more significant reason? I don't know. He did say that at some point in the near future he'd be taking a 2-week vacation. I'm not sure exactly when, but I think after April 17th. My next appointment with him (in a bit over 3 weeks) is April 5. That's the usual span between. Then another one follows only 2 weeks later on April 17. That's abnormal unless I'm very ill, which I'm not. It's funny, I was going to ask to reduce my visits to every 4-weeks instead of every 3-weeks, but I forgot. Now I'm a little paranoid. Does he think I am, indeed, on the rise, mood-wise? As said, I think I am starting my spring upswing, but it's not problematic at this point. Last year in mid to late May I was full-blown manic with brief psychosis. It was a really bad one! [Long story.] However, at that time I was on vacation with my husband in Portugal. The trip itself was a major trigger. I almost always get at least hypomanic when we go to Europe, but the time in Portugal was particularly triggering for me. I don't expect to be triggered that much this spring. We're not going anywhere.

Does anyone else tend to have spring upswings? Mine are pretty reliable and have been known to start as early as late February or at least sometime in May.

My psychiatrist asked me a super tough question based on something I told him. I had to ask if I could have a few weeks to think about it and answer it then. It's about a perception I have about my new therapist/psychologist. I really think that finding an answer would be highly helpful for me.

I'm so sorry to hear that InnerZone. I know it's awful to go through that and work yourself up to be let down. Cry it out. I always try not to cry, but I don't know why. Just let it out. The frustration ,sadness, the anger -- just let the tears flow and be hopeful for the next thing (which is not easy and impossible in the beginning, but hope will return sooner or later).

BirdDancer -- I hope you get the information you're looking for and also, keep an eye on your mood. I mean I'm rather new at mood tracking but knowing patterns and signs are invaluable to your therapist and psychiatrist. I know you probably already know that anyway. I feel stupid for even saying it now. haha



As for me -- I had another rough night. I didn't sleep much and did lots of reflecting and thinking. I think too much is the problem -- I obsess. I'm tired today but I'm OK. I still feel OK -- I think these meds are great for me. I can't explain how I feel well. I'm OK but I'm distressed, does that make sense? Mood wise -- I'm fine... it's all the crap in my life and head that causes some worry and distress, and emotions. Anyway, that's all for my check in today.

[Sunflower123]

My pdoc is not in network with my insurance so I pay cash. It is a necessary expense in my book. I’ve been with him between 15-17 years now and he has saved my life many times. My appointments with him always last between 35-45 minutes and he is like a pdoc and tdoc rolled up into one.

I called his office to see if any of the therapists accepted my insurance so I could learn how to better help my daughter and not only are none of them in network but my insurance said I’m not allowed to self pay my pdoc. I just lost my pdoc! I’m beside myself right now and really hating on insurance.

Temporarily I can see the NP that he supervises until I can change my insurance to one that he accepts next year. I’m just so upset right now. This is not the time for this to be happening...he was keeping a close eye on me after last month’s mistake and with losing my friend. I’ll calm down. It’s just fresh right now. He’s not just my pdoc. He’s my friend.

Warm wishes to all.

BirdDancer: I usually get high mood in Spring too. Mine can also start as early as February. They are a reaction to the weather. I get them when the temperature goes up. We're having a mild day today and tomorrow and already i feel more awake.

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967

I called his office to see if any of the therapists accepted my insurance so I could learn how to better help my daughter and not only are none of them in network but my insurance said I’m not allowed to self pay my pdoc. I just lost my pdoc! I’m beside myself right now and really hating on insurance.

Temporarily I can see the NP that he supervises until I can change my insurance to one that he accepts next year. I’m just so upset right now. This is not the time for this to be happening...he was keeping a close eye on me after last month’s mistake and with losing my friend. I’ll calm down. It’s just fresh right now. He’s not just my pdoc. He’s my friend.

:-O That sucks! What bastards!! Seriously, who do they think they are telling you how you can spend your own money!! Sheesh. (I mean, I've had "you can't" when trying to find a provider, but from the providers themselves. Still makes no sense, but ...)

I don't have any words that can help, but know you've got my sympathy and shaking of the fist at them on your behalf.

[pirilin]

Made it to the GP doc almost in time. 20 minutes late.
He, in turn had me there for an hour, sitting,
playing with my laser pointer. My phone games. Etc.

He's also my Pulmo.
I figured I pay 45 bucks for a specialist. 15 for a GP.
To hell with my GP. He's both now. 15 bucks. One doctor.

He's the nastiest doc in town.
We put each other in our places now and then.
Unexplicably, we have become friends.
Nasty dude. Well, I'm not Miss Sympathy either.

To the point now.
"Everything is fine" is not what I want to hear.
I told him so.
I'm supposed to be sick of something.
Old age, Emphysema, taking Phsyco drugs, etc.
"You have enough with your crazy ways, don't 'ya?."
Attadoc.

Cheers.

on sunday I ate some out of date chicken so ended up with a really bad stomach ache (and other side affects too) for days

well, I say days, I think it was about wednesday afternoon when I started feeling better

and of course I can't sleep, so recovery was extra slow, because I didn't have the rest

that aside, honestly no idea what i'm doing or where i'm going in life, complete standstill

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967

My pdoc is not in network with my insurance so I pay cash. It is a necessary expense in my book. I’ve been with him between 15-17 years now and he has saved my life many times. My appointments with him always last between 35-45 minutes and he is like a pdoc and tdoc rolled up into one.

I called his office to see if any of the therapists accepted my insurance so I could learn how to better help my daughter and not only are none of them in network but my insurance said I’m not allowed to self pay my pdoc. I just lost my pdoc! I’m beside myself right now and really hating on insurance.

Temporarily I can see the NP that he supervises until I can change my insurance to one that he accepts next year. I’m just so upset right now. This is not the time for this to be happening...he was keeping a close eye on me after last month’s mistake and with losing my friend. I’ll calm down. It’s just fresh right now. He’s not just my pdoc. He’s my friend.

Warm wishes to all.

American health insurance is mostly all just horrible! I'm sorry they are dictating such a thing. They grow more and more emboldened because they can get away with it.

[wildflowerchild25]

I saw the surgeon and I am scheduled for a discectomy on Wednesday the 20th. I am relieved and also nervous. The dr said that I will be out of work for at least six weeks (!) and that I will not get total pain relief from the procedure. It should relieve the pain enough that I can walk normally and should take care of the numbness and tingling as well. I don’t care if I am still in a little bit of pain as long as I can walk. I hate being restricted to the house. I am so scared that this surgery is not going to work and I will be permanently disabled. I’m trying to be positive though. I don’t even believe in god but I am praying. Just in case.

Hope everyone is doing ok. Send me positive vibes that this procedure will help me walk again!

[yellow_fleurs]

Jennifer 1967 how come you cannot self pay your pdoc? I do not think your insurance has any say in that unless I am missing an important part of the story? I am sorry you are dealing with this either way. It sounds very stressful.

[yellow_fleurs]

Happy pi day everyone! I got a pizza for $3.14. It took an hour to get it, but that's too good of a deal to pass up.

I had a decent day, mood definitely jumped a few notches recently, probably because it is spring. That is my usual. Depressed in winter, happy in spring and summer. Still having obsessive thoughts, but much milder and less terrifying.

Hope everyone has a good evening!

I discovered some breathtakingly beautiful music today and wept. I felt glad to be alive to enjoy it and grateful that all my many suicide attempts failed. I love instrumental music. I'm sick of words and stories. There is no murder, torture, skinny actresses or commercials in music!

[Sunflower123]

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25

I saw the surgeon and I am scheduled for a discectomy on Wednesday the 20th. I am relieved and also nervous. The dr said that I will be out of work for at least six weeks (!) and that I will not get total pain relief from the procedure. It should relieve the pain enough that I can walk normally and should take care of the numbness and tingling as well. I don’t care if I am still in a little bit of pain as long as I can walk. I hate being restricted to the house. I am so scared that this surgery is not going to work and I will be permanently disabled. I’m trying to be positive though. I don’t even believe in god but I am praying. Just in case.

Hope everyone is doing ok. Send me positive vibes that this procedure will help me walk again!

I’m sending prayers, hugs, positive vibes and everything else your way. Hope all goes really well.

[Sunflower123]

Originally Posted by yellow_fleurs

Jennifer 1967 how come you cannot self pay your pdoc? I do not think your insurance has any say in that unless I am missing an important part of the story? I am sorry you are dealing with this either way. It sounds very stressful.

Excellent point. They said because he accepts other insurance (but not theirs)...I can’t self pay as a member of their plan. I can, however, see the NP because she accepts no insurance whatsoever and is all self pay. I think I’ll be researching this further. Thank you for bringing that up.

[xRavenx]

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967

My pdoc is not in network with my insurance so I pay cash. It is a necessary expense in my book. I’ve been with him between 15-17 years now and he has saved my life many times. My appointments with him always last between 35-45 minutes and he is like a pdoc and tdoc rolled up into one.

I called his office to see if any of the therapists accepted my insurance so I could learn how to better help my daughter and not only are none of them in network but my insurance said I’m not allowed to self pay my pdoc. I just lost my pdoc! I’m beside myself right now and really hating on insurance.

Temporarily I can see the NP that he supervises until I can change my insurance to one that he accepts next year. I’m just so upset right now. This is not the time for this to be happening...he was keeping a close eye on me after last month’s mistake and with losing my friend. I’ll calm down. It’s just fresh right now. He’s not just my pdoc. He’s my friend.

Warm wishes to all.

Insurance is so annoying and frustrating!! So sorry about your loss and all that you are going through, Jennifer!
(((Hugs)))

[TheSeaCat]

Hello everyone; I hope everyone is doing well. I am having a pretty good day shockingly. Work was pretty great today and I managed to get a lot of things done which is great considering tomorrow is Friday; which is my favorite day of the week; I just love Friday's plus the weekend and a whole two days to hopefully relax and not think about work or what is to happen next week with M and the surgeon appointment.

My cat is adjusting to his new tempory living situation; which is good he is getting used to the big old dogs and they are quickly becoming friends; besides the one swat at the dog they have been getting along great which makes me happy since that is one less thing to worry about.

I am doing alright all in all; school is going great and I am not having problems at work; so all in all it's a good thing.

Hugs to everyone

Jennifer: I am so sorry about the insurance fiasco; I don't really see how they can dictate if you pay out or pocket or not; considering that is your money and you are free to do with it as you please. That just sounds super dumb to me. I am really sorry though since that does sound like a difficult issue.

IZ: Oh honey you really need to catch a break; I am so very sorry about the internship and the new job. I really hope that you find your dream job soon.

Wildflower: Glad you got to see your surgeon and that you at least have an idea of what is it and what he can do to help you. I know six weeks seems like a lot but really you will need all that time to heal. How are you and RS doing; I haven't seen him mentioned in a little bit. I am also sending you a very gentle hug

[wildflowerchild25]

@TheSeaCat: I know I haven’t mentioned RS, I’ve just been so wrapped up in my back problems. He has been the absolute sweetest. He took off twice to take me to appointments, including today. He has made sure I’m fed and that I am as comfortable as can be. He’s really been the best. He is taking off for my surgery as well even though I told him not to. He says he can’t leave me there alone (even though my mom will be with me). I love him very much. Thanks for asking!

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by Innerzone

I am heartbroken. Remember the internship? The one that gave me an opportunity to do what I'd been waiting to get back to for very nearly a decade, and that I love and that is the bright spots of my week as a break from slogging through my awful job? Well, the owner suddenly is having to move (family reasons) and the whole thing is coming to an unexpected end.


I keep crying. Last night right after work I saw the email. I cried myself to sleep. Crying much more this morning. This just sucks. It's such a great place. Creative, supportive, such nice people. Damn, this just sucks so much.

Oh IZ oh no I’m sorry this happened

[Seaswept]

May be slightly hypo; cleaning at 10 pm ... could be the whisky and coke tho, lol

[TheSeaCat]

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25

@TheSeaCat: I know I haven’t mentioned RS, I’ve just been so wrapped up in my back problems. He has been the absolute sweetest. He took off twice to take me to appointments, including today. He has made sure I’m fed and that I am as comfortable as can be. He’s really been the best. He is taking off for my surgery as well even though I told him not to. He says he can’t leave me there alone (even though my mom will be with me). I love him very much. Thanks for asking!

Just making sure you two were still going strong and that something hadn't happened with the two of you. I know health issues can be a trying time for couples. I am glad he is going to all of your appointments and making sure you are doing alright.

I'm the same way I would attend the surgery too; it's hard taking your mind of the person you love.

[Scooter9]

I have been mostly feeling really low the past several days. Body pains, feeling withdrawn, insecure... the works.

I decided that the book I recently published is possibly still too advanced for beginners so I started writing another book. I'm about 35 pages in. Lots of research and rewriting so it was a difficult 35 pages. I have another 10 or 15 pages to go in this chapter.

I'm writing in the hopes that this will spark some motivation, plus it gives me something to distract myself from the depression.

My cat is recovering from surgery. His kidneys are failing too so we have him on a special diet. Plus we have to give him various medications. But he's coping with that cone around his neck, still bumping into things. We have no idea how much time he has last with us but we're just trying to keep him comfortable.

My mother is also recovering after her surgery 6 weeks ago. She had knee replaced surgery, the second one. Still lots of pain but she's walking with a cane now instead of a walker, which is really good. I see her every couple of days and will help her with various things on Saturday.

[fern46]

I didn't sleep well last night. I've been dreaming like crazy since my episode and I couldn't shake my dreams after waking. I am somehow hoping to have the energy to exercise today. I'm not sure if the meds are to blame, but my energy has been low and I haven't been as active lately. I've gained a few pounds and want to reverse that before it becomes a trend. I'm new to the meds and it is my hope the lethargy will taper off at some point so I can get back to my normal self. I'm not sure if it is a mental or physical roadblock, but I just need to force myself to push through and get more active.

Well wishes for a nice Friday for all!

[Gabyunbound]

I've overheard about 3 times co-workers talking disparagingly about psychiatric patients (I work in healthcare) and I finally emailed my boss about it. Now, she has historically been hypersensitive about people gossiping in the office or otherwise being disrespectful in any way (she'll write emails to everyone about it).

And yet, after a week, she hasn't even responded to my email personally, much less written an email to all staff. I'm very disappointed and it makes me feel that what people have been saying is ok with her, as much as I just can't fathom that it is.

The only impediment I can think of, is that despite a normally congenial, if not often loving, atmosphere in the office, someone put something heinous at someone's workstation. We had an emergency staff meeting about it, and my boss (and her boss, who was present as well) kept the nature of it confidential, but said that if they find out who it was, they will be summarily fired.

So I can only think that she's so caught up in this that she hasn't gotten to what I wrote her about. I hope so. What people have been saying has made me profoundly uncomfortable (as I told her) and I feel like I made myself vulnerable in emailing her about it because it may sound like I have a mental illness myself, which I do not share with anyone at work, much less with my boss.

The next time I overhear such a thing, though, I think I'm going to have to gather up the courage to say something, that it's inappropriate, or whatever, I'm not sure what.

I have a 1:1 scheduled with my boss for Wednesday, and will bring it up with her then.

Very frustrating... I'm not feeling as welcome as I used to in the office somehow, it's hard to explain...

I have my first private French lesson this afternoon. I have to say I'm quite nervous. That may sound strange, but it is a little intimidating for me. It's mostly because of the expected stress of having to be "on" constantly. Sometimes that stress makes me shut down, mentally, a bit. Group classes, or classes other than language classes, allow some time to learn more passively. Though I don't complain anymore, I do have concentration challenges. At home on disability it's not an issue because I don't have many pressures and can do things at my own pace.

Yesterday I saw my psychiatrist. I've known him for more than 13 years. I now realize my mood was a bit elevated yesterday. I yapped continuously during the session and went off on multiple tangents. Then on my way out of his office (standing in his office doorway), he said something very strange that I didn't fully process until much later. Out of the blue he started talking about the Boeing 737 Max 8 planes that have recently crashed. Somewhat nervously, he said something like "Well, the pilots will be able to find a way to keep their "noses" up so that they don't crash."

I was thinking "What?!?!" Then he made clear he was talking about the Boeing planes in the news. Why was he bringing up this topic? I then responded "Ohhh, they put the schnitzers to them, finally!" [Meaning that the US FINALLY grounded them.] But he seemed to ignore that, and said "There won't be a problem on them."

I was standing there with him with my mind in a tizzy. I finally just firmly stated "Dr. R, just don't get on one of those planes!" I then left.

Earlier in the session, my psychiatrist said he would be taking a 2-week vacation in April. I wonder if that is part of why he brought up the planes out of the blue. Is he afraid to fly? I know he has flown in the past. He's been to Europe and certainly didn't take a boat to get there. I think he has family in US states far from ours. I assume he flies to see them.

Very curious! Am I misinterpreting his last minute conversation? Or have I finally discovered something that he is anxious about? If the latter, it's interesting that he sought my reassurance for such a thing, especially when I was clearly a bit elevated in mood.