[Wander]

Losing it. Woke up today, went for a short swim then ran some errands. Something in me snapped soon after. I shifted to self destruct. Bought beer I can’t afford and took Ativan due to the anxiety but I knew they are bad together and I didn’t care. Got drunk fast then passed out for an hour or so. Felt awful. Spinning head, nausea and the rage was still there. I had wept earlier today and began to weep again, then panic. I wanted to harm myself but managed to stay safe. The emotion in me is so intense and out of control. I think it is this life crisis I’ve talked about and not Bipolar but man is it immense. I’ve only ever experienced such intensity of emotion during severe PTSD. I know I’m traumatised right now but I’m shocked at my reactions. My self destructiveness can get out of control fast so I have to get on top of this.

Hi Wander, I'm concerned for you. Can you call your psychiatrist and/or therapist today? It sounds like you need some additional support. It's possible that the beer and Ativan combo could be exacerbating your distress.

[Daonnachd]

I just got word that a friend from high school was killed in an automobile accident on Tuesday. He was like me, generally quiet, so somewhat of an outcast. We both stayed in the same community so I would see him and chat once or twice a month. I'm sad that he's gone.

[Sunflower123]

Originally Posted by Daonnachd

I just got word that a friend from high school was killed in an automobile accident on Tuesday. He was like me, generally quiet, so somewhat of an outcast. We both stayed in the same community so I would see him and chat once or twice a month. I'm sad that he's gone.

I’m so sorry for the loss of your friend. It hurts.

I had my first private French lesson. I liked Monsieur Gilbert. He seems like a good teacher. He's an elderly Frenchman originally from Paris. He was sweet and told me I only looked 30 years old. You know how charming Frenchmen can be!

He spoke only French about 90% of the hour. I understood at least 75% of what he said. That's OK.

My level is kind of odd. In some ways, I'm intermediate, and yet I struggled with a few very elementary things that have become jumbled because of studying other languages over the years. In the very beginning, he had me say the alphabet in French. Most letters I got right, others were either Czech, Spanish, Portuguese, or German, all of which I have studied at least a teeny bit. Sometimes I even mixed word orders because of that. One word that is oddly similar in French and another language is "de". It can mean "of" in French and basically something similar in Mandarin Chinese, but the word orders vary.

I like that M. Gilbert is putting a very strong emphasis on perfect pronunciation and accent reduction. He said that many people come to France trying to speak French but are misunderstood precisely because of such basic issues. I understood completely. When I used to try to speak my lousy Czech to my Czech mother-in-law, she wouldn't understand no matter what. If it wasn't perfect, it was "I don't understand what she's saying!" Czech is a very complicated language. French is like a breeze in comparison.

Today is wild! It's so warm that I put on shorts. At least I shaved my legs a couple of days ago.

Daonnachd: i'm very sorry for the loss of your friend.

BirdDancer: i'm happy to hear your French lesson went well. It's exciting to have a new project! I took another step towards my new project of playing piano today: i ordered a keyboard! It comes with three months of online lessons. I think they will suit me better than formal lessons with my music-teacher-friend as she includes theory which doesn't interest me.

It was a relatively mild but grey day and i felt mildly depressed most of the day. So grateful that my time is my own and i can rest and relax all the live long day.

[yellow_fleurs]

Just found out they are going to start remodeling all the apartments where I live. So, I will be able to look at one of the remodeled ones and decide if I want to move into one and if it is worth the increased cost. I have mixed feelings about it. I could not justify moving out of this apartment because of the great cost, but it also really does need some renovation and is pretty small. So, maybe it will be nice to have a change of pace. I should also be getting a raise soon, but now it is questionable if it will be what I expected. I do hope it is, because I was planning on having that in my budget. They also are trying to get me to consider another position, but it will be more stressful and I worry for my mental health. It would be a great position, though. I will have to think on it.

I have some worries in the back of my mind, obsessive thoughts linger waiting to pounce, but I am also practically giddy and feel like an elephant has been taken off my chest what with coming spring. Overall mood is greatly lightened. I no longer feel like the tiniest task takes all of my energy and motivation. Makes me want to dance!

[yellow_fleurs]

Daonnachd that is terribly sad, I am very sorry.

Daonnachd -- I'm sorry for your loss of a friend. It's truly heartbreaking.

I've already posted about my day in its own thread-- just in a weird place.

[Wander]

Originally Posted by BirdDancer

Hi Wander, I'm concerned for you. Can you call your psychiatrist and/or therapist today? It sounds like you need some additional support. It's possible that the beer and Ativan combo could be exacerbating your distress.

Thanks. The combo definitely made things worse. I was careless as I risked harming myself dangerously. It is Sat now so no access to T unless severe emergency. My partner is with me so he has been supportive which has helped. He was very stressed about it last night out of worry for me. I need to pull myself together. I don’t want to hurt him or me. If I’m still in trouble I will contact my T or pdoc on Monday. I’ve woken up anxious and hungover but hope things will improve as the day passes. Im seeing my sister and her kids which I love doing and then only a bit of tidying up at home then relaxing. I should be ok.

Originally Posted by whatever2013

Daonnachd: i'm very sorry for the loss of your friend.

BirdDancer: i'm happy to hear your French lesson went well. It's exciting to have a new project! I took another step towards my new project of playing piano today: i ordered a keyboard! It comes with three months of online lessons. I think they will suit me better than formal lessons with my music-teacher-friend as she includes theory which doesn't interest me.

It was a relatively mild but grey day and i felt mildly depressed most of the day. So grateful that my time is my own and i can rest and relax all the live long day.

Have a wonderful time with your keyboard! Making music is such a great way to enrich your time.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

Daonnachd I'm so sorry for your loss. You've had too much of that lately.

[Daonnachd]

Originally Posted by BeyondtheRainbow

Daonnachd I'm so sorry for your loss. You've had too much of that lately.

It seems there's been too much loss in general here on the forum lately. It breaks my heart.

[TheSeaCat]

Hello everyone and Happy Friday; also known as my favorite day of the week. I hope everyone is doing well today. I had a pretty good day of work; Friday's are usually the best days and I always seem to get a lot on Friday's not to mention they are just such a nice day. I am doing alright and feeling alright. I know next week is going to be on the busy side.

I have no plans again for this weekend besides just relaxing since M is still in some pain from his back; he has an appointment next week for it; which I am a little worried about; but I am trying hard to not think about it and just enjoy our time together; since I am still at his house helping out with the dogs and him obviously; plus my roommate isn't charging me rent this month since I haven't really been there so she is giving me a break this month which is really nice.

I am sorry to all of those who are dealing with something and I hope it eases up soon.

Hugs to everyone

Originally Posted by Daonnachd

I just got word that a friend from high school was killed in an automobile accident on Tuesday. He was like me, generally quiet, so somewhat of an outcast. We both stayed in the same community so I would see him and chat once or twice a month. I'm sad that he's gone.

Daonnachd I'm so sorry for your loss. Tragic.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

Someone needs to write a book about grieving for lost years as well as a lost parent. It's been very hard discovering that I still loved my father and felt so bad for how he lived his last 20 years (2-3 feet deep garbage throughout his house, no water or electricity for unknown times, no family, just horrible). I just don't know how to cope with all of it and every day is different. Last night his obituary was posted online and I read it over and over even though I wrote it. It just doesn't seem real.

Last night I finally fell asleep without a big battle. I woke suddenly at 1:00 AM, sitting straight up in bed thinking "Read Colossians!". Hoping this meant the Bible would answer my questions I read it. I was too drugged to understand it and need to read it again but while I think the Bible probably has answers for me I'm not sure it is in Colossians. Fortunately my therapist is also a pastor so he can help with this Monday. It was just weird to wake like that.

I need to send thank yous to a couple of people at the hospital who went above and beyond to help us. I also need to pester my brother to do the one thing I asked him to do through all of this (send a text. That's all. He's got a lot going over the grief but still, one text......)

I'm getting sleepy so maybe I'll get another night of sleep. The first night after we were at his house I woke up at the motel screaming. Not surprising considering what I saw that day. I haven't slept well since then and the time change really messed with me. Hopefully the worst is past.

[tecomsin]

I am also so sorry for your sudden loss Daonnachd.

I've had to go back on a small dose of olanzapine at night just 1.25 mg. My sleep just wasn't enough without it and then the time change messed me up. My son has been texting me frequently that he is going to quit his job because he is in constant back pain. He has an written recommendation from his physio that he needs an ergonomic assessment and furniture that is appropriate but the company won't provide this. Finally I convinced him to go with me this weekend to try out chairs at staples or some other place and just buy one. I really had hoped I was done with all the problems like "I'm in constant pain and almost crying...' that kind of thing. I just wish he would solve his problems without me but at 25 he is still running to me with his problems and then I get very stressed out. When everything is fine then I don't here from him just when there are problems. Sorry for the rant.

[TheSeaCat]

Originally Posted by Daonnachd

It seems there's been too much loss in general here on the forum lately. It breaks my heart.

I am sorry for you loss; it really does seem like that doesn't it to much loss in here; it also breaks my heart too.

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by Daonnachd

I just got word that a friend from high school was killed in an automobile accident on Tuesday. He was like me, generally quiet, so somewhat of an outcast. We both stayed in the same community so I would see him and chat once or twice a month. I'm sad that he's gone.

So sorry for your loss , so hard to get news like this

[bizi]

Beyondtherainbow, I am so sorry you are dealing with this past/present knowledge of your father. I have a client who is a hoarder....I don't know how people can live like that?
very sad.
(((((HUGS)))))
bizi

[BeyondtheRainbow]

Thanks Bizi. One of the things I struggle with is that I did home health in rural Appalachia. I've been in REALLY bad homes, hoarders, animal hoarders, no running water, insects everywhere, rotting food everywhere, etc. I truly thought I was prepared for this and that it couldn't be as bad as what I've seen before. I was wrong. This was the worst. It haunts me.

This was so bad that once my leg fell through and I thought I was going to be stuck until my brother came back in to pull me out. There was a place where I was gathering some things off the floor after moving stuff around to reach the floor. I kept saying "I wonder what this carpeted slope is?". Two days later I realized it was the buckled floor.

The kitchen was so bad that when I tried to go across it to check the cabinets for anything I stopped immediately. It was too dangerous to even try.

There was a room full from floor to ceiling, wall to wall, with milk jugs (probably water jugs). We could not enter that room it was so full.

The picture I took of the bathroom sink requires explanation because I was so high above it on the garbage and it was so filthy and full of stuff that it doesn't look like a sink.

At one point my brother suddenly realized he'd been standing on the bed for about 20 minutes. It was that deeply buried.

Apparently my father had an opossum sleeping with him at some point. Not sure if that was when they found him after his stroke or another time. There's a catch/release trap in the kitchen. Getting that removed is what I want my brother to take care of. I am scared an animal will get caught and starve to death.

Things don't even make sense. I saw no clothing that he was possibly wearing. Perhaps it was in the rear of his truck after the laundromat? I have no idea but he had to have had something besides whatever he had on when he had the stroke. This bothers me because it seems like a big thing to be missing.

I also can't imagine how the paramedics got him out. He was barely breathing so stabilizing him enough to move was probably hard and moving him would have been acrobatic. I should add them to my thank you list.

Thanks to anyone who made it through all this. I'm still trying to figure out the right reaction.

I am annoyed and frustrated

yesterday evening I found out that a company in london needs a photograph of me for new laws coming in to affect

well, they can **** off, to put it bluntly.

no photos of me exist anywhere, and I'll be damned if I'm going to let anyone take one

I also didn't sleep again, my dinner yesterday didn't fill me up, and have no plans for today

oh yeah, and I let a woman help me after I told myself yesterday I'd just tel her to go away.

what's wrong with me?

[fern46]

Yesterday was a good day. I accomplished a lot around the house and I worked in a bit of exercise even though the Geodon makes my legs feel like cement blocks. I hope to do more today and avoid feeling like I need a 2 hour nap just to get through the day.

[Gabyunbound]

Originally Posted by Daonnachd

I just got word that a friend from high school was killed in an automobile accident on Tuesday. He was like me, generally quiet, so somewhat of an outcast. We both stayed in the same community so I would see him and chat once or twice a month. I'm sad that he's gone.

I'm so so sorry... And I know how difficult it can be to find friends in one's community. Please take good care, my friend.