[fern46]

The family member I reached out to with my story yesterday replied. She was loving and supportive. I didn't expect anything less, but I get nervous talking about what happened to me. I still feel so much guilt and shame. I am blessed though and today I want to focus on all the amazing things I have to be grateful for. Wonderful family members are at the top of my list! Well wishes to all for a good day.

[bizi]

Originally Posted by fern46

The family member I reached out to with my story yesterday replied. She was loving and supportive. I didn't expect anything less, but I get nervous talking about what happened to me. I still feel so much guilt and shame. I am blessed though and today I want to focus on all the amazing things I have to be grateful for. Wonderful family members are at the top of my list! Well wishes to all for a good day.

Glad she was loving and supportive, so important for our well being.
have a lovely day.
bizi

Last night my husband and I had to go to my family's town (my childhood hometown) for an appointment. Before that I told my dad that we would visit. He said he would be there. We got there a little late because of road detours along the way, but luckily my dad was still there, along with my brother. But only about 15 minutes passed and my dad stood up and said he had to "Go to a restaurant to eat a steak". This is by himself and an unnecessary thing to do, at least while we were still visiting. I sarcastically said "Well, Dad, it was nice seeing you for 15 minutes." to which he said "It was 21 minutes." He was in the other room, and I confess I gave him the middle finger out of anger.

It's clear my dad is relying on booze again. My brother also thinks my dad is just plain neurotic. He's so obsessed with his rituals of going to a cafe every morning of the week, doing set things at exact times of the day, including a nap, and going to certain restaurants in the evenings, then going to sleep. Anyway, we saw my brother. I see my brother more than any of my other family members.

Tonight I attend a lecture at the university. It's a 6-part lecture series on topics relating to modern China. That is relevant to my educational background and possible plans for a part-time job from home in the future.

[Daonnachd]

My car won't start. I'm late for work (if I make it there at all today).

[Daonnachd]

I got my car jumped and made it to work only 30 minutes late. My battery was dead again when I went out to leave. The groundsman jumped it and then sent the battery charger home with me.

I'm leaving soon for the first lecture in the lecture series I signed up for on modern China topics. It's on the university campus in my town. Hubby wants me to record it. I will have to ask if that's OK. I feel a little strange asking. I'm not even sure that my cell phone recording app will do a good job, if I'm even allowed, unless I sit in a front row, which I don't want to do. We'll see. I'll at least take notes. I'm going to try very very hard not to miss any of the lectures. There is one each week for the next six weeks.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

My father's ashes arrived today. They come in a box marked Human Cremains in several places and I had to sign for them. Which is good; I'd hate the neighbors to get that delivery. I need to open the box to get some paperwork out but feel weird about it. I know there is nothing to see but it's just weird that the person I knew has been reduced to about 10 lbs of crushed bones.

In really good news the paperwork for his burial policy came so I'll get reimbursed all but $400 for the cremation (and there may be more coming; the caseworker told me $2000 and the paperwork was for $1000 so I have to call her). I'm glad for any help with the costs though.

I'm tired tonight. Ok, I'm tired all the time right now. Hopefully my AD increase will help that soon. She only increased it 3 days per week and yesterday the patch refused to stick so hopefully tomorrow it will stick better and I'll benefit. The patch I used yesterday had previously been opened and I think the glue broke down.

[Maerlyn138]

I have been doing slightly better the past few months, mostly because of a medication change. My Psych recommended trying Vraylar and Xananx to help with sleep and anxiety control. I have been on Ativan before but it never seemed to have any effect on me.

My sleep has been disturbed for the past couple weeks though. I have been using some CBD oil during that time and I am pretty much convinced that that is whats causing the problem. So I am gonna cut that out and use meditation again as a means of falling asleep. Falling to sleep hasn't been so bad as staying asleep/getting quality sleep. So, that's my plan for the next few days

I'm learning piano! I can pick out the first few bars of "American Pie." My handyman came today and set up the keyboard stand and didn't charge me any thing. Nice guy! Then i needed a USB cable with an odd square plug to hook up my computer to my keyboard. I was worried i'd have trouble finding one but i found one at the first place i looked. The teaching app is really clever! It gives customized feedback by analyzing your playing.

So nice to have a new hobby! Music is brand-new to me. I know almost nothing about it. I'm starting from scratch. I don't think i'll be another Arthur Rubinstein but i'm being amused and that's good enough.


My mild depression continues. Still oversleeping but did better with eating healthy. I've abandoned all hope that the Wellbutrin will work like it did last Fall.

[TheSeaCat]

Hi all I realized I didn't post an update yesterday. How rude of me. I guess I got busy and forgot to type one up. I was here last night but forgot to type and post. Whoops; I promise I won't let that happen again.

I am doing alright we a currently celebrating physician week at work. Work is keeping me pretty busy as well as school; plus M's about ready to have surgery which has got me freaking out a little bit.

Hugs to everyone

[beauflow]

Originally Posted by Wander

Mood still good. Stable. It always surprises me how I literally switch from one state to another overnight, like I did last Thursday night. It seems I’m not one for progressing into and out of an episode. It’s just BAM. Anyone else like this?

i go " bam" some times myself, it is one aspect that has assisted my curiosity of the label on me.... however when mentioning this to the last pdoc, she mentioned that's rapid cycling, along with my other factors like the PTSD.

but not alone, a quick google search another soul has described this

On madness: a personal account of rapid cycling bipolar disorder

My mood may swing from one part of the day to another. I may wake up low at 10 am, but be high and excitable by 3 pm. I may not sleep for more than 2 hours one night, being full of creative energy, but by midday be so fatigued it is an effort to breathe.

and a omg moment for me comes when reading

I will sometimes drive faster than usual, need less sleep and can concentrate well, making quick and accurate decisions. At these times I can also be sociable, talkative and fun, focused at times, distracted at others. If this state of elevation continues I often find that feelings of violence and irritability towards those I love will start to creep in. Concentration and memory start to wane and I can become hypersensitive to noise. The children making their usual noise and my husband singing can drive me to distraction.

_______________________
I've been ok, it was a bouncy day as i call it... it was though, identified some things-

[beauflow]

Originally Posted by Daonnachd

I got my car jumped and made it to work only 30 minutes late. My battery was dead again when I went out to leave. The groundsman jumped it and then sent the battery charger home with me.

humans can be kind, I am glad that you encountered one on your tough moment

[BeyondtheRainbow]

Grief sleep is so weird. At 9:00 I was fighting to stay awake because I knew if I fell asleep I'd just be up at midnight. I finally gave up at 10:45 and fell asleep. I woke at 12:30 and now its 1:54 AM and I just finished paying bills trying to distract myself. I always wake during the night but right now it is seriously waking.

Oh well. All I have to do tomorrow is walk and feed my mom's dogs, probably get a vet appointment for my cat (ugh), and call some agency that has something to do with handling my father's death. So that's good. I'll lie to myself that I'll nap but I won't actually allow that .

[beauflow]

Originally Posted by whatever2013

I'm learning piano! I can pick out the first few bars of "American Pie." My handyman came today and set up the keyboard stand and didn't charge me any thing. Nice guy! Then i needed a USB cable with an odd square plug to hook up my computer to my keyboard. I was worried i'd have trouble finding one but i found one at the first place i looked. The teaching app is really clever! It gives customized feedback by analyzing your playing.

So nice to have a new hobby! Music is brand-new to me. I know almost nothing about it. I'm starting from scratch. I don't think i'll be another Arthur Rubinstein but i'm being amused and that's good enough.


My mild depression continues. Still oversleeping but did better with eating healthy. I've abandoned all hope that the Wellbutrin will work like it did last Fall.

more kindness from humans to another

I think it is great that you are learning the piano - music I think can be so much for our brains....- I some times want to play the alto sax again or try the clarinet again ... but idk-- IDK why Not either!... (well I am afraid I will get one and it will sit).. I remember when I used to play, it was just the music that mattered- nothing else

[Wander]

DRunk. Sitting on my parents back porch. Had a great day. Saw my T and he and I have decided to talk about all the trauma I have been through in the last two years with horror mixed/psychotic episodes, almost back to back. It has messed me up bad. Still, today I am good. I went for a great swim. Had an afternoon nap, and now waiting for an amazing dinner prepared by my parents. Lucky me! No alcohol tomorrow as I'm out and I cannot afford it. Taken up smoking, which I cannot afford, and hoping to quit when my supply runs out.

Haha. Good luck. How else am I supposed to cope with all this trauma? Coping skills? They help but I am drowning here. Mood is stable at least. See my pdoc tomorrow but things are ok so not much to report. Love this drunk feeling. Such peace. Not that I encourage drinking. I am just messed up right now.

[yellow_fleurs]

I am feeling lethargic lately. I do not feel that depressed exactly, but more physically off. Could be depression? I maybe just have a flare up of my autoimmune symptoms, not sure. Joints are also more sore and I feel a bit bloated, too. I perk up sometimes with coffee and feel totally fine for a bit but it comes back. I think it is affecting my work a little, I get less done and cannot think as fast.

I did have a good time with by boyfriend visiting. We did some fun activities together like bowling. That's all the energy I have right now for an update. Time to get ready for work.

even though I've not felt suicidal today, I have had a very difficult day (or morning I should say) having a meeting with a person about end of life care.

well, I've always been saying I want to tell someone what I want to happen, and today was it

and yes, it was difficult- though the guy listened and told me that he understood, the fact I was even talking to a guy (not a girl) freaked me out

the afternoon's been better, but very draining. after all those thoughts and an intense conversation, I didn't want to do much

sat down and watched life in peaces

now I'm hungry though. want my sausages

[pirilin]

Have you ever been kicked out of a site?.
Well, I have. Many times. Like 6 or 7.
I call 'em as I see 'em. Bad for biz.
I don't owe them anything. In fact, I'm helping
with my limited knowledge.
And I publish for personal satisfaction, most of the time.

This is not the case here.
I feel a LOT of gratitude for all of you.
You got me by while I was in my darker path.
That's why I try to visit daily.

Today, I was about to be kicked again.
I told off bluntly last night, a dude talking about light.
My favorite hobby and biz.
Repeating like a parrot what he read.
People tend to believe that, because is printed is true.

Anyway, I went to register again with a different name,
and to my surprise, I'm still in.
My comment lives. And life is good.
The other guy recognized he was wrong, and I
apologized for being blunt.
Next case.
It's hard to get a hold of myself sometimes.
Will it happen again. Hell yes.
Mankind isn't getting me out of my crazy ways.

Cheers.

[Blueberrybook]

Ugh, now I'm worried again. Just got a call from the rheumatologist. I had just thought I might have low iron (often I do), but lately I have gotten to the point of craving/chewing crushed ice a lot, so I just figured my iron count was perhaps lower, nothing major.

She is concerned because I am very anemic, and my hemoglobin has dropped a lot in 8 months. She's sending off the lab results to the GI doctor, who I just saw this morning before getting this info, and she is concerned of a slow bleed somewhere in the GI tract. I am sure this is going to mean more tests and just what that might show.

[wildflowerchild25]

I didn’t walk as far today. Feeling very tired and it’s chilly so I don’t want to be outside. Next four days should be warmer so I will have no excuse. Plus RS will be here so I can walk with him.

I’m mad because my car’s check engine light is on. I can’t drive until April 5th so it’s not a big deal now but I’ll have to get it checked out as soon as possible. Of course the car is JUST out of warranty so anything that’s wrong will be my responsibility. The last time my check engine light was on I drove it around like that for a year (different car) and I ended up supposedly needing a new transmission, though I’m not sure I believe that. I’m wary of anything involving my car because I’m a woman and I think dealerships and mechanics prey on women, especially single women, because they think we don’t know anything about cars. Well unfortunately that’s true for me, I don’t know **** about cars. But RS does, and he won’t let me get ripped off. He’s got a scanner for the engine so he can tell me what’s wrong and help me find somewhere to get it fixed.

I have to walk farther tomorrow to make up for my lazy day today.

[Nammu]

Wildflower I often think the same thing about mechanics. There was a time I could do most things to a car but then they changed and became all power and computer driven. I need to look for a new car but hate dealing with sellers and all the negotiating of a car purchase.

I learned more piano today. I got the left hand going too. It's really hard but i'm in no rush. To get a good sound out of my keyboard i have to really HAMMER on the keys and now my right hand and arm hurt. I'm sure i'll build up the strength tho. It was a sunny day but with a nasty wind. I wore shoes (not boots) for the first time this year!

[Sunflower123]

Checking in after a few days off social media so I’m behind on everyone’s updates. Doing really well and getting back into the groove of things. I had my physical this week and the bloodwork came back with really good results which surprised me greatly for reasons I won’t go into.

Going to meet with my new NP Tuesday for the first time. I have mixed feelings about that whole situation but I’ll give it a shot.

Talked to my sister for a long time today. She will be going to Florida with us for at least part of the two weeks (boo) but is probably going to bring a friend (yay) which means she’ll be on her best behavior. No screaming or tantrums...hallelujah.

I’ve been really lonely irl the past several days even surrounded by family. It’s time to get back into the swing of things socially. I never feel lonely with you guys though. I’m grateful for that.

Warm wishes and hugs to all.

[beauflow]

I was a little down and out today... at times depressive thoughts..But yet I was ok and hopeful and happy too... can't fully explain.
I see the therapist on Thursday which .. I am just wondering if this will be worth it all... and again?? Maybe I am just one of the ones that is a self medicater ... I dont want to lose myself, my way, what I feel deeply... I just need more time I think at moments.

I dislike having to re explain ... I dislike so much ... but I am needing something as I am causing trouble I feel like. Plus just me,.. the realization i crashed hurts i think... "why can't i get a grip and hang on to it??"

Ya know how Facebook shows memories 2017 and 2014 I was obviously agitated.. 2017 mentioned something like that day would be the day I'd piss everyone off... funny yesterday I had that feeling as well and was laughing about it... 2014 I posted something about giving a meme to a **** head ...
So much anger...

[~Christina]

Saw my T today , I always feel better after an hour in his dusty ole office, best smell in the world to me. I love my T in a non creepy transference way.

We are working on some massive trauma that hit me a few days ago .. it brought up a situation that happened in Florida. I just want it to fade into the back of my head again. There will always be times it’s front and center. I hate knowing that it’s just 1 trigger away. But it is what it is.

I’m very tired, last night my husband and I loaded 48 boxes of flooring , each box weighs almost 50 lbs !

What have I learned ??? I am weak as a 3 day old puppy. It really shocked me to really see how poor my muscles are. It’s no wonder I always feel exhausted. I need to start walking , sad thing is it will flare up my PsA. As if my pain isn’t bad enough ( thank you Fibromyalgia) my neck has been throbbing to thanks spinal stenosis!!!!!! poor me booo hooo stop whining already Christina !

Things could always be worse

Hugs and cookies to anyone needing them ~