[TheSeaCat]

Hello all; I realized I am getting bad when it comes to updates anymore. I've just been busy with a lot of things that it's sometimes hard to type out an update. Work is work and going very well.

I hung out with R after work we got our nails done since it had been two weeks and it was time to get them redone. Then after getting my nails done it was time to get to church for Bible Study which was well. We went out with M's parents and G and his wife; as per the standard anymore.

Hugs to everyone

~Christina thank's for the cookies they were delicous

[Wander]

Well the update fiend in back. I just can't stop updating atm. Today was interesting. I had a cortisone injection into my hip early this morning. It was painful not bad. That or the anaesthetic dragged me to bed for a hour. I woke very groggy so I took some Modafinal I had from a year ago - or so I thought. Getting more tired I took another 100 mg of it. After that I could barely walk or speck. I checked the table sheet and it was for 200mg SEROQEL tabs! They looked exactly the same as the modafinal. My error still should have read the sheet before taking it.

Anyway , as I had a pdoc appointment at 2pm. My Mum was always able to take me but I hate having to rely on my parents for anything. Appointment went ok. Glad I didn't have much today as I would not have been able to speak or write. lol. He wrote me the scripts I need so all is well. Se him in three weeks. I think he will clear me for work at that point.

Now it is almost 6 pm and can again speed and walk. The next few days I have been told to rest but stay active at times too. Just have Apple trying to fix my iMac, good shopping/scripts and then swimming on Sunday. So excited to be able to rest.

Hey! When did they flip the thanks and hugs?! (Same position to choose, but flipped under the posts). Weird. Wonder why. Well, not too much, I just can't imagine it being a thing.

I'm doing alright. Last 3 days to do work in the studio. () By sheer fortuitous coincidence though, I've got these 3 days off. So I plan to be there a LOT.

My thinking has been very mixed up lately. Not helped by weird dreams. I've got it under control, but I wish something would happen to snap me out of it. I still have no psych providers (the one the new insurance said was in network doesn't work where they said and hasn't for some time now), so am just running on refill scripts. I should do something about it I suppose, but I'm already feeling overwhelmed by bureaucracy. No T either, though I'm meeting with one at my old place middle of April. Will have to bring financials to determine if it's a go. Probably won't actually be able to see them. Wha wha whaaa, I know. But I could really use it right now to get my head right.

[Wild Coyote]

A warm hello to all!

I have been MIA; yet, think of you daily. I also read daily.

In addition to Bipolar illness, I also live with a background of a lot of trauma.
That was all triggered a few weeks ago, creating ongoing/chronic dissociation.

I see my pdoc/therapist every week, so she is keeping a close eye upon me.

I am usually somewhat dazed when reading and/or writing. Each day is very difficult.

Thanks so very much for your many supportive posts. I still need to respond and will do so as soon as I can. 'it took a lot to simply write this note.

Much love and appreciation to all!

[Nammu]

Bad night last night, vomited shortly after going to bed so I lost all my night meds. I did manage to fall asleep for about an hour and a half. Had a manic dream, dreamed that I was manic and woke in so much pain and my hands were burning hot and dry just like they do when I get manic. It was so attractive, that burning intense wildness in which you know 100% that everything you do is right. But man I can't even handle a manic dream without my body being in pain. I'm too old to have a real mania episode. Have arthritis of the spine so any lack of rest causes flare ups. Don't know when but while it was still dark took a full ambian tablet and managed to get some more sleep, enough that the hot hands and burning back calmed down. But boy there's some parts of the mania I miss, the confidence and conviction of my beliefs the feeling of invincibility. But boy I can't physically handle it. Dreams like this is what keeps me talking my meds and doing self care.

[wildflowerchild25]

So glad to hear from you WIld Coyote! I’m sorry you are struggling so much. I’m sending warm hugs to you that you will get through this tough period in your life.

I walked for six minutes today, a minute longer than the past few days. It helps that it’s so beautiful out today! And tomorrow and Saturday are supposed to be even better. Right now I’m sitting outside just enjoying the fresh air. It’s a bit chilly for me in the shade though.

I’ve been spending lots of time with RS. We are becoming a genuine family. We’ve only been dating for four months but we’ve already been talking about marriage in a couple of years. I just know he’s the one I’m meant to be with. I felt it with my late husband and I feel it with him. He’s really been a rock throughout my back surgery saga. He helps with whatever I need. He’s really been a treasure. I can’t describe how appreciative I am of him and how much I love him already. It’s the greatest feeling in the world.

Well enough sappiness lol. I hope everyone is doing well and big hugs to those that are struggling.

[Daonnachd]

I'm checking in today because tomorrow I'm leaving early for ECT.

[beauflow]

My internal antenna says no to the therapists I saw today..... it's not him it's me, I can put myself through where someone knows trauma exists but doesn't really know how to respond to it. He also told me he is pretty booked up with others.
Oh and one Last thing, one session and he mentioned "sometimes the bipolar diagnosis fits at one point and not later". So 2011 &2017 it fit but not now?

I talked too much, and dissociated...
Go to another I guess.. may just go back to where they screwed me on the bill.. because I liked that therapist

[yellow_fleurs]

Had therapy today. She surprised me by starting off asking me where I was with the Lyme disease and how I was doing with it. It's been years since I have been treated and still have some residual symptoms, although better than before. She explained intrusive thoughts can be related to Lyme disease and maybe that was the case for me.

We also discussed that she does not see any signs of bipolar disorder despite the diagnosis (or any of the other things I am worrying about like personality disorders). I know that I have moods that cycle, but I have to agree I do not think I quite reach hypomania except with the wrong meds. She wanted me to consider seeing their nurse about medication for intrusive thoughts, but I said I would at least want them to have my records from my psychiatrist since he saw me for about a year and I apparently react atypically. She mentioned zoloft, but I really think SSRIs are a terrible idea for me and don't think I'll be experimenting with that anytime soon.

So yeah, seems like I possibly do not have bipolar disorder. I wonder if there is any reason to go back to my psychiatrist to discuss. Maybe at least to consider options for OCD which is sounds like I probably do have. It is a bit strange to think if I do not have bipolar, than I will just have an incorrect diagnosis in my medical charts unless I get them to change it.

[Unrigged64072835]

Driving by through the neighborhood...

I hope those of you who are struggling find some solace and relief.

Sewing is taking up way more time than I thought it would, mainly because I'm being more thorough with fitting to my non-proportional body. Seams have to be moved, hems have to be tailored. Lots of calculations and just plain dumb luck sometimes. Today, though, I had an issue with the sewing machine so took it to the local dealer. Turns out the machine isn't the issue, but couldn't leave without buying something. Now have to measure hubby to make him clothes as a reward. Silly me. It keeps me going, though.

I'm finding that creativity is also spilling into the kitchen as well. I made a soup from scratch and it turned out pretty good. Yesterday I did fried rice with some tuna. That also turned out well.

See T on Monday, pnurse week after that.

My husband noticed that I'm becoming more agitated lately. I hope that's not hypomania, but it may be that the weather's getting better and it's time to do stuff before it gets too hot again.

Piano was interesting and challenging again today. I can play a few bars of "Light My Fire" by The Doors. I'm happy to think that i'm stimulating my brain and keeping it young and healthy and flexible. I was sick of Scrabble.

My microwave died last Fall and i didn't replace it as i wanted to make better use of my range. But an accident with the oven tonight convinced me to go back to a 'wave. It was quite upsetting and made a mess tho i think the burns are just first-degree as icing took care of the pain. That's the third accident i've had with the oven and i just don't think using it on a regular basis is a good idea. I'm recalling that BlueBerryBook had an accident with the oven too. They're a hazard.

I decided to go back off Wellbutrin as the only thing it is doing is drying my mouth out. It's only the third time since i started taking meds 27 years ago that i have adjusted my meds on my own.

The snow is going, but slowly. Today was mild but overcast. It was the first day i walked my dog without her coat this year. I'll miss it. I sort of like dressing her!

[TheSeaCat]

Hello everyone; I am typing up hopefully a long update tonight I know I've been a bit stingy with my updates as of late and I apologize for that. I am doing well work was a little odd today; lots of complaints for some reason.

I am busy trying to get next weeks assignments done this week so I when next week happens I can just focus on what I need to without school demanding that time. I also see my Cardiologist next week which I am sure will go just fine since I've made it a month without needing him.

I am a little worried about M's surgery next week.

Hugs to everyone

Wild Coyote It was nice seeing you post; I have missed seeing you around the forums. Sorry that you are dealing with everything you are dealing with. Thank you for thinking of us though.

[Victoria'smom]

I’m around. I stopped seeing my T and Pdoc and am surviving off of leftover meds. I don’t want to go back but will eventually have to or end up in the hospital. Everyone thinks I’m taking it properly but I’m not. I just want to be done with this mental health ****. I probably have 2 mths of meds the way I’m taking them.

Possible trigger:

I really want to get high on the ambein

. I wish I was someone else. I hate not being sunshine and rainbows. Even on meds I’m not a smiley
Person. Maybe it’s the scizo part? It’s only a matter of time before DH leaves me. My son is spending a lot of his time at his friends house. I may be getting paranoid. I don’t think I can stand dropping to the 7.5 mg I’m supposed to be on. I wish I had someone I could talk to that I didn’t feel like they’re trying to hospitalize me or I’m in trouble.

My parents won’t be coming to his graduation next year. They don’t see it as a big deal because he’s smart. (they’re making a huge deal about my sister’s kid’s graduating). I was already asked why I would throw a party for him but they throw the party for my nephew. Miguel notices this. He worked his *** off to graduate both mentally and physically. Finishing high school is a huge deal. It’s not like he’s stable. I’m just happy he continues to breathe. No one sees his struggle. I can’t imagine how hurt he must feel. Yes he has been there when they said this. I was told if he graduates in December then they’ll go.

[Wander]

Originally Posted by Miguel'smom

I’m around. I stopped seeing my T and Pdoc and am surviving off of leftover meds. I don’t want to go back but will eventually have to or end up in the hospital. Everyone thinks I’m taking it properly but I’m not. I just want to be done with this mental health ****. I probably have 2 mths of meds the way I’m taking them.

Possible trigger:

I really want to get high on the ambein

. I wish I was someone else. I hate not being sunshine and rainbows. Even on meds I’m not a smiley
Person. Maybe it’s the scizo part? It’s only a matter of time before DH leaves me. My son is spending a lot of his time at his friends house. I may be getting paranoid. I don’t think I can stand dropping to the 7.5 mg I’m supposed to be on. I wish I had someone I could talk to that I didn’t feel like they’re trying to hospitalize me or I’m in trouble.

My parents won’t be coming to his graduation next year. They don’t see it as a big deal because he’s smart. (they’re making a huge deal about my sister’s kid’s graduating). I was already asked why I would throw a party for him but they throw the party for my nephew. Miguel notices this. He worked his *** off to graduate both mentally and physically. Finishing high school is a huge deal. It’s not like he’s stable. I’m just happy he continues to breathe. No one sees his struggle. I can’t imagine how hurt he must feel. Yes he has been there when they said this. I was told if he graduates in December then they’ll go.

I am so sorry life is especially difficult right now. The most important thing to focus on is your health. I understand wanting to push the boundaries but it almost always ends bad for me. Is there anyone in your circle who you can talk honestly with and not be judged? I think bouncing ideas off others always helps as long as its the right person. Otherwise we are here for you. Stay safe and keep posting.

[Wander]

Well I am no longer drunk from my accidental Seroquel kind of partial OD yesterday. lol. I was a mess. My poor pdoc struggled to communicate with me as I slurred my words. Good thing is he didn't chastise me or make a big deal out of it. (see my last post if you want details). I am tired though but am not sure if its normal Fibromyalgia, an effect of the cortisone injection, or the Seroquel. Oh well. I am supposed to rest for a few day after the injection anyway.

My mood is upbeat but stable. So fed up with medical appointments though. I had six this last week for various reasons. Next week only two thankfully. Waiting for the Apple guy to call and continue to help me fix my iMac. It better work as I spent $3000 on it in a manic spree. I now only use it to edit photos. It's great for that but I didn't need the biggest and best one available.

My T wants me to give my Mum Enduring Power of Attorney over my finances that would be enacted if I was manic. The thought embarrasses me but I have lost a lot of money in the past. Recently I have begun giving my Mum all my cash and credit card when I see I'm heading in that direction. She is learning to spot the signs now too so I think that should be enough to keep my money where it should be.

I could babble on for pages as I am chatty but I wont continue to bore you all.

I just formally signed up to attend my 30th high school reunion. This will actually be the very first one I have ever attended. I only really kept in touch with one high school friend, until recently when I found another good one through Facebook. I went to a small private school, and at the time my class had only 25 students. Despite the small number, I was only somewhat friends with a few students. It was only a year after my first major bipolar episode. I had had a rather traumatic experience at a previous school. The private school was nice, but I isolated a lot. Honestly, not that many students knew me well at all. I've been thinking about what to say to people there. It's tough! These things are often brag sessions about careers and children. Right now I have neither. I think I look almost exactly the same as in high school, other than being a lot chunkier and obviously a bit older.

This morning I went to take my morning medications and realized that I forgot yesterday's. That's unusual for me, but when it does happen, it happens because I had trouble getting up in the morning. That's exactly what happened yesterday. The only reason I had trouble is because I stayed up too late at night the night before. That's not good for me, I know. Last night I conked out quite early and woke up feeling pretty good. As for the results of missing yesterday's morning medications? I did have a bit of anxiety yesterday morning, but nothing really beyond that. That's unusual, too. Usually I feel unwell a number of hours into the day when I've missed my morning medications. I never fully miss my evening medications, because if I forget them, I always eventually remember them because I can't sleep.

[fern46]

I had a productive morning. I wrote for a few hours and outlined several chapters in what might turn out to be a book. I haven't committed to it fully yet, but I've enjoyed the creative process thus far. Maybe I'll actually complete it one day. I've had trouble completing efforts in the past and I'd like to see something like this completed. I've read leaving efforts unfinished is a bipolar trait, so maybe my meds will help me finish this time.

It is a nice day out. Time for a picnic! Happy Friday to everyone and well wishes for a healthy and balanced day.

My day has just started-- just woke up at 12:30pm. I was up most of the night as I couldn't sleep. Still at a bit of a loss when it comes to a sense of self and what I can even achieve anymore, but I'm ok.

[tecomsin]

I was doing a google search to see if I could find anything still left on the web about my mother and found out I made it on to a wikipedia list of significant Canadian Jews. I am not violating my anonymity by saying this as there are a lot of people on it, more than a 1000 I think.

I haven't worked in more than 5 years so this is based on my accomplishments before that. It didn't appear in the first 100 of google results if I just search my name, so it is an accident that that particular wikipedia list has not only my last name but my mother's first name and the surname she changed to after she divorced.

My son was impressed but my sister didn't even respond when I texted that to her.

I feel great to be able to toot my own horn about something for a change.

Originally Posted by tecomsin

I was doing a google search to see if I could find anything still left on the web about my mother and found out I made it on to a wikipedia list of significant Canadian Jews. I am not violating my anonymity by saying this as there are a lot of people on it, more than a 1000 I think.

I haven't worked in more than 5 years so this is based on my accomplishments before that. It didn't appear in the first 100 of google results if I just search my name, so it is an accident that that particular wikipedia list has not only my last name but my mother's first name and the surname she changed to after she divorced.

My son was impressed but my sister didn't even respond when I texted that to her.

I feel great to be able to toot my own horn about something for a change.

tecomsin, thanks for sharing this story! Not only am I happy you found that list, but I really appreciate the positive message it represents.

Way too often, people (with a mental illness or not) fall into times when they feel dissatisfied with their situations or often, themselves. Everything can seem horrible. It can be easy to forget the good in ourselves/others and our accomplishments. Many people can start to minimize them exceedingly and look at themselves as worthless or hopeless. It's simply not the case, for anyone!

I mentioned earlier that my 30th high school reunion is coming up. I never attended a reunion before, but plan to in May. I was looking in my yearbook, and even found some old grade reports that I kept from my junior and senior years. At that school, each teacher would not only provide a grade each trimester, but a paragraph (or three) about each students' performance, characteristics, etc. The grade reports started to make me cry, as did looking at my past teachers' photos. There was praise by the teachers, and also comments about how I was clearly too hard on myself.

I've been thinking a lot about this high school reunion lately. What do I say to people? I've been on disability for over eight years? I don't even have any children. Would I seem to be a failure to others, even though I showed so much promise earlier in my life?

Well, I know I'm not a failure! I've actually accomplished a great deal. Maybe some of the "usual" accomplishments are past tense, but they existed, and will mean something for the rest of my life. And then what about these last 14 years I've struggled with a major mental illness? Honestly, they were so extremely difficult! I know now how much strength it took for me to survive them. A strength many people don't have. We are all extremely strong here. No one call yourself weak! If you do, it's the illness talking.

In my final high school advisor report, my teacher and advisor wrote:

"...Sometimes one's last weeks in high school can be quite sweet--if one has already...figured out how to deal with all the rules and all the people, and has confidence in one's ability to learn. If this isn't quite a sweet time for [BirdDancer], it's because she hasn't quite mastered all of the above. But there's still time!"

I went on to do a great number of things and achieved a lot prior to the worst years of my illness 15 years ago, and yet, despite more seemingly laudable accomplishments of the past, I hadn't yet "mastered all of the above" that my teacher/advisor mentioned. I now think I have, even sitting on my bed today, without a career, still on disability.

My life is hopefully far from over. There's plenty I can do in the future, and I look forward to it. However, I feel pretty darned satisfied with what I've done and learned in my life. I feel mostly at peace.

As side notes, that same teacher/advisor noted my tendency for "logorrhea" in a report she wrote in my junior year. I still need to work on curbing that! My moodstabilizers and antipsychotic alone don't cut it. Also, I graduated at the top of my class in high school. I didn't feel like I deserved to, at the time.

Maybe I'm not that well right now. I hope my neighbors didn't hear me. I'm sweating because I just acted out a major verbal and physical fight with the people that owe us money. It was just me ironing in the meantime. I think I should take a prn Seroquel.

Update: I just took 50 mg Seroquel IR. I wonder if forgetting my morning medications yesterday is some factor in this.

[wildflowerchild25]

I’m in a weird place today. A couple of days ago I received a phone call - on MY cell phone - for my late husband. I was shocked when they asked for him and told them he was deceased. I didn’t even ask who was calling because I was so surprised. The woman wanted the date of his death and I complied. I’m going to assume it was his credit card company who keeps sending nasty letters saying they are going to sue him for the amount he owes (to which I say good luck, let me know how it goes).

Anyway I guess that trigger something in me because now I’ve been thinking about the morning I found him. It’s very upsetting and disturbing to me. It’s coming up on four years and I’ve gone through every emotion I think I could go through and now I’m remembering finding him lying there and rushing back to my room to call 911 and realizing right then that I was too late. It’s very upsetting. I suppose if it’s still going on by Tuesday I will mention it to my therapist.

[Blue_Bird]

Haven't checked in here in awhile. The med changes have completely gotten rid of my paranoia and hallucinations. My mood is better too. I'm having some difficulty sleeping but other than that I think I'm more stable than I have been in a long time

[Unrigged64072835]

Got a letter from an insurance company concerning a policy from my deceased father. Sent the information to my brother, who handled his estate. He went to file the claim--and found the number for the agent was a scam drop line. Needless to say I sent a note to the company's fraud services department. Will see how it goes.

Surprisingly enough I don't even want the money, but my brother is running out of inheritance money and I have none to give him. So if the father monster had stashed a policy somewhere, I would make sure he filed the claim first. So this was more annoying that it was a scam, but at least my brother was cautious enough to check it out.

We don't agree on much, but agreed this was something we didn't need.

[GoldenSnitch]

I haven’t been on in a while. I started a new job and life was crazy. But I’m off work on a leave and have been spending more time on my phone. I’m not doing well and just trying to avoid going IP right now. My two psychiatrists have diagnosed me with different things so I’m a little confused and think maybe I have both.