[Nammu]

No, no,no, the snow was supposed to melt on contact and be mixed with rain....not a full out snowstorm. Looks like that early forecast was right....4-8 inches of white stuff. NO! Looks like December-January out there. Bed is calling me!

[fern46]

Originally Posted by BirdDancer

Today should hopefully be an easy day. Last night was nice. I attended an interesting lecture at the university. It was lecture three of six on modern China topics. I'll attend a different kind of one-time lecture tomorrow night that focuses on turning setbacks into advantages after traumatic experiences. That may sound like an unlikely possibility, but I think it can be possible. I am a believer that struggles in life can make us stronger, or at least wiser, in the end. Or, take us in interesting new directions.

By chance, my psychiatrist has been attending the modern China lectures, along with his wife, too. I found it odd that he hand his arm around her shoulder most of the time last night. In a lecture hall. Does anyone else think that would seem odd? He's not a newlywed by a long shot. They're in their 70s, married at least 30+ years. My husband wouldn't do that to me in a lecture hall or concert hall. Maybe a movie theater, but not even there nowadays. Yes, maybe he's just very affectionate with his wife, even in public, but there is part of me that wonders if that was deliberate because he knew I was there. As background, there was a period when I had a rather major transference love for him. An unhealthy one. But I have gotten past that to a large degree. I'm not jealous he did that, but it is curious to me.

I don't think it is odd. My husband wouldn't do that, but my dad puts his arm around me sometimes and he used to put his arm around my mom before they divorced. It seems unlikely he would do that because you were there, but you know your relationship better. Maybe.

I'm glad you had a good night and plan for an easy day today.

[Nammu]

Originally Posted by BirdDancer

Today should hopefully be an easy day. Last night was nice. I attended an interesting lecture at the university. It was lecture three of six on modern China topics. I'll attend a different kind of one-time lecture tomorrow night that focuses on turning setbacks into advantages after traumatic experiences. That may sound like an unlikely possibility, but I think it can be possible. I am a believer that struggles in life can make us stronger, or at least wiser, in the end. Or, take us in interesting new directions.

By chance, my psychiatrist has been attending the modern China lectures, along with his wife, too. I found it odd that he hand his arm around her shoulder most of the time last night. In a lecture hall. Does anyone else think that would seem odd? He's not a newlywed by a long shot. They're in their 70s, married at least 30+ years. My husband wouldn't do that to me in a lecture hall or concert hall. Maybe a movie theater, but not even there nowadays. Yes, maybe he's just very affectionate with his wife, even in public, but there is part of me that wonders if that was deliberate because he knew I was there. As background, there was a period when I had a rather major transference love for him. An unhealthy one. But I have gotten past that to a large degree. I'm not jealous he did that, but it is curious to me.

I don't think it's odd either. My BiL will often put his arm around my sister. He does it cause they are close and have an easy warm relationship. I think you are reading too much into it.

[gina_re]

I've been applying to jobs for over two months now and I've only had one interview. It's wearing me down and it's getting harder and harder to stay motivated to keep applying. I'm seeing the same jobs that have turned me down in my job searches and it's frustrating. The stress about my lack of funds is making me overeat and the fact that I am home everyday and not very active is letting me gain weight. My positive attitude is slowly going down the drain and anxiety is replacing it. I just want to stay in bed and under the covers. Luckily my sister and her kids will be over this weekend, so that will be a welcomed distraction for a few days. But I'm just so over this situation..

[Sunflower123]

I’m doing really good today.

Yay! The dental procedure is done and I haven’t needed pain pills. The dentist didn’t want me to drive up to visit my daughter today or tomorrow so that will have to wait. He does want me to eat ice cream for the next three days. Well, I’ll make that sacrifice if I must...lol. Just so darn happy it’s done.

To beat it all, I came home and two family friends were trimming the bushes and mowing the yard. They even took the trash out to the curb since I’m supposed to be resting. Good friends are true treasures.

Warm wishes and hugs to all.

[wildflowerchild25]

I found out that I can do my clinical practice over the summer instead of during the regular school year so that’s awesome. That means I won’t have to quit my job. I also found out though that I did fail the one class I never withdrew from. So my GPA is a sad 2.92. I will get it up though. And for a masters the GPA doesn’t matter as much because I’ll never go for my doctorate so I don’t have to impress anyone. Jobs won’t care about my master’s gpa. Just that I have a master’s.

I woke up this morning thinking this was all a huge mistake but now I’m back to being excited. I hope it isn’t s mistake.

In other news I am hottibly upset about my weight. I’ve been eating terribly and gained ten pounds in the six weeks since I left work. Part of it was because I couldn’t stand up long enough to cook and fast food isn’t healthy but most of it was eating for comfort. I’m trying desperately to reel it in but I just get so hungry at night. I don’t think it’s my meds, I’ve been on them for a year and haven’t had a problem. Now my birth control definitely makes me snacky in the third week but usually I can overcome that. Now I just can’t. I’ve done well today despite having fast food for both lunch and dinner - I made better choices so my calorie intake wasn’t too high. I hope I can keep it together tonight and limit my snack to one bowl of cereal.

In other other news I am nearly one year hospital free. I’m so happy. I’m so glad I’ve been mostly stable. Just a couple of blips over the summer that were situational and then winter that were seasonal. No hypomania. Which I kind of miss but it leads to bad things so that’s actually good.

Next week is my son’s spring break so he will be home with me all week. I am planning on taking him to my grandmother’s house and to the park. RS is also going to take a day off and we are going to go down to the indoor water park. It will be fun I’m sure.

[Blueberrybook]

Still here. I'm feeling like crap though. Stupid low iron anemia. I am starting to wonder if distance running could be the culprit? Still waiting on one lab to come in, but the latest blood work shows the same, some elevated liver levels (ALT and AST), not super elevated but a bit. Even lower total iron with higher iron-binding capacity, ferritin now at the lowest number of the normal range, some other iron related enzyme elevated. The liver tests other than ALT and AST were normal, thank goodness (other than the one with a longer turn around time), and I have read even stress or vigorous exercise can increase ALT and AST, not to mention the fact that I had to take Tylenol daily (often more than once a day) nearly all of March because I had 3 new crowns put in, and one of the bottom ones just flared up the nerve horribly. I was ready to get a root canal, but the dentist thought it was worth waiting a few weeks as nothing obvious was wrong on the x-rays. That nerve/tooth is finally feeling much more normal and less painful.

Could be distance running is the culprit though, and I might have to take a break, depending what the doctor says. I'm already running much less from the fatigue and have been a couple weeks now, but maybe not long enough to make a difference in the lab and my body just yet? I exercised and ran like a fiend in college, and I never got to this point of anemia, even with restricting calories too. And definitely not ice eating pica. A lot of days I run the refrigerator icemaker out of ice, and I'm here by myself all day. The craving for ice is super strong. I can't resist it if I know I can get ice. Feel like I'm an addict to it or something.

Wanting some answers. I see my PCP next week, my GI doc the following week. Something from my ulcer surgery may have caused this, or perhaps the hiatal hernia he found at my recent upper endoscopy. Just feel like crap and don't know if it's worth it to take an iron supplement or not or if I even should. The GI doc ordered the latest bloodwork, but he is super busy (workaholic, I think). Also, I think he wants the last test to come in, which has a longer turnaround time, probably also the biopsy results from the upper endoscopy. I follow up with him near the end of the month. Hopefully, my PCP gets me on iron supplements or initiates a few more tests. Maybe it's as simple as running being the culprit, but I hate that because I like running and especially distance running. It helps me with my anxiety and panic attacks. But then again, low iron anemia can cause anxiety & panic attacks, so it's all a great big confusing jumble.

[lightly toasted]

Better today.

Managed to get 3 loads of laundry done, the kitchen cleaned and put something in the slow cooker for supper. Even managed a short workout before having a bath.

I had insomnia last night again, but I it was at the front end of the night, so the sleep I did get was in one block .

[yellow_fleurs]

The last few days have been rather tough but I can blame it on hormones plus stressors like my car breaking down. Honestly mostly hormones as I felt happy despite the car situation when it happened. I felt super chipper and in love with life on Friday when I saw my therapist, by Saturday everything was making me anxious and irritable and it's been just rough since then. Had acupuncture yesterday and things are going a little bit better today. I seriously just don't understand my brain sometimes. I keep going back and forth and being indecisive about trying medication again. I am not against it, but since I surprised my psychiatrist with my med reactions it makes me anxious that will be a pattern and could happen again. Same with the birth control to level out my moods. I have the Rx filled, but I am not super keen on trying for three months to see if it works out. My doctor basically said I would have to try it that long even if I felt worse although I would stop it sooner if I had dangerous thoughts. I am too scared because my insight is not good in these kinds of states so I might not even realize I needed to stop it.

In better news a friend is visiting from out of town this weekend. I have not seen her in a long time and am looking forward to it. I am also going to do zumba with another friend tomorrow night so staying active. Hope everyone has a great night and day tomorrow.

Miserable. I tried to cheer myself up by taking a trip to a far-away mall that i like but it didn't work. I couldn't look at people or finish my meal. I see my doctor tomorrow and not a moment too soon.

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by Pookyl

After weeks in a psych hospital I’m finally home. Yay!!

My meds have been changed up and I’m seriously feeling the best I’ve felt. Will write more tomorrow.

So glad to hear your feeling better

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by Nammu

No, no,no, the snow was supposed to melt on contact and be mixed with rain....not a full out snowstorm. Looks like that early forecast was right....4-8 inches of white stuff. NO! Looks like December-January out there. Bed is calling me!

Oh no !!! I don’t approve of this at all. I have a flamethrower if you’d like to borrow it !

Stay warm

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967

I’m doing really good today.


Yay! The dental procedure is done and I haven’t needed pain pills. The dentist didn’t want me to drive up to visit my daughter today or tomorrow so that will have to wait. He does want me to eat ice cream for the next three days. Well, I’ll make that sacrifice if I must...lol. Just so darn happy it’s done.


To beat it all, I came home and two family friends were trimming the bushes and mowing the yard. They even took the trash out to the curb since I’m supposed to be resting. Good friends are true treasures.


Warm wishes and hugs to all.

I loathe dental work I stress out til I’m sick.

Glad you have some great people to help you

[pirilin]

Made a lowball offer on eBay for 12hrs.
We have been haggling me up, him down for like five times.
I never thought he will sell it. But couldn't go to sleep either.
Two minutes before the end, I found it in my cart.

There should be a law against people like that.
What if I have a cardiac condition?.
Or a renal one. (I almost said ****, but no problems in that vecinity.)
Or my nerves are fried?. Which they are. Since birth.

Gonna sleep like a baby now.
What's for you, nobody can take away. (Old Cuban proverb.)

TATA!!!.

Cheers.

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by yellow_fleurs

The last few days have been rather tough but I can blame it on hormones plus stressors like my car breaking down. Honestly mostly hormones as I felt happy despite the car situation when it happened. I felt super chipper and in love with life on Friday when I saw my therapist, by Saturday everything was making me anxious and irritable and it's been just rough since then. Had acupuncture yesterday and things are going a little bit better today. I seriously just don't understand my brain sometimes. I keep going back and forth and being indecisive about trying medication again. I am not against it, but since I surprised my psychiatrist with my med reactions it makes me anxious that will be a pattern and could happen again. Same with the birth control to level out my moods. I have the Rx filled, but I am not super keen on trying for three months to see if it works out. My doctor basically said I would have to try it that long even if I felt worse although I would stop it sooner if I had dangerous thoughts. I am too scared because my insight is not good in these kinds of states so I might not even realize I needed to stop it.


In better news a friend is visiting from out of town this weekend. I have not seen her in a long time and am looking forward to it. I am also going to do zumba with another friend tomorrow night so staying active. Hope everyone has a great night and day tomorrow.

I feel yeah. It’s hard to “ try” meds as most of take a while to work. Side effects of a types can happen.

I hope you can find a balance that is good for you

[~Christina]

Busy day today , finally sitting my fat ash down.

I’ve been off Latuda for a month and I found today I have lost over 10 lbs with no increase in exercise,, so I’m glad I dumped it. I’m feeling fine... happily waiting for our vacation to start on Monday.

I see my Pdoc tomorrow, routine normal 3 month visit. Will I tell him I ditched Latuda ? I see no point at this time , “ if” I get into trouble mood wise I’ll deal with it then.

Hugs and cookies to everyone

[Wander]

Feeling INTENSE. Can't stop staring wildly. Overwhelmed. Will fight to the death to survive. Contentment has been lost. Need support. This PTSD therapy is helping but I seem to be reacting and want to act out. So I am drinking a beer with smokes I cannot afford. Why can't I be better behaved? Trying, trying so hard. Not sure what to do tonight. Will try to sleep early but feel wired. Don't want to take Seroquel so we'll see how that goes. Guess it's one of those intense struggly days.

[fern46]

Originally Posted by Wander

Feeling INTENSE. Can't stop staring wildly. Overwhelmed. Will fight to the death to survive. Contentment has been lost. Need support. This PTSD therapy is helping but I seem to be reacting and want to act out. So I am drinking a beer with smokes I cannot afford. Why can't I be better behaved? Trying, trying so hard. Not sure what to do tonight. Will try to sleep early but feel wired. Don't want to take Seroquel so we'll see how that goes. Guess it's one of those intense struggly days.

I hope the hours left in your day go by quickly and you find sleep easily. You are very brave for fighting like you continue to do. You are stronger than you know. I know you fear another episode, but so far you are winning. Hold gratitude for yourself. You can do this.

[Scooter9]

I'm starting to feel better after being in bed since Sunday. It's a flu or cold. I was out of bed for maybe 2 hours out of 3 days!

I'm back at work today but still sniffling. My ears just cleared up too, which is nice.

I found out that a guy that started after me got fired while I was away. I hope it was performance related and that they are not cutting back on people in general. I'll find out later today.

In other news, I checked my Instagram and I have over 500 followers! I have been working on this for about 6 months now and am pleased to see that. I use it to market my other books (not the one I recently finished). My goal is to have around 5,000 followers - that's still a way off but I'm happy with what I have now.

Mood wise I have not been feeling as low as last week but then I was preoccupied with my sickness. I skipped Modafinil for 3 days so that I could sleep during the day and rest.

I had a special class I signed up for that was supposed to happen tonight, but that had to be cancelled.Sadly, the instructor became very ill. So tonight I'll be on my own again. Hubby has a project he's working on with a friend. He went out with a different friend last night. Last night I went to the movies and saw "The Aftermath". It wasn't that great. It was emotionally intense, though. I felt a bit unwell at the end.

I rarely buy anything other than groceries, but today I bought myself a new spring dress, a coordinating cardigan sweater and a pair of cargo pants. All were 40-50% off. I bought them through Lands End and Eddie Bauer. I needed a pretty dress for my upcoming high school reunion. Unfortunately, very few of my dresses fit well anymore. I've gained weight. I highly doubt I'll lose enough by early next month to fit in my old dresses. The one I bought is a pretty floral blue and pink. The cardigan is pink. I have two pretty pairs of shoes that would surely go with the dress, but both are kind of high wedge type shoes. I'm a little clumsy nowadays. I may want to buy something lower heeled.

Yesterday I scheduled my next French lesson. I cancelled my last one. I need to get back to it. Last time I was physically unwell and extremely agitated and anxious.

I'm suddenly feeling emotional now, but otherwise calm. I just watched a video about my old high school, and tears fell from my eyes. It astounds me that that was 30 years ago. I remember my time there so well. I'm almost afraid that when I attend the reunion I will cry. Generally, I'm not a crier, but I am sort of yearning for something I had back then. I could feel the same going back to my university campus. That's actually not too far from my home, either. The strange thing is that if I walk the campuses I will be like a stranger, in a sense. I could feel a bit like an outsider. I almost feel the same when I walk around my childhood hometown.

Over an hour later. Impulsivity, I got dressed in a flash and decided to go to my alma mater university. I could have driven, but had an urge to take the train. I got to the train station to literally find zero parking spot in the no permit needed area. I drove around it maybe four times and figured maybe the trip was not to be. Everyone parked there is in the city (NYC). Instead, I went to my downtown area, a touristy area with a major league university of its own. An even more prestigious university. Now I'm in a local pub restaurant having a salad...Um, and a beer. I don't feel guilty. It's the sane expense as the parking at the train station and roundtrip train ticket to my alma mater. I would have eaten lunch there, anyway.

Yummy salad with chicken, walnuts, gorgonzola cheese, spiced pear. And...beer. Only one, I promise.

[lightly toasted]

Originally Posted by BirdDancer

Generally, I'm not a crier, but I am sort of yearning for something I had back then.

I can relate to this, I was getting the same feeling (and I often get this feeling) as I was reading your post. I yearn for that youthful energy, and the ignorance of this illness. I'm sure I must have been showing subtle signs of this illness back then, but it was nice thinking I believing I could achieve the life I imagined for myself.
Embarrassingly, I've been sort of online stalking my boyfriend from back then- I've not made contact or anything super weird, just read what he had put out there for anyone to read. He was not very nice to me, so I'm not sure why my occasional obsession with him lately...other than, I would just love to be 17 again, and not know any of what I know now, or maybe know all of it, and make different choices for myself.

I try and shake out of these doldrums of unhealthy nostalgia, and looking at my past with rose tinted glasses, and focus on making my current life better for myself. But the shear lack of energy, despite motivation just kills me. So tough to want to improve things but having the energy of a 90 year old with the flu most of the time.

Encouraged by your new spring clothes, Bird Dancer. It's given me to courage to pull out and assess my spring/summer clothes and accept what I fear I have out-fatted and what maybe *fingers crossed* still fits.

[Nammu]

The weather got worse. Thunderstorms with such loud thunder it shook my bed. Debris everywhere today. In my daughters county there are over 200 poles down so no travel advised. Plus the cable was out this am. No internet, tv or phone. Icy and windy out there. No plans to go anywhere or do anything.

Christina been following your latuda journey, 10lbs is a lot for no changes. seriously considering joining you in stopping that.

I feel kinda paranoid. Stressed out I guess. I don't know why because there's really nothing to stress me out, except these feelings. Oh these feelings...

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by Nammu

The weather got worse. Thunderstorms with such loud thunder it shook my bed. Debris everywhere today. In my daughters county there are over 200 poles down so no travel advised. Plus the cable was out this am. No internet, tv or phone. Icy and windy out there. No plans to go anywhere or do anything.


Christina been following your latuda journey, 10lbs is a lot for no changes. seriously considering joining you in stopping that.

I was very surprised, and over the moon happy.

Saw my Pdoc today and saw no reason to tell him st this point