Not getting better

I'm not getting better. Possibly worse. I'm finding I'm thinking about suicide more and more often. I miss people I can't be around for all sorts of reasons but mostly because I'm me and that I'm a mess. I need to get better, or do I? Maybe I could give up, like I said the other day. Maybe I have given up? I want to die so often and the thoughts get worse and rarely lift even a little. I'm in one of the worst depressions I've ever seen, but I haven't made any attempts because I don't feel like there's a point to anything.
I have no point

I'm sorry are going through this. You matter. You are important and you deserve to be happy. Have faith. This will pass. I can relate and I tell myself to stay strong and to hope for better days. You can to. It is hard and it will not be easy. But you have strength you don't realize. Praying for you to get better. Don't give up. You can pass your strength to others. Be well.

I'm sorry you're feeling so crappy. It's hard, but like Jedi said, it will pass. It just doesn't feel that way right now. It's so hard to see past where you are right now, I know, I really do. But it will. Just gotta keep fighting. Sending good thoughts for strength. You can make it through. Do you currently have a pdoc? Good idea to check in and see if meds could be adjusted. It could help. Sometimes a lot.

I hope that, in some way, you will be able to find a path to new meaning in your life.

I do have a pdoc and we made changes a couple weeks ago. It had the effect of giving me more energy which is mostly good, but also increasing my depression.
I appreciate the responses.
I'm going to bed early again. I'm exhausted

You're reaching out even though you're in a dark place. That's a good thing. We're here for you. I'm sorry you're experiencing this and I hope it lifts soon.

I feel like here is the safest place I can reach out. My psych team both tell me I'm getting better or that it's not as bad as it seems. I don't think they understand just how much I want to not exist.

this is a safe place ... please keep reaching out ... many here care and want you to be in a better place ... want you to exist ...I know it sounds like a pat answer but things can get better ... time is the big factor ... give yourself time to bounce back ... it really is true that if we wait long enough things always do change ...

I got lucky and found a "reason" to want to be here ... something to look foward to everyday ... such can be found .... what it would be for you I do not know ... but I assure you it is out there ... if you can find it ...

I came up from the blackest "beast" I have ever experienced and was right on the edge ... if I can fight back to somewhat normal I know you can too ....

never give up friend ... we are here for you ... Tigger ..

Hi SorryShaped,
I hope this time passes for you.

You mentioned a change in meds recently? Last year I was given a med and since I am sensitive to side effects and therefore often give up on them quickly, I promised myself a "3 month trial."

Well it very clearly increased suicidal thoughts. More than "usual." I finally and definitely told my pdoc, T and primary care doc and they took me off of it. The severity went away.

Sometimes it can be meds. (Sometimes not.) Please hang on through the storm and continue reaching out.


FearLess47

I've had reactions and side-effects to just about everything eventually. My body doesn't respond well to meds, even though my mind might, but I do need them. I worked out 3.5 hours total today plus walking and that helped a little but I'm back to feeling low again and don't have the power to move left in me. I know meds take time and I should be patient. I'm going to bed for the night and hoping I feel better tomorrow, but not counting on it.

How are you feeling today? Thinking of you. It is great you got some work and a walk in!

And it is crazy how much the meds affect us. My body is very sensitive too. I recently came off one and moved my other med to night time. I feel like a completely different person. Hopefully things will settle for you soon.

Can't stop feeling terrible. I tried, during yoga, to let things go, but my self got in the way yet again. At least I'm ok with little streams coming from my eyes during practice. Gonna rest now, but later I'm going to another exercise class.

So sorry you're feeling this way. If you're really not safe, is it an option to consider IP? Thinking of you.

I'll stick to therapy and meds for now. My nights have been way off. I've been sleeping five hours max but two nights ago I apparently got up in my sleep and made food and got drunk with no conscious effort. I woke up in the morning trashed and had to sleep more. I have sleep strangeness sometimes when I'm really feeling mentally stressed.
Today's got some mess too. My therapist is already 25 minutes late and not even here. I'm supposed to go help a friend after, that I'm very concerned about. If he doesn't show soon, I'll have to go without.