It was a rough day again today. A little better than before, but still not so great. It was a little cathartic, albeit painful. I don’t want to give a lot of details. I tried that once and I immediately regretted my decision and prayed for minimal views and quick deletion. I won’t make that mistake again. It’s nothing against you all, you’re very supportive – but my own conscious can’t seem to process this alone, but I can’t willingly burden others or open up like that again. But I will talk vaguely, because it bypasses my own filter and at least helps me some.

I will only say this to put something into context, as to why this is so painful and why I feel I’m being drug willingly through all of this. C (that will be the initial of my spouse) is from Mexico. We married 5 years ago, and while if we divorced it is possible C could stay in the country… she is afraid. I don’t want to hurt C. If you’ve read any of my posts before you know how hard I fought for an independent life and how I fought to have everything I have and own. To have a career, a marriage, a license, a car, a home, .. everything. … and how I lost it all. I have to rebuild from the rubble. I have to rise from the ashes and I just don’t know how to rewrite my life, or if I event want to do it again…. And I can’t force C to lose her life she has created .. not like I did. I lost my life through my own faults – C didn’t do anything and deserves to live a life of happiness. I won’t take that away from her.
The world is against me on this one. Everyone thinks (mind you, they don’t know the story, just the fact I am having to live with my mother and things are essentially over) I should divorce and cause her the same pain I’m going through. I just can’t be vengeful like that.

Despite having to live at home, having no job, a failed marriage and lots of emotional pain and bipolar to top it off.. it’s just been hell these last few months. I go back and forth between sorrow and anger and moments of peace, to almost happiness, to deep depression again. It’s part of why I don’t post anymore – I feel one way, and regret showing that side of me.

I guess I just figured if you’re going to keep me in your thoughts and/or your prayers – you might as well understand the circumstances aren’t ordinary. (It’s additive, anyone going through a divorce, a job loss, and all that will feel very similar. I’m not trying to make it sound special, just the circumstances add a lot to it). That’s all I got.
Just living in hell isn’t what I wanted for myself, but it’s where I am.

[Victoria'smom]

Brentus do you have the option of IOP?

[sadveiledbride]

Didn't wake up until late today, feeling very depressive and low.

Originally Posted by Miguel'smom

Brentus do you have the option of IOP?

I don't think so. I live in rural Kentucky and by a quick search the closest is 2.5 hours away, which I wouldn't have the money to drive to everyday or the money to stay up there. I don't have insurance right now and so I couldn't foot the bill anyway. Lastly, I'm not sure how much help it would really be. In a lot of ways I'm just grieving. The little I let out, I do find some solace in that. I think my best option is to just continue to work through it alone, and only express things here when I have trouble coming to terms alone.

[MsSunflower]

@Brentus I just want you to know that you're being way too hard on yourself. Everyone is here to share and offer support where they can. I honestly feel the only one judging you is yourself. I respect that it's hard to open up but you've not said anything to feel embarrassed about and I don't pity you, just hope for things to turn around for you. Hang in there man, we're all here for you when you're ready.

[yellow_fleurs]

I've been having a bit of a tough weekend mental health wise, but I am feeling better at coping and more self aware which is helping me navigate. I am in a situation where I feel like I have to make a decision regarding going to a wedding and that it will either hurt the bride or a close friend of mine. That's the short story, it's a bit more complicated. I moped about it a bit and was pretty hard on myself for feeling "two-faced" over the whole thing. I was the peacekeeper in a family with some issues and I think I have not yet learned how to deal well with interpersonal conflict such as this. So, maybe a topic for therapy. I have decided to dive head first into my issues in therapy in hopes of becoming a better person and finding a way to better navigate through life.

On a positive note, I was successful at eating healthy and socializing with friends last night. We had a game night which was a lot of fun. I could have just stayed inside but knew I needed to be around people and it did feel good. Hope everyone has a good week! I also have PT tomorrow. I am glad to be getting help for my joint issues.

[Sunflower123]

Originally Posted by bizi

@Jennifer 1967

Where are you going? sorry about your ankle...can you ice it?
(((((HUGS)))))
bizi

Thanks bizi. We usually go to Panama City Beach for two weeks but had to travel back up after a week for a wedding then travel back down for the second week. Ice is helping the ankle. Thanks for the hugs. ((((HUGS))))

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by Brentus

It was a rough day again today. A little better than before, but still not so great. It was a little cathartic, albeit painful. I don’t want to give a lot of details. I tried that once and I immediately regretted my decision and prayed for minimal views and quick deletion. I won’t make that mistake again. It’s nothing against you all, you’re very supportive – but my own conscious can’t seem to process this alone, but I can’t willingly burden others or open up like that again. But I will talk vaguely, because it bypasses my own filter and at least helps me some.

I will only say this to put something into context, as to why this is so painful and why I feel I’m being drug willingly through all of this. C (that will be the initial of my spouse) is from Mexico. We married 5 years ago, and while if we divorced it is possible C could stay in the country… she is afraid. I don’t want to hurt C. If you’ve read any of my posts before you know how hard I fought for an independent life and how I fought to have everything I have and own. To have a career, a marriage, a license, a car, a home, .. everything. … and how I lost it all. I have to rebuild from the rubble. I have to rise from the ashes and I just don’t know how to rewrite my life, or if I event want to do it again…. And I can’t force C to lose her life she has created .. not like I did. I lost my life through my own faults – C didn’t do anything and deserves to live a life of happiness. I won’t take that away from her.
The world is against me on this one. Everyone thinks (mind you, they don’t know the story, just the fact I am having to live with my mother and things are essentially over) I should divorce and cause her the same pain I’m going through. I just can’t be vengeful like that.

Despite having to live at home, having no job, a failed marriage and lots of emotional pain and bipolar to top it off.. it’s just been hell these last few months. I go back and forth between sorrow and anger and moments of peace, to almost happiness, to deep depression again. It’s part of why I don’t post anymore – I feel one way, and regret showing that side of me.

I guess I just figured if you’re going to keep me in your thoughts and/or your prayers – you might as well understand the circumstances aren’t ordinary. (It’s additive, anyone going through a divorce, a job loss, and all that will feel very similar. I’m not trying to make it sound special, just the circumstances add a lot to it). That’s all I got.
Just living in hell isn’t what I wanted for myself, but it’s where I am.

Hey , I’m sorry your so down and beating up on yourself. There is no need for details, your whole life got turned upside down. How your feeling is very understandable. I hope you have a T that you can see that will help you process all the changes in your life and how will be best for your moving forward. Everyone needs a helping hand in life. Keep posting whatever your comfortable sharing.

Bipolar cycles , the one consistent thing the bytch does , you will come out the other side

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by sadveiledbride

Didn't wake up until late today, feeling very depressive and low.

Do any coping skills help when your feeling like this ?

[sadveiledbride]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

Do any coping skills help when your feeling like this ?

Yes, I do... am feeling a bit better now. Thank you for the reply, Christina.

[bizi]

Originally Posted by sadveiledbride

Didn't wake up until late today, feeling very depressive and low.

@sadveiledbride
I am sorry you are very depressed right now.
what coping skills have you tried?
(((((hugs))))
bizi

[sadveiledbride]

Originally Posted by bizi

@sadveiledbride
I am sorry you are very depressed right now.
what coping skills have you tried?
(((((hugs))))
bizi

hi, I've tried to interact with people today and do something positive to express my pain, like journaling.

[Scooter9]

After 19 days on Wellbutrin I think it's starting to work. I feel less withdrawn, less insecure and my body pains from the depression have reduced by about 70%. I'm not out of the woods yet but it looks like there's a path.

My eldest son came back again for a visit! He surprised his mother last month by showing up for mother's day and now he'll be here for father's day! He's also here to support the Raptors basketball team for the finals games.

It took him 30 hours this time due to delays on the way.

This has gone through my mind a bit lately, but today it really hit me. I have felt better and more stable these past few weeks than I have for years. Several years! I have a really good amount of energy so have been more physically active than I can remember. When I am not doing much, I get this feeling like "BirdDancer, let's do something now!" And then I do it, and I'm enjoying it. In fact, I'm enjoying a lot of things most of the time. But it's not a euphoric type enjoyment. I truly am stable and grounded. I feel more confident about adding more activities to my days. With the decrease of my Seroquel XR from 600 mg to 500 mg, my appetite has reduced enough that I'd call my current Seroquel XR dose "weight neutral" again. This is the fifth day of a strict diet, and I have done great and am actually enjoying the meal planning and food tracking. And the food. I'm even meal planning for my husband. My self-care activities have increased. When I see my therapist tomorrow and she asks how I've been/am, I really can't say anything other than "Truly very good and balanced!" These past weeks my "reports" have been pretty good, as well.

It was kind of odd, as my Seroquel XR dose went down, I was actually sleeping a little more than usual (10 hours per night). I believe I mentioned that here and attributed it to my increased activity, just plain tuckering me out by the end of the day. My sleep length has normalized a bit in the last few days, but "normal" is 8 to 9 hours, and the sleep is very sweet and restorative. I'm ready to go soon after I wake up.

So I guess it may be time for me to add on another activity to my life and see how it goes. I will continue the French classes, and will try to add some more writing in my days. I also want to add one more social event each week.

I see my psychiatrist in two weeks, then he's away for most of six weeks. I believe I'll do well during that period. My therapist said that if something does happen during that period, that she would see me more than usual. She's great! I actually see her every Tuesday, so more than that would likely only happen if a major change happens. I hope not! I think it's accurate for me to say, that she is the best therapist (for me) that I have ever had in my entire 15 years of seeing therapists. I feel like, with her, I could finally reach some bigger goals. I'm very fortunate right now.

[Moose72]

Im waiting at Starbucks for Molly. We only will have about an hour as she has a drs appointment today.

I got up late today- 10:00! I should get my butt up and EMBRACE the day! I feel like a slug if I don't.

I found a book at Barnes n Noble called "Haldol and Hyacinths: A Bipolar Life". Its all pretty fa.iliar but her life circumstances are different than mine. Plus, she's a lawyer- I have few skills like that- life-long skills- except singing and I'm failing at that since my vocal cords went bad (one doesn't work).

[Blueberrybook]

Tired this afternoon. Nauseous, God knows the list of reasons I may have nausea is endless. I am finally starting to get a little color back to my skin after having iron infusions, and I have noticed my fingernails seem to be tearing/flaking/breaking off a bit less. I don’t always have to use a butter knife to open a can of soda or the tab on cat food cans, only about half the time, maybe a little less, instead of all the time. And thank God. That sort of brittle fingernail/cut cuticles (super slow to heal), tears into the quick under the fingernail is so painful. Sometimes I would wake at night because it hurt so much.

I’m still off and on am cold. I shouldn’t be in our house as we keep it 75 degrees, but it tends to be a little warmer because of being older and not having great insulation. Sometimes, I get hot flushes, and I hope that is from the iron and not hot flashes as I am a bit young for that. I am still waiting on an energy improvement. I have orders for a CBC around the 4th of July.

Mood as mixed as ever. I see the T tomorrow.

H got a bit of a job promotion. Still not a tenured professor as he’d wish though it seems he will achieve that probably within the next year or so. Right now, he also has duties to set up a new MakerSpace (equip it, train people, etc.). He is being given one of the keystone courses for graduation from his department to teach in the fall and the next spring, hopefully in the new MakerSpace. It probably means an inevitable move from La Porte (closer to Houston) to Beaumont as his commute is 1.5 hr each way, though IDK, if he worked in the Houston medical center, he’d probably have a similar commute time, just more stop and go traffic than he deals with right now. We’d have to be able to afford to move first, and just now, we cannot.

[Blue_Bird]

Didn't get enough sleep last night, maybe 4 1/2 to 5 hours. I woke up at 3 in the morning and have been up since. Maybe I'll get some rest tonight. I'm not sure though, I'm stressed about a few things going on right now

Originally Posted by Moose72

Im waiting at Starbucks for Molly. We only will have about an hour as she has a drs appointment today.

I got up late today- 10:00! I should get my butt up and EMBRACE the day! I feel like a slug if I don't.

I found a book at Barnes n Noble called "Haldol and Hyacinths: A Bipolar Life". Its all pretty fa.iliar but her life circumstances are different than mine. Plus, she's a lawyer- I have few skills like that- life-long skills- except singing and I'm failing at that since my vocal cords went bad (one doesn't work).

Hi Moose. Did you like that book? I own that book, but only ever really skimmed it. If you liked it, I'll try to get myself to read it properly. I like Melody Moezzi. I've actually heard her speak, in person, in New York City. She's likeable. I also often read her columns in Bp Magazine, and have seen a couple of her YouTube videos.

Blueberrybook, I hope you feel better soon and that your husband gets his tenure quickly.

Umm, I really am not hypomanic, but confess that I spent a lot of money a little while ago. I meant to just go to Whole Foods for some nice mushrooms (and a "few" other things), but it turned into me also going to Marshall's and spending almost $300 there. Almost $100 was for gifts and a card for my dad, for Father's Day, but the rest was for me only , save a jar of pasta sauce. I needed a new pocketbook and wallet. They aren't cheap, but the prices at Marshall's are quite discounted. And I bought a few pretty blouses, and a couple basic bras, a camisole, and a sports bra and exercise shirt. I was looking at dresses, but didn't find one that looked nice enough. The blouses are really pretty. I guess I was rewarding myself a little for starting a diet.

[hopeless2015]

Had pdoc this morning. Going to add a low dose of luvox to the mix and I go back in August. I tend to hold things in and give off the impression that all is well when it's not but I bit the bullet and let some **** fly with my pdoc. Will see how this goes. He gave me a recommendation for a therapist and strongly advised I start back up with therapy.

Hugs to all

[Moose72]

Hi Moose. Did you like that book? I own that book, but only ever really skimmed it. If you liked it, I'll try to get myself to read it properly. I like Melody Moezzi. I've actually heard her speak, in person, in New York City. She's likeable. I also often read her columns in Bp Magazine, and have seen a couple of her YouTube videos.

I just started the book. It all seems very familiar- lol- yet she has had a different life than I have so its still interesting. I kept putting it down then picking up and reading some random page- thats why I ended up buying it.

[Moose72]

Im on my mom's couch laying next to the window feeling the breeze and listening to the birds, the breeze blowing the leaves in the trees around, and dogs barking. There is no oven or sink here anymore- they are redoing the kitchen and downstairs bathroom. I think its gonna be sweet when its finished. Right now there are new lights but the floors and walls are gone- lots more to be done.

[xRavenx]

Yesterday, I saw a town home that I fell in love with. For the past few years, I've been living with family for most part, so it is a big step for me to buy a place of my own. This is all happening so fast, but I made an offer. Someone else made the owners an offer too, but they decided to accept mine. So they are sending me the contract, and I'm going through the process. This is my first time being a home owner. Just recently, I felt really down, but I was thinking that this might be a change that is needed in order to give me more of a sense of purpose. I have been in a rut, but I look forward to having something I can call my own. There's so much stress though. I need to keep up with my job, while getting in more documents, having the place inspected, closing, etc. Luckily, I have someone to guide me though, so I am so thankful for that.

One downside: my new health insurance does not cover my Psychiatrist. Now, I am going to be tight on cash, and she is pretty expensive, but I'll make it work. She's the one doctor I trust, who has helped me through so much. I am going to try to see her less often (if I am able to do so) and get refills on my meds to avoid spending so much money. I think adding on Latuda might have helped me, although I still get some highs and lows. I am hoping I am actually well and not becoming hypo. So far, I think I'm functioning a bit better, although my anxiety is still high. Clonazepam is providing some relief though.

Hugs to all.

[sadveiledbride]

I feel very awful. Worthless, useless, depressive, sad and I feel like life is one big ball of disappointment.

Originally Posted by xRavenx

Yesterday, I saw a town home that I fell in love with. For the past few years, I've been living with family for most part, so it is a big step for me to buy a place of my own. This is all happening so fast, but I made an offer. Someone else made the owners an offer too, but they decided to accept mine. So they are sending me the contract, and I'm going through the process. This is my first time being a home owner. Just recently, I felt really down, but I was thinking that this might be a change that is needed in order to give me more of a sense of purpose. I have been in a rut, but I look forward to having something I can call my own. There's so much stress though. I need to keep up with my job, while getting in more documents, having the place inspected, closing, etc. Luckily, I have someone to guide me though, so I am so thankful for that.

One downside: my new health insurance does not cover my Psychiatrist. Now, I am going to be tight on cash, and she is pretty expensive, but I'll make it work. She's the one doctor I trust, who has helped me through so much. I am going to try to see her less often (if I am able to do so) and get refills on my meds to avoid spending so much money. I think adding on Latuda might have helped me, although I still get some highs and lows. I am hoping I am actually well and not becoming hypo. So far, I think I'm functioning a bit better, although my anxiety is still high. Clonazepam is providing some relief though.

Hugs to all.

That is so exciting, xRavenx!! Nothing like a fresh space... And of your very own!

I'm sorry your insurance doesn't cover your pdoc.

I'm hoping you're well too. It's natural to get excited with something new. I kind of thought similarly when I got done with my exBF and moved into my own space. (A no drama space!), but my T and pdoc both agreed that it was natural to feel a bit "high" in such a situation, and not indicative of hypo. It is SUCH a better situation and has really helped my stability immensely. So I hope the same for you.

[xRavenx]

Thank you, Innerzone! I'm glad to hear that your situation helped you with your stability.

Yes, I do feel that high level of anxiety, but the excited kind! Since I'm already an anxious person already, it is intensified by all the steps I need to take to go through the process of moving into the new place. But I'll just try to stay positive. I am hoping work doesn't drive me crazy, because my job is new too. So there's a lot of changes at once!!! Working and trying to do all of this is challenging, but I'll just have to take it one step at a time.