I have anxiety today. Part of the reason is because I have left my French studies to the last minute. And yet, I still don't want to do it. I feel like a cat being forced into a bathtub of water.

Speaking of baths, I have not showered for many days. I have even neglected my teeth, at times. My moods have been up and down. Mostly up, and yet that still makes me neglect things while I'm doing other things with fervor.

I should shower. Tonight we're going to a concert. Part of me wants to go and another doesn't.

[fern46]

Originally Posted by BirdDancer

I have anxiety today. Part of the reason is because I have left my French studies to the last minute. And yet, I still don't want to do it. I feel like a cat being forced into a bathtub of water.

Speaking of baths, I have not showered for many days. I have even neglected my teeth, at times. My moods have been up and down. Mostly up, and yet that still makes me neglect things while I'm doing other things with fervor.

I should shower. Tonight we're going to a concert. Part of me wants to go and another doesn't.

Just jump in and go for it. The water can be so refreshing for your mood. I feel like it washes away the bad energy along with the grime. Do it even if you don't go to the concert. Fresh clothes help too. Same for brushing your teeth. I always feel better after both are done.

Hugs, and good luck on your French prep work.

drank more than i intended and ate more than i intended and its not even noon

Originally Posted by fern46

Just jump in and go for it. The water can be so refreshing for your mood. I feel like it washes away the bad energy along with the grime. Do it even if you don't go to the concert. Fresh clothes help too. Same for brushing your teeth. I always feel better after both are done.

Hugs, and good luck on your French prep work.

Thanks, fern46! I did finally shower. I didn't wash my hair, but I managed to make it look good. I also did some French studies, but I have way too much to do.

[fern46]

Originally Posted by BirdDancer

Thanks, fern46! I did finally shower. I didn't wash my hair, but I managed to make it look good. I also did some French studies, but I have way too much to do.

Good for you! Sounds like you are making headway. Sometimes the tiny steps are the hardest to take.

[fern46]

I saw my pdoc today. I go to a practice with several docs and I saw someone new today. I felt like she was just rushing me along, but it went ok. I asked her about my diagnosis and she said she also isn't sure I'm bipolar. She said the only thing she can diagnose me with is brief reactive psychosis. She said she doesn't see any indication that I have a mood disorder, but we need to give it more time to be sure. She noted that the lowest dose possible of Geodon is working and I may be able to come off of meds altogether in the future. For now, she's keeping my meds as-is and I go back in a month.

I don't like not knowing what caused my episode or if it will come back. I'm not huge into labels, but I feel a little lost. I hope its ok if I stick around here while I wait. I resonate with a lot of what is discussed and it may turn out I am bipolar. You guys are awesome.

[Wander]

Feeling alone. The PTSD is really doing my head in. When I had psychosis earlier this year my main delusion was that those in authority over me (especially mental health professionals) were conspiring to manipulate and control me. Now my flashbacks are showing me that throughout my whole life, including my own parents, those in authority over me have misused or abused me so no wonder I had that delusion. Why it is all coming up now is uncertain but my T said my brain must be ready for it, or at least trying to show me something.

Problem is I don't feel ready and now I am fearful of everybody in my life. I am beginning to not trust those who love me. I am very afraid. I don't know who to talk to but of all the people in my life thankfully I still trust my T, at least to a certain degree. I spent time with my parents yesterday and it was extremely difficult. They failed me in a monumental way as a child and as an adult. Now I feel it I find it difficult to be around them. They are my main support so it makes it hard.

I am also terrified another Bipolar episode is around the corner but it is difficult to tell as my symptoms could be just from the PTSD (little sleep, racing thoughts, outbursts of rage). I want to escape this, to shut the PTSD down and feel safe again. I want to be stable and get on with my life. I am doing all I can to deal with this but wonder how much control I really have. Twenty years ago severe PTSD hit me in the same way. It led me into hell for years. As I had no treatment back then it is no surprise it is coming back, needing to be dealt with, but why now, I don't know. At least I have a great T and pdoc this time. Hopefully I can avoid losing my mind again, and more importantly, stay alive.

Also, on top of this my stomach problems are just as bad as when I went to ER. As it is thought to be a trauma reaction there is little I can do outside take some meds, exercise and destress, which I was already doing. I hate having my diet so limited but I guess I am going to just have to deal with it for a while. I still have hope for myself in all of this.

[Moose72]

In bed. The maintenance guy came over right away this evening. There is a hole in the ceiling downstairs and a big stain around it. He's coming by in the morning to actually fix it. But the house is a mess because mania = too scatter-brained to do junk like "clean"...

leaving the site because my computer keeps recognizing it as a threat and it's getting annoying. Bye guys,

[BeyondtheRainbow]

spikes are you sure it's not just from the change-over? Could you post in the community feedback/help forum before you go to see if there is an easy fix?

[yellow_fleurs]

Originally Posted by fern46

I saw my pdoc today. I go to a practice with several docs and I saw someone new today. I felt like she was just rushing me along, but it went ok. I asked her about my diagnosis and she said she also isn't sure I'm bipolar. She said the only thing she can diagnose me with is brief reactive psychosis. She said she doesn't see any indication that I have a mood disorder, but we need to give it more time to be sure. She noted that the lowest dose possible of Geodon is working and I may be able to come off of meds altogether in the future. For now, she's keeping my meds as-is and I go back in a month.

I don't like not knowing what caused my episode or if it will come back. I'm not huge into labels, but I feel a little lost. I hope its ok if I stick around here while I wait. I resonate with a lot of what is discussed and it may turn out I am bipolar. You guys are awesome.

Fern, although our situations may be different I completely relate to wanting to know what caused your episode and feeling lost without being sure of the label. I feel like I have no idea what really is wrong with my brain, yet some combo of mood, anxiety, mild paranoia and obsessive/compulsive type thoughts are mixing on and off. May or may not be bipolar, OCD, something else. Does your treatment plan seem to be helping for the time being? Hoping you get the answers and help you need. Also, please don't feel you have to leave due to the uncertain diagnosis, we like having you here.

I haven't been going to Scrabble club lately because of my depression. Today i woke up to a message from a woman who said she misses me and asking me to go for coffee! Then minutes later i got a message from another guy inviting me to two tournaments and saying he hoped i'm well. I feel popular today and so pleased that people are noticing i'm gone and care enough to message me. I'm not gonna take either of them up on their offers but i feel so flattered that they thought of me! It was very thoughtful of them!

[Sunflower123]

Checking in. I’m doing okay. I am going through a period of breakthroughs in regards to my depression and anxiety. I’m grateful and ready to move forward.

I asked my pdoc several times about my memory problems at the age of 51. He always said once we got my mood stable then we’d address it. I listened to a talk last night based on research from neuroscientists that chronic stress, anxiety, panic and fear can damage the hippocampus where memories are stored. It can make the memories very difficult to access. Finally, an answer! I’m going to research further on how to stop the decline and reverse the damage that I can. My short term memory is great. Long term is sometimes sketchy. It really helped my daughter feel better because I couldn’t remember special events and that hurt her.

My daughter comes home Tuesday for the summer (I’ve probably already mentioned that). Counting down the days. Working hard to get everything ready.

Warm wishes and hugs to all.

[fern46]

Originally Posted by yellow_fleurs

Fern, although our situations may be different I completely relate to wanting to know what caused your episode and feeling lost without being sure of the label. I feel like I have no idea what really is wrong with my brain, yet some combo of mood, anxiety, mild paranoia and obsessive/compulsive type thoughts are mixing on and off. May or may not be bipolar, OCD, something else. Does your treatment plan seem to be helping for the time being? Hoping you get the answers and help you need. Also, please don't feel you have to leave due to the uncertain diagnosis, we like having you here.

Thanks for this. It helps. It just feels scary not to know why. I'm sorry you're in the same boat, but it is nice to have kind people along for the journey.

Yes, the treatment is helping and has kept me stable for almost 6 months. I am happy with the results. I have found CBT to ve very helpful and the antipsychotics helped pull me out of my episode very quickly.

[lightly toasted]

I had a pretty good day today. This is the closest I've felt to normal in several years. Worked for hours on getting the bedroom clean, it was pretty gross after years of neglect. I'm embarrassed to say this, but I found black mould on the wall behind my dresser. I was only expecting a lot of dust bunnies, maybe some spider webs, but yikes! It's all scrubbed clean now, and I've rearranged the furniture so that corner stays unobstructed and ventilated. I got rid of an old headboard and an elliptical that was just collecting dust and a bunch of old worn out clothes that I was not wearing. Now, I just need to tackle laundry mountain, but it's all sorted and bagged and ready to go.

Tired and a bit sore, but gosh, it feels good to have done a full day's work. I had a swivel arm chair that belonged to a much loved kitty that passed away 4 years ago, and I had it set out for removal, but I just broke down and cried when the time came. I don't have the space for it, and her sister my other kitty never uses it, but I'm just not ready to part with it

[BeyondtheRainbow]

I fell down a flight of stairs this afternoon. I'm very fortunate that nothing is broken but I'm very sore already so tomorrow is going to be fun. I'm not even sure what happened; I was walking and then falling face-first while trying to twist around to protect my head. I did at least succeed in that and I have an ankle that was surgically reconstructed 5 years ago and it is only slightly sprained which is a huge blessing. But I hurt from my shoulders to my toes. It even hurts to breath from sore muscles.

I guess my life was too boring?

[Sunflower123]

Originally Posted by BeyondtheRainbow

I fell down a flight of stairs this afternoon. I'm very fortunate that nothing is broken but I'm very sore already so tomorrow is going to be fun. I'm not even sure what happened; I was walking and then falling face-first while trying to twist around to protect my head. I did at least succeed in that and I have an ankle that was surgically reconstructed 5 years ago and it is only slightly sprained which is a huge blessing. But I hurt from my shoulders to my toes. It even hurts to breath from sore muscles.

I guess my life was too boring?

Yikes! I’m sorry you are hurting. Glad you didn’t break anything. I hope you feel better soon.

[MsSunflower]

I had a really nice day once I was able to get out of bed. I went to an arts and crafts night at my local library. I've never been to one on my own and I was having so much anxiety about it but it turned out fine. Met some nice people and made some questionable art lol Also it was a nice day so I walked there and back. Over an hour of exercise that I really needed!

I didn't take my meds last night. f*** me. I fell asleep this time (I intended to take a nap), so it was a complete accident. (Slept from 4pm to 4am.) But oddly enough, my concentration and mood are soooo much better today and the day hasn't even begun yet. I don't know which med is the culprit, but I'm thinking it's the lamictal.

I'm going to use this improved concentration to my advantage -- I'm going to be REALLY productive at work today and get s*** done. I'm motivated to do something... for once. I need to take my meds tonight, though. As much as I'm feeling better NOW, I know I won't feel better in a few days of being off my meds, so I have to keep taking them. I'm trying really hard to be compliant, but I totally f***ed up last night.

I hadn't missed a dose since April 2nd... so, basically 4 weeks. I think the most I've gone without missing a dose is 6 weeks, and that was when I first started meds in 2015. Again, my mood is good (i.e., not depressed), but I feel like a total failure right now. I was hoping I'd break my personal 6-week record.

[downandlonely]

@bluebicycle don't beat yourself up too much. We all miss a dose now and then.

spikes, we'd be sad to see you leave, but I can understand your concern. If you're willing, maybe BeyondtheRainbow's suggestion would help resolve your issue with PC.

My husband and I went to see a string quartet performance last night. The performers didn't do the pieces justice. We are spoiled. We're lucky to often see some of the best classical music musicians in the world. It becomes clear when you hear "less than great" performances.

I didn't take my evening meds until late last night. That has made my morning difficult. I was tired last night even before taking them last night. I fell asleep quickly. I had taken "as needed" Seroquel yesterday afternoon. That may have factored into it.

[Scooter9]

I saying to myself "it's just the depression" when I feel my body pains, when I'm feeling withdrawn, when I feel worthless.

In my mind, I recognize these as distortions: thoughts that project the present far into the imagined future.

The thing with distortions is that they seem so real. I know they're not real but they feel so real that they affect how I relate to myself and others.

I don't have a solution other than trying to change how I relate to those distortions by focusing on the moment, by reminding myself that it'll pass, and simply accepting this as part of my life. But it's a slow process.

I've been depressed for 18 months now and wish things could be different. It started when I had to stop Lamictal suddenly due to a bad reaction and things haven't been the same since.

My pdoc is willing to add meds. I might just try them to maybe have a better summer this year.

I was forced to cancel my French class again. Another time there was a mix up. I'm very embarrassed and disappointed that I'm struggling to get this endeavor going reliably. I even offered that the instructor keep the money for today, despite my cancellation. I just asked my husband to call them, too. I can't even do that. I feel so upset and unwell that I'm nauseous.

I'm afraid that I may not make it to my 30th high school reunion tomorrow. The event is from about 10 am to after lunch. It takes about 50 mins to drive there. I bought a pretty dress for it.

[xRavenx]

Really depressed lately. I feel like I should be doing different things, but I just can't. I see my pdoc tomorrow, but generally feel like nobody is able to help me. I have a hard time putting my feelings into words. Each day is a struggle. I'm also really irritable and have to take my PRN meds more often. I just don't know what I am doing in this life. It makes me want to give up, but I know I need to keep trying. I'm just not ready, lost interest in most things, and feel more dead than alive. Just had to vent.