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  #51  
Old May 03, 2019, 03:15 PM
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wildflowerchild25 wildflowerchild25 is offline
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I started work on Wednesday. Turns out they filled my position when I was gone because HR never communicated that I was coming back. So the principal is looking for a position for me but I don’t know if he will find one. So my job is kind of up in the air. I’m nervous. I can’t lose my job now. RS and I applied for a rental house. We definitely want to move in together. If I lose my job we won’t be able to until I find a new one. Which who knows how long that could take.

So yes, RS and I found a house we like. It’s a little bit more expensive than we were going for but I think we can do it if he doesn’t pay as much on his credit cards. I’m also hopefully getting a second job. It’s a tutoring position so it wouldn’t be very many hours but it’s enough to pull in an extra $200 a month. So that would help.

I start my master’s classes on Tuesday. I’m still nervous about taking two classes at once. I’m good at school but It gives me anxiety. I almost couldn’t get my textbook for the one on time. I ended up being able to rent an ebook so I got it immediately. That’s good because I didn’t want to fail the first quiz and discussion questions because I didn’t have the book.

My back hurt a lot this morning but I took Advil and it went away. I think it’s just from being on my feet again all of a sudden. I hope I haven’t reinjured it. The dr said my pain wouldn’t be cured 100% so I’m sure it’s fine.

Otherwise I’m moving along. Hugs to all who need them
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Of course it is happening inside your head. But why on earth should that mean that it is not real?
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That’s life. If nothing else, that is life. It’s real. Sometimes it
f—-ing hurts. But it’s sort of all we have.
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  #52  
Old May 03, 2019, 03:46 PM
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Steady as she goes.
I got a hold of myself.

I've have reached the metalic age.
My hair is silver, my teeth are gold
and my balls are lead.

What's there to worry about.
Worry is a waste of time
that I don't have much left.

Cheers.
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If lemons fall from the sky, make lemonade. Unknown.
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You are the slave of what you say,
and the master of what you keep. Unknown.
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  #53  
Old May 03, 2019, 04:19 PM
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I'm doing fine. I lost another pound. I feel ok. I did a load of laundry then sifted through my other clothes to wash tomorrow. I walked last night and the day before. I am at my parents' house and am waiting for dinner. I am still interested in becoming a real estate agent. I am beginning to see reality for what it is. I was psychotic before and my imagination was taking over my reality at times. I think the shot is doing me well. I will continue with the shots. I have a tendency to forget about taking my medication. The shots are convenient and allow me to focus on other things. I will be ok.
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  #54  
Old May 03, 2019, 04:29 PM
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Still manic. Hate seroquel- getting achey breasts/milk?- am exhausted by it but I feel less bouncy and cheerful than before seroquel but i cant get past the other stuff. Brain hears what they are saying but doesn't care. Feeling like pleasure-seeking still and going to go do that actually. At a loss for what else to relay...
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  #55  
Old May 03, 2019, 04:45 PM
yellow_fleurs yellow_fleurs is offline
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All my labs came back normal. Of course I am quite relieved none of the autoimmune diseases showed up positive and yet I am still clearly unwell and it leaves me again without an answer. My rheumatologist told me it's likely not rheumatic at all. My therapist was telling me I am anxious about what it could be, which is true, but it's more than just anxiety. These symptoms have had a serious impact on my quality of life, and has not been mild, so I'm not just like "what if" something is wrong with me, it's like please someone diagnose and help me! So my medical and psych issues are all up in the air and confusing.
I put this in a separate post, but my therapist also recommended I see a psychologist for testing, since I keep mentioning cognitive issues. I kind of don't know if I want to do that or not, but will think about it. She also asked me if I had considered IOP after I mentioned I still had some concerning thoughts although they are much improved from last year. It's interesting that it was mentioned now because I am functioning much better than in the past, although probably if she was my therapist when I was more unstable she would have recommended it then, too. I said I really think it not needed right now, I mean my work and regular schedule helps keep me stable and not sure there would be a benefit to missing that for IOP.
My garden is already growing things. I am planning to work on that and exercise this weekend. Hope everyone has a great weekend.
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  #56  
Old May 03, 2019, 07:18 PM
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Well I'm still pretty low. I was supposed to go to my nephews concert tonight, but that didn't end up happening, so it was another day in bed. I'm so sick of this, but I can't motivate myself to get up and do anything. I just want to sleep the day away, but I can't even do that. I'm wide awake staring at the ceiling. I just want to fast forward to when I'm over this. I found a couple of restoril pills at the bottom of my drawer in my nightstand and I desperately want to take one because I know I will get a lot of sleep. But they're expired (two years old), so I can't. There is nothing to look forward to, there is nothing for me to do (except cut the grass, eww), I just exist. All I'm doing is putting on weight from all the eating and sleeping. I feel so alone.
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  #57  
Old May 03, 2019, 08:44 PM
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Wander Wander is offline
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Hi Jennifer, how are you feeling after your fall. Thinking of you.
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  #58  
Old May 03, 2019, 08:56 PM
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Actually slept 7 hours straight last night. Most likely to my physically busy day yesterday. I went through every drawer, shelf in my flat and organised everything, then cleaned my flat. After that I went for a long swim. I was exhausted after so no hypomania here, just feeling motivated. Last night I rested in front of the TV watching Homeland. Asleep by 10.30 pm.

The PTSD was calmer yesterday but perhaps that is why I kept myself so busy. Feeling good this morning. Off to see my Mum, sister, nephews and nieces. Then a swim or long walk. I will be lonely after that. Maybe I will ask my partner to come over. I don’t like being alone right now. I get paranoid.
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  #59  
Old May 03, 2019, 09:41 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Wander View Post
Hi Jennifer, how are you feeling after your fall. Thinking of you.
Thanks for asking. I'm very, very sore from head to toe but I'm very, very grateful I did not break any bones. Not sure how I did that. One arm alone appears to have hit multiple times and I'm always at risk for a broken ankle or ruptured tendons/ligaments in that ankle. Both are ok. I'm taking meds round the clock and I slept a lot of today because I was sore and was up in the night. Hoping tomorrow will be better. I've been doing so much better at walking daily and now I'm on a break which is frustrating but it could be so much worse.
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  #60  
Old May 03, 2019, 11:03 PM
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Hi all, I hope you all are are doing well; sorry for not updating yesterday, I got on pretty late and just didn't have time to type an update so you guys get both Thursday's and Friday's update.

Thursday I had a work meeting which was a little stressful but work wasn't all that bad Thursday. Thursday after work M wanted to have a date night; so we went out to eat and just enjoyed our time together; besides I know he's probably starting to feel trapped and I know he's bored out of his mind.

Today was probably the best day of the week in terms of work stress, plus I got a lot of stuff done so I'm feeling pretty good about it.

I left work early so I could see my Cardiologist for my biweekly follow up. Which are oodles of fun; like so much fun. The visit went fine; both blood pressure and heart rate were high; but he's not changing my medication this time and I know I had a bad work week so that could have been a contributing factor. Still he wants to see me again in two weeks.

Day 7 of just being on an antidepressant and I am feeling pretty good. No side effects; clear brain. I am hoping this works for me.

Hugs to everyone
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  #61  
Old May 04, 2019, 04:04 AM
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Havent slept a wink and its 5 am here. Keep replaying "Office Space" infinitely...
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  #62  
Old May 04, 2019, 10:59 AM
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wildflowerchild25 wildflowerchild25 is offline
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I woke up out of sorts. Probably from a dream I had. I was back in a math classroom but I was with my old principal, the one who fired me. I had all the same feelings I did last year. I wanted to SH in the dream but I didn’t. There were other things that happened like it was like I was back in school and I couldn’t find my locker and when I did find it I couldn’t figure out the combination so I was freaking out. It was an all around unpleasant dream.m

I also woke up freaked out about starting my master’s classes. I am worried I can’t do them. But that’s not really what I’m worried about. I’m worried there’s no point because I won’t be able to be a teacher anyway. I’m worried that I’m going through all this for nothing. I mean even when I was at my old school for four years every year I went out on extended leave because of depression and/or mania. And the first year I’m stable and teaching I get fired anyway. I just don’t know if I can do it. But I can’t make 21000 a year for the rest of my life. RS and I want to buy a house eventually. How can we save for a house if I’m barely making enough for myself?

I don’t know. I’m just worried. I guess I shouldn’t worry so much about what COULD be in the future.

I did lose two pounds so that brightened my day lol.
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Of course it is happening inside your head. But why on earth should that mean that it is not real?
-Albus Dumbledore

That’s life. If nothing else, that is life. It’s real. Sometimes it
f—-ing hurts. But it’s sort of all we have.
-Garden State
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  #63  
Old May 04, 2019, 11:00 AM
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Sorry you're so worried @wildflowerchild25
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  #64  
Old May 04, 2019, 11:59 AM
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Weekends are tough. To make things worse, my poor kitty was sick this morning. I think it was just a case of she bolted her food, and there was a bit of a hair in the sick-up too. So before I could have a glass of water or a cup of tea, I was down on the floor scrubbing kitty barf out of the carpet. Because cat's will always choose carpet. I'm okay with all that, I was more worried about her. Poor girl. I got everything cleaned up, and cleaned and changed her litter pans, then I opened the bedroom window, so she could sit on her tree and enjoy some fresh air, which she did.

She came out the living room an hour later, she wanted a bit of a cuddle, and looked a bit more bright eyed, so I think she'll be okay. She's gone in the bedroom closet for a deep nap now. But my poor little heart is still fluttering, and my stomach's still feeling a bit anxiety butterfly-ish. Nothing sends me into an internal panic like worrying my cat is not okay. It gave me the motivation to book her in for a check up with the Vet for next week, she's overdue.

I did manage to get a fair bit of laundry done yesterday, got that old arm chair cleaned up and found a home for it in the bedroom. I wanted to do a lot more, but I just ran out of steam. Today I just feel spent, and it's not even 10 am.

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  #65  
Old May 04, 2019, 12:05 PM
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Not sleeping well still. Got maintenance coming today to fix our ceiling where the toilet seal leaking through from upstairs. They said they'd call before they came- I THINK. My memory isn't always that great on meds.
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  #66  
Old May 04, 2019, 04:47 PM
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I woke up at about 5 am this morning feeling very well. Unlike usual Saturdays, I prepared breakfast early at 6:30 am. Luckily my hubby didn't mind. Then after a bit of cuddling, I took a long and thorough shower and did lots of other beauty-related self care in preparation for my 30th high school reunion today. I have to say that my new dress is very pretty and spring-like. It's mainly blue with colorful flowers and a lovely cut. I also wore a pretty new pinkish color cardigan, since the dress is sleeveless. That was good to have, since it was raining for much of the morning. I got there at about 10 am, after a 50 min drive. To my joy, one of my better old high school friends showed up soon after. I spent most of the event with him. He was almost a bit of a comfort. He is one of the few high school friends I have kept in touch with over the years. He knows my full story.

The school is amazing! It's a private school in a bucolic area. They have made wonderful upgrades to the buildings and even built a number of new ones. It's a boarding school, though I was always a day student since I lived nearby. Two identical twin girl students gave me a private tour. They were charming! I asked them lots of questions, shared about the differences between now and when I attended, and told some funny stories. They both had lovely smiles, which showed both have big gaps between their front teeth. Having a gap between my front teeth, too, I gleefully announced "We're three gap-toothed girls!" They laughed. What was also cool was that when we entered a particular lounge, the school had a TV on with slides showing of old photos. One of the teachers I told them about popped up, so I exclaimed "There's Uncle Brucie!" They looked, and then...Can you believe that MY picture popped up?!?! I was like "OMG! That's me!" How funny and coincidental! The girls liked that. I was only 17 years old at the time.

There were about six people from my class there, but apparently a total of 10 had participated in the weekend events. My class size was only 25, so that's sort of a lot. The night before, the school had arranged a silent auction/dance and dinner party at a local fancy establishment in my childhood hometown. I would have liked the dancing, but I was not willing to pay the required $100 and be around a lot of people drinking. I can't drink much at all anymore. Plus, I would definitely not want to drive home late at night after such a shindig. Tonight there is supposed to be a cocktail party at another lovely place. The alumni director was urging me to go, but again, it's too late and too much drinking, and would have been too long of a day for me. I had seen everyone and everything I needed between 10 and 3 o'clock.

I was happy I saw at least one of my teachers from the past. I wondered if she would remember me. She did. She was sweet, and her eyes lit up when she saw me. She said "You look exactly the same as I remember!" I thanked her. I sort of did look about the youngest of us all. I am chunkier nowadays, but luckily my dress made me look thinner than I am. Obviously, I do have to dye my hair, but I don't have any wrinkles, except one I hide strategically with my bangs. She told me what she was up to. She said she has written over 30 children's books, and some plays. Yes, she was an English teacher. I told her that I was in two of her classes, but remember dropping out of her Creative Writing class. I told her that when I started the class and attempted the first assignment, I was at a total loss for what to write, and panicked. I was such a perfectionist back then, with huge expectations for myself. Creative writing had not been my forte. I was a dancer, and expressed myself creatively that way. But I announced that after 25 years, I found my creative voice. On my blog, I have written numerous prose poems, several stories, and creative reflections. There, I have described the dance and music that I now make with my fingers racing on my keyboard.

I doubt that I will ever go to another high school reunion. Three years from now, my husband and I may be living in Europe. I had never been to a reunion before today. It was a lovely journey through the past, and helped me understand better where I am now. My only sad moment was when I discovered my favorite tree on campus, a weeping willow, standing but almost dead. That picture of me that popped up on the TV, while with the twin gap-toothed girls, was of me sitting below that tree. It's indeed the end of an older era, but the beginning of a new one.

Last edited by Anonymous46341; May 04, 2019 at 08:02 PM.
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  #67  
Old May 04, 2019, 04:55 PM
Anonymous41462
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Way to go BirdDancer! You did it! Glad you had such a nice day. I can't imagine going to a reunion so i really admire you. Good for you!
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  #68  
Old May 04, 2019, 05:08 PM
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any one know about people who are following the non dualism training. I think it is a cult????
bizi
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  #69  
Old May 04, 2019, 05:11 PM
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Miguel’s gone, he’ll be back in Aug. He failed 2 of 3 of his classes. He took the SAT and doesn’t feel well about it. Hopefully this summer away will help. I broke down crying this morning. I explained to my husband that I don’t know which hurts more Miguel wanting
Possible trigger:
or my husband wanting that. It hurts I don’t believe him and there’s nothing he can do about it. I haven’t been sleeping well lately.
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  #70  
Old May 04, 2019, 05:24 PM
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Calm, productive day today. I’m almost done with my bedroom and I’ll start sleeping in there in the next night or two. No more getting up at 2-5 am for the dog. That will be so nice and probably help my energy levels tremendously. I have a diffuser to diffuse lavender oil and a medium sized fountain to go to sleep to. Both were gifts. I can’t wait!

Watching the Kentucky Derby with mom. I’m not much of a drinker but the mint juleps they are showing how to make look interesting. The horses are gorgeous and I love looking at the couture and fascinators.

My daughter’s birthday is the 6th, mine is the 10th and then Mom’s is the 15th so we have a big Mother’s celebration to celebrate all 4 events. In years past, I have been sad about my birthday and not wanted to celebrate but this year is different. I am looking forward to it thanks to my therapist. Working on special plans for Friday.

Warm wishes and hugs to all.
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  #71  
Old May 04, 2019, 05:25 PM
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Miguel'smom I am sorry you are feeling like that. Is there something making you think that that is how Miguel and your husband feel? I am sure they do not want that, even if things are difficult between you. Please stay safe.
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  #72  
Old May 04, 2019, 05:31 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Miguel'smom View Post
Miguel’s gone, he’ll be back in Aug. He failed 2 of 3 of his classes. He took the SAT and doesn’t feel well about it. Hopefully this summer away will help. I broke down crying this morning. I explained to my husband that I don’t know which hurts more Miguel wanting
Possible trigger:
or my husband wanting that. It hurts I don’t believe him and there’s nothing he can do about it. I haven’t been sleeping well lately.
Things may be difficult and strained and sometimes people say things while stressed. I believe they both love and need you very much. They may just be caught up in their own difficulties. Sending big hugs. Please stay safe.
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  #73  
Old May 04, 2019, 06:36 PM
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I'm doing great. I walked for two hours then ate two pieces of chocolate. Oh well. I think I consumed the calories I lost by walking. I feel fine though. I am waiting for dinner. Chicken drumsticks! I am happy.
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  #74  
Old May 04, 2019, 08:12 PM
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Woke up at about noon today and didn`t get out of bed until about one in the afternoon then ate something took my meds and went back to bed. I didn`t leave the house at all today. Although I suppose that`s like most days anyway. I don`t like to leave the house much. I just feel especially lonely and sad today.
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  #75  
Old May 04, 2019, 08:42 PM
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Today was a little better because I left the house. I went to one of my Buddhist gatherings, so that was uplifting and encouraging. But the day started out as it normally does...I woke up super late, took my morning meds and then went back to sleep. I didn't actually get up until 1p.m. After wasting time scrolling through social media I was ready to go back to sleep, but I forced myself to take a shower so I could go out. Baby steps.
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attentionThis is an old thread. You probably should not post your reply to it, as the original poster is unlikely to see it.




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My Support Forums

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Helplines and Lifelines

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