My summer

oh I am sorry. this sounds so stressful.
Do you have a therapist that you can bring in your hubby also?
bizi

We each have therapists we can see BUT they can only see us every 2-4 weeks based on their schedule. It usually closer to every 4 weeks. His next appointment with her is the 6th. He really likes his therapist so he's unwilling to change companies to see someone more often. I'm going to ask if he can make several appointments at a time so hopefully he is seen more.

Knowing it wasn't my crazy overthinking his behavior as being uncalled for is a relief.

So I'm doing better and I'm not withdrawn like I was with the zyprexa. Food-wise sucks, I'm not really getting better but I still have 4.5 wks on meds. I'm putting all Miguel's school stuff together so that he can apply in July to Universities. I've also decided to start a class in digital coloring it's online but it's a start. There's no way for me to monetize it later but it gets me started. My husband feels better.

I'm so glad things are improving for you.

Labs came back ALL my vitamins are deficient. My white blood cells are up and hemoglobin down. She wants a CT scan and I see her again in 2 weeks. I'm on massive iron and still the gastritis stuff. She fears internal bleeding. If I do not get my diet under control in 6 weeks I will be put on a massive multi-vitamin.

what is wrong with starting to take iron?hopefully you take a multi vitamin.
Do you eat red meat?
this has iron in it.
not sure about your eating.....
bizi

She wants me on 650 mg a day of iron. I don't take a multi vitamin. It's just more pills and I suck at taking pills. I don't eat red meat. I only eat a (1) boneless skinless chicken tender a day.

What about gummy vitamins, I think they make some adult versions? Even if you had to take more to meet the requirement at least it's not another pill. That's really the only way I can take multivitamins. Those things make me feel sick.

We asked about gummy or chewable and she told me I'd have to take 20, yes 20 a day for the same thing she's giving me. I would do that but I son't have that kind of money.

Yikes 20? Yeah that's a lot and they can be expensive. I hope that you are able to find something that works for you and improve your vitamin levels and with it your health.

So for the first time in at least a month I am NOT nauseous!!!

So I went to my last T appointment. I'm meeting my new T in a month and a half. I don't know if I can wait that long. I have lots of medical things going on and I'm on a lot of pill medications. I'm not good at taking medication especially without consistent therapy. I'm thinking about switching clinics yet again . I need to find a place that has weekly sessions. The longer I go between sessions the more paranoid that whatever I say will be used to hospitalize me. So I end up being silent. Maybe I should wait and see about this new one. IDK. what would you guys do?

So I thought I was doing okay. Mood wise I am but ED wise I'm ****ed. I just spent 2 hrs convincing myself to take my meds. Not because swallowing pills is extremely difficult for me but I didn't want to eat the yogurt because it's XXX cal instead of the XX cal. I know I need the calories I'm consistently hover around XXX. I can't get the lower cal one until the 18th because I bought so much of this kind. We don't have money for me to waste more food. I'm keeping a food log to bring to my Dr next Friday because she doesn't believe I eat healthy. I don't know whether to show my pdoc Monday. My husband doesn't know I'm keeping a food diary. I get competitive with myself. I don't see my new T until mid July. I just don't know what to do. PCP wants me to exercise too but if I do that my intake will zero out. My husband knows I'm having difficulty and has taken to cooking at least dinner. He doesn't know how bad it is. IDK what to do. Maybe it's just today because I over by XXX calories yesterday.

I absolutely can not keep a food log. All it does is cause me to restrict more and more. The only thing that I was able to do the last bad go around when my GP and Pdoc were pushing the possible need for a feeding tube ....I had was write the date on a slip of paper what I ate and slipped it into a slit on a sealed shut mason jar.

The next appt I would break the jar and just gather up the slips and let them look them over.

Some how with the help of my T Pdoc and GP I was able to avoid a feeding tube. There is not a single eating disorder clinic for a person my age with Medicare that will take me in a 500 mike radius.. It’s sad that many medical providers must think only teenagers suffer from anorexia.

Maybe doing a slip a day might work for you also ?

Maybe doing a slip a day might work for you also ? Should I just wait until they ask me to keep track? I feel PCP doesn't believe me because I don't look it. I can look it real fast if that's the issue. I'm not at a weight that they're (PCP) concerned that I'm dropping weight even at X lbs a week. Though I am seeing her every two weeks . I thought I'd be fine writing it down because it's not like I don't keep track anyway but it's devastating to see it in black and white. It's like "Wow, I ate WAY to much." Did you add the calories of that "meal" or just what it was?

I don't understand I feel fine but now I want to SH, like really bad. I don't get it I'm having all these symptoms but I'm not in a bad place I don't think. How would I know? I won't explaining that would be really hard. HELP!!!

Does your husband have your sharps and meds? If not that's a good firs step.

I'm sorry you're going through these symptoms.

He doesn't know. I don't want to rely on him. I don't want him to know. It'll just start fights. I'm not strong enough to fight with him. I already stressed him out picking at dinner. How horrible is that? You fix a nice dinner and the other person literally picks at it. then throws it out. When he asked what was wrong with it I was truthful and told him nothing it's food. I'm not even pretending anymore. I don't get it. I'm halfway through this medication so there's a good thing but then what?

It certainly wouldn’t hurt to do it. I didn’t write calories down only because I know them all without thinking... so no need for more ink on that slip.

Mine looked something like this , I only would eat one time per day anyway.

1 quarter of a small chicken breast plain, 1 small apple

Or

2 scrambled eggs and half a piece of plain toast.

I never season anything when I’m in a episode , (I don’t want any of my food to actually taste good,) just the thought of 20 more calories for a sprinkle of salt will make me restrict more.

Please stay safe

I tried to tell him. He told me I have to eat more and that I'm not delusional, racing to negative calories. I'm not going to eat the whole yogurt tonight as it causes me discomfort. IDK what to do I see pdoc tomorrow and I'm fighting with myself to tell her the truth or to say my weight loss is due to gastritis. Both are the truth but you understand. I keep thinking I can get it under XXX without H even noticing. I just have to do x,y,z.

Your pdoc can't help if you don't tell them. And it sounds like if you want to avoid the huge vitamins you need to have all the help you can to eat.

Well sure you can lie. You have in the past a lot .. which just lead you to being in a worse place mentally and physically or you can be honest and get more help now rather than later

Ultimately the choice is yours.

Why am I deteriorating back into it so fast? Why don't I want to hold on to it? I don't get it. Another month+ who knows how sick I will be. Yes, I see my gp every 2 weeks but her advice was to eat more healthy stuff. I already feel I spend most of my time cooking and eating (which I know I don't). Maybe she can help through meds. I asked my insurance to go to a nutritionist but I have to go through my caseworker and I have no idea who that is. This whole thing is a mess.

So My caseworker called I told her I can't find a GI dr and I need a nutritionist (didn't mention ED) She said she'll call back later this week with referrals.

So I went. I told her my ED flared up and that I'm only taken in about XXX cal but she's unconcerned because I look healthy. Since my mood is good and I'm going to therapy (I told her infrequently) that she'll see me in ... 3 months. I didn't know what I expected. I mean who sees an overweight person and goes yeah they have an eating disorder. So I'm waiting for my case worker to call me back this week about a nutritionist and the GI dr. I don't even know why I have an appointment with my GP Friday. This can get so bad in a month and a half. I don't know. She said to worry about the ED after the gastritis is gone. That the abilify will increase my appetite. I wait out the hunger. I know I shouldn't.