Blue_Bird and Wander, I'm hoping that tomorrow is brighter for you both. And less irritation for you, sadveiledbride. Blue_Bird, I'm glad some self-care helped a bit. Wander, please let us know how your T & P appointments went.

Miguel'smom, I admire and thank you that you are working to help fund suicide hotline efforts. I'm sorry your mom misunderstood your effort, initially. I have not set up any fundraisers (other than one for a past NAMI Walk), but I do try to get the word out about how significant suicide issues are. I've written blog posts about it, but have also written letters to congressman, my senator, my county health official, and recently my potential presidential candidate of interest. This morning I saw Joe Biden talking to Chris Cuomo on CNN about how mental health issues should be addressed more (parity with other health issues, suicide awareness, etc.) I was very happy to see that, even though Biden (a likeable candidate) isn't my personal first choice.

I'm soooooooo happy to finally be home. Yesterday was pure hell because of our car breakdown and today was rough waiting at the car shop all morning through early afternoon, then having to make the 200 mile drive home. We couldn't believe that at one point we totally lost track of the directions and got lost...in our own state! I noticed that we were on some highway I was not familiar with. I was like "Honey, these exit names seem strange and Tom Tom is trying to get us off the highway. We were almost to Staten Island, NY before we managed to turn around. No offense to Staten Island, but that was NOT where we wanted to be.

This month has been so sad. About a month back we had finally accumulated enough money to start thinking about buying a nice new countertop for our kitchen. Then ***** started happening. We tragically lost our beloved pet parrot. I was devastated, and to add more pain to the injury, as I held the box containing his dead body on the way home from the animal hospital, on top was a bill for over $1,000 for the emergency care, blood tests, x-ray, and autopsy. Over $1,000 to take our beloved boy home without life. So we decided to go away for a mini-vacation. It had actually been planned before we knew of our bird boy's illness. The vacation was a break from hubby's work, but also an escape from seeing our bird boy's cage empty. We had a great time most days, but yesterday (in addition to standing in the sun for almost 5 hours waiting for a tow) equaled a $600 car repair bill, over $120 for an unplanned hotel night, and about $130 extra for restaurants we hadn't planned to go to. C'est la vie!

I'm glad my uncle's viewing is on Thursday instead of tomorrow. His funeral is Friday. What a stress! When we got home, there was a message from my dad worried if we made it back. I called him a little while ago, waking him up, but he was happy to know we were home. I'll call him again tomorrow.

[yellow_fleurs]

BirdDancer what a rough month, I am sorry for all the grief and stress you are experiencing. I hope things start to look up for you.

[Ezrigirl]

TRIGGER:

Possible trigger:

It is 10.45 and I am starting to drink a full bottle of vodka.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

Thank you Ezrigirl for posting trigger. IT would be most helpful if you use the code that hides the posting in the future. You do this by posting [Trigger] your content [/trigger ] (without the space) and then it shows as hidden text. Thanks again.

[Moose72]

Watching "Harvey". In bed. See case manager tomorrow. Just got to the part where Vita is put in the rubber room in the "nut house", banging frantically yet silently on the window.

[~Christina]

BirdDancer ,what an ordeal. I’m glad you finally made it home. It’s good your checking on you’re father. But... please make sure that you make sure you are taking care of yourself. You have suffered a huge loss then your trip that was going well then Bam ! I’m just saying make sure you look after yourself ,I don’t want you to hit a wall

Wild ... omg what a horrible nightmare to have, I’m glad he was able to help you settle down. I’m so glad you have such a great guy in your life !! Your doing great not smoking! It’s so hard be proud of yourself

WC thank you for your post

[~Christina]

It’s been a bit of a rough day... my pain level is ridiculous today.

Literally my husband could hand me a thousand dollars and say go to Target and Ulta have a blast !

I would have to say nope. I literally doubt I could make it to my car. Ugh I’m so sick of Fibromyalgia and PsA grrrrrr !!

I was warned about a thread. Eventually I did break down and read it, I know ????? stooooopid ! So I needed lots of self care. I’m on firmer ground now.

My pain was tolerable yesterday. Today? horrible.

Maybe tomorrow will go back to tolerable??

Days like this.... I really would like whoever has a voodoo doll of me to please please pleeease stop stabbing me. Let me catch my breath !

[sadveiledbride]

I feel like absolute ****. I need to go back to my empty ways

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by sadveiledbride

I feel like absolute ****. I need to go back to my empty ways

How can I help you ? I hate seeing you suffer so much

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

It’s been a bit of a rough day... my pain level is ridiculous today.

Literally my husband could hand me a thousand dollars and say go to Target and Ulta have a blast !

I would have to say nope. I literally doubt I could make it to my car. Ugh I’m so sick of Fibromyalgia and PsA grrrrrr !!

I was warned about a thread. Eventually I did break down and read it, I know ????? stooooopid ! So I needed lots of self care. I’m on firmer ground now.

My pain was tolerable yesterday. Today? horrible.

Maybe tomorrow will go back to tolerable??

Days like this.... I really would like whoever has a voodoo doll of me to please please pleeease stop stabbing me. Let me catch my breath !

(((((( ~Christina ))))))

I hope you get some relief ASAP!!!

[Blue_Bird]

I hope things improve for everyone here struggling

It's going on 4AM. Slept about 5 hours, relaxing with my cats right now. I'm hoping to get a walk in appointment today at my GP to get my med for GERD renewed.

[Wild Coyote]

It's approx 3:30 AM..

I am exhausted; yet, having difficulty with sleep.

Having more issues with H... and situation.

Injured my heel somehow. It feels like I am stepping on razor blades. Having GREAT difficulty walking. I need this like ...

C'mon Universe, give me a healthy break.

[Ezrigirl]

TRIGGER: Just got out of bed after drinking a whole bottle of vodka. I am fine. Craving something to eat. In general, I do not want food when I get up in the morning.

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by Ezrigirl

TRIGGER: Just got out of bed after drinking a whole bottle of vodka. I am fine. Craving something to eat. In general, I do not want food when I get up in the morning.

I’m glad your able to type so well , but would you please learn to use the “ trigger” function correctly. It was explained well with a clear example in your other thread.

Many people here will be triggered I’m afraid.

Thank you

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by Wild Coyote

It's approx 3:30 AM..


I am exhausted; yet, having difficulty with sleep.


Having more issues with H... and situation.


Injured my heel somehow. It feels like I am stepping on razor blades. Having GREAT difficulty walking. I need this like ...


C'mon Universe, give me a healthy break.

It’s official we both need new feet !!!!!

I hope your heel gets its shyt together and feels better right now! I need a magic wand

You so deserve a giant freaking break and it will arrive soon, very soon !! I am sure of it

I have yet to sleep, not sure if it’s gonna happen tonight or not. Meh

[Wander]

Saw my T. By the end of the session he appeared more worried about me than I have ever seen. The session ran late and he ended it staring at his shoes obviously trying to work out what to do. I was supposed to see my pdoc later today but he called in sick. I see him Friday now. My T ended by saying he is notifying my pdoc of my ‘presentation’ and his concerns. I tried hard to seem normal enough but lost it at the end.

I’m in trouble.

I’m like spying on myself and it terrifies me. Warning signs everywhere. I’m trapped and terrified with no way out. PTSD out of control. I search for ways out but find none. If my pdoc hospitalises me Friday I will be trapped even more. The panic is immense. So much I can’t say.

I’m trying. I’m really trying but I have nothing left. Something out of my control is happening. I do want to live but I’m drowning. I don’t even know why I’m posting. I guess I have hardly anyone to talk to.

[fern46]

Hey Wander, thanks for updating us. I've been thinking of you and sending you well wishes often. I know this is an incredibly difficult time.

You seem self aware despite all you are going through. That amazes me and I think it shows your strength. You have been swimming upstream for a long time and I hold hope that things will calm down for you soon. I know how much you are worried that you'll end up in IP. Maybe it is time to let go of that worry a little as you are already dealing with so much. You've been before. You know the drill there. You know you can survive even though it is not what you want. You know you will be safe there and your T and Pdoc wouldn't suggest it if it weren't necessary. I hope it doesn't happen, but you're going to make it if it does. I don't want to make light of the difficulty of an IP stay, but I thought it might be less traumatic if you can reframe your fear of it slightly before you see your pdoc. I'm pulling for you and wishing you all the best. Keep posting if it helps to get it out.

I have an annual checkup with my doctor in less than 2 hours. I'm not looking forward to it. The only reason I go is to get my Lipitor prescription renewed, nothing else. And even then, it's not like I get my blood tested. She just prescribes the med and moves on.

Otherwise, doing okay. I'm working from home today because of the doctor appt. I'm probably going to get back into reading a book at some point because I miss reading. I have a Kindle, physical books, and Audible audiobooks that I haven't touched in a while or haven't touched at all.

I did hear some voices this morning, though. And I "heard" my alarm clock go off (it has a very specific tone), but it wasn't going off. It was coming from the inside of my head. I kept hitting the off button and even unplugged it, but still heard it clear as day. It is times like this where I feel very alone in my struggles, but I know that a lot of you here just "get it."

Wander, I'm glad that your therapist is aware of your situation. I'm so sorry that you are feeling so unwell. Thank you for sharing an update on your appointment. I hope that between your therapist and psychiatrist that you are able to avoid any hospitalization. We are here to support you always.

Christina and Wild Coyote, I do hope your pain eases soon.

bluebicycle, that's curious that your doctor does not order blood work even once per year. I suppose I don't blame you for not wanting to go, given that fact. I do hope the voices and alarm sound you hear stop. Perhaps reading your book will help.

I didn't tell my husband, but this morning I officially quit my private French classes. The French instructor has caused me great stress over the past months, and has been pressuring me to schedule the next lesson. I've talked about this decision with my therapist at length, and she agrees that stopping the classes is best, at this time. This may sound horrible, but I'm not sure if I'll tell my husband the truth about the French classes, if he asks. I may just say I'm attending the last ones, and just not. I am not a person who lies, but I am not totally opposed to fibs that do more good than harm. I told my therapist that it is even possible that I may study French more on my own, at this time, than with classes scheduled. I mentioned here before that the stress of the classes made me freeze from even picking up the book. I'm just too stressed right now to add more stress. I'll consider group (not private) lessons in September. If the French instructor contacts me again, I may just not respond. My email to him was meant to be final, though of course it was friendly (if that's the right word). I didn't have it in me to write the email in French. Plus, such an email must be written effectively. His English is poor, but his wife's isn't.

Today is my first day home totally alone. After my pet died, my husband worked from home, and then we left for vacation together. I can spend the day unpacking from the trip. I also need to go to the grocery store and briefly visit my neighbor.

was doing well today actually, until a company who I complained about (because they wouldn't leave me alone) decided to get back in touch with me because they want me to answer some questionn for them.

so now I feel really agitated and upset, and i've just written a strongly worded email to them basically saying that if they don't quit it, I'm taking it higher.

also it is really hot today, so keep splashing my face with water... working for now..

[Moose72]

Saw my case manager this morning. She said to get on a regular sleep schedule and stick with it. She also said to take Seroquel earlier in the evening. She seemed to think everything else with me is hunky dorey, brainwise, anyway. Just need to exercise more.

[Cornucopia]

My H said yes to going in group therapy with other couples- one of them having bipolar disorder. It’s both education and therapy. So, I think he will learn more about this disorder and see how other people deal with it. I think it will be good in our communication.
We have a healthy relationsship most of the time, but when I get depressed or manic- it is hard for him to respond in ways that don’t make me even worse.

Anyways, doing pretty good. I like the increased dosage in my lamictal. Did well on Seroquel (for a while), but think I might like lamictal better. Need something to sleep on, though- gotta ask the next time I’m going to my doc.

Finally some nice days
Have you ever felt rude for saying that?
I don’t think anyone thinks I’m rude, just feels that way. I know that even when I’m down I am happy to read when you are fine. But when I am fine and write it, it feels unfair- when so many struggle.

I guess I am just very prone to feeling guilty.
Guilty when depressed, guilty when not. Working on it, though.

[Blue_Bird]

ED setback, feel disappointed in myself but moving forward. Also wondering if I should get off seroquel, I'm tired constantly no matter what. I exercise, get outside, take showers to try and wake myself up but I still feel on the verge of falling asleep

[Cornucopia]

Originally Posted by Blue_Bird

ED setback, feel disappointed in myself but moving forward. Also wondering if I should get off seroquel, I'm tired constantly no matter what. I exercise, get outside, take showers to try and wake myself up but I still feel on the verge of falling asleep

I just discovered your blog- nice drawing and you write in a way that is really easy reading- nice flow in the writings

How much Seroquel are you on?
I used to be on that- I had to sleep for atleast 9 hours to not be tired like h… the next day. But I did okay if I just slept enough.
I was only on 400-600 mg, though.

I had to take it about 3-4 hours before going to bed. Even though sometimes I got so sleepy after taking it I fall asleep after an hour or so.

It’s a special kind of sleepy- so if it is affecting your days I would consider asking for a different medication. You get like really drowsy, and it is sooo hard to stay awake and alert. (I got that way if I didn’t sleep enough- and it’s not fun at all)