I hate myself

I'm in mixed state right now so this text could be a bit weird... maybe a bit more...

I hate myself. I'm mentally ill. I definitely didn't deserve it, I don't drink alcohol, don't smoke, don't take drugs... Or maybe I did deserve it because I did something very bad before...

I shouldn't go to the psychiatrist. I should just pretend everything is okay like I did until now, it would be better for me and for the people around me... And it just can't be true. I was never problematic child, I never had serious problems, my life was always great. I can't be bipolar. Maybe I'm weak and spoilt child. Maybe I'm faking it to be more cool.

I'm not really sure what I wanted to say. I just hate myself.

Isolda, we didn't develop bipolar disorder because of any personal fault or sin. If that's what you really think, you're wrong! I'm not reluctant to say that.

If you're feeling unwell, you need to get help. Definitely call a psychiatrist and get that help! That's the right thing to do. Please, please, do it.

I agree 100% with BirdDancer. You didn't do anything to cause bipolar. Mixed states are Hell and I am sorry you are feeling this way.

Ignoring your mood and pretending it is normal is contributing to it affecting your life negatively though. You are inviting bipolar disorder to further impact you through your self hate and refusal to seek treatment. There are aspects of this we cannot control, but there are tons of actions we can take to help manage our lives in healthier ways. The choice to take action and change how you view and treat yourself is on you. It isn't a punishment. It is a gift that nobody can take from you.

When I first came here I was, and still am, in recovery from a mixed state bipolar episode and I can tell you it’s the worst thing I’ve ever experienced. Mixed state is horrible. I felt as though someone had turned out the light. I went from long term hypomania to a manic episode and straight down into mixed state. I came here looking for somewhere where they would know how that felt. They started me on meds and thanks to the treatment the mixed state has gone away. You definitely should seek medical help and the help of a psychiatrist so that you can start to feel better because you do not deserve this and this is not some kind of punishment. You deserve to feel better and you can with the right interventions.

Thank you all for your kind words!

Sorry for the confusing text: I wrote it wrongly (sleeping during English lessons definitely wasn't a good idea). I've already met a psychiatrist. I've met him three times. But I regret it. Maybe. I'm not sure.

He prescribed me antidepressants at first because I was depressed. Then I developed a mixed state (maybe because of the antidepressants, but I'm not sure) so I got antipsychotics but I'm quite afraid of it and don't really want to take it... I know it's stupid. But I never wanted to take any medication and I feel like it's a proof that I'm not strong enough to solve my problems by myself.

I just have really hard time accepting my diagnosis. My sister thinks I'm faking it. I somethimes also think that it can't be true. That I must have made it up. People tell me that I don't need treatment: I just need to live my life. Something in my head tells me the same. It would be better if I carried on pretending everything is okay. I did it four years and got really used to denying my problems. I lied to myself.

Sorry for another confusing text. Too much things are crossing my mind and I'm exhausted right now. And sorry for my English.

Yes the antidepressants can trigger mania which would cause a mixed state. The antipsychotics will help. I didn’t want to take medication either, I had been med free for about 5 years and I was proud of not needing meds. I was already in a mixed state when I was put on an antidepressant which just ramped it up a hundred times. They finally got me stabilised and I’m not happy taking the meds but I’m scared of going back to mixed state cos it really was the worst. So I keep taking them. Do you have the option to see another psych? Maybe you just didn’t get the right one first time

I am sorry you are in a mixed state they are horrible. This is also what my psychiatrist says I experienced on an SSRI and how I ended up with a bipolar diagnosis. I, too, kind of doubt it just because everyone else is telling me they don't see it. Regardless of your diagnosis it sounds like you aren't doing well. One option might be to try your doctor's advice and see if it helps you, even short term just to stop this episode? Another might be to get another opinion? I promise it can get better once you are out of that state although it's been a slow improvement for me over many months. Please get immediate help if you are feeling unsafe with yourself, mixed states can be quite dangerous in that way.

Please DO take those Antipsychotics, @Isolda van der Meer!!!!! It is for your own good! I understand that it's hard to accept! It is not your fault! Sometimes it just happens, very often to the VERY best of people! You're not "wrong" because you have a Diagnosis and just because other people can't see your Suffering, it doesn't mean that it isn't there! Please be kind to yourself! I understand being scared! But please, PLEASE DO take the Meds as prescribed! They could TRULY save your Life! Are you seeing a Therapist right now? I feel like that's often a FUNDAMENTAL part of getting better! Hopefully an experienced Therapist will be able to help you get through this Journey towards your Healing! Please DO consider it! Feel free to PM me ANYTIME when you need Help and Support! I'll be here for you! THAT'S A PROMISE! So will everyone else! Please reach out for help because yes, there IS help out there! KEEP FIGHTING! Sending many safe, warm hugs to you, @Isolda van der Meer, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! PLEASE KEEP FIGHTING AND KEEP ROCKING AS MUCH AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN LIKE YOU'RE ALREADY WONDERFULLY DOING ALL AND ENTIRELY BY YOURSELF!!!!!

Thank you all once more!

I started to take the antipsychotics and I already feel better. No suicidal thoughts. It's nice.

Just wanted to say.

So glad you are feeling better!

I’m glad you’re feeling better