Bipolar check in #37

A Warm Hello!

I hope everyone is having a good day.

I am not doing so well. I am still struggling with Seroquel. I had cut my dose in half last night. I did sleep some. This morning, I felt very hung over again. I felt light-headed, dazed, dizzy and could not think straight, It is now just after 3 pm and I am just starting to clear up a bit. I am going to cut the dose in half again tonight... getting back down to 1/4 of what it was two days ago. I have to do it.

My mood state must be changing because I had no trouble tolerating Seroquel awhile ago. Now it is far too much at just 50 mg.

I am in a lot of pain. On top of my usual chronic pain, I am struggling with severe pain in my ribs. I have a compressed nerve in /around my spine and it is radiating excruciating pain out through both left and right rib cages. It gets worse as the day goes on.

I am reading here daily, as I am able to do so. I have not been able to respond as much on the forum. I want to write back to people who have been kind enough to write a PM to me. It is difficult to find a position in which I am comfortable enough to write. It has been very difficult to write this.

I hope life is going well for everyone. I know we all have challenges. I believe, in time, we can overcome, even if overcoming means adjusting to a point at which we are able to enJOY life despite our circumstances.

Love to All!

W.C. Nerve pain is the worse. Take it easy.

I hope you're feeling better by this evening, WC.

My boss sent me a text offering me increased hours which would require me to drive an hour each way to work two days a week in the main office. I need to be able to accrue sick time and adding vacation time would be nice, but the idea makes me quite anxious. I don't know if I should accept the additional responsibilities and stress. Today I certainly don't feel capable of handling it.

I can certainly understand your situation, Daonnachd. Out of curiosity, does your boss know anything about your health situation? I guess I'm wondering if you could maybe ask to either try the added hours during a trial period, or maybe ask to give him/her an answer at a later, but specific time? Would this be an increase to a more full-time status?

My boss does know about my health and treatment plan. In fact, she once offered to drive me to my ECT appointment, a trip that would have been three hours each way for her after she got me then took me to the hospital.

I am going to be completely open with her about the concerns I have, primarily the fact that ECT makes it very difficult to recall all the details I must to do a satisfactory job at the higher level. Though it wouldn't be full time, it would be an increase from my current 16 hours/week to over 20/week.


Setting a response date is a good idea. She'll be at my office on Monday, so as long as my doc doesn't schedule another treatment right away, I should be able to talk with her face to face.

I forgot to take my morning meds today, so let's just say the day has been too interesting in the wrong way.

Tropical storm or depression Imelda is headed this way. I think they are likely to cancel school tomorrow, and H is not going into work as a 1.5 hr. drive each way (mostly distance, not traffic) isn't worth a committee meeting. He has 2 online courses anyway, so he can work from home on those, and his face-to-face course is a Tuesday/Thursday class. Our internet has been acting iffy though of late, and it's not like AT&T will send out a tech to fix it any time soon. We've had it with them anyway. Our contract is up, and we are going back to Xfinity as soon as H can set it up as he knows more about the internet speeds, wi-fi, etc.

My phone has been dinging weather alerts since this morning. My situation of late:
etc., etc., but La Porte (the city I live in) and Deer Park and Pasadena (we live near where all three meet) are included in all these. One might correctly surmise La Porte is on the Gulf of Mexico, though I don't live in the older part of it near the beach.

I hope you get spared of any major storm damage, Blueberrybook.

Today has been a bit rough for me, too. In my case, I had one of my rare binge eating days. I don't know how my binge eating days compare to some other people's, but it wasn't good. It was clearly triggered by a few things. They usually are always triggered. Otherwise my eating is fine. At least I don't drink anymore.

I will go to my volunteer assignment tomorrow at NAMI, even though I don't want to go. I hope that office won't be so chaotic-like. Such environments are stressful for me. Even the Director of Operations there kind of stresses me out. She's a little over-the-top friendly and hugs me too much. Don't get me wrong, I like hugs, but not from people I am not very familiar with. She acts likes she's known me forever. She even said that a few times to the point where I corrected her, as tactfully as possible. My therapist said that that's probably her way of trying to be welcoming, but it is uncomfortable for me. If people here met me, they'd find me to be an extremely outgoing and even zany person in some ways (and times), but a bit reserved in others.

My therapist helped me understand that I am not failing as a teacher if I can’t get my students to do work. She said that if you’re not even sure you want to be alive, if you’re not sure you have a future, then why would school matter? I felt that. Because that’s exactly how I felt in high school. I had lost sight of that. So I’m going to work to show more compassion to my students and not judge myself so harshly if my lessons go awry. Once again, my therapist helped me see the truth. I am fortunate to have her.

I have calmed down a bit from the weekend, however when I got home today expecting RS to be there and he wasn’t, I just said to myself oh, he’s dead. Died in a car crash and they just haven’t notified me yet. So that was extreme. But once again my therapist helped me with that too. She said that I need to lean into the thoughts. That I need to prepare myself and then it won’t seem so scary. So basically just keep saying and then what until I get to the end. Like ok, he dies. And then what? I will be devastated. And then what? My son will be devastated. And then what? I will lean on my family for support like I did last time. And then what? I will tear myself out of bed to support my son. Etc etc. I know it doesn’t sound like it would help but it actually did.

Tomorrow I need to work on my lesson plans. I need to keep them up to date in case they come looking for them. I have been avoiding it because it’s labor intensive and I am a huge procrastinator. However I must practice because I will start my course in October and I must have all my ducks in a row.

Thank you. My previous therapist does not take my insurance anymore, so I am in the process of searching for a new one.

If you can I seriously would recommend you wait a couple months after you have fully stopped Lithium before beginning a slow taper off a benzo.

I hear ya on the robot !

I’m glad that besides struggling you do have a lot of positives in motivation that are wonderful.

Do you have trouble during the Fall ? Maybe this is just your Bipolar jerking you around some?

I’m glad your getting out, hopefully that will help you lift your mood

Yes I got a few hours , so I’m grateful

It is a possibility it was just a tough batch, I’ll find out I bought a huge pack and repackaged for many servings.

I’m just glad my burgers were great tonight lol 2 nights in a row of yucko dinner would have really legit upset me

Thank you, Innerzone. I really do feel comfortable sharing here. I feel nobody else really understands in my "real life". I keep thinking that people are against me everywhere I go and that I can read their thoughts. I keep trying to reality test, but the feelings are very strong.

I cannot stop believing that I know what people are thinking about me and wonder if they will try to do something to sabotage me. It is going beyond just normal insecurities. Plus, I'm really depressed. I need a therapist due to insurance issue. I don't see my pdoc until 2 weeks. She books up fast. But I think I need to get in sooner.

So happy you got sleep ! Congrats on your 6 month mark, that’s fantastic ED’s are such a hard struggle.

What courses will you be taking ?? Sounds exciting

Yay for sleep !!! Sounds like a great entertaining one maybe you will have it tonight , let’s hope so !

Thanks ! yes I got a few hours. It’s odd I never did get around to eating any last night haha, but it’s sitting on my end table as I type this !

Oh I wish this nerve pain resolves soon! I can only imagine the pure torture of it.

Maybe 1/4 will be a helpful dose for now, being chemically hung over until afternoon is just to much. You have things to do !

Somehow you continue to just keep moving forward and keeping focusing on positives that your able to fine , that’s wonderful

I hope your given time to consider it in depth. Is there possible a way you can take it on a temporary basis to see if it something you can manage ?

It’s good that you were able to politely guide her off being so overly friendly. That would make me uncomfortable too.

You know yourself best and just be very watchful what this volunteer work is doing for your stability.

I’m glad you were able to see your T today.

The other night I felt like I was constantly snacking on something , last night when I had bought chocolate I never got around to having any , weird lol

Last night I was beside myself. I was exhausted, but wanted to rush around, I felt impulsively suicidal for no reason, my insides were flipping around making being still very uncomfortable, and my mind was raging with wild, racing thoughts. It was like a mixed state. As I could no longer bear it I took 25 mg of Seroquel which I keep for emergencies. Nothing. So I had more and finally fell asleep. This morning I feel calm and ok but I’m worried about what’s in store for me.

All these symptoms I believe are due to me tapering off Lithium. Lithium never stopped a mixed state so I doubt it is a re-emergence of Bipolar. It has been three weeks since I started tapering. Six days since awful physical, now emotional, symptoms started, and I am only 5/8th’s the way off Lithium. For now I’m going to sit at this dose till things calm down. F***ing meds!

On top of this those closest to me are fed up with me being unwell or dealing with this kind of stuff so I have no one to talk to outside my T. Maybe that’s enough. It just hurts that I’ve burnt out those close to me. I’ve lost many relationships before so I’m keeping my mouth shut and talking about fluffy stuff.

Last night worried me. The feeling of being mixed is almost unbearable. I’m trying to move forwards in my life but keep getting stuck. I need to be in good health off Lithium. I’ve come off benzodiazepines before and this is just as bad. Guess all I can do is push on, and try and have some fun along the way.

Well I was able to get a few hours of sleep last night.

I am concerned , the other night my husband and I stayed up all night watching Shameless, had a great time , but he’s not capable of losing much sleep, but he got a lot of sleep last night as he went to bed early early.

We had dinner and I thought he was off in the bathroom, no he had climbed into bed, only complaint was he’s just tired and felt a bit chilly. I put a very light throw on him. He didn’t leave it on long.

I’m hoping hoping hoping he’s just still recovering from lack of sleep that night and there is nothing brewing again.

So I’m back again on high alert.. generally this is how things will likely be now in my life off and on. Watching him like a hawk and paying attention to him being more tired or just”off” in the slightest way.

He said to me while he was in the hospital that he always thought he would be the one really needing to take care of me because of my many health problems. I know he feels bad, I mean who wants to be taken care of more than just getting the flu or bronchitis once a year or so ?

It’s been really hot mostly upper 90’s humidity isn’t great but it’s not horrible. That could be part of the problem.

Stress stress and stress

I certainly understand your wanting to cut down on meds but maybe it’s not a good idea right now ?? Do you have trouble in general when the seasons change ? Maybe just bad timing ?

I think holding Lithium at this dose for a while is smart. It’s unlikely that your in any kinda of therapeutic level , but as I shared it was hell for me getting off it

As for burning people out. When I was diagnosed every waking moment for me was consumed by Bipolar , I burned numerous friends out for sure. I didn’t realize what I was doing at the time. But I did quickly learn that I can’t expect people with out Bipolar to understand it and it’s just overwhelming, most people’s brains run so slow compared to ours.

So ...I stopped really discussing my Bipolar unless it was here on PC and my Therapist.

I thank DocJohn for creating this safe place for people to find our “birds of a feather” support.

I'm so tired. I was up sick all night until 5:30 AM. I have to stay up another 2 hours or I'll just wake up and be awake in the night for a few hours. I thought my GI issues were better but yesterday was horrible. I have 10 more days until I see the GI. I honestly thought I was going to be cancelling it because I was so much better but now I'm going.

I'm dogsitting for a few days while my mom helps a friend who has surgery tomorrow. It means a lot of back and forth between our houses (but we live across a driveway away so that's good). It does tend to mess with my sleep schedule even more and that worries me. I have been a bit hypo and have no desire to go further up. I'm glad I can help, just anxious that I'll get sicker and not be in my own private home. I have to try milk again. I've had yogurt and been ok so I thought I was probably fine with milk but truthfully dairy products have been ok so I'm not sure why I thought yogurt would be different than cheese. I have bad feelings about milk after yesterday showed me the same issues still exist and I've just had some better days.

I hope I sleep tonight. I have things I want to get done tomorrow. I'd love to go shopping since I have a coupon, I need to go get my mom's birthday present, I need to go to the bank, etc.

At least I have a couple of days to get my mom's present. She won't be home until Thursday night or Friday.

Sometimes later in the fall I do get depressed, it could be starting a little early this year. I think it might also be partly because I worked from home last week and it threw off my routine. I actually do feel better after seeing my friends tonight. It's always a nice surprise when I push myself to be social and it lifts my mood.