Bipolar check in #37

Today will be relatively low stress, I hope. I need to work more on the project, helping my hubby. I thought I'd make quicker progress, but I'm not. It's not from lack of working on it, it's just I overestimated my speed. I'm still interested in it and know that my working on it REALLY helps hubby. As far as time per day, I can't do more than maybe 3 hours. Any more and it's too stressful. The sooner I finish, the sooner hubby can move on to next stages. I'm hoping to be done by Thursday, at the very latest. I will definitely need a break by then. Hubby will do a lot of work during a vacation he's going to take. We are renting a house near a beautiful lake in the Pocono Mountains (in Pennsylvania) later this month. He plans to do a lot of work there.

Tomorrow will be a little stressful. I mentioned that I would meet with my local NAMI Operations Director to talk about volunteer opportunities. It's a step forward for me.

I'm concerned about the distance to the NAMI location. It's a 45 minute drive from my house, though less than 20 mins from my therapist's office (same direction). I'm fairly comfortable with the drive, except perhaps during winter snow. I may have mentioned here that certain drives intimidate me. I could get to NAMI quicker taking highways, but I would choose more back roads, instead.

We think that our local hummingbirds finally started their journey south. We saw one girl yesterday, but I think she was just passing through the area from north. The hummingbird feeder will soon be replaced by the seed feeder.

Did laundry today, really needed to, didn't feel like it because since the gas leak and foundation collapse in the apartments laundry room I can't do it here, I have to carry my laundry and walk to a local laundromat to do it. So it feels good to have that taken care of. The two APs I take cause heat intolerance and it's pretty hot today so that was a whole ordeal.

Anyway, things are going very well. I had a weird time last night though where I started getting extremely paranoid but thanks to the support of friends on the Schizophrenia forum I made it through it, took my meds, went to sleep and woke up today feeling much better

Not doing great at all, I got 2 hours of sleep, maybe less. I'm really sad today.

I just got home. I thought about calling my pdoc or therapist, but I guess it's too late in the day for that because it's more or less 2pm right now. Therapist's last appt is at 1:30pm *if* she happens to have one, and my pdoc's assistant stops checking voicemail after 2pm, so calling him isn't going to work. So, they're both "gone" basically.

I suppose it can't hurt to leave a voicemail now for my pdoc. His assistant will check it tomorrow at some point, but who knows when... If I do contact my therapist, I don't think she'd be of much help. All she does is tell me to take my meds... but I am taking them! So, maybe she would be useless right now.

Sunrise from Sunday

Wow! Wonderful!
Happy dance!
Good for you!

So glad you'd found support on the forum!
I hope you find a way to do your laundry , an easy way!
Please take care!

Oh My! I don't like to see the hummingbirds leave. At least they will thrive wherever they go.

a 45 minute drive seems like quite a drive to me. HOw often must you drive it?

I hope your volunteer position is FUN!

I am sorry you are not sleeping. I cannot function without sleep, either. I tend to get very depressed when I cannot sleep for a couple of nights because it impairs me cognitively and I cannot get as much done each day.

Do you know what you are sad about?

(((((( Innerzone ))))))

You are a doll!

My daughter was running fever and had to stay home from school. When I called the school to let them know she was sick, they transferred me to the school nurse who said some strep had been going around, and if she complained of a sore throat, take her to the doctor. She had been complaining of a sore throat last night, so we went to see her doctor. Not strep, apparently some nasty head cold going around. Doc said to give her Children’s Sudafed even though she is will be 12 in December and weighs around my weight and and is less than 2” from my height. So yeah, one bottle of this stuff, which Is OTC but has to be gotten behind the pharmacy counter will last us all of 3 days. I know her pediatrician is just being cautious and rightly so, but I hope I don’t need a 2nd bottle in 3 days’ time.

I thought for certain my daughter would be back at school tomorrow, but then she started running fever an hour ago or so.

Mood has been OK today, mostly probably because I was busy as the pediatrician is a good 45 minute drive and then it was lunch and going to the pharmacy. I hope I am over the worst of the first taper from Clonidine, probably won’t really know until a trigger or anxiety/panic hits.

Right now I will take plain just feeling OK, not great, but not bad either.

I have three days of working with the students under my belt. They are quite interesting to say the least! Nothing I have t dealt with in the past though. And the other staff is super supportive. I’m doubting my ability to keep up with the lesson planning though. I’m afraid I won’t be able to deal with the stress. I’m kind of freaking out. But I keep telling myself I’m a good teacher and I can do it. I just hope I really can.

I have to tell them I’m unable to renew my certification. I think I was told before that I can if I have 21 credits but I’m not sure. I do have 21 credits in two different programs. Not sure if that’s acceptable. I hope so. If not I’m out a job by the end of the year.

I think I am going to drop my master’s program. School is too stressful. The thought of taking five more classes makes me cringe. But if I go to the graduate endorsement program instead I’ll be done in the spring. I won’t have a master’s degree but I can always go back and get it later if I choose. And then I’ll be able to apply for my standard teacher of students with disabilities certificate and I won’t have to worry about it anymore. The idea is sounding more and more appealing. I think I’m going to do it.

Still having the stomach pain. Doesn’t seem to matter what/how much I eat. I just don’t have time to go to the GI dr right now. I should have gone over the summer. But it wasn’t that bad then. Sigh.

I’m feeling kind of down today because I’m doubting all my abilities. But it’ll be ok, I hope.

Oh, I had another nightmare last night. It was so terrifying I woke up almost crying. I had to wake RS up to calm me down. Basically in my dream RS was hugging me but he wouldn’t let go he started squeezing me really hard and I kept begging him to stop. I started screaming but I couldn’t scream and I tried to bite his hands to get him to let me go. He was completely silent. It was like he was an evil force pinning me down. I finally slid off the bed with his arms still squeezing me. I crawled into the living room dragging him behind me. I finally got away from him and started crying in the corner and then I looked over and saw the REAL RS coming toward me with a concerned look on his face. The evil RS disappeared. And then I woke up.

I can’t even begin to unpack that one. I was afraid to go back to sleep because I was afraid I would have another evil dream. In my half awake state I was convinced there was an evil presence in my house. I don’t think that’s actually true, I think I just wasn’t that awake. I hope nothing like that happens tonight!

I really hope I can get my Klonopin tomorrow. I've missed two doses so far and combined with not getting my oral Haldol tonight I don't think I'll be getting any sleep. I really don't want to go back down the rabbit hole I just came out of (which started by not getting enough sleep). So anxious right now.

Wildflowerchild, have you tried the detail in the dream technique? I used to have horrid nightmares from PTSD and would wake up mid-panic attack from the dreams. My old therapist told me to think before going to sleep that I would watch for the polka dot sock in the dream. As bizarre as it sounds I did watch for that sock and my dreams did decrease.

I told my pdoc that I thought I was a little hypo today. At the end she smiled and said that she always knows when I'm up because I get giggly and apparently I have a cute giggle that makes her want to giggle. So for now I'm allowed to just handle it with PRNs and let her know if it goes bad. I don't have a good track record with this kind of them so I really hope that I just ease through it and go back to normal. My therapist is gone next week on vacation so I have to monitor myself although I can see another therapist is needed.

Now I'm so tired as I always am after pdoc day. The drive is usually 2.5 hours and today there was ridiculous construction so it was 3.25 hours up and I was late even though I left early enough to be quite early. The way home was not bad though which was odd compared to the way up but still 15 minutes longer. 5.5 hours of driving is a lot.

Hoping for a sound night of sleep.

It's so strange. I feel so insecure. But I have no reason to feel like that. My life is fine.

People say I'm doing great. Yet I feel this profound sense of being unsure.

It's not new. It has been like this for a long time but I'm feeling it more today.

In my mind I know it's the depression doing its thing, trying to work its way into every part of my life, especially the more vulnerable parts.

All I can do is try to resist and hope that things improve, even though things have not gotten any better.

So I'm volunteering for 2 hrs a week. It's babysitting a bunch of teenage boys while they play board games and lunch but it's stressful. It's only 11 weeks . I got this, right? I'm nervous I have to talk, direct and organize these kids. It's not like I'm teaching them anything but still nervous. My son will be there so he'll help. I still can't believe I was okay with this. This is a huge thing for me. Last time I volunteered I had to use a sedative to sleep the night before because I was crying to hard with anxiety to sleep. This was not the plan this morning. I wasn't even going to go with them but staying alone all day wasn't an option yet. So I went and I'm excited to be helping but I'm not sure I'm stable enough. We'll see. I've been running around all day and organizing things. I so didn't want to get up this morning.

I'm pretty depressed atm. Have PHP at 10... It's just now 6 am. Planning on going to an AA meeting before I head to group.

Sorry you're feeling so low. I hope the AA meeting is helpful and that you benefit from PHP. You're doing all the right things by seeking help and doing what you can to feel better.

I hope you feel better soon.

Sorry to hear that, Scooter. I know you've been struggling for a while now, and indeed what you're describing is difficult to cope with. I hate when depression pries its way into everything. It's truly frustrating.

I hope you're able to find that magic pill that makes you feel better, even if it's not Wellbutrin. What you're going through is not fair and you deserve to be happy.

All the best.

Ah, that sucks your therapist is out on vacation, but I'm glad you can see another therapist if things get worse. It must be really nice to have that option.

Sorry to hear about the traffic, though. I agree that 5.5 hours is a lot of driving, but it sounds like the trip was well worth it? You have a great care team, and that is hard to come by IMO. You are very lucky to have them.

I think it's great you're going to volunteer! You never know how it'll go until you try, so just try to take it one day at a time. I didn't know if I was stable enough to start a full time job last year but the structure has been good for me even though it's hard sometimes. Volunteering helped me with my mental health in the past. It feels good to help others.

Thanks bb. I'm trying... At this point, trying is about all I can do...

Feeling pretty good right now. Wish I could sleep, but that's not happening any time soon.

I'm waiting for my pdoc's assistant to call me back. I'm hoping she'll get my pdoc to prescribe me some klonopin to knock me out tonight because I'd sure like to sleep. I'm not tired, but I do want to sleep before I burn out.

I just feel particularly "needy" right now, and it makes me feel guilty because I know there are depressed, suicidal, anxious, etc patients who need to see my pdoc more than I do. Plus, I am being protected from the supernatural force's dark energy by a good energy, so I'm really not in danger. The dark energy cannot penetrate the good energy's barrier. I sense the good energy's presence.

I hope everyone has a good day.

Tapering down Lithium is getting tough. All my senses feel red raw, I have constant palpitations, and I can’t stop sleeping. Physically I just feel really off. Like the parts inside of me are crawling instead of my skin. I’m coming down from 900 mg and should hit my temporary target of 450 mg on Thursday. Maybe I will drag it out. I’m sitting at 450 until next month when I see my pdoc. On the plus side I am more emotionally engaged and ‘real’. I have been laughing a lot more. If only I could stay awake I could enjoy life.

So mostly I’ve been sleeping but for the last three days I’ve been watching over my partner who ran out of meds and didn’t have a valid concession card to get them cheaply. He was so distressed he couldn’t even handle me taking him to the government agency to get a physical copy of proof of entitlement, or help him get it off their website. Instead he’s waiting for them to post the card out which could take two weeks. This meant he abruptly stopped three psych meds on the same day. Poor guy is going through hell. I’ve just been making sure he doesn’t have a bad reaction and eats enough. Thankfully he’s been sleeping a lot too so we basically spent three days resting. His mood has been all over the place though. I wish he would talk to his pdoc.

My niece is now being put on Prozac. She is only 15. It worries me as the side effects can be brutal and it increases her risk of suicide temporarily. Something has to be done though. She is suicidal and has begun to have severe panic attacks at school but refuses to talk when in therapy. I can only hope that she is one of the lucky ones who respond to Prozac well. My sister is being very compassionate and vigilant so she has a great Mum. Dads part of the problem unfortunately. He is loving but has a bad temper.

I’m surrounded by mental health issues. It’s kinda stressful. To combat stress I’ve been walking or swimming at the beach. It helps. Mentally I’m doing pretty well. Mood stable. The ptsd still leaves me fragile and anxious though but I’m working through it. I’m still on the floor in a million pieces so it’s going to take a while.