I'll save you the details, but today has been bad and I got a little violent. My mom yelled at me and wants me to go back to the hospital but I feel like I got worse since going in last time. I mean how can doing nothing but sitting with dark thoughts 24 hours a day be helpful? I don't know what to do

Possible trigger:

I mean I really want to kill myself and think about it constantly

but I'm afraid I'll just get worse again and my violence will just yield to being strapped down in the quiet room again.
I want to move out so I can engage in my unhealthy coping skills without bothering them, but financially I can't do that.
I feel so guilty, but at the same time I'm still raging. I want to ruin every relationship with everyone so people start caring about me as much as I care about myself.

[~Christina]

Your in crisis. I really hope you decide to go back IP, I really feel you need it desperately.

Please give yourself time to allow Bipolar to cycle you out of this hell, and it will

Stay safe you deserve to feel better

How can anyone expect me to go back when I just got worse there? I cant spend that much time alone with my thoughts.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

Is another hospital a possibility? They vary a lot and another one might keep your mind filled with better thoughts while actually helping you get the right meds.

You really do sound like you need to be in a hospital.

[yellow_fleurs]

I am very concerned for you and do think this is a crisis and you need help from what you're saying. I was also going to suggest looking into a different hospital in hopes that you'll have a more positive experience. Are there any others you could consider? Could anyone provide you advice on which ones are best in your area?

[sophiebunny]

If you are violent and others are commenting, you need an in patient admission ASAP. Call your psychiatrist. I'm sure he has ideas where to appropriately send you. I admire you for being proactive about your violent thoughts and behavior. Many aren't and someone always ends up geting hurts, including you.

[Victoria'smom]

The hospital I attend has groups. Not all day there's plenty of just sitting with your thoughts but there's group if you want to attend. If you do not want to go to the hospital can you commit to going to group as often as they have it? Call your Pdoc for PRNs to take before you have outbursts. Have someone who wont ask questions hold your meds. You have to make an IOP environment for yourself. I spend most of my day coloring and writing to T. I write a mood/event/thought chart that I will give her during session. I'm forcing myself not to isolate or stay in bed thinking. What are some things you like to do normally?

Originally Posted by BeyondtheRainbow

Is another hospital a possibility? They vary a lot and another one might keep your mind filled with better thoughts while actually helping you get the right meds.

You really do sound like you need to be in a hospital.

I agree. Maybe another hospital may help you.

Even if the next closest hospital is 1-3 hours away, I still think said hospital is worth your consideration. No one wants to travel that far, of course, but if you feel the hospital you came from didn't help you, then you may end up in the same predicament when they discharge you again. You need to go someplace where you know there's a chance you will benefit. Not every hospital is suited for every person. What hospital works for one person may not work for another, or the hospital may just be bad in general.

[fern46]

We have an option to go to respite centers where I live. They are group homes you can stay in for a period of time while you stabilize. They aren't as stringent as IP. They have group therapy and activities to keep you busy. I'm not sure how widely offered these homes are, but it might be worth looking into.

I’m not doing any of this ****. Id rathher go to hell than a hospital even a different one. I’m too wound up for group and they don’t really deserve me screaming at them. I’d call my pdoc but its sunday dipass.

Originally Posted by spikes

I’m not doing any of this ****. Id rathher go to hell than a hospital even a different one. I’m too wound up for group and they don’t really deserve me screaming at them. I’d call my pdoc but its sunday dipass.

Sorry you're struggling so much.

I'm not trying to push the hospital at all, but I'm curious why you wouldn't want to go to a different one. Did you have negative experiences there too?

Can you leave a voicemail for your pdoc (or his nurses/assistants) so that he gets the message first thing in the morning?

[fern46]

Short of harming yourself, what do you think would help you? You only seem open to one option and I think deep down you know that isn't an option.

This will pass eventually. It isn't forever, but you have to allow yourself to be open to help if you want this to improve as quickly as possible.

[Victoria'smom]

If you can't do group can you write to T? for an hour (or however long group is) and give it to them when you see them? What hobbies do you have that you can do?

yes Ive had bad experiences at other hospitals. I just feel like Ive wanted to die at least 80% of the time over the past ten years and I’m sick of feeling this way. it sure feels like its going to last forever. I see my worthless pos pdoc on tuesday so she can make me even worse because thats what everyone wants because Im such a slut and I deserve all this pain i deserve to be broken forever

[fern46]

Feeling that way for so long is horrible. Nobody can deny that. I can say though that some of the struggles you present here are 100% in your control, but they require you to do the work to change your choices. Being or not being a slut is in your control. You are the only one who can change it. We are what we choose to be in the moment. Our past defines us if you choose to only look backward. Make better choices for yourself in that regard starting today and then today you're not a slut. Leave the past in the past for now. Choose to abstain from sex for a period of time until you find baseline again and can make sexual decisions from a healthy place and then you set up a pattern of making healthy sexual decisions.

I imagine if you were to brainstorm a list of all of the reasons you feel worthless a majority of them would be at least somewhat in your control. That means you have a lot of opportunity for growth and joy in front of you. The way you view this and then respond makes all the difference.

No amount of meds or therapy can fix this for you. You have to do the work. Most work seems daunting at first, but it gets easier after you take the first step. Then the steps add up and you gain confidence. Then you start to like yourself a bit more. You will make mistakes, but they will feel like less of a failure once you get a few successes under your belt. You've maybe forgotten or never known what it feels like to thrive, but it is out there for you. You have to get over the mental hurdles first though. You have to be able to believe it is a possibility.

I realize maybe you're not in a place to hear this now. Sorry if it is just too much, but maybe it will help later. You're a good person Spikes. I've seen you give thoughtful and wonderful advice here. You have lots to build upon. I wish you could see it.

[BipolarWolf]

Hi Spikes, I am sorry you are having a rough time. I did some research online and found a good article to read.
I admit, there are some things on that may not apply to you, but after I was done reading it.
I did a couple of them, and I have to say I feel much different than I did before reading the article.
Here is the link below. I wish you better times. I am sending positive vibes your way.

20 Questions to Ask Yourself if You Feel Like Giving Up

[yellow_fleurs]

I'm sorry you are feeling like this. I know what it's like to feel worthless and to have your mind essentially bully you. These negative thoughts you are experiencing can be seen as an abusive voice in your head telling you hurtful things. Have you made mistakes? Do you need to make changes? Sure, most of us have and do need to make changes, but that doesn't mean these thoughts are an accurate representation of the situation or that you deserve to feel this way. When you live with these voices long enough you start to believe it to be true. Or at least that's how it's worked for me. Maybe someone in your life has told you these mean things in the past and you have internalized them? Would you ever say the things you say to yourself to someone else even if they were struggling? I doubt it based on your compassionate posts here. Try to offer yourself some self compassion, even if you don't yet believe you deserve it.

Dealing with mental health issues is not a sprint, it's a marathon. We may need to take breaks, then get back up and keep going. Maybe things we have tried in the past have not worked and we need to try something new. I think there's always the possibility you have not received the right kind of treatment or been stable enough to fully commit to it. There are many types of therapy, and the wrong one might not really help. What types of therapy have you tried? For example, I have not been treating my OCD with the evidence-based therapy shown to work for it and this might well be the reason I am not making progress. I hope you'll give it another shot and talk to your pdoc honestly about how your feeling and options for treatment.

[MickeyCheeky]

I don't have much to add to what all the other wise, wonderful posters have already wisely and wonderfully said BETTER THAN I EVER COULD! I am TRULY, DEEPLY SORRY that you're hurting and struggling SO BADLY and that you're going through ALL OF THIS, @spikes! You don't deserve to suffer AT ALL and I'm sure you know that as well even if it's deep down inside you! Please take WONDERFUL care of yourself! I hope you'll decide to check yourself at a GOOD hospital as I feel like that may be the best option at the moment. Please ALWAYS remember that ALL of this is only temporary and that you'll get better with time! Please, PLEASE get yourself checked if you can... it's for your own good! You're a good, compassionate person and I'm sure you know it as well even though you may not be seeing it at the moment. Please treat yourself with KINDNESS and RESPECT! I am here for you if you need ANY help or some advice and support! My inbox is always open if you need someone to talk to or vent to and I'm sure I'm not the only one either! I am SURE EVERYONE HERE will be glad to help you! Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @spikes, your family, your friends, ALL the people who are trying to help you and who Love you and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking, my dear, sweet friend! You've got this! I am TRULY, DEEPLY SORRY that you're hurting and struggling SO BADLY and that you're going through ALL OF THIS, MY AWESOME, KIND, GENEROUS, WISE AND WONDERFUL FRIEND!

[Wild Coyote]

I am sorry you continue to have a very challenging time.

Your posts and your stance sound to me like your illness is talking.
I am encouraging you to get some help right away before something serious happens to yourself or to someone else.

You have been reaching out here. Many have given you excellent feedback; you have posted in order to get some feedback.
Why not trust the feedback?

Does your pdoc take voice mail over the weekend? Many do and they check in for messages and/or have a messaging service contact them right away when a client is in crisis. Do you know if this or a similar type of service is available to you? In this state, it is illegal for pdocs to not have coverage for their clients, 24/7, 365.

I hope you will make a huge effort to reach your pdoc today. I also hope you will pursue help, as you are in crisis at this time.

It is your choice, of course. We can only give you feedback and support you as much as we can over the internet.
I hope you will make some healthy decisions today and will seek the help you need at this time.

[*Beth*]

Hey Spikes, I am truly sorry about the way you're feeling. I'll say that I understand.

Last year, after I was arrested to the hospital (police came to my apartment because some jerk called 911 on me 'cause they thought I was suicidal, cops took me in handcuffs to the hospital). When I got home I told myself and everyone I knew that no way would I go back to the effing hospital, regardless of any consequences. If I'm feeling like self-harming I have informed my psych team that I will not admit to how I feel because I refuse to return to any psych hospital.

I don't know where these mythical IP's are that have lovely activities all day and the staff and patients become your friends for life. I've never experienced IP like that. Maybe if one is wealthy and can pay for a Girl, Interrupted IP experience. So I'm with you on the hospital option.

To me, it sounds like you are well aware of the episode you're in right now, and you've reached out here on PC. That's a big step. I encourage you to give a couple of coping tools a try...breathing to ground yourself. Make yourself take a walk to force your attention to shift. Sounds funny, but drinking water over a period of several minutes helps to center my energy down. And keep coming on here to post - let us know how you're doing.

Thanks for the responses. I'm a little overwhelmed to respond to all of them but I see my pdoc Tuesday and I'll be honest and see what she wants to do (except IP)