Bipolar check-in #42

I've really got to get a handle on sleeping in. I finally woke up at 10 but was so comfortable I went back to sleep until noon. Now I'm at starbucks. I'd read my book but I'm saving it until n3's piano lesson. My other book won't arrive until Valentine's Day. Wish I had someone to celebrate that day with. I remember that Valentines day 1991 was the day my ex husband and I started dating.

It’s your day off?

Yes, n3 doesn't work today so i didnt have to get up at 5.

I realized that Valentine's Day is coming up. The first thing in my mind is "What in the heck am I going to get hubby?" The truth is, my husband has everything, and more than enough. I'm sure he could figure out something for himself, but without a Wish List, I'm clueless. I would likely be easier to buy for, but when asked, I have no idea what I want, because I strive to "Simplify, Simplify, Simplify". I did buy him a card, which is mandatory for him, but suggested today that we skip the gifts and just go out to dinner and then come home and light the fireplace and play music. Luckily, he agreed to my idea. He said he didn't have a gift for me yet, so that was good. I'm relieved! We simply have too many days in the year that require gifts. It's to the point where the whole gift-giving is more a punishment than a pleasure for me. Don't get me wrong, though. I do like to give gifts occasionally.

The hospital called to move my date for ECT forward. While the coordinator was talking I was thinking my therapist had got in touch with them and told them that I'm not doing particularly well. I can't recall whether I've given permission for them to communicate because if so it would've happened right about the time I was getting the first introductory acute series of ECT. That period is well and truly erased from my memory.

I just finished my book. Its the tail end of n3's piano lesson. Supposedly, C is going to call me tonight- at least I think that's what he said earlier.

N3? What’s that?

I have three grown kids all with names that begin with "N". We started calling them N1, N2 and N3 when they were little.

You’re a housewife ?

After much consideration I have decided not to go off of depakote. The reason for this is if **** hits the fan, I will have no one to blame but myself. It’s irresponsible to take that chance and possibly ruin my relationships with my family and my job. I would love to be on just one med; but I need to discuss it with my pdoc first, not just quit because I feel like it. I quit the haldol because of a real concern, the possibility that I was having extra pyramidal symptoms which could develop into TD. The fact that my pdoc didn’t seem at all concerned about the facial movements drove my decision to quit on my own. And knowing that haldol works pretty rapidly made me more confident, because if I do develop symptoms I can start again and get relief quickly. Depakote is not the same. Depakote must build up to the proper blood level. If I go off and go bananas, it might take quite awhile to reign it back in. Not a chance I should take.

I must admit, one of the reasons I wanted to stop was the lure of hypomania. I haven’t been hypomanic in two years and I miss it. But the last time I was hypomanic, aside from being absolutely enthralled with life, I was also massively paranoid. I believed my food could be poisoned if I didn’t watch it at all times. I believed the police would pull me over and find a reason to arrest me and throw me in jail. I believed my school was tracking me through cameras and the key card system to watch when I entered and exited the building and punish me for it. It was not fun. So while SOME of it was fun, a lot of it definitely was not. And then there was the horrible, crushing depression I crashed into after it was all over. The depression that caused me to dangerously over serve and mix meds that shouldn’t be mixed at the level I was taking them.

So, I’ve decided that for now I will stay on it. I have no real side effects as long as I don’t go above 1000mg. The combination seems to be working for me. I only had that episode of depression in September because my job stressed me out so much. Once I quit that job, it went away. So for now, two meds it is for me.

No not married.

Deleted too

Deleted. Time to find dinner.

@leomama, please be conscious of the fact that questions like these can open old wounds and cause hurt you would have otherwise avoided. By simply reading and piecing together comments you can gather enough information to participate soundly on the board. Such a strategy as I suggest would also prevent the opening of wounds through direct questions. ... just a thought.

Thank you ! well said!
bizi

bless you!
((((((HUGS)))))
bizi

Thank you!!

Thank you for the hugs and the blessing!

Feeling a little better after a talk with a good friend tonight. She was also having a rough time and it made her feel better, too, so win-win. We discussed that if I don't ever get totally better mentally it would be okay. She told me I am still a great friend, daughter, etc and that this doesn't impact that. I have been feeling down about how I don't understand my issues, and getting in my head that I should be figuring out what's going on and working on it more. I got worried I wasn't doing therapy "right" and that I probably didn't give enough useful information to my psychiatrist to get help, and that if I've stumped my clearly competent psychiatrist this much that no one will be able to figure this out. I can see I am catastrophizing as I write this out haha. I think I'm just burnt out is all.
I had to get an extension on the project, but my mentor for it was really understanding and actually asked if I was okay. That was without me mentioning the nature of my issues was mental health, so I thought that was really nice of him. I am grateful to have supportive people in my life.
I do think that that talk with my friend was enough to ground me a bit and that I will have a better night for it. Making some dinner, then going to watch something funny, then might try this project again.

Sending compassion!

This Fibromyalgia flare-up, mainly exhaustion, is starting to get me down. It limits my capacity immensely so I am missing out on a lot of life (catching up with people, being able to engage with life etc.). It is like every cell in my body is running on empty, and my brain is mush. This has been going on a month now so I am getting discouraged. In the past it has set in like this or worse and stayed for months on end. I do all I can to combat it; eat very healthy, meditate, force myself to push past the exhaustion to socialise to avoid being alone in my flat too much, and do 30 minutes of moderate exercise every second day. Plus take some supplements. I know my body is bearing the burden of the stress of decades of trauma and bipolar. I just don't know if it will recover. If it doesn't I feel my life is over. I am a very motivated person. A life of laying on the couch is not for me. So I push myself to keep up with errands etc, but not so much that I crash worse.

The physical exhaustion can be crippling, but it is the cognitive issues that cause me the most distress. Conversations can be challenging. I lose track, forget what is being said, and find my mind goes blank a lot. I am not depressed but this can be similar to the problems some people have when very depressed. I have to have hope that this is going to improve or I will drown in despair. Psychologically I am well thankfully. This helps me keep fighting.

Wander, I am sorry you are struggling with fibromyalgia. I hope that it improves soon. I am glad you hear you are doing well mentally.

I had a questionable test result and they called to schedule me for further testing. I said I could come in next Monday and they wanted to schedule me tomorrow. I’m a bit unnerved.

Otherwise, doing ok.

Warm regards to all and hugs to those that are struggling.

I'm scared. Several days ago N3 used his gf's prescription eye drops. Im not sure what they do except dialate your eyes. But his eye is still dilated a bit. So now I can't take him to the ER because they'll think a brain injury!! "Blown pupil" they'll say! I cant drag him to the doctor because he's over 18. Im not sure if he said yes to my being able to call for him at the dr in his file. I could TRY calling... I'm hoping he's right and the drops take a while to go back to normal. I know these can't be the same dilating drops you get at the eye doctor because those wear off after 2 or 3 hours. Help!

Moose, will he not agree to see a doctor? Could you call up a pharmacist and ask when you should be concerned about that? If they said see a doctor you could then let him know?

He is refusing to see our doctor or to let me talk to our doctor about him. (He's 18 so he has to allow whomever to be able to talk to the medical professionals about him.) I can try calling my pharmacy and his pharmacy and trying to ask.