Bipolar check-in #42

I, too, love reading physical books. You can see your progress, the feel of the paper, the knowlege that you're not going to run out of battery or have a computer glitch!

You are so thoughtful and so right! The answer was NO. Thank you for helping me reframe it.

I have several BP memoirs. My favorite so far is "Madness" by Marya Hornbacher which I reread recently, Second would be"Manic" by Terri Cheney which I'm in the middle of reading for the 2nd or 3rd time. I'm looking forward to "Electroboy." ETA: There's also "Haldol and Hyacinths" but I didn't like it much.

I forgot to pick up my meds today so I'll be late taking my morning dose on Monday after I pick them up.

My case manager called today and saidmy Medicaid needs renewed and we set a date for next week to do the paperwork. I really like her- both she and my last case mgr really have helped me and my poor brain navigate things like this.

Fantastic! How exciting!

Lamictal made me feel so normal it was almost good! I loved that stuff. No worries. Brain was even and ironed out. Too bad I gota weird purple rash on my face and had to quit. My pdoc even wrote up a report about it.

Feeling better today. Got up at a reasonable hour and had stuff to keep me busy. Don't even feel bad about missing that concert because ticket buying sounded insane today!! Did take a short nap this evening though and skipping workout. Had a little tummy ache after dinner, but it's settling. I'm not sure my point to all this. Twas an okay day maybe?

Lazing about on my couch on this sunny Saturday afternoon. The fatigue continues. I manage general errands, catching up with people, and general housework, but I feel exhausted all the time. Sometimes I get dizzy. A bad Fibromyalgia flare-up. It’s been bad since just after I came out of hospital a month ago. In three weeks university starts. I really hope I’m improving by then.

On Thursday I saw my pdoc. While we are both happy with my mental health in regards to Bipolar or PTSD, it is clear that I have cognitive problems. He thinks they are caused by a mixture of fibromyalgia and dissociation. In the past I was on Ritalin and responded very well to it without issue. It was stopped as my current Pdoc took away the ADD diagnosis when I started seeing him.

The regulations on prescribing stimulants to people with bipolar is very strict now. My pdoc wants me back on Ritalin to help with my fatigue and cognitive problems. I agree. It would really help me be more functional. A letter of recommendation from my pdoc, a letter from me detailing the benefits Ritalin had, and a letter of recommendation from my T are all required to then be assessed by the state medical board. I see him again in seven weeks. Hopefully he will have an answer from the board. With my history of psychosis it may be a reach, but it is worth trying as both pdoc and T don’t believe it will affect me that way based on my past.

Another day. They are having me work 20 hours a week, I come under the limit with SSDI. However, they do provide bonuses based on the store's profit goals. This will likely put me over the limit. Still, it is money that I did not work for. Also I was told at the SS office that the hours matter more than the amount of money. So I will call the SS information line Monday about this. Please oh please do not affect my SSDI! I have the next three days off. I need to watch how many calories I have each day. Any more weight, I will no longer fit into my clothes!

I have less paranoia so that is good.
bizi

I’m sorry. That’s a real shame. Lamictal has been a great med for me. You really don’t know it’s doing anything until you stop taking it. It works.

So far, I haven't felt the urge to pace since starting the propranolol, so that's good. I am not as hungry, though, and I think the med is suppressing my appetite quite a bit. I mean, I went out to breakfast with my parents and I hardly ate a thing. I felt like I ate less than an 8 year old child. Idk.

Mood is fine. I just feel slowed down and relaxed. Not sedated per se, but just slow.

My pdoc's assistant never gave me specific instructions on how to take the propranolol, so I had to call the pharmacist to get advice. I mean, the instructions said "twice a day as needed," but that doesn't mean anything. I take Ritalin 3x a day, the equivalent of every 4 hours. Turns out that propranolol is NOT supposed to be taken within 8-12 hrs of your last dose. Thank god I asked.

I'm happy to read of your relief, bluebicyle! I hope it lasts. I can't know your long-term experience, but mine has been great on propranolol. It doesn't give me any negative side effects and only does good. I'm also happy it's a small pill since my pill boxes are already pretty full.

I've called my pharmacist for similar things in the past. I like that they are quicker to reach.

I remember when I first started taking propranolol I was told to take it three times per day. I eventually negotiated it down to twice because I often forgot the afternoon dose. It's fine for me twice. I still take the same total daily dose as before, though.

Tonight I celebrate my Birthday with a party. My Birthday is on Tues and my Twin and I always have a party the weekend before or after depending what day it falls on for pur Birthday. Om looking forward to letting my hair down

I've had a tough week. I ended up in hospital on Wed and had a CT scan and they found a small lesion on my brain. I'm due to get an MRI soon. I have severely high BP, headaches, dizziness, feeling sick and I have pins and needles in my left thumb. They think i might need a lumbar puncture and to see a Neurologist. I'm pretty anxious/scared/worried. I was in hospital for 7.5 hours i thought they were going to keep me in. I'm away to be fitted with a BP home machine to measure my levels. So I see the nurse for this on Mon. I then go back to the nurse on Thurs and I follow that with a GP visit on Mon (10th).

So yeah have had a fun week

Hubby and I have been procrastinating introducing ourselves to (welcoming) our new neighbors. It's been far too long. I am sort of nervous when meeting new people. We were discussing what to do/bring. We decided that I will make a batch of vanilla crescent cookies for them and also bring a bottle of wine. I kind of hope we won't be invited in, but we might. I know sometimes you just have to "jump in the water" so to speak.

I believe these new neighbors are Chinese. I speak some Mandarin Chinese, though I am sure they speak good English. You'd think this would really excite me, but I get a little performance anxiety, as I mentioned in a post a few days ago. I've discussed this with my therapists in the past. It's not so much that I fear judgement from others as it is judgement from myself. Self-oriented selective perfectionist. I don't expect perfection from others, though. Not at all! It all goes back to my ballet days, I believe. Or maybe even a little before. I say "selective" because there are many things that I am OK with myself not doing well. The above issue is one of a number of reasons I struggle to get off of disability.

I'm no longer paranoid but my anxiety is through the roof. I'm in a much better mood so the lexapro is doing something. I'm getting my drawing books soon. I want to create my own line art to then digitally paint it. After breaking 3 hair brushes and a comb I finally found a detangaler that works for me. Now to find a hairbrush that doesn't break or just pet my head.

Another day. I have until Tuesday off from work. I will practice my piano. I am so happy I will be working 20 hours a week! Now I can start to pay my credit cards off. I have $11,000 on those cards. I want to begin to pay off my HELOC, which is at about $50,000. Maybe I will get rich soon? Nah. I doubt it.

I have taken an inventory on all that I own, and then subtracted by debt to discover my net worth, Almost all of it is in the equity of my house. A small part of it is in my three hobbies: photography, music synthesis, and firearms, including antique pistols. I do have some expensive kitchen tools and devices. Oh yes, there is my automobile. This is not good. No ready cash or easy to sell items. Maybe, despite my BP, that is why I still own them.

I am being really lazy today. I need to clean up the living room and wax the floors. I also need to clean up my car. I have to take the dog for a walk. Right now she is chasing my cat around the room, LOL Poor thing. Actually, the cat is not afraid of my large dog. Go figure. My 50 pound puppy thinks its still a lap dog. I need to train it better. Now my cat jumped up on the sofa and is combing my hair. Crazy animals.

I am stressed. I had to take my cat back to the vet for the same issue on Thursday. They recommended surgery. It was that or euthanize him. My son damn near burst into tears at the mere thought of it. So I agreed to the surgery, to the tune of $5000. I had to take out a loan to pay for it. I don’t know how I’m going to pay it back. I simply don’t make enough to pay all my bills. I did the calculations and with this added debt I am left with only $300 a month for gas, food, etc. RS makes significantly more than me and can help out by paying for groceries, etc, but I refuse to let him pay more. I am an independent woman and I had to take help from my grandmother for years when I was married because I was (unknowingly) funding my husband’s drug habit. When he died I became financially independent because I was able to save money on my own now that thousands of dollars wasn’t going to drugs. I even bought my own car for the first time in my life. But now, since I can’t teach anymore, I’ve had to take a significant pay cut.

I’m so frustrated with myself that I can’t teach anymore. But the mere thought of it sends me into a panic. I know I just can’t handle it mentally. So I have to stay in my low paying position in order to maintain sanity.

I’ve been looking for a second job but I can’t do that either. I don’t want to work weekends and can only work from six pm on during the week if I want dinner. Retail doesn’t pay enough. I can’t be out too late because then I won’t be able to get enough sleep. It’s just not feasible. So I’m going to have to do the best I can to budget and not spend any more money than I absolutely have to.

Sigh. Oh well. Nothing I can do. In two years my car will be paid off and that will be $350 off my shoulders. Plus I have all my w2 so I can get my taxes done. I should get a significant amount back because I make so little. That ought to keep me afloat for awhile.

I am sorry you are struggling, whatever. I never did understand all the hype around Lamictal. I don't think it ever did a damn thing for me at 400 mg and I had a serious side effect. Pretty worthless for me. Wellbutrin has been way, way more useful for me. Hope you feel better soon!!!!

Your state medical board tells doctors what they can and cannot prescribe?

My pdoc had me taking the propranolol three times a day.

wildchildflower, I am so sorry that your kitty is sick again. Did the vet give you any idea of how effective the surgery could be (and the risks)? It's good to know. My husband and I lost our young parrot last year at the avian vet and were left with a bill of over $1,000. It was a grief upon a grief, but at least the fee provided us with an answer as to what took our little bird boy.

I am so sorry you are dealing with all this stress, wildchildflower. I hope kitty cat is healed and recovered soon!!

Sleep is segmented now, for sure, so I am just sleeping when I can and not worrying about when that is. Last night, went down at 830 and woke up at 11, feeling much better than I had earlier in the day. Actually laughed a little at one of the entertainment shows, which was just lovely. Lay back down at 330 and slept a few hours. Got up and had to run to the store for a couple things. It is just raining so hard today that a ride is not going to happen, sadly. It is 1230 in the afternoon and as dark as night out there, Just yukko.

Anyhow, not psychotic or manic, I don't believe, so the new meds are helping on those fronts, I guess. Unfortunately, I am feeling very draggy and sad. A definite downturn. I guess it is very hard to balance all these things in my brain withou t tilting things to one side or the other. Hard to find the middle for me. Oh well. Gotta suck it up and carry on.

Going to try to do some activities/DBT stuff to see if I can cheer myself up a bit. Will work on my book as much as I am able and maybe watch one of my shows. Am sort of binge-watching The Blacklist, which I love. Maybe that will help me out.

Love and support to everyone!!!!