Bipolar check-in #43

Let him sleep there, if he has to work tomorrow let him figure it out on his own since he’s being a big ungrateful jerk !

And plus what I told you in PM

You and your dog had a fight ?

What makes you think this?

It could always the early rumblings of some kind of pre-mania or something. It has to start somewhere... But I hope not!!!!

Ah--to be young again...

Why would you say this?

So, the string of Incredible Consecutive Nights of Sleep has ended. Ovaaah!!!! Zero sleep tonight, as I write this, wide awake, at 0334 PST. Oh well, I was pretty sure it was waaaay too good to last.

On the plus side, I did get quite a lot done on the book yesterday. It is about 55,000 words now. I was initially thinking it was only going to be about 60,000, but now, it looks more like 80,000 is where I will end up. That's fine. The work I did yesterday was a bit triggering, as I had to discuss the time where one of the hospital psychiatrists lied in a hearing under oath (yes, it is true), thus, delaying my discharge by what turned out to be about another year or so. Lotta corruption there. Basically, sometimes people lie in order to keep patients in the hospital longer and, since there is really no oversight, nothing can really be done. Long story. She's an idiot.

Anyhow. since I am up, I am going to make good use of my time and go for an early ride. The weather has been spectacular here--clear and warm. It should be a nice morning for an early ride.

Hugs and love to all!!!!!

Maybe it is just a fluke day since you were triggered a bit. Hopefully the sleep will return.

That's great about the progress on the book. I've been writing as well. It keeps getting longer and longer. My husband wants to help me edit. He's in for a ride

I am so sorry that happened. I experienced versions of that while in IP and IOP. I heard patients talking about how they lie just to keep you longer and milk your insurance as it is essier than turning over the beds faster. They do this especially to easy and compliant patients. I thought maybe they were paranoid. Nope. At IOP I did 6 weeks and I had zero symptoms of mania, psychosis or depression the entire time. I was there to learn coping skills and begin to process what had happened.

They told me initially 6 weeks, so I let it play out even though I was learning nothing new after 4. At 6 weeks they told me 2 to 4 more weeks were required for me. They had just changed therapists and it was her recommendation. She added zero value to our sessions and had us doing worksheets we could Google for ourselves all day. I was furious. My husband was watching and teaching my kids while I was away and we couldn't aford for him to lose his job. I stormed the director's office and demanded a meeting with the pdoc, the therapist, the director, the nurse and my insurance rep and my family. I also requested all of my paperwork and session notes which would show I was fully participatory, on starter doses of only one med and asymptomatic, demonstrated understanding of the materials offered (so much so that they asked me to facilitate more than once) and that I was doing well at home. I wanted my insurance rep to hear all of that and then look me in the face and tell me that warranted 4 more weeks.

30 min later the nurse came in with my discharge paperwork. It made me angry and I wanted to expose them, but I needed to be home with my kids.

Thank you so very much for sharing your story. I think it is truly very important work you are doing.

And thank you very much for sharing your experience, fern. I am so sorry you had to go through all that. Fortunately, you were and are way, way more able than 99% of the population in your ability to advocate for yourself (and others). The real reason I am writing this book is for all the poor, uneducated, severely mentally ill patients I met in the system who are being taking advantage of because they do not even know it is occurring. This is the worst kind of abuse, in my view. Taking advantage of the most vulnerable people in our society.

Truth. We are all connected and offering all what we can clearly see is such a huge gift. My writing takes a different aim, but the essence is similar. I'm attempting to level an inverted and disturbed playing field that has been a cesspool of corruption for far too long. I'm not blaming anyone. I just want to offer some insight that will help whoever might want it have the rule book instead of only a select few.

Hi Christina. Three years to go from pixie cut to the length in your avatar photo seems quick, in my book. My hair takes forever to grow, except for my bangs, for some reason. The shortest hair that looks OK on me is a short bob. I have had shorter as a teen and couldn't pull it off. My hair is a bob now, but growing. It gets really big with my curls. Your suggestion about pulling it back wet is one I'll try. It does straighten a bit when I pull it back, but hubby says I look like a child, when I do. Not long ago, I went to my psychiatrist's office with it pulled back and he stared at me with an incredibly perplexed look, as if he didn't know me (I've known him for 14 years), and commented about it. I guess my curly hair is something people associate with me. When my hubby got home I mentioned this story. That's when he said the thing about me looking like a child with it back. He said it looks better down.

Your hair in your avatar photo is gorgeous!

I didn't know that about Zantac. Eek! I'll try something else. Last night was miserable. It definitely was heartburn and indigestion. As usual, I feel better in the morning and early afternoon.

I took the Latuda at night. My mood has been fine since stopping it. If there is withdrawal, it's only affecting me physically. I am vulnerable to indigestion/heartburn. Ever since my teen years. Maybe it is anxiety-related. Ativan helps, but I deliberately didn't take Ativan (a prn) last night. It usually starts around 5 pm, before hubby gets home. It has affected my desire to cook. Last night I ordered delivery. The night before just microwaved leftovers, that were a quick meal the day before that. I should prep dinner in the early afternoon, when I feel OK.

Hugs

bpcyclist, sorry you couldn't sleep last night, but hopefully fern is right that it was just a fluke. I am jealous that you are making some great progress on your book. Since mentioning my book progress I have had total writer's block. Have you already had your bike ride? Me? I'm still lazy in bed, and I am on the opposite coast from you, I think. Hubby and I do plan to walk along the canal after the post office. Coincidentally, he is mailing out a copy of a book he recently finished working on. His has nothing to do with mental illness.

I think, I THINK I am starting to feel better. The pink eye is gone after just two days of drops. My throat is no longer sore. I’m still having intense sinus pain in the middle of the night after the Sudafed has worn off but I’m hoping that will die down as I continue the antibiotics. I’m still completely exhausted too but I know it can take time to build up your energy after being sick for so long. I’m going to rest today and tomorrow and then hopefully by Monday I’ll be able to go to work and not want to die lol.

I personally think he's just lazy and doesn't want to deal with people. It's like in the old days where rich people had servants to give them a bath and wipe their own @sses. It's not that they couldn't wipe their own @ss. They just didn't want to, so they paid someone else to do it.

All I know is that it's a damn shame when doctors can't show basic respect or at least attempt to understand someone's situation when that person reaches out for help. But I guess... they're not the ones with the problem, right? It's not them who has to deal with it, so what do they care?

I have a love-hate relationship with my therapist, but she will at least return phone calls herself and offer "crisis" appointments at the end of her workday if needed. (So basically, she will offer to stay longer than normal in order to help a client in need.) My pdoc won't do that. But then again, what do you expect from a guy who won't even return phone calls himself

Can't wait to read it.

Wow--it's raining books! I have had writer's block at various times, too. I don't have a solution for it, so I just wait for it to pass. I am sure you will regain the desire to write at some point in the not too distant future.

Yes, I left for my ride at about 6 AM my time. I could only stay out for about 90 minutes because it is absolutely freezing cold here this morning. There was ice on the mutli-use path I ride, which was interesting and not especially safe.

I did not know there were canals in your state, but then, I am only really familiar with Bergen County. I had a good friend wh lived in Ridgewood and I spent a good deal of time there.

I hope you feel better this afternoon!!!

Glad you are feeling better, wfc. Interestingly, Sudafed is a prescription item in this state now. An anti-meth measure. Really a hassle for everyone with allergies and cold symptoms.

Pathetic!!

Grrrrrrr. I agree its a real shame when doctors can't or wont show basic respect, or attempt to understand when someone reaches out for help. This has happened to me more than a few times And in ''therapy'' too

He ended up walking home from her place last night in the dark. I don't think that's safe. See THIS is when he'll declare that he's an adult- when he does stupid shyt.

All this talk about writing books! I only have my blog and that's surely not a book. Its very choppy, but it gets my thoughts down at the time and that's all I really want it for. Still, I'd like to write a book. I've read so many bipolar memoirs lately though - they all start out with a big bang of a bad episode. My pdoc keeps me so medicated to the gills that I have never HAD a "big exciting" episode. Yeah, last May I had a manic episode, and I did write in my blog at the time, but she squashed it with a mountain of Seroquel. I know- I'm not saying I WANT my episodes to be bad, I'm just saying that I'm usually good about catching the episodes myself. Last May, not so much.

I just find myself reflecting on things. Since I've been stuck in this depressive episode for a long time now, it seems almost like it defines me, if that makes any sense. Also, lately I feel as if I need to be alone again. I wasn't isolating, but things weren't going well. Now, I feel the need to go back into my shell.

I re-start therapy next week with my last therapist, who I only had 2 sessions with and am not 100% comfortable with. I hope she meets me where I am at, because last time it felt like she was pushing me too far too soon. Certain things made me feel invalidated. I guess I need to be more vocal. I'm nervous about therapy, but it is better than the alternative (IOP, drastic med changes when I'm not ready to do so). Hopefully this will all pay off.

Blog writing is wonderful and therapeutic, Moose! I used to write daily in mine, but my writer's block slowed that down, too. It's lovely to attract followers and follow other blogs, isn't it? Blogs are a rich source of information, enjoyment, and other benefits.

My intended "memoir" of course includes stories about my bipolar episodes, but I am reluctant to call it a "bipolar memoir". I look at it as something more than that. Mine will include a collection of stories that I hope will seem like a journey. Hopefully an interesting one.

The memoirs I've read usually start out with a bang of an intense episode and then start with the author's childhood re: bipolar. Some are just a time line of each episode and/or hospitalization (like "Madness"by Marya Hornbacher) and some tie in other parts of their lives along with the bipolar aspect (like "Gorilla and the Bird"). Actually, Terri Cheney, author of "Manic", wrote a whole book about her childhood being bipolar called "The Dark Side of Innocence". So whatever your book turns out to be, I think I'd see it as a bipolar memoir- with an added bonus! (Like "Gorilla and the Bird").