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  #576  
Old Feb 22, 2020, 05:16 PM
Anonymous46341
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Originally Posted by Moose72 View Post
The memoirs I've read usually start out with a bang of an intense episode and then start with the author's childhood re: bipolar. Some are just a time line of each episode and/or hospitalization (like "Madness"by Marya Hornbacher) and some tie in other parts of their lives along with the bipolar aspect (like "Gorilla and the Bird"). Actually, Terri Cheney, author of "Manic", wrote a whole book about her childhood being bipolar called "The Dark Side of Innocence". So whatever your book turns out to be, I think I'd see it as a bipolar memoir- with an added bonus! (Like "Gorilla and the Bird").
Hi Moose. I guess if the only reason a person would read such a memoir is because it includes stories/mentions of bipolar, then it could be a "bipolar memoir" to them. But if other people read such a book for the pleasure of good storytelling and a life journey, then it need not be.
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  #577  
Old Feb 22, 2020, 05:16 PM
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All this talk about writing books! I only have my blog and that's surely not a book. Its very choppy, but it gets my thoughts down at the time and that's all I really want it for. Still, I'd like to write a book. I've read so many bipolar memoirs lately though - they all start out with a big bang of a bad episode. My pdoc keeps me so medicated to the gills that I have never HAD a "big exciting" episode. Yeah, last May I had a manic episode, and I did write in my blog at the time, but she squashed it with a mountain of Seroquel. I know- I'm not saying I WANT my episodes to be bad, I'm just saying that I'm usually good about catching the episodes myself. Last May, not so much.
I am very grateful for you that you have never had to deal with one of these mega-disasters that destroy our lives--sometimes, forever.
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  #578  
Old Feb 22, 2020, 06:01 PM
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Originally Posted by bpcyclist View Post
I am very grateful for you that you have never had to deal with one of these mega-disasters that destroy our lives--sometimes, forever.

I am grateful too! I've almost lost friends with my manic thoughts and flights of ideas.
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  #579  
Old Feb 22, 2020, 08:42 PM
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I’ve been pretty well the past couple of days. A little irritability and anger, but I’ve been able to hold it off. This is something that I’ve had trouble with.

I am experiencing a side effect from one of my meds. I’m going to wait a week more and see if it gets up. I mean it lets up. Bipolar check-in #43
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  #580  
Old Feb 23, 2020, 12:01 AM
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Today the weather continued to improve and so did i. I got in a shower right off and got out to enjoy the sunshine. Two more nice days on the way! Scrabble started out well with some good studying and an advanced play, EULOGIAE, quite unusual for me to make such a clever play. So i was pleased with that. Then i got two stinker games and decided i hated Scrabble. It can be terrific but then again it can be pretty darn awful. But then i watched some animated fractal videos and felt better. I like "Morphy's World" by Authur Sammet the best. It's really science-fiction-y.

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  #581  
Old Feb 23, 2020, 01:50 AM
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i'm okay. feeling a little mixed about how this party went...self conscious about a couple of things...but it was ok. i'm tired tho. parties wear me out!
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  #582  
Old Feb 23, 2020, 02:04 AM
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Originally Posted by whatever2013 View Post
Today the weather continued to improve and so did i. I got in a shower right off and got out to enjoy the sunshine. Two more nice days on the way! Scrabble started out well with some good studying and an advanced play, EULOGIAE, quite unusual for me to make such a clever play. So i was pleased with that. Then i got two stinker games and decided i hated Scrabble. It can be terrific but then again it can be pretty darn awful. But then i watched some animated fractal videos and felt better. I like "Morphy's World" by Authur Sammet the best. It's really science-fiction-y.

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Holy cow!! That is some kind of word!! I am impressed!
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  #583  
Old Feb 23, 2020, 02:12 AM
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Lay down and tried to sleep at about 9 but it was a total no-go. It's fine. I'm up. Will try to be productive and sleep when I need to. Have had lots of practice with that these past months!! Don't really think I am getting breakthrough mania per se, though am a bit revved and amped, if I am being honest. Will need to keep an eye on it. Don't want to get psychotic again. Just hate that.

This illness is so weird and so sneaky and so cunning. It lulls me into thinking that things weren't really as bad as they actually, in fact, were, when I am feeling better. Well, guess what? They were that bad! It tries to trick me into letting my guard down. There seems to be this issue of sort of losing touch with the memory of my pain, (as I feel better) at play. It's strange. Need to be on guard. This is why people decide to stop all their meds or start drinking again or whatever. They think they're cured. I know I will never be cured. Not to worry.

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  #584  
Old Feb 23, 2020, 05:06 AM
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Originally Posted by BirdDancer View Post
Hi Christina. Three years to go from pixie cut to the length in your avatar photo seems quick, in my book. My hair takes forever to grow, except for my bangs, for some reason. The shortest hair that looks OK on me is a short bob. I have had shorter as a teen and couldn't pull it off. My hair is a bob now, but growing. It gets really big with my curls. Your suggestion about pulling it back wet is one I'll try. It does straighten a bit when I pull it back, but hubby says I look like a child, when I do. Not long ago, I went to my psychiatrist's office with it pulled back and he stared at me with an incredibly perplexed look, as if he didn't know me (I've known him for 14 years), and commented about it. I guess my curly hair is something people associate with me. When my hubby got home I mentioned this story. That's when he said the thing about me looking like a child with it back. He said it looks better down.


Your hair in your avatar photo is gorgeous!


Thanks! Yes my hair has grown quickly. I usually keep mine up in a clip while at home , It drives me nuts hanging in my face LOL .. but I always let it down if I go out..
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  #585  
Old Feb 23, 2020, 05:10 AM
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Originally Posted by bluebicycle View Post
I personally think he's just lazy and doesn't want to deal with people. It's like in the old days where rich people had servants to give them a bath and wipe their own @sses. It's not that they couldn't wipe their own @ss. They just didn't want to, so they paid someone else to do it.


All I know is that it's a damn shame when doctors can't show basic respect or at least attempt to understand someone's situation when that person reaches out for help. But I guess... they're not the ones with the problem, right? It's not them who has to deal with it, so what do they care?


I have a love-hate relationship with my therapist, but she will at least return phone calls herself and offer "crisis" appointments at the end of her workday if needed. (So basically, she will offer to stay longer than normal in order to help a client in need.) My pdoc won't do that. But then again, what do you expect from a guy who won't even return phone calls himself


Yep your completely right on with how some providers are. Terrible way to treat a fellow human being.
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  #586  
Old Feb 23, 2020, 09:21 AM
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I haven`t been sleeping well. I either wake up several times a night or the nightmares wake me up. I need meds to sleep and they haven`t been helping much. I woke up at 3 in the morning today. I feel so exhausted.
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  #587  
Old Feb 23, 2020, 01:24 PM
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I've had a decent couple of days. Finally out of a dark spot mentally, and able to enjoy life. I feel much more energized and like things are going to be okay, but have some background ruminating thoughts about the past. My SO left today, but we had a nice weekend. Today I already went to the gym and grocery store, and have meals planned for the week. I also made some plans for the gym tomorrow as well. I am keeping the mood journal, but right now just writing it down on a piece of paper. I am looking for a good chart to fill out where I can add details about what's going on in my life. If anyone knows of a good one, please feel free to share.
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  #588  
Old Feb 23, 2020, 01:48 PM
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I'm listening to a CD of a choir I was in years ago. This recording was made in 2001 when I was about 5 months pregnant with N3. I have a solo. More than that, I can hear myself on the tracks and remember what my singing voice was like back then- hearing the nuances of the phrases. My voice is nowhere near that way anymore, except that I still sound the same when I speak.
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  #589  
Old Feb 23, 2020, 02:39 PM
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Originally Posted by VerMOZZica View Post
I haven`t been sleeping well. I either wake up several times a night or the nightmares wake me up. I need meds to sleep and they haven`t been helping much. I woke up at 3 in the morning today. I feel so exhausted.
I am sorry you are dealing with these nightmares, VerMOZZica. Do you get these frequently?
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  #590  
Old Feb 23, 2020, 04:05 PM
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Originally Posted by Moose72 View Post
I'm listening to a CD of a choir I was in years ago. This recording was made in 2001 when I was about 5 months pregnant with N3. I have a solo. More than that, I can hear myself on the tracks and remember what my singing voice was like back then- hearing the nuances of the phrases. My voice is nowhere near that way anymore, except that I still sound the same when I speak.
Why isn't your voice that way anymore? Did you get vocal chord damage?
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  #591  
Old Feb 23, 2020, 04:15 PM
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Originally Posted by bluebicycle View Post
Why isn't your voice that way anymore? Did you get vocal chord damage?

One of my vocal cords is paralyzed. Who knows how long its been that way. But more than that, I've lost my upper register. I can only sing up to about an A above middle C. I can sometimes sing in a strange falsetto that works, but nothing near as well as I could back when that recording was made. I just changed my name under my avatar to "Silver Swan" because there is a famous song with the lyrics, "The silver swan, who living had no note." That's what I feel like a lot.
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  #592  
Old Feb 23, 2020, 04:33 PM
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I'm questioning my diagnosis again. It's a bit complicated, but... I have been on rexulti for 3 years (give or take) and have not had a manic episode that I can remember. Normally, one would think, "great, that means the med is working!" but rexulti isn't approved for treating mania, so that means either my low dose of lamictal (200mg) is preventing mania, or I don't have a BP diagnosis. Plus, I'm feeling fine off rexulti. No anxiety today, unlike yesterday.

I kinda wonder if I just have ADHD, and that ADHD causes my depression/anxiety. My therapist says I've been "manic," but now I just think that was my ADHD showing through (since my ADHD is normally masked by depression, and I guess I wasn't depressed for once...?). I can't recall any elevated mood states.

I don't know what I'm saying. I think I just want off these meds altogether and to just take ritalin. No more Zoloft, no more lamictal, and no more rexulti (well, I'm not taking it anymore, but you know what I mean). I fail to see what any of those meds do except for ritalin.
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  #593  
Old Feb 23, 2020, 04:34 PM
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Originally Posted by Moose72 View Post
One of my vocal cords is paralyzed. Who knows how long its been that way. But more than that, I've lost my upper register. I can only sing up to about an A above middle C. I can sometimes sing in a strange falsetto that works, but nothing near as well as I could back when that recording was made. I just changed my name under my avatar to "Silver Swan" because there is a famous song with the lyrics, "The silver swan, who living had no note." That's what I feel like a lot.
I see. Sorry to hear that one of your vocal cords is paralyzed. I'm glad you're able to revisit your old recordings, though. It must be nice.
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  #594  
Old Feb 23, 2020, 04:44 PM
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Originally Posted by bluebicycle View Post
I see. Sorry to hear that one of your vocal cords is paralyzed. I'm glad you're able to revisit your old recordings, though. It must be nice.

The vocal cord being paralyzed shouldn't hurt much, actually. Still, it would be nice to have both functioning. That's why you have two of a lot of body parts- one goes out you still have the other.


It is nice to revisit the old recordings. I miss that choir.
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  #595  
Old Feb 23, 2020, 05:31 PM
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Well, I am once again spending money that I do not have. There is this antique pistol that for the money is in outstanding condition. It is rare. So this is what I told myself when I decided to take a maximum cash advance on a new credit card. This will cost me allot in fees, and then there is the 30 percent interest rate. However, I am selling some stuff that will pay off most of this. Income from my job should take care of the rest. So I should be able to pay it off in a couple months. So there will be allot of ham sandwiches and beans for my meals. Yes, I am crazy.

I am watching a movie called "Meteor". Next, I will walk my dog. I will also pick up a couple hotdogs at the gas station nearby to me. Then I will clean my house some. I have to be in to work by 11:00 AM for a five hour day, which is tolerable.
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  #596  
Old Feb 23, 2020, 05:39 PM
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Originally Posted by bluebicycle View Post
I'm questioning my diagnosis again. It's a bit complicated, but... I have been on rexulti for 3 years (give or take) and have not had a manic episode that I can remember. Normally, one would think, "great, that means the med is working!" but rexulti isn't approved for treating mania, so that means either my low dose of lamictal (200mg) is preventing mania, or I don't have a BP diagnosis. Plus, I'm feeling fine off rexulti. No anxiety today, unlike yesterday.

I kinda wonder if I just have ADHD, and that ADHD causes my depression/anxiety. My therapist says I've been "manic," but now I just think that was my ADHD showing through (since my ADHD is normally masked by depression, and I guess I wasn't depressed for once...?). I can't recall any elevated mood states.

I don't know what I'm saying. I think I just want off these meds altogether and to just take ritalin. No more Zoloft, no more lamictal, and no more rexulti (well, I'm not taking it anymore, but you know what I mean). I fail to see what any of those meds do except for ritalin.
Hmmmm, I remember you thinking this before. It didn't go well. Sometimes we don't know exactly what our meds are doing to help. Also, I don't think that just because a me isn't specifically indicated for a given symptom that it doesn't work on it. Like (don't know if still, but it used to be) that Lamictal wasn't indicated for BP 2, even though it works very well for that. Also, for instance, that anti-psychotic isn't only effective for psychosis.
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  #597  
Old Feb 23, 2020, 05:44 PM
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@Tucson Be careful! My ex husband got into cash advances and high interest rates and eventually couldn't pay anything back. And get a pack of Kraft cheese slices and some bread and butter- grilled cheese is yummy! (I say that because N3 just went upstairs with one. ) Even better! Add ketchup on the side to dunk! Voila. A gourmet meal for cheap. Cleaning is a good idea. I'm not doing any of it today. The dishes need doing, too, but they aren't that bad at the moment. Maybe a good project for tomorrow. I'm kinda addicted to PC boards tonight.
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  #598  
Old Feb 23, 2020, 05:56 PM
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QUESTION:

I see pdoc on Friday. What, if anything, do you think I should bring up with her, based on my posts lately? I went down on Seroquel but I raised it again so that hardly seems worth mentioning. I'm feeling a bit "posty" tonight- posting a lot on PC. Its the only forum I'm on. Pdoc always asks me what my friends think of how I'm acting so here's your chance- tell me what you think of me lately so I can tell pdoc.
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  #599  
Old Feb 23, 2020, 06:11 PM
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Bluebicycle, I also recall this train of thought in the past, and agree it didn't seem to go well. Besides the side effects, the AP did seem to help in some ways it seemed? Did you find that was the case? Whatever your actual diagnosis, I hope at your appointment tomorrow you can explain everything and your psychiatrist will take you seriously and find something that can really help you without the side effects.
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  #600  
Old Feb 23, 2020, 06:49 PM
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Originally Posted by bluebicycle View Post
I'm questioning my diagnosis again. It's a bit complicated, but... I have been on rexulti for 3 years (give or take) and have not had a manic episode that I can remember. Normally, one would think, "great, that means the med is working!" but rexulti isn't approved for treating mania, so that means either my low dose of lamictal (200mg) is preventing mania, or I don't have a BP diagnosis. Plus, I'm feeling fine off rexulti. No anxiety today, unlike yesterday.

I kinda wonder if I just have ADHD, and that ADHD causes my depression/anxiety. My therapist says I've been "manic," but now I just think that was my ADHD showing through (since my ADHD is normally masked by depression, and I guess I wasn't depressed for once...?). I can't recall any elevated mood states.

I don't know what I'm saying. I think I just want off these meds altogether and to just take ritalin. No more Zoloft, no more lamictal, and no more rexulti (well, I'm not taking it anymore, but you know what I mean). I fail to see what any of those meds do except for ritalin.
You were manic a few months back. You were experiencing rapid speech and your thoughts were jumbled. You were unable to concentrate at work and got behind on your assignments. You had a ton of ideas and tasks that you wanted to pursue, but you couldn't focus. You were displaying very risky driving behavior and at one point you weren't eating because you didn't have food and were afraid to shop. Several of us recognized the symptoms as manic and encouraged you to get help. I believe your therapist also agreed the behavior was manic.

You have also had several bouts with paranoia and delusions. I am not diagnosing you, but all of these behaviors are not caused by your meds and they are symptomatic of something other than ADHD. I am glad the anxiety has lessened today. That is great, but you need to experience true stability for a period of months and perhaps even years before you could know one way or the other. For example, I've been med free and stable since September, but I'm still not in the clear.

Think on this a bit more Blue. Go back through your post history if you need to see it.
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