Bipolar check-in #43

Hi Moose. I guess if the only reason a person would read such a memoir is because it includes stories/mentions of bipolar, then it could be a "bipolar memoir" to them. But if other people read such a book for the pleasure of good storytelling and a life journey, then it need not be.

I am very grateful for you that you have never had to deal with one of these mega-disasters that destroy our lives--sometimes, forever.

I am grateful too! I've almost lost friends with my manic thoughts and flights of ideas.

I’ve been pretty well the past couple of days. A little irritability and anger, but I’ve been able to hold it off. This is something that I’ve had trouble with.

I am experiencing a side effect from one of my meds. I’m going to wait a week more and see if it gets up. I mean it lets up.

Today the weather continued to improve and so did i. I got in a shower right off and got out to enjoy the sunshine. Two more nice days on the way! Scrabble started out well with some good studying and an advanced play, EULOGIAE, quite unusual for me to make such a clever play. So i was pleased with that. Then i got two stinker games and decided i hated Scrabble. It can be terrific but then again it can be pretty darn awful. But then i watched some animated fractal videos and felt better. I like "Morphy's World" by Authur Sammet the best. It's really science-fiction-y.

Hugs to all who need them!

i'm okay. feeling a little mixed about how this party went...self conscious about a couple of things...but it was ok. i'm tired tho. parties wear me out!

Holy cow!! That is some kind of word!! I am impressed!

Lay down and tried to sleep at about 9 but it was a total no-go. It's fine. I'm up. Will try to be productive and sleep when I need to. Have had lots of practice with that these past months!! Don't really think I am getting breakthrough mania per se, though am a bit revved and amped, if I am being honest. Will need to keep an eye on it. Don't want to get psychotic again. Just hate that.

This illness is so weird and so sneaky and so cunning. It lulls me into thinking that things weren't really as bad as they actually, in fact, were, when I am feeling better. Well, guess what? They were that bad! It tries to trick me into letting my guard down. There seems to be this issue of sort of losing touch with the memory of my pain, (as I feel better) at play. It's strange. Need to be on guard. This is why people decide to stop all their meds or start drinking again or whatever. They think they're cured. I know I will never be cured. Not to worry.

Hugs and love to all!!!!

Thanks! Yes my hair has grown quickly. I usually keep mine up in a clip while at home , It drives me nuts hanging in my face LOL .. but I always let it down if I go out..

Yep your completely right on with how some providers are. Terrible way to treat a fellow human being.

I haven`t been sleeping well. I either wake up several times a night or the nightmares wake me up. I need meds to sleep and they haven`t been helping much. I woke up at 3 in the morning today. I feel so exhausted.

I've had a decent couple of days. Finally out of a dark spot mentally, and able to enjoy life. I feel much more energized and like things are going to be okay, but have some background ruminating thoughts about the past. My SO left today, but we had a nice weekend. Today I already went to the gym and grocery store, and have meals planned for the week. I also made some plans for the gym tomorrow as well. I am keeping the mood journal, but right now just writing it down on a piece of paper. I am looking for a good chart to fill out where I can add details about what's going on in my life. If anyone knows of a good one, please feel free to share.

I'm listening to a CD of a choir I was in years ago. This recording was made in 2001 when I was about 5 months pregnant with N3. I have a solo. More than that, I can hear myself on the tracks and remember what my singing voice was like back then- hearing the nuances of the phrases. My voice is nowhere near that way anymore, except that I still sound the same when I speak.

I am sorry you are dealing with these nightmares, VerMOZZica. Do you get these frequently?

Why isn't your voice that way anymore? Did you get vocal chord damage?

One of my vocal cords is paralyzed. Who knows how long its been that way. But more than that, I've lost my upper register. I can only sing up to about an A above middle C. I can sometimes sing in a strange falsetto that works, but nothing near as well as I could back when that recording was made. I just changed my name under my avatar to "Silver Swan" because there is a famous song with the lyrics, "The silver swan, who living had no note." That's what I feel like a lot.

I'm questioning my diagnosis again. It's a bit complicated, but... I have been on rexulti for 3 years (give or take) and have not had a manic episode that I can remember. Normally, one would think, "great, that means the med is working!" but rexulti isn't approved for treating mania, so that means either my low dose of lamictal (200mg) is preventing mania, or I don't have a BP diagnosis. Plus, I'm feeling fine off rexulti. No anxiety today, unlike yesterday.

I kinda wonder if I just have ADHD, and that ADHD causes my depression/anxiety. My therapist says I've been "manic," but now I just think that was my ADHD showing through (since my ADHD is normally masked by depression, and I guess I wasn't depressed for once...?). I can't recall any elevated mood states.

I don't know what I'm saying. I think I just want off these meds altogether and to just take ritalin. No more Zoloft, no more lamictal, and no more rexulti (well, I'm not taking it anymore, but you know what I mean). I fail to see what any of those meds do except for ritalin.

I see. Sorry to hear that one of your vocal cords is paralyzed. I'm glad you're able to revisit your old recordings, though. It must be nice.

The vocal cord being paralyzed shouldn't hurt much, actually. Still, it would be nice to have both functioning. That's why you have two of a lot of body parts- one goes out you still have the other.


It is nice to revisit the old recordings. I miss that choir.

Well, I am once again spending money that I do not have. There is this antique pistol that for the money is in outstanding condition. It is rare. So this is what I told myself when I decided to take a maximum cash advance on a new credit card. This will cost me allot in fees, and then there is the 30 percent interest rate. However, I am selling some stuff that will pay off most of this. Income from my job should take care of the rest. So I should be able to pay it off in a couple months. So there will be allot of ham sandwiches and beans for my meals. Yes, I am crazy.

I am watching a movie called "Meteor". Next, I will walk my dog. I will also pick up a couple hotdogs at the gas station nearby to me. Then I will clean my house some. I have to be in to work by 11:00 AM for a five hour day, which is tolerable.

Hmmmm, I remember you thinking this before. It didn't go well. Sometimes we don't know exactly what our meds are doing to help. Also, I don't think that just because a me isn't specifically indicated for a given symptom that it doesn't work on it. Like (don't know if still, but it used to be) that Lamictal wasn't indicated for BP 2, even though it works very well for that. Also, for instance, that anti-psychotic isn't only effective for psychosis.

@Tucson Be careful! My ex husband got into cash advances and high interest rates and eventually couldn't pay anything back. And get a pack of Kraft cheese slices and some bread and butter- grilled cheese is yummy! (I say that because N3 just went upstairs with one. ) Even better! Add ketchup on the side to dunk! Voila. A gourmet meal for cheap. Cleaning is a good idea. I'm not doing any of it today. The dishes need doing, too, but they aren't that bad at the moment. Maybe a good project for tomorrow. I'm kinda addicted to PC boards tonight.

QUESTION:

I see pdoc on Friday. What, if anything, do you think I should bring up with her, based on my posts lately? I went down on Seroquel but I raised it again so that hardly seems worth mentioning. I'm feeling a bit "posty" tonight- posting a lot on PC. Its the only forum I'm on. Pdoc always asks me what my friends think of how I'm acting so here's your chance- tell me what you think of me lately so I can tell pdoc.

Bluebicycle, I also recall this train of thought in the past, and agree it didn't seem to go well. Besides the side effects, the AP did seem to help in some ways it seemed? Did you find that was the case? Whatever your actual diagnosis, I hope at your appointment tomorrow you can explain everything and your psychiatrist will take you seriously and find something that can really help you without the side effects.

You were manic a few months back. You were experiencing rapid speech and your thoughts were jumbled. You were unable to concentrate at work and got behind on your assignments. You had a ton of ideas and tasks that you wanted to pursue, but you couldn't focus. You were displaying very risky driving behavior and at one point you weren't eating because you didn't have food and were afraid to shop. Several of us recognized the symptoms as manic and encouraged you to get help. I believe your therapist also agreed the behavior was manic.

You have also had several bouts with paranoia and delusions. I am not diagnosing you, but all of these behaviors are not caused by your meds and they are symptomatic of something other than ADHD. I am glad the anxiety has lessened today. That is great, but you need to experience true stability for a period of months and perhaps even years before you could know one way or the other. For example, I've been med free and stable since September, but I'm still not in the clear.

Think on this a bit more Blue. Go back through your post history if you need to see it.