Bipolar check-in #43

That's great Whatever 2013! Was this a first visit?

Thank you

Thank you

(((((( Christina ))))))

Love you more than words. Praying for you. It's my pleasure to support you through very difficult times.

A warm hello to all,

I have been plugging along. Not much to say.

Trying to cope with many injuries from a fall down a long staircase on Sunday. Two black eyes from multiple blows too the head. Trying to get around on crutches.
Days 2 and 3 (today) have been much more difficult than day 1.

I am very lucky in that I have no broken bones .

Love to All!

Panda

I go back to work today. I shouldn’t complain since I’ve had so many days off (3 days). I went to HR and got papers filled out to maybe get accommodations for my anxiety. It’s a risky move because I feel I already have a stigma, but I just don’t think I can handle this job. I’m trying with all my might to do it, but it’s hard. I’m nervous now just thinking about it. The Klonopin doesn’t seem to help. I don’t notice any difference in my anxiety level when I take it, so that was a bust. It was my lifeline, my last resort. I was hoping to have a meeting with HR before I went back to work (I was off my scheduled days) but I haven’t heard from back from her. It is what it is I guess.
When you just inherently don’t feel right, what do you do? These last few days I can’t sit, sleep, eat, or do anything and feel comfortable. I find myself pacing just wishing one activity would feel “relaxing”. I am not doing well with it. My therapist I think is running out of things to help me. His last message to me was basically “keep on truckin’!’ – Ok, so I simplified a little too much. Essentially it was as long as I’m putting one foot in front of the other I’m moving forward, and that’s a plus.

I’m afraid of the repercussions at home for quitting, but I don’t know how much longer I can torture myself with this work. I just want to cry thinking about it. Not contributing to my own needs is a burden on everyone else. I just want to curl up in a ball and stay in a dark place away from everyone.
All of you are very kind to read these messages and give support. I appreciate that. Sometimes it’s just nice to know you’re being heard by someone.

Oh no! That's awful WC... you're right it could have been worse. It sounds like you're taking care of yourself. I hope your Mom can help you in some way.

Oh my! I'm so sorry you were injured. Stairs can be dangerous! I'm glad you didn't break a bone. Did you go to the doctor? Given your head blows, please be certain you didn't get a concussion.

Yesterday I took some prn Seroquel regular on top of my usual meds, to kind of tone done my growing upswing. The night before that I had taken prn Ativan to help with sleep. In both cases, the prns helped achieve the desired effects. This morning I feel quite level in mood, but have a sinus headache. The headache isn't that bad.

When I saw my therapist yesterday she wanted me to call my psychiatrist when I got home. I decided not to. I'm glad I didn't considering this morning. I see my psychiatrist this afternoon. I will tell him about my mild upswing, but am hoping I won't have a medication increase.

I've been overeating lately. It is like self-medication. I had actually started to drink double the amount of wine/beer as usual, which nowadays isn't that much, but it is too much for me and on my medications. Last night I didn't drink anything but water, coffee, and orange juice. I'll try to stick to this for a while.

I will keep Tennessee and you in my thoughts. Sending healing purple vibes to both.

Ohhh, sending you some purple healing vibes too. Like well wishes they never run out. The more you give the more you have to give.

Christina, that sounds so scary. Everything you mentioned! The tornado makes the current status of the COVID-19 in the US seem like nothing. I hope the people are found OK.

I'm glad you are soon seeing your T. I know that he is very helpful for you.

Love and healing vibes to all

Panda

~ Christina

@BeyondtheRainbow:

Yes, this was a first appointment. I really lucked out, the woman was terrific! I learned some excellent skills which will keep me busy for a while. She taught me grounding and visualization -- things i heard about, but didn't take seriously until they were explained by a live human in context -- so much more compelling than just reading about them. I was also really vulnerable to learning the methods as i had cried about my anguish over Scrabble which we didn't actually talk about, just strategies for managing my depression. I snapped to a visualization which i really love and it is indoors and far from the beach!

Anyways, i'm just pleased as punch that my reach out for help was met with success as i've had so many failures. I feel really good!

Pissed off, but that's nothing new.

I did sleep a lot from taking tons of klonopin, so at least I had *some* relief, even if it was only temporary.

So far, it seems that my pdoc and therapist don't care or don't take this seriously. No response from either of them. I didn't even want to bother calling my pdoc because of his stupid assistant, but my therapist is non-responsive today.

I think I dented a wall in my apartment from slamming my fist so hard on it. This rage never ends.

All I want is help, and no one responds (except you guys). I am not depressed, but I feel hopeless when no one is helping me. I don't want to hurt myself or others, but evidently that isn't going well.

I am also pissed off today too. Life or so much of it sucks

hugs to all

Oh, Christina!!!!! Many, many hugs and much love your way!!!!! Kind of at a loss for words...

I'm happy for you too. It is nice when we can connect with someone and feel like they have assisted us in practical ways that resonate with our learning style. Thanks for sharing your experience.

Oh no!! Did I miss this? Many healing vibes headed your way!!!!!

Thanks for the good report, whatever! Always a pleasure to read.

(My visualization -- or happy place as I call it -- is far from the beach too! )

Currently in the ER. I have been having dizziness, lightheaded ness, and a racing heart for three days now. I could not get an appt with a dr without taking off work. I could have had one tomorrow at five, but I had to check and make sure RS could cancel his chiropractor appt before I could take it so I said I’d call them back and when I did (literally three minutes later) the phones were closed. RS convinced me to go to the hospital. I do not want to be here. My son had to come too and I am worried about him getting sick. I told him to use lots of hand sanitizer.

I’ve been thinking that the racing heart was due to anxiety but I have no other symptoms of anxiety and klonopin does not help. When I went to the dr a couple of weeks ago for the sinus infection my pulse was 119 and my ekg showed an abnormality, so I made a cardiologist appt, but it’s not until April 17.

So I guess it’s better to get it checked out and be told I’m fine than ignore it and have it be something. I just hate waiting. Nothing annoys me more.

I'm so sorry you feel so ill, wildchildflower! I hope the ER visit gets you quick and proper help and relief. I know ERs can be pretty miserable, but necessary. It's terrible that we often have to wait so long for outpatient doctor care.

I'm missing my cats like crazy other than that I'm still feeling low and also super irritable/slightly paranoid. Today is my last day of tapering off paxil and abilify, I start the vraylar and zoloft tomorrow. Thankfully, I've taken them at different times in the past and they've both helped me, so I'm hoping they help me this time and hopefully don't have any bad side effects or interactions with my other meds.

I'm having a hard time making myself eat enough lately (in recovery from eating disorder). Anyway, I realized I was slipping with it again so I'm trying to get back on track with that.

hoping things get better

I just got home from my pdoc appointment. His advice was a little unexpected. I told him about this past week and how tdoc wanted me to call him yesterday, but I didn't. Today, unlike the last week, I feel pretty stable, but either he didn't think so, or he is just concerned that my mood upswing could start up again since I have a history of mania in the spring (or spring-like weather, which it is.) I told him that I took prn 50 mg Seroquel iR yesterday, on top of my usual 600 mg Seroquel XR dose, etc. I also said I took 1 mg Ativan the night before, with my evening cocktail, to help me sleep, and it did. I think these prns and my morning headache leveled me out today. Nevertheless, he told me to keep taking 50 mg Seroquel iR at 1 pm for a while. He did not adjust my 600 mg Seroquel XR, which is his usual strategy.

He is so naughty sometimes. I forget the lead up, but he said something that seemed to imply that my European husband likely has better taste in wine than I do. In response, I asked him if that was what he was implying and told him not to belittle Americans' tastes...or at least mine. I reminded him that I am a very tough food critic and pretty knowledgeable about food-wine pairings. He can be such a snob thinking everything European is better. He's not a European either. He's from Dallas area in Texas, originally. He, like me, has a European spouse. I hope he wasn't implying that men have better taste in wine than women. In any case, he sort of apologized after I scolded him. I've had to scold him many times for similar bologny. I adore him, but he's sometimes an old fart. Perhaps not many other patients can get away with this. I've known him for 14 years. Plus, he adores me, too.

When I got home, I attempted to take the Seroquel iR, but somehow I accidentally locked the safe I keep them in. I don't know the combination. He seems to have forgotten, too. I'm sure he has it somewhere. I think he only told me the combination once, years ago, but I've forgotten it. Originally, my medications were kept there for "safety" reasons. He would only unlock it on the day I filled my weekly boxes. That issue is not relevant anymore. Anyway, if he ran off and left me alone (which he wouldn't), I'd need a safecracker to get the sucker open. All of my medications are in there. Yeah, I know. Only I'm laughing.