[SorryShaped]

Last Monday felt it pop and drove myself to the hospital. After major surgery on my bowels, I woke up Tuesday with about 60 staples in me and a colostomy bag attached. The surgeon had removed about a foot of colon. The colostomy is reversible, in about six to eight more weeks, or about the same time I've recovered from this surgery. I'm on pain meds but they only marginally work. The first antibiotics they tried me on caused a rash on my entire body. I still get itchy.
I get tired in two minutes of walking, where I used to walk hours and workout two solid hours plus with no I'll effects.
I'm going to try to get in to my therapist tomorrow, if my friend will drive me. I'm not at terms with this at all. I pretend and tell people I'm ok but a lot of the time I wish I'd died.
I know I need to be grateful to be alive, and a piece of me is but mostly I want to end the pain.

[bpcyclist]

Why on earth would you ever say that anyone would wish you had died? That is terrible talk. Terrible.

You have been through a huge operation and a huge ordeal. It is going to take time to get your strength back. Don't rush it. Take your time. It will come.

If your pain meds aren't working, you need to tell your surgeon. You should not be hurting as much as it sounds like you are. There is better pain control available--trust me. But they can't help you if they don't know what is going on.

Sending you strength and support. You can get through this. I hope you feel better soon!!!!

[SorryShaped]

The terrible talk is me, talking to me. I'm not accepting this well.
I really think hospitals should have psychologists make daily rounds

[fern46]

I'm sorry this has happened. Your new path is unexpected and difficult to traverse. I imagine it will take quite some time to accept. Be easy on yourself throughout that process.

Your new adventure holds the promise of good things if you're willing to allow them to come forward. There's always something of value to be found. Hold faith in that. The alternative belief that your unworthy of life or any sort of quality of life is a road to nowhere.

I am hopeful the pain of your recovery will ease soon. I also hope the therapist appointment will work out tomorrow.

[Wild Coyote]

I'm sorry you've been through what sounds like hell. I t can only get better from here on out.
You've been very tough when you've needed to be in the past.
Clearly decide to give this your best.
This is truly a tough one. I have seen people go through this.
You can do this!

Originally Posted by SorryShaped

The terrible talk is me, talking to me. I'm not accepting this well.

I really think hospitals should have psychologists make daily rounds

I'm so sorry you experienced such a traumatic surgery. I did some online research and your emotional state is a normal response actually -- because its totally normal to feel sad, depressed, even hopeless.

As long as you let it all out -- cry, scream, if you have to. Be mad. It's better to release your feelings than pretend you are ok. No one would expect someone to be 'ok' after what you just experienced.

You will be athletic again where you walk for hours and work out in the gym 2 hours a day. That won't happen until you're fully recovered after about 3 months (according to the health websites I read through about your surgery type). Give yourself that goal of 3 months to look forward to.

Start out with small steps; get through the hours. Then, get through the days. Then, the weeks. Next thing you know, it will be June and you'll be running 10 miles 'in the zone' and happy you had this surgery b/c now the problem is repaired.

Days after my TBI, I was in severe pain and my emotional state of mind was all over the place. Took me a long time to feel like myself again, but I did. You will feel like yourself again. You will.

Talk to the hospital counselor about your depression. They'll support you.

Follow bpcyclist's advice about your pain levels so they can give you a better pain med.

Also, ask for a heating pad. Heat is very soothing. I don't know if you can have one but if you can, even heated blankets will soothe you.

Hang in there ok? We're all here for you!

[SorryShaped]

I think I need to be more clear on timelines. I'm home as of yesterday, Tuesday. The bursting and surgery was last Monday. It will be several months to recover from the next part, the second major surgery, to reverse the colostomy in April or May, hopeful. I won't begin to be through this and back to that new normal until probably August.
I appreciate all the kind words. I am working on staying positive. I did even go out to eat tonight but could barely eat half (my stomach shrank because I couldn't eat anything at all for a week and even water was immediately vacuumed out by the NG tube).

I am so sorry to hear of this ordeal and how long it will play out for! I hope your pain management can be improved. Be kind to yourself, compassionate and patient. I will keep you in my thoughts and hope you'll keep us up to date, if you are able. My Scrabble mate has a similar problem and i felt such compassion for him when he talked about it. I thought how brave he was to face it and still carry on an active life. I'm sure you are just as brave!

[Rick7892]

Sorry that this is happening to you.

Maybe taking things one day at a time will help. Imagining all those days ahead can be overwhelming. Focusing on what is front of you just for today may lighten the load a bit. If things are rough during the day, try taking things an hour or even one minute at a time or perhaps better yet, one slow, deep breath at a time.

Good to read you are more positive in your 3rd than in your first message.

Take care and sending good thoughts your way!

[*Beth*]

All I can think of is what a traumatic event this is for you. As far as I know, hospitals have counselors you can talk with if you need to. Perhaps you can arrange to see one, even though you are outpatient now.

Is there someone (a nurse or social worker) coming to your home to help you out?

[SorryShaped]

I have one friend that's coming nights and us taking me to get the staples out today. My anxiety over this is immense

I'm so sorry this is happening to you! I'm glad you have a friend helping you. Unfortunately i guess the only way out is thru. I hope it goes well with the staples today. Sending you good vibes...

[Moose72]

For what its worth, I had half my large intestineremoved at 2 days old (9 weeks early) and have done just fine without.

[SorryShaped]

@Moose72 thanks.
@ everyone, thanks.
I did go have the staples removed and it wasn't traumatic, mostly ok even. A few of them hurt being taken out. He said I appear to be healing well and we meet again in three weeks to check progress and plan the reconnection survey to reverse the colostomy.

[mugwort2]

I feel sorry for what you needed to go through Obviously its a rough time for you for certain. I do wish you. I'd take it one day at a time. It certainly sounds traumatic, ie major stress incident. I wish you well in the process of healing on your journey.

So very glad to hear that the removal of the staples went well! I'm so relieved. Sounds like you have a good plan moving forward and happy to hear that you are healing well. I hope the rest of your procedure goes as well as this step did! Hugs!

[cashart10]

I just want to drop a hug. I’m so sorry that happened to you and for what you are going through. My husband had aortic dissection a few years ago and required emergency open heart surgery. He now has an artificial heart valve and all of the doctors were shocked he survived. He is only 36. He was out of sorts for a while.. His anxiety was like nothing I had ever seen from him. He was not only physically sick for some time during his recovery, he was an emotional wreck. He cried a lot and almost never slept. It was horrible. But, after 6 to 8 months, he was feeling better and within a year seemed just like his old self. Healing does happen, not always in our time, but it happens. I hope a swift recovery for you!

[eskielover]

Originally Posted by SorryShaped

The terrible talk is me, talking to me. I'm not accepting this well.
I really think hospitals should have psychologists make daily rounds

When I lived in Calif, my MD who was caring for the medical issues caused by my anorexia ordered the hospital staff psychologist to see me daily. That was when my mom was dying & I had gone through the trauma with the home care person I caught abusing my mom. It was wonderful to have a psychologist to talk to about the things that were on my mind so I can definitely understand the need you had for that same experience. Maybe something to think about requesting during any medical hospital stays in the future.

WOW, you really went through quite an ordeal. Glad they were able to care for you & you are recovering now Recovery takes so long when we are used to being so active. Oh, BTW, that itching all over.......that is what morphine does to me. I can't take any morphine or morphine derivatives. I have problems with many antibiotics also. One actually made my tongue swell & penicillin made me break out in a rash. The rash is better than my daughters reaction to penicillin. Her joints got so stiff she couldn't walk at all. Only thing that helped her at that point was prednisone. Found out that when in a penicillin reaction, eating blue cheese dressing makes it worse (same mold). Reactions to meds happen way too often & recovering from the reaction on top of recovering from the problem that needed it just makes it all worse.

Take care of yourself & just tell everyone you are on a recovery vacation & not doing anything.

[SorryShaped]

I went to Dr last week, as scheduled. He scheduled a colonoscopy for the 7th and the reversal surgery for the 8th of April. I still don't feel like this is me. My t really didn't seem to know how to handle it either. He was honestly in shock. I think I still am too, over a month later. I feel so lost and scared

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by SorryShaped

I went to Dr last week, as scheduled. He scheduled a colonoscopy for the 7th and the reversal surgery for the 8th of April. I still don't feel like this is me. My t really didn't seem to know how to handle it either. He was honestly in shock. I think I still am too, over a month later. I feel so lost and scared

Who wouldn't? Nevertheless, you'll make it through.

[fern46]

One foot in front of the other is more than enough right now. Try to work on self love and acceptance. It is times like these we need those attributes the most.

[LilyMop]

I’m very sorry you went through this. I hope you feel better soon.

Thinking of you and sending good vibes.

[SorryShaped]

Update: due to covid-19, my surgery for reversal of the colostomy has been postponed indefinitely. I was told fifteen hours ago and during the call I could only say "yes" and " no" and "I know." Even though I knew it was coming, I was still in shock.
I had the symptoms for several days anyway, and may have had a case of coronavirus; mild fever, cough, headache, body aches. I chose to try to tough it out and think I may have succeeded, except for this headache that hasn't lightened up in over three days. It feels like the ridge at the top-back of my head is going to explode. It's been hurting so much that I can't sleep at night and finally exhaustively fall asleep in the mornings, then sleep for five or so hours.

[fern46]

Originally Posted by SorryShaped

Update: due to covid-19, my surgery for reversal of the colostomy has been postponed indefinitely. I was told fifteen hours ago and during the call I could only say "yes" and " no" and "I know." Even though I knew it was coming, I was still in shock.
I had the symptoms for several days anyway, and may have had a case of coronavirus; mild fever, cough, headache, body aches. I chose to try to tough it out and think I may have succeeded, except for this headache that hasn't lightened up in over three days. It feels like the ridge at the top-back of my head is going to explode. It's been hurting so much that I can't sleep at night and finally exhaustively fall asleep in the mornings, then sleep for five or so hours.

Thank you for the update. The headaches and waiting for your procedure sound painful. Can we help in any way?