Bipolar check in #45

My only PRN is Seroquel 25 mg, 1/2 tab 25 mg hydroxyzine (no help from that), or Klonopin. Trying not to take the max Klonopin to help once I do manage to ditch the stuff. I suppose I could take the whole 4 mg dose today as I have been managing on 3mg/day for nearly a year now except a handful of times.

I don't have a T. Called pdoc last week but as I am getting off lithium and having to do half the dose of lamotrigine, that has been hard with moodiness & irritability. If this coming week is still bad panic attack wise, I will phone him. I think I have an appt. around the 13th. He already did both phone (if stable enough) & in person appts. before, but I have a feel it's going to be a phone appt. this time even though it was initially scheduled as an in-person appt.

So if anyone is wondering I finished my elimination diet a few days ago. Apparently I am fine even with milk (which I thought impossible) although I don't think I'll drink as much of it as I used to because too much does upset my stomach somewhat. But I can have all the cheese I want as far as I can tell and a glass or two or some on cereal is fine.

I guess this just reset my system. I guess things must have been irritated in there and not eating anything for so long was the cure.

So glad it was worth it. The whole thing started 9 months ago today.

Soooo RS made me go back to the ER yet again. This morning I went to stand up to go to the bathroom and got so dizzy I fell back on the bed. I sat for a minute to reorient myself, then stood and made sure I was steady, then went to the bathroom and came back. I didn’t tell him bc I didn’t want him to worry. But when he came in around 7:30am I tried to sit up in bed and fell back down again. I told him about the chest pain and dizziness and he freaked and took me back to the ER.

The ER was odd. They were triaging people at the door, only letting the one in need of care in, and making everyone wear masks. It was nearly empty. I have to wonder if they were just sending people immediately to the department they needed to be in if they didn’t need to go through emergency. I really don’t know.

I got a chest X-ray and a head CT, along with bloodwork and an ekg. Everything is normal!!! Absolutely no idea what is causing this, except we know it’s not anything immediately life threatening. So I don’t know. My pcp did say something about fluid from the sinus infection backing up into my ears and causing vertigo, but I don’t know what could be causing the chest pain. I’ll have to follow up with my pcp and see if we can figure this out.

I realized last night that I have addictive tendencies. By no means am I a hardcore drug addict, and I'm not really feeling up to going into details, but it is something I need to work on.
Also have a growth on my lip that's bothering me. I see my primary in about a month so hopefully he'll be able to do something about it. It bleeds a lot if I play with it.
Am having some "issues" with my med combo, but if I stick to it the way my doc says to and add an Ativan here or there I'm mostly stable so I guess I shouldn't complain.
I have some things I need to resolve because I'm just coming out or at least having a break from mania and made some mistakes with some people.
I feel like a bad person.

HI spikes!

Many people, likely most people, have difficulty with self-compassion.
We don't grow up being taught this skill.

Here's a link you may want to explore. There are additional videos on youtube on this topic. This is Kristen Neff. Another respected speaker on this topic is Brene Brown.

Kristin Neff:



Be kind to yourself!

Someone here mentioned baking bread. I did, too, today. I was afraid it wasn't working out, but it did in the end. It's a Czech Easter bread called "Mazanec". It's a yeast raised bread flavored with vanilla, lemon zest, rum soaked raisins, and slivered almonds inside and whole blanched almonds outside. It's a firm bread eaten plain or with jam and/or butter.

Someone here mentioned baking bread. I did, too, today. I was afraid it wasn't working out, but it did in the end. It's a Czech Easter bread called "Mazanec". It's a yeast raised bread flavored with vanilla, lemon zest, rum soaked raisins, sugar, butter, and slivered almonds inside and whole blanched almonds outside. It's a firm bread eaten plain or with jam and/or butter.

I have never heard of that bread before, but it looks delicious.

How long did it take to make?

Making bread frustrates me because it's so difficult to get right (at least for me it is). I've even messed up making bread that goes in a bread machine.

Despite sleeping way too much and feeling like I was suffocating, I still feel a bit depressed. I've got a CD playing but its not helping as much as listening to music had been. I didn't wake up until 5 p.m. and then I felt like I was being suffocated in the dream I had of someone wrapping sheets around my head and face and I couldn't breathe. I woke up feeling the same way with my cpap. Now its 6:15 and I'm just feeling like a pile of sludge.

It took almost 3 1/2 hours if you include all of the rising periods. That's with the butter already room temp and the raisins soaked in rum. I guess hands on time was around 1 hour. I had to also blanch and skin the whole almonds.

I used to fail at yeast breads all of the time until my husband bought me my KitchenAid mixer. The dough kneading attachment has made a big difference in my success. My yeast-based recipe projects are mostly just homemade pizza dough, the Mazanec, a Czech roll recipe, Czech buchty (sweet filling soft rolls), and Czech kolach, which are basically like buchty, but in Danish shape. I also once made a Christmas coffee cake with nuts and fruit.

The house smells great!

Ah, yes... My dad has the Kitchen Aid mixer you're talking about with the dough kneading attachment. It's quite an investment, but it's well worth the money if you're constantly baking, cooking, etc..

Sounds like you know a lot of really good Czech recipes.

I could not bake if my life depended on it. The only thing I can cook decently are enchiladas, certain Indian dishes, and mac & cheese (from the box, not from scratch). I follow Indian YouTubers for Indian recipes -- although I do have some Indian spice mix pouches (e.g., kind of like you see those McCormick ones at the grocery store for brown gravy, Santa Fe dry rub, etc.) that I got from the Indian grocery store.

Someone here mentioned baking bread. I did, too, today. I was afraid it wasn't working out, but it did in the end. It's a Czech Easter bread called "Mazanec". It's a yeast raised bread flavored with vanilla, lemon zest, rum soaked raisins, sugar, butter, and slivered almonds inside and whole blanched almonds outside. It's a firm bread eaten plain or with jam and/or butter.

Sorry to hear that, Moose. Have you told your pdoc that you're experiencing depression?

How much sleep are you getting in total? Try not to get too much. My previous therapist and my current therapist have both warned me that too much sleep can exacerbate existing depression.

If you're interested in learning more, read the article I put in the trigger box. (Warning: mention of suicidal thoughts, etc.)

I "caved in" today and took Tylenol for my body pains from the depression.

I'm so tired of feeling this low level pain whenever I move at all. It's not a sharp pain but a constant pain that's there when I move. If I'm completely still like when laying down or sitting I don't feel it.

I took the Tylenol twice today and it was nice. I felt normal, I was able to move around and not feel anything at all. It was a nice relief.

I won't do it every day but it's nice to know it works. If only it would last longer than 4 hours.

I can't take anything else for pain due to allergies.

I'd like to add some Indian dishes to my repertoire. The only difficulty is my husband's garlic allergy, though he usually manages to find a couple options at restaurants. I love Indian food!

Have you tried Aloo Matar before? Depending on the Indian restaurant, they may or may not put garlic in it. I like it both with and without garlic.

Sample recipe w/o garlic:
Instant Pot Aloo Matar - Cook With Manali

It's also super healthy yet filling at the same time. Only veggies and spices are used.

You can also make Channa Masala without garlic. For example, this recipe uses a very tiny bit of ginger-garlic paste (which is 50% garlic and 50% ginger, as you would guess)... and you could definitely omit the garlic without actually "ruining" the dish:
Chana masala recipe | How to make chana masala

I know they're vegetarian, but they are so flavorful and filling. (That's probably why they're so popular across India.) Great for maintaining a healthy diet. Only problem is that you'll need some garam masala. You're better off buying the pre-ground powder because the individual spices typically come in bulk and are VERY expensive (because some are kinda rare compared to other spices, I think). It's also not easy to grind yourself even if you do buy the individual spices. But I think most regular grocery stores are starting to sell garam masala. I got a 16oz box at an Indian grocery mart for like $4 and it's lasted me 4 years at this point. Still have tons left in there, too.

I’m still here...reading posts. I had the French doors open and the windows open today as I spring cleaned the house. Lovely.

I’ve been taking a Vraylar every third day to get them to stretch. So far, I’m doing well. I’m looking into patient assistance. I need to submit and be turned down for assistance from Medicare first. Working on that. Jumping through hoops.

I’ve been doing a lot of inner work. I’ve got several programs going at once. Several breakthroughs. Between that and springcleaning, I’m busier than ever.

I’ve decided not to go to the ENT specialist at this time. Too risky.

Peace, love and light to all.