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  #976  
Old Apr 28, 2020, 10:13 PM
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Wash Rinse Repeat
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  #977  
Old Apr 28, 2020, 10:45 PM
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Give me more PILLS. I WANT TO SLEEP. But RS has my klonopin and trazodone bc I already took it and melatonin too and if I take more I won’t wake up for work. It’s ********.

Grumble grumble.
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That’s life. If nothing else, that is life. It’s real. Sometimes it
f—-ing hurts. But it’s sort of all we have.
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  #978  
Old Apr 29, 2020, 12:23 AM
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Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25 View Post
I am so depressed today. Last night is the second night in a row that I’ve had dream of self harm. I’m sure that has a lot to do with my mood. I just want to cry because I can’t hurt myself.

I’m sad. That is all.
Sending you strength, love, and support, wildfloerchild. i am so sorry you are struggling. I am, too. Feel better, soon!!
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  #979  
Old Apr 29, 2020, 12:28 AM
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Originally Posted by bluebicycle View Post
Yes, I got interview offers without applying. I guess they found my profile and liked it? Granted, some were from some big companies like Microsoft and Facebook, but there seems to be lots of opportunities in Seattle and Boston. I'm not actually doing the interviews, though. I should clarify that they just asked me if I wanted to chat and said I just had to send a resume, as per formalities. They said I had to send a resume and then I could join their virtual hiring event w/o doing a screening.

I've never worked in Seattle, no. I've only ever worked in Massachusetts. But I just think both areas are worth looking into. At least in Massachusetts here, things have been stable for the last 30 years. I think the "problem" (sorry, for the lack of a better word) for NJ is that NJ heavily relies on NYC, and when NYC goes down, it drags NJ down with it too (according to my cousins who've since lost their jobs). Same with PA. However, Boston is "independent" in that sense, as is Seattle. They're both not tied to NYC or the NYC stock market. Heck, because Boston is so healthcare focused, the economy is more than thriving right now.
I live a few hours south of Seattle and have spent a good deal of time there over many years. It is obviously quite beautiful. The amount of money in the business community is staggering for a city of its relatively small size. I have never met anyone who did not like it, though the weather can be trying, as it is even rainier and greyer than Portland--which is sort of like saying lions are more dangerous than bengals.


Anyhow, I worked at the MGH for awhile an d adore Boston, but I think Seattle would really be a neat new experience for someone who has not done the whole Portland-Seattle-Vancouver thing before. If they will pay for a plane ticket, I would check it out.
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When I was a kid, my parents moved a lot, but I always found them--Rodney Dangerfield
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  #980  
Old Apr 29, 2020, 12:34 AM
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Originally Posted by Gabyunbound View Post
Up until about 4 days ago, I felt I was being pretty resilient with this thing (the 'situation'). But then my mood began to plummet. It's just become too much.

My therapist suggested I seek a broader support network and that I get in touch with more people. I've followed her suggestion to a point. I'm now in touch with a good friend I had been out of touch with for many years and I insisted with my sister-in-law that I be able to Face Time with my nephews (long story). That worked out, at least once anyway, and they called day before yesterday. It was wonderful to see the boys.

I go for long walks every day, no matter the weather. This is also helping to keep me sane, especially when I do it with a good friend by phone. But it's become more of a chore than anything else, lately; still, afterwards, I'm glad I at least went out and did it.

This same friend and I decided to encourage each other to fulfill a goal each day, whether it's cleaning something, doing a load of laundry, cooking something, whatever. And then we check in with each other. This has helped.

Even though I work in health care, there is a part of my job I can do via video, so I've been doing that. But very few hours a day, so I have a lot of time to fill. I miss being in the hospital. Part of the reason they sent us home is that they don't want us competing with other providers in using PPE, as it is so precious. I really miss my co-workers as well. We have optional staff meetings via zoom almost every day. I attend if I'm not working at that time and I love joking around with them (which is about half the meeting). However, on days they are cancelled, my mood absolutely plummets.

So, overall, I'm not doing very well right now. I'm doing everything I can think of to help myself, but sometimes it's just not enough... I used to be an alcoholic, quit except for very occasional and controlled social drinking, some 15 years ago. What scares me, is that I've been craving it again lately. So far, have not given in though.

Stay safe everyone!
I am so sorry you are struggling. Good for you for using your skills. Keep that up. You will get though this. One hour at a time, one day at a time. Don't give up. Hang in there.

I have been in drug recovery for a long, long time. Drinking is only going o make your current problems much, much worse. I know you know this. Do not forget it, plrsdr.

Hugs!!!!!!!!!1
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When I was a kid, my parents moved a lot, but I always found them--Rodney Dangerfield
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  #981  
Old Apr 29, 2020, 12:37 AM
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Originally Posted by Miguel'smom View Post
I slept last night and had dreams of self mutilation and hospitalization. I don't feel rested at all. I can't even get from my crazy while sleeping. I feel like reaching for my medication but I don't want to do that.
I am so sorry. That kind of sleep is no sleep at all. I kept having dreams that I was still with the woman who destroyed my life and basically tried to murder me. Not very happy when I woke up.

If you need a prn, you need a prn. There is zero shame in that. None.

I hope your day was better!!!!!!
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  #982  
Old Apr 29, 2020, 12:40 AM
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Originally Posted by spikes View Post
I occasionally get dreams like that too. Sucks.

I just got a phone call from my mental health center; my therapist might start using webcams for the appointments. That sucks because I like laying down in bed, pants-less during my phone appointments! Oh well, maybe it'll make talking to her easier adn more like face-to-face conversation.
I'm feeling better. A Lot better. The seroquel did't knock me out last night like it used to which was kinda disappointing, but I didn't wake up in the middle of the night so that was good. I spent all my gift card money on Amazon (I may or may not have bought every single one of Built to Spill's albums), so now if I want to make another purchase I have to actually pay for it.
My cats are play-fighting, so cute!
Seroquel at 200 stopped making me sleepy after awhile, too. Also at 25 and 50. It just totally stopped working for sleep. The only thing that makes me sleepy now is Nuvigil, which I find sort of funny.
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  #983  
Old Apr 29, 2020, 12:46 AM
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Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25 View Post
So I’ve been beating back this hopelessness and extreme depression all day. Listening to music (even during work, just put my phone on mute). I dyed my hair purple because why the **** not, quarantine, amirite? As a result of that I had to take a hot shower. I took a walk with my son. And I’ve been tooling around reddit.

And now RS will be home in about 45-60 minutes and I will not harm myself while he is here so it is a win!

Ugh. Hope my pdoc has some sort of solution.
So sorry you are struggling with all this. Back in my massive depression days, I found Cymbalta pretty darn useful when almost nothing else worked. The only 2 ADs that have ever done a thing for me are that and Wellbutrin. Emsam did nothing except drain my account of cash. Lithium has helped my depression a ton over the years and I also think Depakote at 1500 has been useful.

Aerobic exercise is probably very helpful for me, too. Maybe as important as medication, possibly. Just a few random thoughts.

Have you explored ketamine? It does work for some people. I found a relative of it to be very helpful but it had very dangerous side effects, sadly.
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  #984  
Old Apr 29, 2020, 12:48 AM
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Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25 View Post
Pdoc upped lamictal. Now I have to remember to take it in the am. Not likely.

I always feel like she doesn’t take me seriously.
Stay with it--it works for a lot of people.
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  #985  
Old Apr 29, 2020, 12:56 AM
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Originally Posted by Miguel'smom View Post
Daonnachd I'm sorry, hope it's negative.

I'm overwhelmed and just staring at the books. I feel so stupid. I have the date due as Friday and I don't even want to deal with it. H says he'll help me with the next one but I need to finish this one first. My heads so loud I just want it all to stop. I want to go hide. Stop all mh services and just give up. I have t tomorrow and I have no idea what to say. I wish it was easy for me to communicate. T wants me to have another evaluation. I'm becoming mute again. I want to buy a puppy but I'm not allowed. I don't know what to think or do. My parents are leaving soon and I can't go with them because of the mh services/ possible meds and covid 19. I wish I wasn't born like this.
Hang in there, Miguel'smom. It will improve, if you just stay with it. You have been under so much stress lately. Don't give up. Please don't give up. I have been right where you are so very many times, I could never count them all. But I make it, somehow. You guys help me make it.

I am looking for an adult dog. As most everyone knows, I am psychotic a lot and it is refractory. A puppy would just be way, way too much for me to try to manage. I wonder if searching for a more mature, trained, calmer dog might be a better option for you. Just a thought. Rescue dogs are going to start being available again soon in may communities.


Sending strength. And support. And love. And hugs.
Don't give up. we are all here for you.
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  #986  
Old Apr 29, 2020, 01:07 AM
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Was not able to read anything at all from yesterday, sorry, guys. Very symptomatic yesterday and last night. Ugh. So tired of this at times. Really just exhausting for me trying to keep myself, um, going, I guess.

Totally convinced without any doubt now that my neighbor to the right is definitely spying on me with some type of camera he plugs in every night that can see through my wall. Infrared or something like that. I don't really know. Everyone tells me this is more psychosis, but I just really don't believe that anymore. It all just makes me very sad, to be truthful. My poor brain. It's just so very broken. How did I end up this way? I used to operate at a pretty functional level. Oh well.l.

So, had pdoc today, but wrote down the totally incorrect time. The smallest things I cannot even pull off anymore. Was not even close. He rescheduled fro Friday. I really need some help. I can make it that far. I've come this far. Why not...

Love and hugs to all. I wan to thank everyone here on this forum who has been so kind and generous and supportive toward me while I have been here. I am so very grateful for all of you.Other than when I am writing my books or on the bike, this is teh only place I do not feel like a total outcast. Thank you.
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  #987  
Old Apr 29, 2020, 01:29 AM
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bpcyclist Thank-you, H says I can't get a dog because I already have one. My son totally did a 180 tonight on school so I'm racking my head over that now. not a good thing. You guys are the only ones that truly know what I deal with.
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  #988  
Old Apr 29, 2020, 07:44 AM
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Originally Posted by bpcyclist View Post
Was not able to read anything at all from yesterday, sorry, guys. Very symptomatic yesterday and last night. Ugh. So tired of this at times. Really just exhausting for me trying to keep myself, um, going, I guess.

Totally convinced without any doubt now that my neighbor to the right is definitely spying on me with some type of camera he plugs in every night that can see through my wall. Infrared or something like that. I don't really know. Everyone tells me this is more psychosis, but I just really don't believe that anymore. It all just makes me very sad, to be truthful. My poor brain. It's just so very broken. How did I end up this way? I used to operate at a pretty functional level. Oh well.l.

So, had pdoc today, but wrote down the totally incorrect time. The smallest things I cannot even pull off anymore. Was not even close. He rescheduled fro Friday. I really need some help. I can make it that far. I've come this far. Why not...

Love and hugs to all. I wan to thank everyone here on this forum who has been so kind and generous and supportive toward me while I have been here. I am so very grateful for all of you.Other than when I am writing my books or on the bike, this is teh only place I do not feel like a total outcast. Thank you.
A thought... So throw this out with the trash if you don't like it...

I agree with the others who think the neighbor camera is psychosis. However, to one in psychosis that is of little value because the nature of psychosis means it feels 100% real.

So what if you did some exposure therapy and worked with this camera situation like it was real? Nobody likes being watched. It stirs fear in many and it feels like a complete violation. What if you faced that?

Maybe you could make a list of all of the behavior adjustments you make because you feel you're being watched? What are you not doing because you are being watched? What value is it taking from your life?

Then you can assess the list by impact. So for each one decide how scary would it be to change this? And.. How much value would I have if I take back control of this?

So for example, maybe you used to sing but you don't anymore because of the camera. It would maybe only take a minor amount of effort to sing one song out loud a day and it fuels your spirit, so the value would be great.

You can shift something small and then work up to things like walking around your apartment naked Or whatever is the equivalent of being totally exposed. For you I think maybe it is actually leaving while risking them knowing you are gone?

Accepting something as a psychotic manifestation doesn't seem to be working for you and its root is someplace real for you anyway. Why not work with it like it is real or like a virtual reality you can use to your advantage to process some fears? I AM NOT advocating getting so lost in it you lose the knowing this is psychosis. It is important to keep that. This would be more like working with your dreams to process emotion.

Anyway... That's just what came to mind.
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  #989  
Old Apr 29, 2020, 11:31 AM
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Daonnachd, sending best wishes that all turns out ok.
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  #990  
Old Apr 29, 2020, 11:36 AM
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Originally Posted by bpcyclist View Post
...though the weather can be trying, as it is even rainier and greyer than Portland--which is sort of like saying lions are more dangerous than bengals. .
LOL! Thanks for the morning chuckle!
  #991  
Old Apr 29, 2020, 01:25 PM
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Feeling low again. I have a headache that Tylenol isn't touching. I'm thinking about doing online group in a bit, but I'm on the fence. We'll see if I'm doing anything more interesting later I guess.
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  #992  
Old Apr 29, 2020, 01:42 PM
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@wildflowerchild25, did you hear/read that our governor has announced that the parks will reopen this coming Saturday, May 2? See Governor Murphy Re-Opens Parks, Golf Courses May 2 - TAPinto I wanted you to know that because I remember how you expressed sadness about that temporary closure. I was sad, too. Sending you hugs. I read that you are feeling very unwell today. Perhaps a nice walk in the park this weekend will be a bit restorative. The forecast looks pretty good in most of our state for this weekend.
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  #993  
Old Apr 29, 2020, 04:45 PM
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Yes birddancer, RS just came home and told me. I am very happy about that. Sunday is supposed to be gorgeous; maybe we can get outside. Thanks for the update
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Of course it is happening inside your head. But why on earth should that mean that it is not real?
-Albus Dumbledore

That’s life. If nothing else, that is life. It’s real. Sometimes it
f—-ing hurts. But it’s sort of all we have.
-Garden State
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  #994  
Old Apr 29, 2020, 05:06 PM
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BeyondtheRainbow BeyondtheRainbow is offline
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I started a new thread since we're at 100 pages. I'll ask a moderator to close this one.
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  #995  
Old Apr 29, 2020, 07:56 PM
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Bipolar check-in #46
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