Bipolar check in #45

I am so depressed today. Last night is the second night in a row that I’ve had dream of self harm. I’m sure that has a lot to do with my mood. I just want to cry because I can’t hurt myself.

I’m sad. That is all.

Yes, I got interview offers without applying. I guess they found my profile and liked it? Granted, some were from some big companies like Microsoft and Facebook, but there seems to be lots of opportunities in Seattle and Boston. I'm not actually doing the interviews, though. I should clarify that they just asked me if I wanted to chat and said I just had to send a resume, as per formalities. They said I had to send a resume and then I could join their virtual hiring event w/o doing a screening.

I've never worked in Seattle, no. I've only ever worked in Massachusetts. But I just think both areas are worth looking into. At least in Massachusetts here, things have been stable for the last 30 years. I think the "problem" (sorry, for the lack of a better word) for NJ is that NJ heavily relies on NYC, and when NYC goes down, it drags NJ down with it too (according to my cousins who've since lost their jobs). Same with PA. However, Boston is "independent" in that sense, as is Seattle. They're both not tied to NYC or the NYC stock market. Heck, because Boston is so healthcare focused, the economy is more than thriving right now.

Up until about 4 days ago, I felt I was being pretty resilient with this thing (the 'situation'). But then my mood began to plummet. It's just become too much.

My therapist suggested I seek a broader support network and that I get in touch with more people. I've followed her suggestion to a point. I'm now in touch with a good friend I had been out of touch with for many years and I insisted with my sister-in-law that I be able to Face Time with my nephews (long story). That worked out, at least once anyway, and they called day before yesterday. It was wonderful to see the boys.

I go for long walks every day, no matter the weather. This is also helping to keep me sane, especially when I do it with a good friend by phone. But it's become more of a chore than anything else, lately; still, afterwards, I'm glad I at least went out and did it.

This same friend and I decided to encourage each other to fulfill a goal each day, whether it's cleaning something, doing a load of laundry, cooking something, whatever. And then we check in with each other. This has helped.

Even though I work in health care, there is a part of my job I can do via video, so I've been doing that. But very few hours a day, so I have a lot of time to fill. I miss being in the hospital. Part of the reason they sent us home is that they don't want us competing with other providers in using PPE, as it is so precious. I really miss my co-workers as well. We have optional staff meetings via zoom almost every day. I attend if I'm not working at that time and I love joking around with them (which is about half the meeting). However, on days they are cancelled, my mood absolutely plummets.

So, overall, I'm not doing very well right now. I'm doing everything I can think of to help myself, but sometimes it's just not enough... I used to be an alcoholic, quit except for very occasional and controlled social drinking, some 15 years ago. What scares me, is that I've been craving it again lately. So far, have not given in though.

Stay safe everyone!

I slept last night and had dreams of self mutilation and hospitalization. I don't feel rested at all. I can't even get from my crazy while sleeping. I feel like reaching for my medication but I don't want to do that.

I occasionally get dreams like that too. Sucks.

I just got a phone call from my mental health center; my therapist might start using webcams for the appointments. That sucks because I like laying down in bed, pants-less during my phone appointments! Oh well, maybe it'll make talking to her easier adn more like face-to-face conversation.
I'm feeling better. A Lot better. The seroquel did't knock me out last night like it used to which was kinda disappointing, but I didn't wake up in the middle of the night so that was good. I spent all my gift card money on Amazon (I may or may not have bought every single one of Built to Spill's albums), so now if I want to make another purchase I have to actually pay for it.
My cats are play-fighting, so cute!

So I’ve been beating back this hopelessness and extreme depression all day. Listening to music (even during work, just put my phone on mute). I dyed my hair purple because why the **** not, quarantine, amirite? As a result of that I had to take a hot shower. I took a walk with my son. And I’ve been tooling around reddit.

And now RS will be home in about 45-60 minutes and I will not harm myself while he is here so it is a win!

Ugh. Hope my pdoc has some sort of solution.

Pdoc upped lamictal. Now I have to remember to take it in the am. Not likely.

I always feel like she doesn’t take me seriously.

Daonnachd I'm sorry, hope it's negative.

I'm overwhelmed and just staring at the books. I feel so stupid. I have the date due as Friday and I don't even want to deal with it. H says he'll help me with the next one but I need to finish this one first. My heads so loud I just want it all to stop. I want to go hide. Stop all mh services and just give up. I have t tomorrow and I have no idea what to say. I wish it was easy for me to communicate. T wants me to have another evaluation. I'm becoming mute again. I want to buy a puppy but I'm not allowed. I don't know what to think or do. My parents are leaving soon and I can't go with them because of the mh services/ possible meds and covid 19. I wish I wasn't born like this.

Was not able to read anything at all from yesterday, sorry, guys. Very symptomatic yesterday and last night. Ugh. So tired of this at times. Really just exhausting for me trying to keep myself, um, going, I guess.

Totally convinced without any doubt now that my neighbor to the right is definitely spying on me with some type of camera he plugs in every night that can see through my wall. Infrared or something like that. I don't really know. Everyone tells me this is more psychosis, but I just really don't believe that anymore. It all just makes me very sad, to be truthful. My poor brain. It's just so very broken. How did I end up this way? I used to operate at a pretty functional level. Oh well.l.

So, had pdoc today, but wrote down the totally incorrect time. The smallest things I cannot even pull off anymore. Was not even close. He rescheduled fro Friday. I really need some help. I can make it that far. I've come this far. Why not...

Love and hugs to all. I wan to thank everyone here on this forum who has been so kind and generous and supportive toward me while I have been here. I am so very grateful for all of you.Other than when I am writing my books or on the bike, this is teh only place I do not feel like a total outcast. Thank you.

...though the weather can be trying, as it is even rainier and greyer than Portland--which is sort of like saying lions are more dangerous than bengals. .